William Balfour, 31, of Chicago, was found guilty last week of murdering Darnell Donerson, Jason Hudson and Julian King. They were the mother, brother and nephew of singer and actress Jennifer Hudson.
In my opinion, this case was a tragedy, but a preventable tragedy. Julia Hudson, Jennifer’s older sister, brought Balfour into the family when she married him. If she hadn’t married this man, it obviously wouldn’t have happened.
Jennifer Hudson was the first witness in the murder trial. She testified that the entire family was against Julia’s relationship with Balfour. “None of us wanted her to marry him. We did not like how he treated her,” she stated in court.
Julia secretly married William Balfour anyway in December 2006.
Who is William Balfour?
William Balfour is one of those people who was dealt a bad hand in life, and made it worse.
It seems that his family history includes sociopathy. His father was convicted of murder and sentenced to 30 years. His maternal grandmother went to prison for manslaughter. His mother was physically abusive to Balfour and his older brother.
Balfour himself had an extensive juvenile record, ran away from shelters and relatives’ homes, dropped out of school in ninth grade and joined a gang. At age 17, he stole a car with the owner clinging to the hood and crashed it into a telephone pole. He was convicted of attempted murder.
Read Hudson murder suspect led grim life before slayings, on RedEyeChicago.com.
Hook up
When William Balfour got out of prison in 2006, he hooked up with Julia Hudson, whom he knew from elementary school.
I can imagine how that seduction went:
“Julia, baby, you are so fine ”¦ if I was with a woman like you, I could turn my life around ”¦ you know I never had a chance ”¦ my dad was locked up as long as I can remember ”¦ my mom used to beat me and my brother ”¦ she actually gave us up, said she didn’t want us around any more ”¦ mothers are supposed to love you, but my mother never showed me any love ”¦ you’re a woman who knows how to love, I can just tell ”¦ yeah, I used to be wild, but I did my time, and now I’m ready for a new life ”¦ with you at my side, I’ll be a new man ”¦ I know I can do it ”¦ c’mon, baby, I really want to make something of myself ”¦ but I can’t do it without you ”¦ you know I love you, and you love me ”¦ there’s no reason for us to wait ”¦ “
I’m sure Balfour laid it on thick. He probably anticipated that if he hooked up with Julia Hudson, he’d be on the gravy train, because Julia’s sister was an actress ”¦ a movie star ”¦ a celebrity ”¦ and rich.
When Julia Hudson no longer wanted Balfour around, my guess is that not only was he outraged to lose control of her, but he was also outraged to lose the gravy train.
Reasons
Yes, William Balfour never had a chance in life. I recognize that he came from the mean streets of Chicago, as did Julia Hudson. She could have felt sorry for him. But she didn’t have to marry him.
Many Lovefraud readers have accepted as romantic partners people with serious life issues—including arrests, convictions, addictions and other problems. Why did they do it? Here are some of the reasons I’ve heard:
- Everyone deserves a second chance.
- I felt sorry for him (her).
- I believed I could change him (her).
- I just knew there was a good person inside him (her).
- I believe in the power of love.
- I’m a Christian, and I believe people can repent.
- He (she) needed me.
- He (she) just needed unconditional love.
Disqualifications for marriage
The purpose of marriage is a life partnership, in which both spouses support each other. Marriage is not social work. Therefore, if you are searching for a spouse, I recommend eliminating anyone with the following characteristics or history:
- Conviction for murder or attempted murder
- History of domestic violence
- Conviction for fraud, theft or property crimes
- Drug dealing or manufacturing
- No apparent income or means of financial support
- Pathological lying
- Failure to support children
- Controlling behavior
- Outbursts of rage
- Suffered abuse as a child, combined with any of the above.
Do not delude yourself into thinking that your relationship will be different, your love is special, you can change the person. Yes, sometimes people can turn themselves around. But do you want to bet your life on this person, and the lives of your family and friends?
UPDATE:
Newlywed, still in wedding dress, found stabbed to death in tub, on ChicagoTribune.com.
We will find sociopaths in any group situation. AA included. What I know about psychopaths and malignant narcissists, however, is that THERE IS NEVER ANYTHING WRONG WITH THEM…so if they show up at an AA meeting it is not for a good reason. I think they may be looking for vulnerable “supply.”
I once overheard some guys talking at a table next to me, this is what one of the guys said, “If you ever want to get laid just go to an AA meeting, those gals are HORNY!”
Great discussion. But, remember, all sectors of society have sociopaths in them. My rule of thumb is, “if he (she) sounds too good to be true, then it is likely a facade.”
It is difficult to determine if you are in the company of a P or MN so my new rule is to watch for the signs. Here are some of the signs I look for:
1. They sound, look, and act too good to be true.
2. They “glomm” onto you like fly to honey too fast for your comfort zone.
3. They appear needy and without shame ask for things from you too early in the relationship. When it comes from adult kids they too ask for things shamelessly even though they should be well on their way to taking care of themselves.
4. Their gifts suck. No thought of YOU in them and often just regifted items. My mother once gave me a used laundry basket that was hard plastic and broken all the way down one side. My son was a crawling baby and if he had touched it he would have been cut by the sharpness of the broken plastic.
Another time she opened her fridge and gave me a bag full of tiny jams she got on a cruise ship. Then I remembered, she had gone on the cruise over 5 years earlier!
My P father gave me stolen items.
