Last week I happened to read a Dear Abby column in the newspaper. A woman wrote to Abby that she had been married to a man for 15 years who was controlling and manipulative, along with being emotionally, economically and sexually abusive. The letter-writer termed her husband narcissistic and passive-aggressive, but in my view he may be a sociopath.
The woman is filing for divorce. Her dilemma is that her husband projects a “good guy” image, and she fears that if she accuses him of abuse, no one will believe her.
Abby’s advice was to tell a few close girlfriends what really happened. “The truth will spread like wildfire,” Abby wrote.
I wonder if Abby gave good advice for this situation. I’m sure the advice would be helpful under most circumstances. But if this guy is a sociopath, there’s a good chance that he’s already started the smear campaign against his wife—telling people that she’s mentally unbalanced, a terrible mother, and cheating on him.
What do you think?
Read the letter, Truth of abusive marriage will tarnish man’s sterling image. Then tell us if you think Abby’s plan will work.
Hi Dorothy…keep clicking the red shoes and follow the yellow brick road….I would add that coming here and chatting with people and describing your feelings is very good for your self esteem…to hear kind words, get support and feel your feelings is the start…you are not alone…blessings and luckx
Letter to Dear Abbey,
As having just experienced the wrath of my ex spath in regards to me warning his next victim about who he is.. DON’T DO IT! Just walk away and walk away very quietly and quickly. Keep your business to yourself and avoid more drama. Move on!! He is now spreading that I am a stalker. I am pretty sure he actually went through his text messages and deleted his own to make it seem as though I wouldn’t leave him alone. We have some of the same friends and actually work under the same company although in different locations. It’s not good. The truth is I could probably get him fired but I am afraid to make a move. I can only hope that his actions get instant karmic results but sometimes unfortunately we just have to wait.
Dear Fiona,
Welcome to LF, glad you are here and I agree with you, protecting ourselves is about all we can do! Knowledge is power so read, learn and become even more powerful! Again, welcome!
Dear Dorothy,
Welcome to LF, sweetie! You are wise in that you are planning to get out and I echo What Ox said, Keep everything SECRET. Whatever you are planning, he cannot know. I did this. I packed a house in 3 days, put everything in storage and moved across this country. You can do this! It’s very hard and courageous to take this step, but you deserve the peace that comes with a new life.
It DOES hurt to see them for what they really are. Yet, there is power and freedom in knowing the truth. I spent 10 years trying, off and on, to change my ex. Didn’t happen and now I put that energy into myself and my younger son. I don’t know your relationship with your son, but if he is close at all to your soon to be ex, I wouldn’t even say anything to him until the very last minute.
I would also encourage you to DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT. If you’re on the computer, you can use private browsing so that he can’t see anything. I have a place I store all of the things I need to have where my ex is concerned. You can go to mozy.com or other sites that privately store all your info.
You aren’t alone. I’m in your corner and praying for you. I know that the freedom you will find when you leave is something that will amaze you!
Hugs,
Cat
Dear Fiona,
Welcome to LF. I’m glad you found this site. I can’t tell you how much this site has helped me heal. Everything you said about telling the next one is something I have to agree with. It’s a point I bounced back and forth on, but I know that when I tried to tell others what my ex spath really was, no one listened. Your ex is trying to do a smear campaign. I had that as well as many others have on here as well. They can be incredibly vengeful and hateful. Mine went on a spree that was unreal.
Karma is a beautiful thing. And the worst part of it is that we have to wait. I found that if I just stepped back, did what I was supposed to be doing, that the rest of the world would see him for what he really is. And…it happened! I’ve received some apologies for others calling me the liar. I always try to remember that if he could fool me, he can fool the entire world and he did, for awhile. Now, that karma has hit and he’s in more trouble than I can say.
I am sending you prayers, strength and serenity. That karma will come!
Hugs and welcome!
