Last week I happened to read a Dear Abby column in the newspaper. A woman wrote to Abby that she had been married to a man for 15 years who was controlling and manipulative, along with being emotionally, economically and sexually abusive. The letter-writer termed her husband narcissistic and passive-aggressive, but in my view he may be a sociopath.
The woman is filing for divorce. Her dilemma is that her husband projects a “good guy” image, and she fears that if she accuses him of abuse, no one will believe her.
Abby’s advice was to tell a few close girlfriends what really happened. “The truth will spread like wildfire,” Abby wrote.
I wonder if Abby gave good advice for this situation. I’m sure the advice would be helpful under most circumstances. But if this guy is a sociopath, there’s a good chance that he’s already started the smear campaign against his wife—telling people that she’s mentally unbalanced, a terrible mother, and cheating on him.
What do you think?
Read the letter, Truth of abusive marriage will tarnish man’s sterling image. Then tell us if you think Abby’s plan will work.
I agree that this advice is terrible, but keep in mind, this column is to newspapers what Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer are to TV–it is “light entertainment” by exposing others dirty laundry for all to see, joke about and think “wow, I’m better off than they are.” If you take it much more seriously than that then YOU are off base about it in MHO.
Yes, the advice is terrible but unfortunately that is what most women in her case do. If they have any friends left that are not also married to HIS friends who will go back and tell him what his wife is saying about him to her friends.
If a man has CAREFULLY laid his “professional” and “community” image down, say this man is a prominent lawyer or physician, then what his wife says is probably not going to do anything except make her look like the scorned woman.
Fortunately for Donna, her husband did not have a DOCUMENTED cover with a successful office, business and so on. He was not the “beloved family physician” of the country club or the powerful lawyer at the county court house. In some small towns unless the wife had been stabbed multiple times or murdered, he would not be even considered as a suspect, and even then he would lie his way out of it for years if not forever.
It is frustrating to me that women like this woman are so easily disbelieved when they tell about the abuse they have covfered up in the bedroom for decades out of shame, and when the abuser discards them, the blame is placed on them if they tell. They are demonized by the Pseudo-victim. Been there and got that Tee, and most of us have as well.
I am actually sort of offended by Abby’s advice, telling this woman to go tell her close girlfriends, in hopes that it will spread like wildfire.
For me, this “advice” implies that women are great at “gossiping” and nothing else.
Would a man get the same advice?
I mean, this is 2010, not 1957.
Comments like this feed into a stereotype that sets women back about 50 years.
And, No Visible Wounds’ situation is actually very serious, in my opinion.
I feel like Abby made light of it by the advice she gave.
As far as I am concerned, Abby is not qualified to be giving advice to No Visible Wounds, because she is uneducated about personality disorders.
And if these advice columns are simply a form of “light entertainment”, as OxDrover says, then they should NOT be tackling questions of abuse.
I don’t consider abuse a subject of “light entertainment”, or something to joke about.
So, if the goal is to entertain, then they should stick to the superficial questions of etiquette and things of that nature.
Sorry for the momentary rant.
I went off on a little tangent….
Unfortunately, as Oxy points out, if a Spath has laid his image even half-carefully, people will believe him. That’s one of the sad things about mine- there are still so many people who believe in him, and he isn’t even in a prominent position. (He is in a “false” prominent position where he has people thinking he has credentials he doesn’t have, even though looking back, anyone who thought to google search him one time would be able to realize something didn’t add up). People just don’t want to think someone would do things like that, lie like that, be that cold. Surprise!
In my situation, from what I’ve heard, it seems like for every person that knows the truth about him, about twelve more jump into their place and support him.
My ex the one that my sister had an affair with was also bad mouthing me to my family.. so while I am ‘supporting’ him in words and deeds, he is and she are both tearing me down.. These people are lethal. My sister is now into this religious facade, behaves real righteous. I wonder if her now husband knows her past.. she keeps me out of her life as much as possible. She knows that I know and these people don’t like to be around people that see though them
http://www.womenexplode.com
Another thing too, it is amazing just how many people REALLY DO NOT CARE that your husband bashes you in the bedroom or behind closed doors, as in:
“Well, if he was REALLY like she says for 15 years, she should have left, it is her own fault if she stayed, maybe she really likes it.”
So it is a lose, lose situation. We had a poster here formerly, who is now deceased who stayed with her dentist husband for nearly 50 years. He beat her behind closed doors for all those years, and she kept up a facade in front of her church and family and even her kids.
When he kinocked her unconscious she realized he was going to kill her and fled for her life. Her kids and her community were fully and firmly in the court of her husband, and though over the 7-8 years since she fled alone and almost wihtout a cent (he did everything he could to make sure she was in poverty and succeeded) he now openly living with a woman and his kids don’t approve but even her cadiologist told her about her kids when they came to her bedside when she was at death’s door “your children are NOT your friends.”
Her horrible health conditions and deteriiorating cognition as she was finally at death’s door (I kept in contact by phone to within a month of her death when she no longer answered her cell phone or knew who I was I think) led her to a final emotional hell on earth wanting her kids to love her and stop abusing her. I pray her soul has found peace, but sometimes the kindest thing we can do for others and for ourselves is to quit looking for OUTSIDE VALIDATION and to learn to validate ourselves. Rest in Peace Lily. Oxy
Yes….others DO jump in to support and negate the 1 that he’s exposed himself to.
