Last week I happened to read a Dear Abby column in the newspaper. A woman wrote to Abby that she had been married to a man for 15 years who was controlling and manipulative, along with being emotionally, economically and sexually abusive. The letter-writer termed her husband narcissistic and passive-aggressive, but in my view he may be a sociopath.
The woman is filing for divorce. Her dilemma is that her husband projects a “good guy” image, and she fears that if she accuses him of abuse, no one will believe her.
Abby’s advice was to tell a few close girlfriends what really happened. “The truth will spread like wildfire,” Abby wrote.
I wonder if Abby gave good advice for this situation. I’m sure the advice would be helpful under most circumstances. But if this guy is a sociopath, there’s a good chance that he’s already started the smear campaign against his wife—telling people that she’s mentally unbalanced, a terrible mother, and cheating on him.
What do you think?
Read the letter, Truth of abusive marriage will tarnish man’s sterling image. Then tell us if you think Abby’s plan will work.
Ya’ll all know how my ex made a giant smear campaign on me and told heinous lies. His wife ran me out of a job and he made me unwelcome to return to another one. They threatened me with much worse to keep me from retaliating. That is over and in the past. Even though his wife just came to my new job, she can’t do ANYTHING to me when she finds out we’re in the same building. But it’s all good.
I have to say that I really love getting a good laugh at their expense. It is very satisfying after getting off early today and enjoying a nice workout in this blazing heat, it just made my day so much better. See, my spath was a big time slob. The first time he drove me in his car, he opened the door for me and two feet of trash fell out. His ENTIRE SUV was filled with trash. He would eat and drink in the car and throw all the trash on the floor and let it accumulate there. There was layers of dried on coffee all over the place because he would spill and never clean up. His white doctor coat was always covered with stains and was a wrinkled mess.
I used to wash,bleach and starch his coats for him but was unable to get him to let me clean out his car. If we had stayed together, I would have gotten really tired of cleaning up after him. He was a slob in my house when he lived with me.
First of all, when I was pulling into the parking garage at work this morning, a very familiar vehicle was behind me. I stopped at the gate to swipe my card and sure enough–IT WAS INDEED the spath’s wife behind me!! This was my first time seeing her since she came to the job. Keep in mind that I have a new vehicle since he and I broke up AND she and I have never met in person-only spoke on the phone and by email. I saw that it was a great opportunity that she was behind me so I chose to drive as SLOW as humanly possible all the way to the 5th floor of the garage where she likes to park. THen I parked a few spots away to see what she was looking like these days. Boy man-I thought she was ugly last year!!! My how things can get worse! That was my first opportunity for laughter for the day-since he had told her that I wasn’t very attractive and looked like a man.
As I was leaving early today I had to walk past her car to get to mine. I just happened to peek in the window and found that her ENTIRE SUV was covered in trash-just like his. I had a lovely little laugh as I walked to my shiny new clean truck and got inside. I’m still smiling now-after my workout!!!!
It is so funny how some people are just SO MADE FOR EACH OTHER!!!!
Since readers usually comment on Dear Abby’s advice, why don’t some of us who have actual life experiences dealing with a sociopath send in responses, advising the woman how to proceed with her hubby, alerting her to the fact that she could very well be dealing with a sociopath. I’ve never written to Dear Abby in my lifetime – only have read her column occasionally.
erin1972,
I am glad your day started off well. What you described rings a bell – my h-spath is a slob with his vehicle, driving me crazy, doing the same things that the doctor did. Yuck!
bluejay-it really is gross. I am a Virgo so I tend to be tidy and neat. I would be mortified and would possibly die if a potential love interest would see my car or my house looking the way it did. He used to tell me that his wife never cleaned the house and it looked worse than mine on it’s worst day. He said that HE had to do all the work. Dear Lord I would hate to go in their house. I was always tempted to sneak outside when he was sleeping and clean out his car. He always wanted us to go out in my car with me driving-I wonder why. That was a red flag that I ignored. He sure did love me taking care of his white coats-the only time they ever looked good!
bluejay and erin1972,
OH WOW! This hits me about the car. My ex’s car is a mess. When he drove my car, it was a mess. What IS it with them and cars? And what’s really interesting is that my ex left all kinds of evidence and clues as to what he had been doing and it was not legal, I can tell you that!
What irritates me about Dear Abby, Ask Amy and all these other is that they claim to have all these experts at their fingertips, yet they repeatedly wing it when it comes to situations like this. In this case, at a minimum, Abby owed it to her reader to run this by her legal and psychological/psychiatric experts and offer the writer some real advice. A common sense read of the letter suggests that the writer needed to get advice better than launching her own smear campaign.
About a year ago “Ask Amy” had a letter from the parents of a daughter in college who had lied about her college status, conned them out of money to study abroad (didn’t happen), was manipulative, etc — basically every single symptom the parents described fell squarely into the description of a sociopath. Her answer? You daughter needs psychological counselling. Great advice, Amy. Help the daughter to get even better at her con.
It is no secret that incidence of sociopathy is growing, as is society’s awareness of it. I would expect, at the least, that these experts might want to take a flyer and become a bit educated on the subject of sociopathy. Especially before they give advice that might very well get the person asking for advice killed.
Matt, good point! These are the people who reach millions of readers and their column is something that a lot of people automatically go to as they’re reading the morning paper. I know that I did that when I had the papered delivered to my door each morning.
I have not read the “Ask Amy” column you described, but yes, that clearly sounds like a sociopath and in my experience with my ex, all the counseling did was making him better at being a con.
E72:
HA! And you were worried about the first encounter……
Ya see…..99.9% of the things we worry about never materialize. YOU were in control of this….SHE was behind you….YOU were in control of your speed (or lack of) going up to the 5th floor……..and you got a glimpse of her fugliness.
I’m glad you feel good, this is a great thing for you!!!!
Dear abby Dear Abby
Well I never thought
my girlfriend and me
would ever get caught
we was sittin in the back seat
jus shooting the breeze
with her hair up in curlers
and her pants to her knees
si igned
just married
Just married Just married you got no complaint
You are what you are and you ain’t what you aint
She listen up buster and listen up good
stop wishin for bad luck
and knockin on wood
si igned
Dear Abby
(From John Prine’s song of the same title)
If you want good advice, it won’t come from the paper.
“advice may pour down from the stadium full, but only the matador faces the bull”…….
E72
That is hysterical!
Ya know, there are certain natural laws of justice that just won’t be twarted, aren’t there…..