Cat
Hi everyone, it has literally taken me months to write about my experience with a sociopath. I first suspected he may be a sociopath some 6 years ago about 10 months after I met him. I knew he was different but I simply could not put my finger on the problem. With his odd behavior, criminal past, addiction to drugs (although not everyday), lack of responsible behavior and moodiness after the initial “honeymoon” phase wore off, I began to search the internet for help as to what the problem might be. At first, I felt he may have another personality disorder, then I thought he may be bipolar, even helped get him into a bipolar study which he did not stay in, and then as I continued to read about personality disorders and I read the traits of a sociopath, it was like reading his autobiography. He was wonderful the first few months until the new wore off and he had “reeled me in” and then I began to see the real “him” emerge. By then, I was in love with him. I allowed things in this relationship that I normally would have never allowed anyone else to do. I had already been married to a borderline personality for almost 18 years so I had been both emotionally and verbally abused for a long time but felt I had come through that and was ok. Nope, I was still very vulnerable….the perfect target for a sociopath. He told me initially that he had been incarcerated several times as a youngster and that God had changed his life. I fell for it and believe him. I noticed very soon that he did not have a job nor did he work or seek work on a regular basis which I thought was very odd…I had never encountered anyone like that before in my life. I am a very hard-working, professional woman with a strong work ethic so this I could not understand. Of course he simply said it was because he had a criminal record and that is what made it difficult to find work. He was fine living off of me and sponging as much as he could. As blinded as I was, I continued to believe that eventually he would “come to his senses”!! Nope, in fact, over 1 1/2 years we broke up a few times but continued to keep in touch. He was arrested in November 2005 on a drug charge that ultimately sent him back to prison for 3 more years and he was fortunate he was not put in for life due to being a past habitual offender. At the time he was arrested, we were not back together but still seeing each other from time to time. Once this happened, he told me it was his ex-wife’s fault for the drug charge and had me believing that she and the police narcotics division framed him so his ex could get off of her probation charge…yeah right, whatever, yet I believed him because I knew she was a habitual drug user too. This man could quote the Bible better than I can and I was raised in church and a Christian home…so he played it like a card…the God card I call it. There is so much more but honestly I cannot write it all down because so many things happened, but I was ultimately faced with having to decide if I was going to stand by him while he was incarcerated. After his arrest, I still believed in him and posted his bond. While he was out, prior to his sentence, I even allowed him to live with me which is totally out of character for me. I was blind. I ended up having to call the police shortly before he went back to jail because he got violent in my home one day and I kicked him out and when I would not let him return, he threatened to just show up here again, so my neighbor, who knew him also, called the police for me. They arrested him. Each time this happened he was ever so “sorry” for everything. Over the two years we were together prior to his incarceration, he would take my car and be gone all day in it and not answer the phone and I knew he was doing drugs. It was a nightmare! I tried to break up off and on and I kept going back to him believing he would be different…he was very convincing. My family thought I was nuts and even did some things at the time I thought was awful, against me, that I am still healing from even today. They were totally against him and didn’t even really know him. They could see things I could not see at the time. He called me from jail one day, before his sentencing, told me he had had a healing experience with God and was healed physically, spiritually and emotionally in every way. I did not believe him. He put me in touch with a prison minister that had spent some time with him and over time, he even convinced me that the change in my sociopath was REAL. I visited him the first time in prison without anyone close to me knowing I was doing it and I knew I had to decide whether or not I was going to stay with him throughout his sentence. I cried all the way to the prison, during the visit and back home. I prayed an prayed I was doing the right thing because…people can change right? I believe that and I wanted to believe he had. In summary, over a 3 year period, I totally supported him financially, emotionally and in every way. I cannot tell you the money this man owes me today but it is in the 10’s of thousands of dollars and I have yet to see any of it paid back and never will. I visited him on average 2-3 weekends a month over almost 3 years. He became a different person while inside. He was a model prisoner. He got a recommendation from his warden for work release. He was head trustee, he had responsibility. All seemed well. I was completely devoted. We had plans for him to get out and get on is feet and we were going to get married once he did. He was released finally on April 9, 2009. I had waited 3 years to be with him. He seemed to try the first 30 days to find work, I bought him his 2nd vehicle, got his drivers license,etc…anything and everything he needed for his business. He would not seek work for someone else…he wanted his business back..funny thing is, he NEVER had a business. He called it that but all he did was an occasional side job to support his secret habits and he never helped me out financially in any way in all that time. 60 days from the day he was released, he violated his parole and went back to jail for 70 days at which time I broke up with him for good….but I failed and did not have “no contact”. I wrote to him a few times in jail. He had lots of stuff at my house so when he got out again, he came to get his stuff and started staying at a halfway house which was a “good” sign. That didn’t last long until he left there and went to “rent” a room from his junkie ex-wife!!!! We were still talking and he paraded that around in front of me and he is living with the woman who he claimed was responsible for putting him in jail??? Yes, I cannot tell anyone what that did to me. I continue to see him occasionally and we talked but he was using off and on and continued to do so for months. He claimed his ex inherited a bunch of money and she was going to get him a truck and help him with his “business”…what a line of bull!!!!!! She never did that…he ended up doing drugs with her!!!! She kicked him out more than once and put him up in a hotel and then got him a room and he could not even feed himself because he had no money and did not work yet he was selling what he did have for drugs!!!!! Funny thing is, I still loved him. I kept thinking about the life I thought we would have together when he got out of prison. It did not turn out at all like I planned. I know now it was not real. Although sometimes I feel he did love me in his own way, all of his traits point to him being a sociopath…he’s very talented and can do many things but he choses not to…he sponges off of anyone he can sponge off of….but I finally said NO in December 2009…I did encourage him to enter a program for men who were serious about getting on with their life out of prison…a ministry for ex-inmates and he went…actually seemed excited about it…he only lasted 3 months because he did not want to follow the rules. After that, he lived wherever he could live with someone else or off of someone. He started calling me ever so often and I avoided his calls when I could. He would call my work cell phone and many times I didn’t know it was him…he would call from random numbers. Recently, he called about a month ago and told me that he was staying with a man and his elderly mother whom he and I had met a few years ago out of town about 30 miles. I told him I had already moved on and was seeing someone else. He claimed it hurt him but he was “happy” for me….said it was bittersweet for him…said he would always love me. I told him how hard it was for me to go places with my work where he had been in jail before and he “prayed” for me on the phone…what a fake! One week later, he stole the man’s car, $100 and took two diamond rings and left the house where he was staying. One week after that, he was arrested yet again after having a hit and run accident in the man’s car. He is now in jail again and this time likely for a long time because of multiple charges and he was on parole at the time.
