William Balfour, 31, of Chicago, was found guilty last week of murdering Darnell Donerson, Jason Hudson and Julian King. They were the mother, brother and nephew of singer and actress Jennifer Hudson.
In my opinion, this case was a tragedy, but a preventable tragedy. Julia Hudson, Jennifer’s older sister, brought Balfour into the family when she married him. If she hadn’t married this man, it obviously wouldn’t have happened.
Jennifer Hudson was the first witness in the murder trial. She testified that the entire family was against Julia’s relationship with Balfour. “None of us wanted her to marry him. We did not like how he treated her,” she stated in court.
Julia secretly married William Balfour anyway in December 2006.
Who is William Balfour?
William Balfour is one of those people who was dealt a bad hand in life, and made it worse.
It seems that his family history includes sociopathy. His father was convicted of murder and sentenced to 30 years. His maternal grandmother went to prison for manslaughter. His mother was physically abusive to Balfour and his older brother.
Balfour himself had an extensive juvenile record, ran away from shelters and relatives’ homes, dropped out of school in ninth grade and joined a gang. At age 17, he stole a car with the owner clinging to the hood and crashed it into a telephone pole. He was convicted of attempted murder.
Read Hudson murder suspect led grim life before slayings, on RedEyeChicago.com.
Hook up
When William Balfour got out of prison in 2006, he hooked up with Julia Hudson, whom he knew from elementary school.
I can imagine how that seduction went:
“Julia, baby, you are so fine ”¦ if I was with a woman like you, I could turn my life around ”¦ you know I never had a chance ”¦ my dad was locked up as long as I can remember ”¦ my mom used to beat me and my brother ”¦ she actually gave us up, said she didn’t want us around any more ”¦ mothers are supposed to love you, but my mother never showed me any love ”¦ you’re a woman who knows how to love, I can just tell ”¦ yeah, I used to be wild, but I did my time, and now I’m ready for a new life ”¦ with you at my side, I’ll be a new man ”¦ I know I can do it ”¦ c’mon, baby, I really want to make something of myself ”¦ but I can’t do it without you ”¦ you know I love you, and you love me ”¦ there’s no reason for us to wait ”¦ “
I’m sure Balfour laid it on thick. He probably anticipated that if he hooked up with Julia Hudson, he’d be on the gravy train, because Julia’s sister was an actress ”¦ a movie star ”¦ a celebrity ”¦ and rich.
When Julia Hudson no longer wanted Balfour around, my guess is that not only was he outraged to lose control of her, but he was also outraged to lose the gravy train.
Reasons
Yes, William Balfour never had a chance in life. I recognize that he came from the mean streets of Chicago, as did Julia Hudson. She could have felt sorry for him. But she didn’t have to marry him.
Many Lovefraud readers have accepted as romantic partners people with serious life issues—including arrests, convictions, addictions and other problems. Why did they do it? Here are some of the reasons I’ve heard:
- Everyone deserves a second chance.
- I felt sorry for him (her).
- I believed I could change him (her).
- I just knew there was a good person inside him (her).
- I believe in the power of love.
- I’m a Christian, and I believe people can repent.
- He (she) needed me.
- He (she) just needed unconditional love.
Disqualifications for marriage
The purpose of marriage is a life partnership, in which both spouses support each other. Marriage is not social work. Therefore, if you are searching for a spouse, I recommend eliminating anyone with the following characteristics or history:
- Conviction for murder or attempted murder
- History of domestic violence
- Conviction for fraud, theft or property crimes
- Drug dealing or manufacturing
- No apparent income or means of financial support
- Pathological lying
- Failure to support children
- Controlling behavior
- Outbursts of rage
- Suffered abuse as a child, combined with any of the above.
Do not delude yourself into thinking that your relationship will be different, your love is special, you can change the person. Yes, sometimes people can turn themselves around. But do you want to bet your life on this person, and the lives of your family and friends?
UPDATE:
Newlywed, still in wedding dress, found stabbed to death in tub, on ChicagoTribune.com.
Dear Libelle,
“protect me from what I want” GREAT!!!!!
