The American Psychiatric Association is in the process of updating its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, the DSM-5. This is the “bible” used by psychiatrists and other mental health professionals to diagnosis psychiatric conditions, including antisocial personality disorder. Two members of the committee working on personality disorders have resigned, stating that the proposal displays a “stunning disregard for evidence.”
Dr. Liane Leedom and I had issues with how the first draft described antisocial personality disorder, which was why we conducted a Lovefraud survey back in 2010. Based on the survey results, we submitted Lovefraud’s  comment about sociopaths for the DSM-5. The description was since revised, but apparently there are professionals who are still dissatisfied.
If the professionals can’t agree, no wonder the rest of us are confused.
Two who resigend from DSM-5 explain why, on PyschologyToday.com.
I better check myself. I think I just gloated and I get slapped pretty bad when I do that……!! oops… I’ll settle down..
Kim
I am very interested in literary theory. I watched about 30 movies (on purpose) about spaths. I was amazed at how consistent the spaths were portrayed. I mean, consistent with how WE on LF know them to be. I never really saw them before.
So now Ibelieve there must be theory behind character development and literary theory. All this stuff I never saw before and now there it is.
Lies.
Athena
Athena,
Kim is definitely the expert on literary theory. She knows her stuff. She was the first to help me understand Girard’s theories because she had read Violence and the Sacred (it’s not an easy read and everyone needs help getting it.)
What you are doing is what Girard did when he developed his theories. He was researching the differences in the great classics and instead he stumbled upon the similarities. He noted that all the great stories had certain elements, specifically: mimetic desire. envy. scapegoating. trading places, etc…
He never said it, but once I read his theories, I knew he was talking about spaths, whether he knew it or not. He was certainly talking about human nature.
One of his books is titled, “A theater of envy” and it dissects Shakespeare’s plays to reveal the role that envy played in those dramas. I’ve only read one chapter but I could see that he was really hitting the notes.
This really spoke to me, as did Linda’s article on her dream. I have been having a waking fantasy lately, where I am in the mandated family therapy session (thankfully, these ended a year ago) with my 3 teenage children, exspath and his spathwife, and the therapist. In this fantasy/dream, I am bold and speak up to say: “there is an elephant in the room, and I am going to name it and focus attention on it. An “elephant in the room” means something forbidden to mention, so we pretend it is not there and that it is not the cause or overarching contributing factor to the reason we are all gathered here. I know that I am not “allowed” to name it but I’m going to anyway, because if I don’t, then I am colluding in it. I’m not going to collude. As well, this therapy is just a pointless charade, without the naming of the real problem. My ex-spath has an undiagnosed and untreated personality disorder, and that is the problem. I should know: I was married to him and I’ve known him for 20 years. I know all the traits because I have studied it and lived with it. I have interacted with him and observed his interactions with others. It is undeniably true. I am going to say that even if I am not allowed to “diagnose” him, I AM allowed to NAME THE PROBLEM. It is not that I am blaming him for having a personality disorder, but I will not stand by and continue to allow the rest of us to be blamed for the effects of his behaviors, due to his undiagnosed, untreated condition. Without naming it, we are barking up the wrong tree, colluding in shifting the blame to the rest of us, and it is harmful to all of us, including him.”
So that has been my fantasy. It always ends badly. Usually he just laughs and shrugs and rolls his eyes at me, and the therapist “tsk, tsk’s” me because I really am NOT allowed to speak of such things. The spathwife looks at me with condescending pity.
But I and my children are empowered and feel only relief.
So…. I do think it is powerful and necessary to speak up and name it. I see no problem calling it “Evil.” That is what it is.
It is a great shame that we as a country have allowed ourselves to become so uneducated that we cannot hear the truth when it is spoken, because our egos get in the way. “oh my gosh! she just said the word “evil!” she must be one of those crazy, ignorant Christian people! She has gone off the deep end. We cannot possibly respond to her with anything but nodding our heads politely at her and then excusing ourselves at the first opportunity….”
I’m new here. Sorry if this isn’t exactly relevant, but can someone help me find something I saw on lovefraud dot com a few months ago? It was a list of the top ten lies psychopaths tell in order to defraud their victims. A few of the lies were; 1. Ex Military, 2. Wealthy, 3. Unmarried; and the 9th one (if I remember correctly) was, Born Again Christian. This is one of the lies my ex told me to suck me in. Thanks.
Lovinglen
Hi there, welcome to lovefraud. I don’t know the list that you’re talking about. Those lies sound about right. My Ex-Spath lied about his wealth, home ownership, marital status, military background. I think they study their victims and figure out what shit is most likely to stick. I don’t know about Born Again Christian but it probably fits.