I know this has been long but this is basically a summary of the high points of the behavior of my sociopath. I have been devastated by what has occurred and VERY angry at him but I do believe people reap what they sow and he is doing that now in jail and it is likely he may never get out again. He has hurt me and my children and some of the things he’s done to me since he got out of prison in 2009, after I stood by him the entire time, is simply, well, unbelievable….yet I continue to have thoughts of him every day. I will stand by no contact from now on…none! Of course, with him in jail that will not be hard but thoughts of our life, (there were some good times) are on my mind every day. The hurt pain and utter devastation has been life changing. I have needed a support group for a long time but it has taken me awhile to get the courage up to share my story and this is really only a small part of it. This man is crazy and he fits every trait of a sociopath. I am embarrassed that I ever let anyone use me like he did and he captured my heart…that is what hurt the most. I would welcome any comments or words of advice from any of you who are further along in your healing than I am.
Thanks to you all,
Strongsurvivor
Dear Strongsurvivor,
Welcome to LoveFraud, I’m glad you are here, but oh, so sorry that you qualify for membership in our “club”—if I didn’t know better, I think we all date the same guy, or marry him, or give birth to him…there is only ONE psychopath but he (or she) must have several robot bodies they can inhabit because the story is always “the same”—total betrayal on their part, and total sacrifice on ours. I am not making fun of what you have been through, it is horrific, devestating, draining, and as painful as it can be. TOTALLY painful.
You are doing WELL with NO CONTACT….and I am glad the jerk is in prison and will be hopefully for a long time. That will help. My son is in prison and I hope so much that my son, who is coming up for parole soon, will NEVER GET OUT. He is in this time for murder. I never could believe he would do a killing, but he was very capable of it, so don’t think your X isn’t capable of ANYTHING…they are.
Don’t be embarassed or beat yourself up too badly, it is time to get on with YOUR healing and your life. It starts out about them, learning about psychopaths, but ends up with learning about why we allowed them to trick us, to hoodwink us, and con us. We learn to spot the red flags of thepsychopath and to realize that there is no way they can or will change, but they can FAKE IT to get what they want.
God bless you Strongsurvivor, it is a difficult journey, but well worthwhile to heal from these aliens in human form! Hang in there and read and learn. There are 700+ ARTICLES in the archives. Read them all, and then start over. Great information there to help us heal. ((((Hugs)))))
Cat
That is wonderful news about Karma…yep I totally believe the day will come where he will be in terribe trouble….and people will finally see the kind of person he realy is. viva karma!!
Strongsurvivor, you are one of the luckier ones. He’s in prison while you get through the NO CONTACT rule until you no longer have to think about the likes of “him”!
Your journey to heal will be long, so don’t think any healing is a quick fix.
Know these truths:
You WILL get through to healing yourself from all the wounds this heel brought into your life.
You are NOT alone … we are all in this together.
Everything he said to you was a LIE from HELLO to GOODBYE.
Peace to your heart and soul as you begin your journey of healing.
Strongsurvivor,
Sociopaths don’t bother to think how their actions affect loved ones (or others), nor do they care about all the sacrifices that are made on their behalf – they are like Taz (the Looney tune character) whirring through life, being destructive, leaving wreckage in their wake. Yes, they make one very ANGRY, especially when their crazy antics affect children. I am p.o.’d by the whole disorder, all the combined experiences flattening one out.