William Balfour, 31, of Chicago, was found guilty last week of murdering Darnell Donerson, Jason Hudson and Julian King. They were the mother, brother and nephew of singer and actress Jennifer Hudson.
In my opinion, this case was a tragedy, but a preventable tragedy. Julia Hudson, Jennifer’s older sister, brought Balfour into the family when she married him. If she hadn’t married this man, it obviously wouldn’t have happened.
Jennifer Hudson was the first witness in the murder trial. She testified that the entire family was against Julia’s relationship with Balfour. “None of us wanted her to marry him. We did not like how he treated her,” she stated in court.
Julia secretly married William Balfour anyway in December 2006.
Who is William Balfour?
William Balfour is one of those people who was dealt a bad hand in life, and made it worse.
It seems that his family history includes sociopathy. His father was convicted of murder and sentenced to 30 years. His maternal grandmother went to prison for manslaughter. His mother was physically abusive to Balfour and his older brother.
Balfour himself had an extensive juvenile record, ran away from shelters and relatives’ homes, dropped out of school in ninth grade and joined a gang. At age 17, he stole a car with the owner clinging to the hood and crashed it into a telephone pole. He was convicted of attempted murder.
Read Hudson murder suspect led grim life before slayings, on RedEyeChicago.com.
Hook up
When William Balfour got out of prison in 2006, he hooked up with Julia Hudson, whom he knew from elementary school.
I can imagine how that seduction went:
“Julia, baby, you are so fine ”¦ if I was with a woman like you, I could turn my life around ”¦ you know I never had a chance ”¦ my dad was locked up as long as I can remember ”¦ my mom used to beat me and my brother ”¦ she actually gave us up, said she didn’t want us around any more ”¦ mothers are supposed to love you, but my mother never showed me any love ”¦ you’re a woman who knows how to love, I can just tell ”¦ yeah, I used to be wild, but I did my time, and now I’m ready for a new life ”¦ with you at my side, I’ll be a new man ”¦ I know I can do it ”¦ c’mon, baby, I really want to make something of myself ”¦ but I can’t do it without you ”¦ you know I love you, and you love me ”¦ there’s no reason for us to wait ”¦ “
I’m sure Balfour laid it on thick. He probably anticipated that if he hooked up with Julia Hudson, he’d be on the gravy train, because Julia’s sister was an actress ”¦ a movie star ”¦ a celebrity ”¦ and rich.
When Julia Hudson no longer wanted Balfour around, my guess is that not only was he outraged to lose control of her, but he was also outraged to lose the gravy train.
Reasons
Yes, William Balfour never had a chance in life. I recognize that he came from the mean streets of Chicago, as did Julia Hudson. She could have felt sorry for him. But she didn’t have to marry him.
Many Lovefraud readers have accepted as romantic partners people with serious life issues—including arrests, convictions, addictions and other problems. Why did they do it? Here are some of the reasons I’ve heard:
- Everyone deserves a second chance.
- I felt sorry for him (her).
- I believed I could change him (her).
- I just knew there was a good person inside him (her).
- I believe in the power of love.
- I’m a Christian, and I believe people can repent.
- He (she) needed me.
- He (she) just needed unconditional love.
Disqualifications for marriage
The purpose of marriage is a life partnership, in which both spouses support each other. Marriage is not social work. Therefore, if you are searching for a spouse, I recommend eliminating anyone with the following characteristics or history:
- Conviction for murder or attempted murder
- History of domestic violence
- Conviction for fraud, theft or property crimes
- Drug dealing or manufacturing
- No apparent income or means of financial support
- Pathological lying
- Failure to support children
- Controlling behavior
- Outbursts of rage
- Suffered abuse as a child, combined with any of the above.
Do not delude yourself into thinking that your relationship will be different, your love is special, you can change the person. Yes, sometimes people can turn themselves around. But do you want to bet your life on this person, and the lives of your family and friends?
UPDATE:
Newlywed, still in wedding dress, found stabbed to death in tub, on ChicagoTribune.com.
Kathy0707,
Witsend and I just said that. The terms are not interchangeable.
“There are a lot of similarities, which is why I think Al-Anon would be helpful for many people with Ps in their lives, but again, Al-Anon is limited to alcoholism. It does not address psychopathy. Neither does AA.”
If you were familiar with Oxy’s postings elsewhere, she doesn’t know a lot about the AA or Al-Anon programs.
We’re all learning here. There is a lot of crossover with behaviors applying to many areas. One or even a number of behaviors does not mean two things are identical. They can certainly have the same behaviors present.
AA and other programs like it say that it is a spiritual disease because AA and other programs like it are spiritual programs.