I am sorry for what happened to you, but I am glad you found LF as you will get support here.
Athena
20 years
Your post made me laugh out loud. Wow, do I relate to THAT elephant in the room!
A few weeks back I had a brief conversation with my spath. I reminded him that he once called me a narcissist. He hung his head and said, “We both know that I have problems”. I didn’t know what to say and didn’t want to offend him, so I changed the subject.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING. I DIDNT WANT TO OFFEND HIM?
Even when I know it’s a spath, I don’t really “know” it’s a spath.
Ridiculous.
Athena
Thanks callmeathena. I was hoping to find the list to print for future reference. That list was an eye opener for me because it listed one of his most blatant, but well played out lies; that of being a born again Christian. Nothing in my life had prepared me for the possibility that someone would fake (and fake well) being a Christian in order to trick a woman into marriage. Who would ever thing a person would do that? And why?????
It didn’t take long for me to figure out why he did it, but it took me 12 hellish years to gather the courage to get out because he used threats and intimidation (mostly about custody) to try to get me to stay in the marriage. And of course he lied, lied, lied throughout the marriage. Ruined me financially. He also lied about his past and his lifestyle, drug use, alcohol use, pornography. He told me I was the crazy one, that he loved me but that I was so unstable that I wouldn’t know what love was if it slapped me in the face, even though he consistently treated me with such blatant disregard for my most basic needs, like refusing to get out of bed when I was in labor. But I was supposed to believe that he loved me but that I was just too unstable to see it.
He threatened to paint me as unstable, rage-a-holic, psychotic, etc. if I ever tried to leave him so that he get the kids.
Oh, and he’s a licensed psychologist by the way. He used to suggest that he knew all the judges in town (and he does) and that they would believe him because he’s a doctor.
What a mess I made of my life by believing his lies. I feel like I’ve lost 14 years of my life; the year we dated when I was unknowingly being sucked in by his lies, the 12 horrendous years of more lies, emotional abuse and threats, and the year long divorce battle which was of course UGLY. Isn’t it always ugly to divorce one of these men?
I’ve only been free of him for 30 days, so the healing process is just beginning. I guess I’m still trying to make sense of it all; mainly how I got scammed and why I believed him? And how do get over the grief of throwing away so much of your life for someone who’d burn you alive and die laughing about it?
callmeathena,
Well, I am so guilty of covering for my exspath all these years.
Let me rephrase that: I take responsibility for colluding in his behaviors, because I didn’t speak up.
Yes, I was afraid of offending or hurting him.
Yes, I was afraid that I was not qualified (i.e., have a mental health license) therefore “allowed” to speak up and name this thing.
Yes, I didn’t really understand what personality disorders “look like” even though I lived with it and read all those books… it took me 20 years for it to sink in and to get it!!!
So now that I know, and part of “taking responsibility” is realizing what part I played, and resolving to do it differently from now on. So far, it is just in fantasy form. 🙂
But I just did something new, just this week. You see, he has been using the only manipulative tool he has left, with the kids: money. I finally fixed that one. I went to the school and told them (in somewhat veiled terms because I knew they wouldn’t REALLY get it) of the challenges, and I said, “my ex and I have a legal agreement where I pay 25% and he pays 75%. Can I please just pay you directly my 25% and you can either go after him for the 75% or grant some financial aid?”
And they said YES. And they said, “from now on, Ms. 20 years, you need not worry. We will HANDLE IT FOR YOU.”
So — NO MORE!!! No more going to him to beg for money for the kids’ education (we are talking SAT fees, field trip fees, textbook fees, AP test fees, etc.).
Some of the burden has finally been lifted from my kids’ shoulders. I’m a grownup and I can take it (I’m so darned tough and it’s so darned unfair how tough I have had to BE) — but I find it very hard to watch my kids suffer.
They can take this battle on when they are adults, but for now….
Yeah, I’m so sick of covering for him and pretending that “it takes two” and doing my 50% to make things work (more like 100%). It makes me very tired.
20years,
you ARE tough. I can read it in you. Your backspath was well played. Congrats. I also like your fantasy. I have many similar fantasies all day long every day!
Fantasies about telling the truth. Why would we even need to FANTASIZE about telling the truth? Shouldn’t the truth simply be TOLD? I WISH!
But in this perverted landscape we call our world, the truth is a shameful thing and the one who speaks it is the one who is made to feel shamed.
That is what Rene Girard means when he says, the foundation of culture was a murder and a lie. My spath-husband-stealing neighbor was right when she said, “Skylar, EVERYBODY lies.”
Well, just about everybody. If you don’t lie, they turn on you.