Last week I happened to read a Dear Abby column in the newspaper. A woman wrote to Abby that she had been married to a man for 15 years who was controlling and manipulative, along with being emotionally, economically and sexually abusive. The letter-writer termed her husband narcissistic and passive-aggressive, but in my view he may be a sociopath.
The woman is filing for divorce. Her dilemma is that her husband projects a “good guy” image, and she fears that if she accuses him of abuse, no one will believe her.
Abby’s advice was to tell a few close girlfriends what really happened. “The truth will spread like wildfire,” Abby wrote.
I wonder if Abby gave good advice for this situation. I’m sure the advice would be helpful under most circumstances. But if this guy is a sociopath, there’s a good chance that he’s already started the smear campaign against his wife—telling people that she’s mentally unbalanced, a terrible mother, and cheating on him.
What do you think?
Read the letter, Truth of abusive marriage will tarnish man’s sterling image. Then tell us if you think Abby’s plan will work.
The experience I have with a sociopath, it seems like the more you start to see things, you wonder do others see or they see them as a good individual in order for them to continued to get over people as they have. I know my son father is a manipulator, he will tell the biggest lies as if you unable to find out the truth, it is sicking, do not know what to do my child life can be in danger due to the way he is and the court does not see the truth, the manipluation. My son father believes if he speaks something it is what it should be no matter what, you have to go with it, if he tells you he has five kids, he cannot do for yours, this what it must be, he is not living in this world with the rest of people. I do not know how to explain this to the court.
She not only didn’t give her good advice, she seemed to almost dismiss her as well. Her response was short and cryptic at best, potentially damaging at worst.
The husband is only abusing her now, wait until the divorce is in motion. He will start using the kids as leverage, then as confidants as he tries to portray the wife as even more unstable. She can confide in a few close friends, but I wouldn’t count on it spreading like wildfire in a small town. Just as she doesn’t want to appear the bad guy, neither will they.
She needs to be tending the fire very carefully. Eyes and ears open, mouth shut, being the one who remains calm and static, while he gets all riled up. The truth will eventually surface.
Maybe we could do as bluejay suggested and send a copy of this page to Dear Abby.
Good morning everyone… Reading all of your words always helps me heal a little bit more.
Regarding Abby telling the woman to tell other women about her ordeal made me think about when I left my ex of 26 years. HE had always had that ‘perfect’ public face too.
It was such a surprise when I finally worked up the courage to leave him to have SO many people come to me afterwards to say they were so glad I had left, that they had never understood why I was with him. They HAD seen his ugly side but felt that since I was still with him that they couldn’t say anything. That was 8 years ago and I’m still healing…
My best advice to anyone dealing with a sociopath? Believe in yourself, trust your gut and try very hard to LIKE yourself. I’ve learned that the more one like’s oneself, the less appealing you’ll be to a sociopath. They want someone who can be easily manipulated. I can so clearly see now that if I had just liked myself, I would never have allowed myself to be treated so horribly for so many years…
I still struggle with the feeling of wanting to expose the spath.
Right after we split, I have confided in a person, whom I thought I could trust. I have told her about what was going on in the relationship. I must have seemed really bewildered. But she was willing to listen. She let me talk, made me dinner.
Next thing I know she tells me on the phone that she cannot talk to me anymore because I am a TOXIC PERSON. She said she is cutting all contact with me. She has told me that she got to hang out with the spath after I have talked to her, and he had nothing bad to say about me. She said that I was the one running a smear campaign and full of toxin, and the spath seemed so peaceful about things, that he did not even bring up the breakup.
I was so shocked that this woman called me the TOXIC person, and cut all contact. It’s like I was the spath. The path sis the same thing too, he cut all contact, conveniently forgot to pay last bills he was supposed to pay and moved onto another relationship fast as an eyeblink.
The way that “friend” acted really hurt. It made me loose the last bit of confidence in my judgement. I have spent many hours of therapy agonizing and wondering if I was really the toxic person and it was just easier to handle the rejection by thinking that my ex was a spath.
So, I think there is a risk to share some of these things to so called friends. Even if they don’t call you toxic, they might never give the validation that you might want.
Abby should have told her to seek therapy, attend at least once a week and get her divorce going asap, along with legal help.
Dani, she came and posted here and I kept in contact by telephone when she went into the hospital the last time as long as I could. Another LF friend sent her some small gifts (a scarf etc) and this pleased her very much! She was a lovely Christian lady. My point is that we have to make our peace with all this, the people we lost through the damage with the psychopath, not just the P themselves but all those they dupe (or are just like them) and reform our lives to be happy in spite of all this dramarama. WE CAN and we MUST make ourselves happy, and validate ourselves and the reality we see. If we wait too long, the psychopath will smear us so that every resource we have is gone, and no one believes us.
How many times, for how long, have I “covered up” for my P-son, for my P-sperm donor, my egg donor, and every other P I have associated myself with in an intimate relationship of love? WE are NOT the ones who should feel the shame for their behavior, THEY should, (of course don’t) but we feel the shame and try to hide the abuse–the shame that rightly belongs to them. Lily was the perfect example of this, and she paid the horrible price for the covering up. I am no longer willing to cover for other’s bad behavior…they get their own consequences for their own bad behavior. At the same time, I realize that if they have smeared me, or covered up, sometimes Me talking about it to third parties only makes ME look scorned or bad, so I try not to get caught in the TRIANGLE of DRAMA….just validate myself and move on.
Like with my egg donor who has smeared me to high heaven in this community and with her friends and their families and our small family church members and everyone we know….she is this pseudo-pious Mother Theresa, but you know, regardless of what the community and our extended family know, I KNOW THE TRUTH….and what they believe doesn’t change the FACTS. Just like 99.9999% of the people believing at one time that the earth was flat, it didn’t change the shape of the earth! The fact that A FACT is not necessarily accepted as “truth” doesn’t change the FACT.
