Last week I happened to read a Dear Abby column in the newspaper. A woman wrote to Abby that she had been married to a man for 15 years who was controlling and manipulative, along with being emotionally, economically and sexually abusive. The letter-writer termed her husband narcissistic and passive-aggressive, but in my view he may be a sociopath.
The woman is filing for divorce. Her dilemma is that her husband projects a “good guy” image, and she fears that if she accuses him of abuse, no one will believe her.
Abby’s advice was to tell a few close girlfriends what really happened. “The truth will spread like wildfire,” Abby wrote.
I wonder if Abby gave good advice for this situation. I’m sure the advice would be helpful under most circumstances. But if this guy is a sociopath, there’s a good chance that he’s already started the smear campaign against his wife—telling people that she’s mentally unbalanced, a terrible mother, and cheating on him.
What do you think?
Read the letter, Truth of abusive marriage will tarnish man’s sterling image. Then tell us if you think Abby’s plan will work.
Hello All,
After reading all of the posts, I needed to join your comments. I was married to a spath for almost 20 years, they were good years. No complaints, one day about 1 and 1/2 year ago, the mask dropped, and he never came back. I was married to an illusion, and had two wonderful children with the sperm donor/illusion. I have a hard time wrapping my head around it but my prize were the kids. I love them unconcondionally, and they love me. Their father dumped them both 18 and 14 now, and has since picked up a new family with 4 kids, which I think are his. I do have a problem iwth reading some of the posts.
My ex had been previoulsy married and I was his second wife (that I know of). I thought very badly of his first wife, he talked really bad about her and what she used to do. I believed him. And I feel real real bad. She was probably like me, did not know any better and loved him. She had 4 kids with him and then she was dumpled like me. Deep down I ask for forgiveness by her on a daily basis. I judged her incorrectly but then again I did not know I was marrying a narcissist. I knew he had been previoulsy married and that he had moved out of province to get away from her. AFter I married him, I found out about a few things accidently, but he had an very good excuse for them. He was smooth, real smooth. I always wondered why he did not jump on a plane to see his kids, but he always found a valid excuse. He talked to them on the phone, but nothing more. These kids were very young. They probably did not know what hit them, they had a father one day, and gone another. He always kept me apart from them. Now I know why.
When he discarded me and my kids, he suddenly became friends with his previous family. Now they were all grown and married and blamed me for keepting them apart from him. He said I hated them and he played the victim. He actually cried and appologized to them for not being there for them, tehy beleived him, and now me and my kids are the enemies. Poor kids, they are still dupped by him.
It does not bother me that they think I am a witch but it does bother me that they are being used over and over.
He is real bad.
My kids are entirely with me in all aspects, they respect me and admire my integrity and decency. I do not call him names, but you should hear some of the names my kids call their father. I often tell them to not loose themselves in hatred, let it go. God will do what he sees fit in his own way, sometimes we do not see it happening, but he works his magic behind the scenes. I need to beleve this, it keep me going.
So you see, I could have been the other women, and I was so very innocent. I was with the spath, but did not know it, I thought he loved me….how fortunate that I met him (I thought). We need to realize that the women sometimes know nothing. Unfortunatly you find out when its too late. But the good new is that the women he is with now, has been married twice….and she was seeing him while he was still with me, and she was 16, crazy.
Just thought I would comment, because the spath somtimes pulls innocent people into their webs of deceit and lies. They are the devil on earth.
Take care everyone.
Dear Suvivorlady,
Yes they do pull innocent people into their webs, with their lies. They pull the wool over all our eyes and make us not see the “red flags” that are there, or to get us to explain away those flags, or to not give them proper attention. You saw some of those flags (the no contact with children) but didn’t realize in your innocence that it WAS A RED FLAG. Many of us had that same experience, didn’t realize a flag was a flag, or that it really meant anything. They ARE smooth.
The things we have to learn though is what the flags are, what they mean, and how to spot the psychopath who waves the next flags at us. We chose to believe their stories, and so we get the consequences of believing a lie regardless of how innocent or naive we were.
While they are the abuser, the liar, we chose for whatever reason to believe that lie, or to look at them through rosy colored glasses….but no more! We are learning about them, but also learning about ourselves. Why we were so trusting of their con job….now we will be wiser. Glad you are here! Keep on reading and learning and sharing with us. That’s what helps us all heal!
Dear Abby, tries but, of course she is not a specialist in any field. She doesn’t claim to be. She is a columnist.
She could try to research before answering posts, but that could get her into trouble too. Then again, she is off the mark anyway, it didn’t hurt her career, so what is the difference.
I remember a Dear Abby column from years ago. It pissed me off.
A boss had quit smoking and was bumming cigarettes from her workers. It got to the point where it was costing her workers money. They wrote that the only thing she quit was buying.
Dear Abby replied that they should tell the boss they don’t have cigarettes cause they quit. Then do it!
I thought this was totally off the mark. What if the boss was trying to lose weight and dug her hand into the snack bags of her workers? Every time someone bought a bag of chips from the vending machine the boss had her hand in their bag?
This is not about smoking. This is not about junk food. This is about a boss that is bullying her workers.
I’ll bet that boss remembered the worker who denied her a cigarette. And remembered it at the workers “review”.
See I worked with that boss. I didn’t know my co-workers were planning to contact Dear Abby. When I saw the article I was floored and voiced how similar it was to our situation.