BUT…..a rotten/molding/smelly duck….will smell regardless if people believe what they are smelling is or is not coming from his direction……they may deny….but eventually they get to the point where the smell is so peutrid…..they seek out where it’s coming from……and under that stench is their beloved spath! And the questions start rolling……
I see the spath moving from place to place…..conning peeps in sprinting fashion…and moving on…..give them a break from him…..and then go back for more…..his supply is waning, as from his current behaviors. It seems he goes back to his ‘roots’ (THANK GOD THIS DOESN”T INCLUDE ME) and refuels his emotional supply…..each time he gets booted from a place of new supply. He will stay in his ‘hometown’ root supply for a few months, then proceed back out into the world to gain new supply.
He doesn’t set up shop in any new place…..because I think he knows….he can’t depend on these newbies as new supply for long. His story of victimization now….is getting old…..the stories of losing everything in divorce to the biatch……and when peeps ask him how long he’s been out…..and he states several years…..and he still doesn’t have a rented apt. , vehicle or money (con, but go with it huh)…..then peeps ask questions.
In the beginning this worked…..peeps would give him a place to stay, a car to drive…..all ofcourse are HIGH END places….and HIGH END cars…..no skin of this new supplies back…..for a period……until his story wears thin and old! And he moves on when he ‘feels’ it wearing thin, as to not cut off totally the supply…..but defer it for later.
Hes’ a wreak…..hes facing major felony drug charges and has nothing…….
Tell me…..has spath accomplished exposing himself?
oooh Erin, I like the rotting duck comparison! Reminds me of how everything around him reeked to high heaven while I was involved with him but he was always able to throw it off on someone else, which I, of course, believed for a time. But, as you said, eventually, if they remove layers and remove layers and the stench remains, perhaps they will see it.
Like a spath blaming the dog/kids for THEIR stinky fart!
And they sometimes go so far as to punish either for doing it to keep you looking in the wrong direction.
EB, your mind and mine run in the same GUTTER, I was going to use an analogy of the silent fart in the elevator—-LOL
Yes, they do blame it on others and SOMETIMES there is an odor, but sometimes they CAN burn enough “insense” to cover the odor for a while. NOT all can do the COVERT abuse, some is OVERT and they are obviously TRASHY but others have this great social cover, “good manners” and “intelligence and education” and so on to cover for them. Then there are the tattooed biker-thugs, but if a P has enough social grace to cover up, then they can go on for DECADES or even forever.
As far as the advice column of “deal abby” or “ann landers” or those colums, they are definitely for ENTERTAINMENT purposes not “great advice” these people are not even as qualified as “Dr. Laura” or “Dr. Phil” or Jerry Springer or Montel, they are to real advice what Judge Joe Brown or Judge Judy is to a REAL COURT! LOL Dr. Phil seems to take himself a bit more “seriously” than Jerry Springer but gosh, guys, who in their right mind goes on NATIONAL Television to get their THERAPY? There is a reason therapy, REAL therapy is CONFIDENTIAL guys. This is just liike the Bachelor show, or REALITY TV—it is NOT REAL folks, the p roblem may be real, but getting your solution from Jerry Springer, or Dear Abby or Dr. Phil, or finding LOVE on a TV show, it is all NONSENSE.
Dr. Phil does pay these people with “free therapy” at some kind of supposedly real therapy place, but it is PAY fror exposing their family’s incest, or drug addiction or whatever so his ratings can stay up and he can get another 16 million dollar house!
I won’t say that they NEVER give good advice, or bring up a thing that is important, Oprah now has this NO texting while you drive campaign and that is good, but she has also had some real clunker shows. So most of it is nothing but entertainment. It is like a diet totally of junk food with an occasional apple thrown in for “health’s sake.”
Dear Donna, Awesome topic and great post! I’ve read the letter and all the comments on here.
I am going to make a case for demographics. I have lived in big, big cities, in small towns and everything in between. There is something to be said about having a BIG name in a small town. Tickets get “overlooked” and I even saw a man walk on a murder rap due to someone “losing” evidence and the one on trial was a judge’s son. I have seen others not go to jail for offenses the normal person would go for. I was married to one of them for 20 years. He is NOT a sociopath (“it” came later) but my ex husband cheated continuously throughout the years. When I was finally fed up, didn’t respect or love him anymore, it all came to a head and of course, the divorce was the talk of the town as well. We THINK no one knows what goes on, but people do. I cannot tell you the people who came to me with stories about my ex AFTER I was out of that town. My ex hubby did everything “right”. He was on the hospital board, a Chamber of Commerce member and President, the Rotary, B.S.’s, the church choir, the whole nine yards. He was such a “good boy”. And cheated like a mad man. I know of 2 marriages that broke up because he was sleeping with the wife. There are people who are silent that just plain hated my ex husband and still do. Years ago, he got remarried to one of his girlfriends and has cheated on HER as well. (No! How could it be true?)
My point here is that geography just might very well have something to do with whether or not Abby’s advice works or not. In a large city, and I have lived in some biggies, no one cares. You call and cry to your girlfriends and that’s as far as it goes. In a small town, it can tarnish a reputation. BIG TIME… My ex has a rep that is very dirty now. He still has the name and the money, but he doesn’t have the respect. Money talks and B.S. gets to walk. JMHO