I think Dear Abby is a narcissist and enabler and I’m as qualified to say that as she is to give advice about sociopaths.
In my case, it didn’t matter who I told and who believed me. It hurt when people who should have known better believed him, but in thinking about it they weren’t people I wanted in my life anyway. As the woman hasn’t moved to safety yet, even if he’s “just” a N, she’s smarter to keep her mouth shut until she’s safe. You never know what they are capable of when they don’t get their way. I think she should tell a few trusted friends about the abuse, or better yet, her doctor. He still might leak the info, but at least she can sue him if he does.
Her advice to the teenager was trivial and dismissive, and then she diagnoses the last writer as passive aggressive. That really ticked me off too. I don’t care how many years he went to school, he can request she use the title, but it’s still a free speech country. I’d say the ones with the problems there are Abby and the “Reverend”. Sorry, respect has to be earned and he’s not her Reverend. He’s obviously an egomaniacal hypochondriac, a narcissist with delusions of grandeur on a power trip with a possible border line personality disorder. There! Anyone want to hire me to write an advice column? I know lots of catch phrases. Unlike Abby, I’d actually read the letters.
Abby’s answer was, at best, superficial and off-handish…
She missed a real opportunity to help many of her readers with similar problems.
Gossiping with the girls will only add more fuel to the fire that the Socio has more than likely already started and is not going to accomplish anything objective or beneficial for that lady.
Turning the other cheek on engaging in a verbal bruhaha and instead focusing on the legal and emotional aspects of the situation, along with seeking professional advice and counsel, is the advice Abby should have offered.
Instead, she resorted to an immature ‘tit for tat’ retort.
My S waged a vitriolic smear campaign and was even so bold as to send me daily fax reports of who he talked to and what he told them about me and even stated in many that he had again visited the police station, the DA, etc. attempting to have me arrested! I saved them all and said NOTHING and contacted no one. I didn’t believe at that time that many people believed him and although he made threats, he couldn’t persuade law enforcement to believe him.
He continued until some of his writings were published on line in Case Histories-True Stories on LoveFraud – thanks to Donna. Someone in his hometown (small) apparently did a web search on him and found the story… after that, he said no more and made no more threats, apparently realizing that he’d taken too large a dose of his own venom.
My advice to anyone in this situation would be to bite the bullet, remain silent, hold your head high and don’t engage in a meaningless repartee.
Sparks
I read this article myself and was shocked at how simplistic the reply was … just tell a few friends the truth and word will spread.
Truth is – very few people see these guys for what they really are …….my close friends do and only one or two of my N’s friends see him for the N/S he is.
Over the last few years, I learned his campaign against me behind my back started many years ago . He set his family up to know he was “unhappy” , let neighbors know he was building himself a house around the corner so he could leave (also behind my back ).
He even told my best friend he was cheating on me – which she kept quiet.
He tells everyone I am crazy.
I yell.
I am unstable
I need counseling – which I am doing thanks to him.
Says he is broke because of the divorce – how can that be when he hasn’t given me much of anything. He put us in debt all by himself.
I hate the fact that he has ruined many friendships for me and made it impossible to stay in the neighborhood .
He and his SKANK are very happy to drive me and the kids right out of their home and area – sick !!!!!!
I know it shouldn’t matter, but people who have known me over 20 years have stopped communicating with me and forgotten about me – mostly males, but still they knew me professionallly and personally . It doesn’t hurt as much anymore – but initially it made his rejection cut even deeper.
They all think he’s a great guy – maybe a little disorganized , maybe s little ADHD – but a great guy nonetheless.
Too bad his wife turned out to be such a bitch – who would have thought ???
But there are others, once they knew I was DONE< DONE< DONE – that came forward to say they never liked him, seemed a little scattered, talked too much of himself, etc.
Passive – aggressive ? Indeed he was . Narcissistic ? – full on NPD says the counselor – likely even sociopathic.
And he has just purchased a 45 caliber hand gun – not sure what to think about that – what would he possibly need it for ? Making bank deposits of cash earned ? – says he's not making any money in either business .
I never felt he would hurt me physically – he never has – but I am puzzled at the timing . The divorce is dragging out, I won't lay down the white flag and agree to his terms and he is growing more frustrated.
My ex waged a huge smear campaign with me, as I’ve talked of before. HE, in the end, outed himself with a lot of people. In my situation, I threw up my hands and gave it to God and He took care of it. I have come to believe in karma and karma in my case was everyone seeing him for what he really is. I know that as I write, he’s out there screwing someone else over and I also feel there’s nothing I can do about it.
ErinB., The whole “underdog” think struck me as I was raised to support the underdog and that very frame of thought is what led to my family being robbed of so much. My own mother went to his side for awhile because of this thinking. He was just the “poor little thing who had a bad childhood and he had those mental problems and he just needed a little love and coddling”..blah, blah, blah.
Today, I don’t buy this garbage at ALL. Use your brain and look for LOGIC. Don’t live in the emotional world all the time. It will take you down and they just love that. The underdog in MY life became simply a dog and an ugly one at that. No offense to dogs and dog lovers meant. I have a dog myself.
What I did like about the letter to Dear Abby is that this woman clearly knows what she’s dealing with, knows there will be repercussions, but it doesn’t address the basic issues, like getting out asap, making plans first, getting her ducks in a row. Those are the things that will help her win in the court room. EB is right, it depends on the stage of healing she’s in. I am past the point of wanting everyone to understand the ex. BUT, I DO still smile when someone tells me something about him that gives more validation to what the ex spath really is. It’s the “human” in me. 🙂