It sort of like walking in McDonald’s and being upset, because one is a vegetarian, that McDonald’s is serving meat. A spiritual program is going to provide a spiritual bent.
If somebody disagrees with that or is uncomfortable with the spiritual concepts of a 12-Step organization, nobody is forcing them to attend.
I know of no studies that have ever done, let alone proven, that 12-Step programs are the reason more science isn’t being used to study addictions.
Nicotine is an addiction. Who ever said that it isn’t? There are organizations that pattern themselves after AA to stop nicotine addiction.
I agree with you G1S on your McDonald’s analogy. However, I also maintain that if it were NOT for programs like AA (and truthfully, AA is still really the only game in town – the courts send one there, a Dr. sends one there, etc), other programs could take off that do not demonize someone for having an addiction.
As to not forcing someone to attend AA, just where is someone supposed to go for support if AA is the only thing available?
In many cities now, thankfully, those with addiction issues (and these may be actual substance issues or behavioral issues) can find groups like SMART and LifeRing. Still, we are a long ways off from groups like this even making a dent in terms of providing support.
As a result of my experience in AA, I will agree with you about the control thing. I also think at least half of those who attend these meetings have underlying DSM IV Dx’s that go untreated. I met a guy online who was and is an SPath. He just also happened to be a member of AA.
I’d also like to add that I don’t think one can put a timeline on certain things. As to not marrying someone who has dealt with an addiction, there are those who may be more mentally healthy at one year of abstention that those who haven’t picked up “whatever” for 20 years. I’ve seen enough people in AA and other programs to know this is the truth. In fact, the healthy ones will typically use AA for a period of time and then just move on with their lives.
Oh, and to address your comments about not knowing of any studies that indicate that the presence of AA rules and prevents (or slows down) the growth of other groups? I know of no studies either. I just know that in my 35 years of “knowing” what is out there and “knowing” where the the courts send people along with Drs, therapist, and shrinks, the suggestion has never been made to seek out one of these alternative groups – with the exception of the SF Bay Area – where now Kaiser will offer one the choice to either attend AA or LifeRing.
Oxy,
Basically that about describes a dry drunk.
A person who is no longer drinking but still has all the same issues. (not addressing the underlying problem)
There are SO many “characters” at AA meetings it is unbelievable. Control freaks, personality disordered, court ordered people that DON’T want to be there but need a signature for the judge, the brain dead, dry drunks, well the list I am sure could be added to….
But there are also many wonderful recovering people sharing their experience, strength, and hope.
I started going to the morning “open” AA meetings in my area because I found these meeting to have somewhat less of the “riff raff” than the night open AA meetings.
I would venture to say that a P going to AA wouldn’t ever actually attain “sobriety” because they wouldn’t work the program. So a “sober” P (who wasn’t drinking anymore) wouldn’t look any different than a drinking P.
So dry drunk would fit!
Your LP friend sounds like she “missed a whole lot” when she attended those AA meetings…Lol sounds to me like she needed to attend Al Anon meetings as well. (enabler)
With regard to support groups and spaths, I have been involved with 12-Step programs for about 35 years. I’ve seen them all. The seriously-minded members who intended to get a grasp on their addictions, and the dyed-in-the-wool sociopaths who used meetings as their perfect trolling grounds, and everything in between.
I don’t think that “science” will ever be able to move hand-in-hand with ANY support groups simply because the meetings that I attended were based upon personal responsibility and accountability, RATHER than medication and surgery. That’s not to say that I didn’t meet a great number of people who were taking medications, but the greater majority of members wanted to manage their addictions, themselves.
I believe that the people who kept “slipping” had many other issues aside from their addictions, and I’m not talking about the people who made an error in judgment and fell off of the proverbial wagon. I’m talking about the scant few who routinely would “slip” and go on benders and return crying about how “it just happened” – most of those people didn’t even meet the criteria of being “addicted.” A former family member actually talked herself into believing that she was alcoholic out of a desperate need to be validated – AA members were recognized and celebrated their milestones, and she hated Alanon because she didn’t receive the attention that she felt she was due. In hindsight, she fits the profile of a malignant narcissist, at the very least, and actually wrote me a note about 3 years ago to say that she was sorry that she had been “unkind” to me during my childhood. Maybe, she’s trying to atone for something, but “unkind” would hardly have been the word I would have used to describe the things that she did to me when I was most vulnerable.
Having said that, whatever works for someone that DOES NOT cause harm to themselves or others is fine by me. If it’s a spiritual program that has someone speaking ancient Hebrew to a sweet potato carved in the form of Edward G. Robinson, I don’t care as long as it gets that person through the day and on their paths of healing and recovery.
What I love about the “programs” is that they talk about accountability and responsibility. A lot of the people who “fit the profile” would switch their “home groups” whenever their masks began to slip.