5. MN are especially good at character killing of people…now I never listen to “gossip” and make my own mind up about people. My mother use to bad-mouth all of her children and what was weird was the people that were her “friends” had no idea of the trauma she was creating in the home. If a parent bad-mouths their child and it is frivilous or normal childhood behavior, run from him or her – or find out if his or her kids are okay.
6. This last guy in my life who took my granddaughter and molested her was way too good to be true. Soft blue eyes, would give you the shirt off his back. I saw how much he cared about my granddaughter and took her places, gave her gifts, etc. etc. I knew this man for five years! All along he was grooming her (and me).
He was sentenced to 18 months in jail last week (I found the c.d.s of photo’s he had taken of her).
Now I am back in the hole again filled with guilt and shame for bringing this monster into my granddaughter’s life.
We have to be careful not just for ourselves, but for our loved ones too.
God bless. And pray for me because I’m about to jump off the ledge over the mountainous number of psycho’s I have endured and now introducing to my most precious loved ones.
I’m at the point where I don’t trust MYSELF anymore.
P.S. The guy who damaged my granddaughter once gave me a gift of rotting flowers in a pot to celebrate my new job. Weird, weird, weird. I saw the look on my new co-worker’s eyes when he brought them to the reception himself. *shaking my head at the strangeness of it all.*
Hi All,
I haven’t posted for some time. I just wanted to say that my expierience with an alchoholic was terrible. He quit drinking and was in counseling so I went back to him. This was after a 6 month separation while I moved back home to a different state and he stayed in LA. When I went back to him, he was EXACTLY THE SAME, just not drinking.
I firmly beleive that his underlying personality disorders were at work here with the booze. It was very bad. I stayed for one more year and then left for good. That was 19 years ago. I have since worked out that he could be borderline and a narc. Oh well.
Donna, thank you for linking the article.
How incredibly ironic is that: The name of this post and that poor woman found murdered in her wedding dress?????
It seems she literally married a murderer.
Tragic.
If only she had found her way to this web site BEFORE marrying him.
Welcome Smart_Yet_Deceived.
“I have been very concerned that I would find myself in another relationship with a sociopath.”
I had and still have the same fear as well. Hopefully, we can avoid these toxic people.
Speaking up,
I’m sorry for the tragedies you have endured. It does seem that children who have been molested continue to attract molesters throughout their lives. Those of us raised by P’s seem to attract P’s too.
From what I’ve been reading about shame, it seems to be an addiction for some people. Addiction is about numbing yourself from feelings you don’t want and that numbing happens through increased endorphins in the brain. Shame addiction happens when childhood shame is so unbearable that it creates those same endorphins – like a runner’s high when you can’t run anymore but still do. After that, shame is your addiction for getting high and numbing any other anxiety in your life.
For myself, I think I had an addiction to dangerous men because I was afraid of my father as I was growing up. Fear turned to endophins and then I looked for men who would give me that rush. Even if they weren’t angry – my spath rarely was at first – subconsciously, I knew they had that potential. What I didn’t know, was the extent of it. I never realized he was capable of murder until 25 years later.
Anyway, I think we need to be aware of what we are subconsciously attracted to. What gives us a buzz? What numbs our anxiety? Then we need to stay away from it. Until we are completely healthy, it isn’t safe to be attracted to anyone.
Kathleen,
This is a HUGE insight and I relate to it 100%.
“It made me think about how close the codependent “deal” was to classic addict thinking. Blaming everyone but myself for what wasn’t working out in my life. And drinking my own Kool-Aid about what a wonderful person I am”.And then embedded resentment (old anger) becomes the foundation for all sorts of other dysfunctions, including addictions.”
Beautiful, Kathleen. Sounds like you have done very deep work.
Dupey,
Good to hear that you are feeling better. 🙂
Speaking_Up,
You didn’t know what you didn’t know at that time, but now your eyes are open. Please don’t beat yourself up.
Wow, Skylar, this is incredibly insightful:
“Shame addiction happens when childhood shame is so unbearable that it creates those same endorphins ”“ like a runner’s high when you can’t run anymore but still do. After that, shame is your addiction for getting high and numbing any other anxiety in your life.”
Me too, skylar:
“For myself, I think I had an addiction to dangerous men because I was afraid of my father as I was growing up. Fear turned to endophins and then I looked for men who would give me that rush.”
I look forward to the day when I’ll be finished with my ’daddy work’!! Right now, my father issues are invisible suitcases that I silently schlep around: heavy obstacles that weigh me down.
Completely agree with this: “Until we are completely healthy, it isn’t safe to be attracted to anyone.”
Dear Kathleen and Sky. Thank you for your thought provoking posts!
Yes, addiction, this is it!!!
Now “Protect me from what I want” on my desk makes perfectly sense (I was attracted to this quote but never really got the WHY).
Shame addiction! My whole life so far was about shame, my own and also bearing the shame of the whole shameless family. Wow, a BIG AHA-moment for me! Actually I now feel shame because of my situation 🙁
Don’t need shame addiction anymore! Thanks!! ((((Hugs))))
libelle, I like this:
“Protect me from what I want”
That’s very good. Kinda like ‘watch out what you wish for’.
Libelle,
Recognizing shame is the first step. I still have trouble with it, that’s why I named it slime. I was (and still am) in denial about shame, but slime couldn’t be denied. Spaths always made me feel like I needed a shower.
Ever wonder why some people become obsessive compulsive hand washers? I have a feeling it has to do with a spath.
((hugs)) back at you.