Dear Abby should have told the woman about the “smear campaign”, but I don’t believe Dear Abby knows about how hostile our world can be.
jeannie812, oh, your boss just switched to the the OP Brand! Other People’s … cigarettes.
Here I was in the cafeteria checkout line at work today with the ex spath/narcissists wife standing directly across from me. I have to say I was a little tense. It’s obvious that she doesn’t know who I am. It will be nothin nice when she does find out.
E72, NO MATTER WHAT she does or says, act like she is not there, she is INVISIBLE, don’t REACT, DON’T RESPOND. Act like she is a potted plant, YOU CAN DO IT. If you react, you lose right then and there. Even if she shouts and shoves, walk off, and pretend you don’t feel or hear anything. If she shoves you down, act like you walked into a wall. I don’t think she will do any of these things, but it is very important that you KEEP YOUR COOL NO MATTER WHAT.
Believe me I know it isn’t easy, I’ve run into my egg donor at the store and my P-X/ BF showed up at the auction I go to (4 hours from his home—MY TERRITORY—unexpectedly and spoke like nothing happened. I didn’t pull the potted plant with my egg donor but I did with him and I am proud of myself.
He even sat in the row of theater seats right in front of me. I did not even acknowledge with my body language that I saw him. If I can do it so can you!!!!! BE STRONG, I know you can do it! (((hugs)))))
Never letem see you sweat!
That’s key!
Hold your well put together self up, and stand tall!
YOU ARE IN CONTROL!!!!
Ya’ll It just feels so creepy and nauseating to me. It’s like his evil rubbed off on her. I see her smiling in the hall but I get nothing but evil vibes. I need to be able to stay calm though. I have to do this. They always say how male police officers are big time reactors and women are able to keep their cool better and more likely to de-escalate a confrontation with communication. I just think of my former police captain/friend and how she would be so proud of me if I handle this thing cool as a cucumber. I do have to say that I accomplished something good today. I spent 20 minutes on hold with the social security but they are able to construct a complete work history on me since I was 14-including company names, addresses and my start/stop dates. All of my police department background check questionnaires require this information. All I have to do is print the form and send $57 and I’ll have it in 4 months. I can’t wait to get back in somewhere-even if it’s not in New Orleans!
I wanted to write to Erin1972 ”“ as I’ve been reading your posts about bumping into your Spath’s wife at your job.
I’m concerned a little that you’re still vulnerable to getting into a battle with Spath’s wife and getting ’dragged into drama’ again. So far I’m reading that you’re the one who’s ’winning the battle’ and can actually see that she’s nothing particularly special (SHE IS NOT THE ONE, HE DID NOT CHANGE FOR HER !) and get validation that you were discarded BECAUSE there was something deficient in you.
From what I’ve read, you seem (as is typical for LF bloggers) like an really cool person. He likely discarded you because you became a ’less easy mark’ for whatever reason. Maybe you’re pretty and socially desirable and he could see that you have great reasons to believe in yourself, are smarter, were starting to ’work him out’ or whatever, he knew from his previous experiences that the time was coming soon that you would be calling him on his b/s more and more and he would be exposed to you. Unbearable to an N S or P to be ’unmasked’ ”“ they’ll do anything to avoid it!
I think that maybe your dream of becoming a police officer actually scared him, ’cos he knew you’d likely develop better skills and become more confident etc. He couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who would ’outshine’ him in anyway or who’s trained to spot b/s. Makes you too tricky to control etc.
Certainly I’m picking up that this situation with Spath’s new wife is a ’battle’ and might be triggering you. She’s a ’rival’ still. I totally get this because I had to have contact at some points with persons my exN boyfriend had slept with and one he left me for. It really consumed me for ages (far too long in retrospect).
It’s a kind of form of vicarious contact with your Spath -is what worries me and might hold you back in your healing in the longer run.
Is there anyway that you could proactively look at your career choices to a ‘sideways’ move, a promotion or a move to another dept or job. Somewhere that you can quiety make the impetus to GET AWAY ”“ work for you in your career plans, without a word to anyone else?
You know that this woman was used as an ’instrument of torture’ by Spath and that she’s going to be hurt by him just like you were ”“ sooner or later it’s going to happen even if there’s no ’outside’ evidence for a long time. He is what he is. He hasn’t changed and he doesn’t love her. They can’t love!!!
Don’t let your fascination at the ’car crash’ stop you getting to your destination hun!
I had to move jobs too to get away from exN, at first I was angry ’cos I saw this as ’being pushed out’ ”“ in the end I made it work for me and when I was ’fit to work again’ ”“ (after 4 months of total nervous breakdown) actually ended up going for a more senior position (which I got). Ha!
I’m concerned Erin1972 ”“ don’t get caught up in their web again out of a desire to ’win’. I am saying this because the last thing I was able to give up was this desire for ’vengeance’ or to ’win the game’. It took me 2 1/2 years to start getting to the point where I’m finally actually becoming bored with thinking about ways to get him back! I am at a point where usually I have something more fun or worthwhile to do.
Focus on the people that give you good vibes and happy thoughts hun. You deserve an N S and P free life now!!!
I hope that this post is taken in the spirit it’s meant ”“ which is that YOU DESERVE BETTER!
Blessings
Delta 1