And……when we look at this in a “big picture” type of frame, this site could be considered such a program, though there aren’t recognized “Steps,” per se. But, if there were….
Step 1: We admitted that we had involved ourselves with a sociopath and that our lives had become a living hell.
Step 2: Made the decision to sever our toxic relationship.
Step 3: Admitted to someone who “gets it” that we had been in a dire situation and needed help.
Step 4: Recognized that we are a part of a Greater Universe.
Step 5: Agreed to maintain NO CONTACT for the remainder of our lives
Step 6: Made amends to all people that we had harmed, directly or indirectly, as a result of our sociopathic entanglements whenever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.
Step 7: Recognized our frailties, vulnerabilities, and boundary failures and made efforts to repair and forgive ourselves for our mistakes.
Step 8: Engaged in open, frank, and truthful discussions about our experiences and how we were affected, and how our issues affected others.
Step 9: Made every human effort to educate ourselves and others about the healing processes of sociopathic entanglements/
Step 10: Allowed ourselves to experience the grieving process in a healthy, productive way.
Step 11: Remained accountable for our own actions and decisions.
Step 12: Continued to maintain our boundaries, NO CONTACT, and support and encouragement for ourselves, and for others.
So…………..there………….. 😉
Truthspeak – Love the 12 steps!
And, I’d like to say this for myself: there are MANY topics of discussion that come up that I find uncomfortable. I really, REALLY need to be aware of what my triggers are so that I don’t go batshit if someone mentions sexual intimacy.
Fantastic post, Donna! Thank you so much.
I see 2 very important issues you address here:
1. We minimize the Red Flags that appear. Why do we minimize the Red Flags? Because we rationalize them. Why do we rationalize the red flags? Because (imo) we were raised in an atmosphere of gas lighting and brain washing/mind control and were conditioned not to trust our gut.
2. “Marriage is not social work.” This is huge: We should not feel/believe we can “fix” our significant other.
Interesting discussion about dry drunks & P characteristics of alcoholics. I know very little about AA, but I have read a good amount of literature regarding “Adult Children” and one reoccurring theme is that the “Adult Children” theory evolved because therapists noticed that “Adult Children” had almost identical issues to those of the children of alcoholics. So, it was as if “Adult Children” were raised in alcoholic families, sans the alcohol. Thus, I agree with Oxy in that alcoholics and Ps share many of the same characteristics.
Imo, it all gets down to addiction: Whereas the alcoholic is addicted to alcohol, the dysfunctional person/P or N is addicted to some other destructive behavior. So, to me, it’s tomato/tomatoe.
One thing I have learned here at Love Fraud is that whatever drives the dysfunctional person (be they alcoholic, drug addict, P or N, etc) is almost irrelevant because what ever their demons, they are DESTRUCTIVE and we should avoid them at all costs. I myself had a conundrum as to whether someone was a P or an N and many posters here helped me see that the label is irrelevant: Whatever they are and however I label them is irrelevant because, bottom line: They are TOXIC.
We didn’t cause their problems, we can’t fix them and so, we should leave them to Gd & get them OUT of our lives.
I think a lot of AAs would benefit from Al-Anon because
1.) they go around taking care of others (keeping them sober) which perpetuates their control issues and is sometimes used not to address their own behaviors & issues
2.) many of them came from alcoholic homes and needed Al-Anon/Alateen long before they needed AA, and
3.) focusing on one’s drinking can be used as an excuse not to focus on oneself.
Al-Anon is the only 12-Step program that doesn’t have a secondary focus, meaning the only thing that it deals with is me, myself, and I. No booze, spending, drugs, sex, nicotine, spending, or what have you. It’s all about what do I know about me and what am I doing about it?
Loved your 12 Steps, Truthy, and this:
“Having said that, whatever works for someone that DOES NOT cause harm to themselves or others is fine by me. If it’s a spiritual program that has someone speaking ancient Hebrew to a sweet potato carved in the form of Edward G. Robinson, I don’t care as long as it gets that person through the day and on their paths of healing and recovery.”
AA is not the only game in town. There are a lot of rehabs and other programs offered by mental health facilities to help addicts.
Funny, true story – about a year and a half ago, a medical clinic in my town that touted that it could help people with addictions WITHOUT needing a 12-Step program found its head MD (guy who ran this program) driving through the front glass window of a liquor store one night, drunk, because he thought it was open and he needed another drink.
I was amused, anyway.
Great post, Truthspeak.
Hope I didn’t trigger or offend anyone with my post. If I did, I apologize. I just wanted to raise the issue of alcoholic families and “Adult Children” and how that connects to Ps & Ns.