On the concept of shame I would like to know anyones thoughts about the taunt I received from my sociopathic ex.
She often referred to me as having committed “self sabotage”
within our relationship.
I was constantly ridiculed, put down and received many instances of subtle emotional abuse.
Why then was I committing an act of “self sabotage”!?!?!?!
And should I have ever accepted this as some form
of shame?!?
Please, if anyone could help me with the concept of “self sabotage” I would be most grateful.
Sebbo
Sebbo,
self-sabotage is what spaths do to themselves.
I would have to know more specifically to what she was referring, to really understand her meaning.
In the case of shame addiction self-sabotage is what somebody does so they can feel bad because making themselves feel bad gets them “high”. My spath loved to wallow in drama. I don’t think he felt much at all, but he sure tried. I always told him, “gosh spath, it’s like no matter how bad things get, you just have to make them worse.”
Remember drugs and alcohol are poisons so they do make you feel bad too, you just can’t feel it until the next day.
Shame is recursive, the more shame you feel, the more it feeds on itself and you feel even more shame.
Sebbo
“Self Sabotage” is when somebody deliberately exits a situation.
So in the case of your ex sociopath, she thought you had committed an act of self sabotage when you did not proceed with her plans for marriage.
She used the term “self sabotage” to make you look like an idiot. She tried to say that you were on a “good thing” and you “stymied” this situation by your ignorance, or what she may term as low self esteem.
Again, self sabotage is a term designed to make you feel at odds with your own confidence.
Whatever we do, we make deliberate decisions to either enter or exit a situation.
Her way of expressing dissapointment for your initial exit of the marriage was to put the BLAME on you (what a lot of sociopaths do always blame others).
So to cut it down into two sections
The term “self sabotage” was used to –
(1) Make you feel uneasy about your own direction
(2) To make you appear the fool for not meeting her expectations
A perfect example of self sabbotage is when a spath will tell a lie even though full well knowing the truth would better serve them. And they don’t just do it now and then, everything that comes out of their mouths is a lie.
They feed off of other peoples emotions.
It makes them feel powerful and in control when they can disrespect and demean another person.
They do things to purposely put them in hotter water than they already are and they don’t care. Oh heavens yes, spaths never do anything wrong. Just ask them. It is always someone elses fault for every rotten thing that has ever happened in their whole lifetime.
Hang in there Sebbo. Look at the experience from a different perspective and you will be okay. It’s not easy trying to figure this all out…I know; I have been trying for ten years now and the best solution I have found, so far, is just forgetting it ever happened. Moving forward.
I wish you all the best ~ Dupey
Back_from_the_edge
Thanks again pal.
But its hard to forget.
I know what your saying….
but when you share intimate moments
it makes it so real … even though you
know its illusion at the end of the day.
I feel gutted.
But THANK YOU for your wise words of support.
Love
Sebbo
Sebbo,
I am still in the process of healing from the same thing. Rather than telling me I was self sabbotaging, my ex Spath girlfriend would tell me how I just needed to trust her, after I figured out that she was off telling lies about me to our mutual friends. Then she would tell me how it was everyone else lying and not her.
Now that I have realized that she is Spath, I am slowly empowering myself once again, realizing that my inner voice was correct. It is amazing how these people have the ability to break down our self confidence and try to make us question our ideals. When her and I first met, we agreed on everything, or so it appeared….Once the mask slipped, it became more apparent what she was truly about…HERSELF!
Just because we have been intimate with someone, does not give them the authority to try to break us down and criticize us, regardless of how slowly and cunningly they do this.
When I first realized a few weeks ago, which was also a few weeks after we broke up, that she was Spath, I was in a very dark place. She is pregnant, so there is a very real possibility that I will have to deal with this monster for 18 more years. That dark place has begun to have a few rays of light due to research and this website and its members. So do not give up hope, and sooner or later, you need to let go of those demoralizing things that she has said to you, they will do you no good. They came from a deranged person.
~Love and Light~
Smart_yet_deceived
Thanks for your insightful comment.
You seem to be in the same boat as me.
Can I swap the child for the restraining order?!? lol
…. I have a restraining order threatened on me
all because I wanted closure.
