Last week I happened to read a Dear Abby column in the newspaper. A woman wrote to Abby that she had been married to a man for 15 years who was controlling and manipulative, along with being emotionally, economically and sexually abusive. The letter-writer termed her husband narcissistic and passive-aggressive, but in my view he may be a sociopath.
The woman is filing for divorce. Her dilemma is that her husband projects a “good guy” image, and she fears that if she accuses him of abuse, no one will believe her.
Abby’s advice was to tell a few close girlfriends what really happened. “The truth will spread like wildfire,” Abby wrote.
I wonder if Abby gave good advice for this situation. I’m sure the advice would be helpful under most circumstances. But if this guy is a sociopath, there’s a good chance that he’s already started the smear campaign against his wife—telling people that she’s mentally unbalanced, a terrible mother, and cheating on him.
What do you think?
Read the letter, Truth of abusive marriage will tarnish man’s sterling image. Then tell us if you think Abby’s plan will work.
erin1972
Delta1-thanks for you’re concern. You have to know that I am a lot tougher than people think on here and there’s no way that I’m getting involved in their drama and SHE is not running me out of another job. Once again, I was at this job first just like the one she ran me out of. She’s not his NEW wife. She’s the one he cheated on with me. The one he conned me into cheating on him with and I fell for it and let him do it. This woman took him back after he did this to her 4 times with good looking very smart younger women-four DOCUMENTED TIMES. She threatened to take me down last summer but it was done by phone and email. She doesn’t know who I am by looking at me.
I am taking advice from my girl Oxy and I will not entertain her. I have started to get comments made by my boss over my refusal to wear my name badge on my clothes. I keep it in my pocket so that this wife will not recognize me. I am NOT getting written up by my boss over this. They don’t know anything about my past drama. My name badge is going back out on my uniform. I’m not hiding it anymore. If she recognizes me and gets mad then she’ll have to deal. We are going to coexist in this building until a police department accepts me and I leave on my own. It won’t happen until sometime after the 1st of the year and I don’t care.
Her coming to my job has potential to make HER look bad if she finds out I’m there. She ran me out of the other job and then only stayed there a year and then shows up at my new job. It looks like she tried to follow me and harass me. It is not good for my police job applications for me to keep switching jobs and I’m not going to do it anymore. She is going to have to put on her big girl pants and act like she’s grown and be professional and realize that I’m NOT going anywhere until I choose to do so and she has to deal!
I don’t want any kind of vengeance with her or anything. I am finished with this whole drama and it is NOT going to interfere with my life anymore. I can’t deny that is makes me feel good that I found out that she’s portraying a fake image to people just like he is and they deserve each other.
Rosa
……….
sistersister
I haven’t been in this situation romantically, but I can say I have professionally. It really stinks that my abuser can say anything he likes about me, and use sexism to build momentum into the story. Women are at a definite disadvantage when men “circle the wagons” to support their collective domination over us. If I wish to proceed in the same line of work, in the same network of people, I have to pretend nothing bad happened.
Cat
sistersister, amen to what you said! Mine has done the same. I refuse to acknowledge it or pay any attention to what he’s said because that’s what he wants. Let him talk all he wants. Sooner or later, others get sick of hearing it all.
Erin1972, Don’t forget your personal power. We ALL have it, and speaking for myself only, I DID lose it for awhile. Couldn’t find it. I wouldn’t let this woman’s presence bother you. Knowledge is power and just imagine her surprise when she realizes who you are and you’ve known who she is for how long? And if she DOES know who you are, even better! No contact works here too! It’s always a good idea to be a step ahead and I try to do that in my own situation, even though my ex is long gone.
I agree with Ox, pretend she doesn’t exist.
Ox, power to you! How did you pull of of the theater? That’s gotta be an Oscar performance! I think when we are able to do what you did in that situation, it sends a HUGE message. I am quite sure this person was NOT happy at being ignored, but I love the fact that you did it the way you do did! I am taking notes because I know at some point, even with the restraining order, he and I are going to run into each other in a public place and your ability to do this helps me greatly. It isn’t as easy as it sounds because we all get that first second of being startled.
Good stuff on here!
Cat
Ox Drover
Dear Cats,
It actually was at an auction which is an every saturday night affair, the seats are like theater seats though. I had been up looking at some items before the sale started and had come back to my seats. It is usually so well attended that you have to get there early and take possession of a seat or you won’t get one. That night was the attendance was down so were many available seats. As I was bent over to sit down in my seat, he walked up and said “Well, hello lady!” before I even saw him.
I turned and saw his face smiling down on me, I turned back face forward and didn’t speak. I could see him out of perpherial vision,k he was confused that I didn’t speak back…then he left and wandered around, he had a young couple with him. Then they came and took seats in the row directly in front of me.
He stayed maybe 1-2 hours then they got up and left. He never again tried to make eye contact with me. He is one who apparently likes to stay “friends with benefits” with his old girl friends, no matter if he is married or not, or dating someone else. It is like he has this “harem” of women scattered in several states and areas of our state so when he travels he always has a available woman.
Actually the NC rule goes (to me anyway) to anyone that I have pushed out of my circle of friends and trusted people. I don’t make “polite conversation” with them. I don’t make CONVERSATION with them at all. It is the GOOD OLD SOUTHERN SNUB of pretending they don’t even exist. They are INVISIBLE, soundless. Unimportant. It is called “cutting them dead” in terms of the Old South, and the worst insult a REAL lady or gentleman could give to someone who was BENEATH CONTEMPT.
erin1972
What does ……….. . mean? What’s your point?
Wini
Well, the original Dear Abby has left us to be in Heaven with Jesus. Apparently, her daughter took over the site and continues her column. I wonder why she didn’t call it “To Abby” meaning, Dear Abby 2.
Just wondering.
Ox Drover
E72, Is your question to me or someone else?
Wini, I always thought it was cute that “Ann Landers” and “abigail van Buren” were in fact TWIN sisters who had compeating “lovelorn columns” Some papers carried them both.
When both women died, someone took over their columns. “Miss Manners” column was also taken over as well and continued.
Some of the old comic strips or columns died when their writers died and some continued on. I’m glad some of them did continue the world wouldn’t be half as good without Charlie Brown or Dennis the Menace, and several others who have second generation writers/artists.
The old Ann and Abby columns though were more about being polite (or not) than about anything else….they didn’t discuss very many SERIOUS issues or psychopaths, so maybe they have changed some since I quit reading them years ago.
erin1972
Oxy-no girl I wasn’t asking you that. It was posted after my last post by Rosa? I was just wondering what she meant or if it was a typo?
BTW-I used to like to read Erma Bombeck in the paper. She was funny!!
Dani S
Oxy- you are so right – we have to make peace with all of this, it is the only way to heal and move on. We cant change the spaths in our lives, we can never change they way they are nor can we worry about the people in their lives that don’t know what they are. In my experience the spath is always eventually exposed.
I guess you have had to really learn the peace in the madness having so many of them effect your life. I don’t know how you do it, one spath was enough for me. I admire your strength and wisdom 🙂