This spath woman did not give me ONE INCH.
Yet … when I argued with her she wanted me
to explain in DETAIL the REASONS why I wanted
to downscale the relationship.
There never seems to be any “middle ground” with spaths.
They just go from target to target with an “all or nothing” approach.
ANd again cause untold havoc and destruction for their unsuspecting victims.
I am a victim.
You are a victim.
We have something in common.
We both now know what sociopath means.
Gives me a sense of comfort but at the
same time I am full of RAGE for the way
I have been mistreated by her.
I cant believe I got myself in this mess !
There is no way out !
I get a restraining order if I dare retaliate !
Sebbo,
I know exactly how you feel! One thing that I have realized from this article alone, is that I have always been a sucker for a damsel in distress. When hearing that a woman was abused as a child or a teenager, I always thought “oh, this person just needs true love and it will heal all those wounds”. Well now that I realize that this was my second relationship with a sociopath in under 6 years…I am re-evaluating my thoughts on this!
Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in the power of the Lord to work miracles, but it’s becoming clear to me that many of these “damsels in distress” are there for a reason. Not that they deserved what happened to them, but that they have not healed for a reason, and that reason is to use people.
Although I feel the same rage for being played for a fool more than once, I am realizing how I made myself a target for sociopaths in general by wanting to fix other people. Now I know that I need to protect myself first, and only the people that want to be fixed can be helped.
Being a victim sucks, but it is in your power to turn this around, make the lesson learned a positive experience in your life. This is not the end of life, as dark as it may seem right now.
I would gladly trade the pregnancy for a restraining order, because all I want is to not have to deal with this monster ever again. We will see how the paternity test goes in August….
Keep learning and keep growing, don’t let the venom and toxin reside in you too long.
~Love and Light~
Sebbo, I haven’t been able to go back over the blog threads and read everything that’s been posted since yesterday, but I want to offer you this as a bit of hope: take the THREAT of the restraining order, be grateful, and run like your ass was on fire.
In my situation, a TRO was granted to the exspath. No need to discuss the legalities of this, but suffice it to say that had no TRO been granted, I would have embarked upon a SELF-IMPOSED restraining order.
NO CONTACT is the first step towards extricating ourselves from the sociopathic entanglement – it is the only (and, I mean this) known technique that breaks that bond. As long as there is still a line of communication open with a sociopath – ANY sociopath – the spath has their source target still on the hook and dangling. We can cry. We can plead. We can beg. We can attempt to discuss. We can threaten. We can promise. We can do many, many things through contact with a sociopath that will ony result in the same outcome: damage to ourselves and entertainment for them.
For each “victim” of sociopathy, there comes a point and time when they make the conscious choice to STOP being “a victim” and START being a “survivor.” That tiny, shaky baby step towards “emergence” into what we are meant to learn from our experiences comes ONLY from No Contact. We sever the line of communication so that the sociopath cannot use that simple and effective tool against us.
Sebbo, you do not have a restraining order granted against you. You have only been threatened with one. Take it as a godsend and allow yourself to feel the gratitude that you have a CHOICE to pull yourself free of the chains that bind you an organism that never cared from the beginning. Remind yourself that you are, indeed, a valuable and precious part of this greater Universe and that there is nobody else in this Universe who can replace you. You do not deserve to drown in a sociopathic cesspool – NOBODY with empathy does!
Today is another day further from the source of so much damage. I thank Whomever Is In Charge that I am where I am, this morning. No, my life isn’t good right now by any stretch of the imagination. But, I’m not trapped in the living hell of Deceit, anymore. I can focus on myself, now, instead of walking on those eggshells that the exspath kept dropping in my path. Sebbo, today is another day for you, too. Another day for you to do some self-examination and reclaim your own self-worth.
There is nothing in this Life that is easy – “easy” is for takers and users. But, the struggle is worth it as far as I can see. I want to be something better. I CAN be something better. And, our experiences have thrown that door wide open for us to pass through and learn about things that we missed, buried, or ignored about ourselves.
Brightest comforting blessings to you, and to everyone.