William Balfour, 31, of Chicago, was found guilty last week of murdering Darnell Donerson, Jason Hudson and Julian King. They were the mother, brother and nephew of singer and actress Jennifer Hudson.
In my opinion, this case was a tragedy, but a preventable tragedy. Julia Hudson, Jennifer’s older sister, brought Balfour into the family when she married him. If she hadn’t married this man, it obviously wouldn’t have happened.
Jennifer Hudson was the first witness in the murder trial. She testified that the entire family was against Julia’s relationship with Balfour. “None of us wanted her to marry him. We did not like how he treated her,” she stated in court.
Julia secretly married William Balfour anyway in December 2006.
Who is William Balfour?
William Balfour is one of those people who was dealt a bad hand in life, and made it worse.
It seems that his family history includes sociopathy. His father was convicted of murder and sentenced to 30 years. His maternal grandmother went to prison for manslaughter. His mother was physically abusive to Balfour and his older brother.
Balfour himself had an extensive juvenile record, ran away from shelters and relatives’ homes, dropped out of school in ninth grade and joined a gang. At age 17, he stole a car with the owner clinging to the hood and crashed it into a telephone pole. He was convicted of attempted murder.
Read Hudson murder suspect led grim life before slayings, on RedEyeChicago.com.
Hook up
When William Balfour got out of prison in 2006, he hooked up with Julia Hudson, whom he knew from elementary school.
I can imagine how that seduction went:
“Julia, baby, you are so fine ”¦ if I was with a woman like you, I could turn my life around ”¦ you know I never had a chance ”¦ my dad was locked up as long as I can remember ”¦ my mom used to beat me and my brother ”¦ she actually gave us up, said she didn’t want us around any more ”¦ mothers are supposed to love you, but my mother never showed me any love ”¦ you’re a woman who knows how to love, I can just tell ”¦ yeah, I used to be wild, but I did my time, and now I’m ready for a new life ”¦ with you at my side, I’ll be a new man ”¦ I know I can do it ”¦ c’mon, baby, I really want to make something of myself ”¦ but I can’t do it without you ”¦ you know I love you, and you love me ”¦ there’s no reason for us to wait ”¦ “
I’m sure Balfour laid it on thick. He probably anticipated that if he hooked up with Julia Hudson, he’d be on the gravy train, because Julia’s sister was an actress ”¦ a movie star ”¦ a celebrity ”¦ and rich.
When Julia Hudson no longer wanted Balfour around, my guess is that not only was he outraged to lose control of her, but he was also outraged to lose the gravy train.
Reasons
Yes, William Balfour never had a chance in life. I recognize that he came from the mean streets of Chicago, as did Julia Hudson. She could have felt sorry for him. But she didn’t have to marry him.
Many Lovefraud readers have accepted as romantic partners people with serious life issues—including arrests, convictions, addictions and other problems. Why did they do it? Here are some of the reasons I’ve heard:
- Everyone deserves a second chance.
- I felt sorry for him (her).
- I believed I could change him (her).
- I just knew there was a good person inside him (her).
- I believe in the power of love.
- I’m a Christian, and I believe people can repent.
- He (she) needed me.
- He (she) just needed unconditional love.
Disqualifications for marriage
The purpose of marriage is a life partnership, in which both spouses support each other. Marriage is not social work. Therefore, if you are searching for a spouse, I recommend eliminating anyone with the following characteristics or history:
- Conviction for murder or attempted murder
- History of domestic violence
- Conviction for fraud, theft or property crimes
- Drug dealing or manufacturing
- No apparent income or means of financial support
- Pathological lying
- Failure to support children
- Controlling behavior
- Outbursts of rage
- Suffered abuse as a child, combined with any of the above.
Do not delude yourself into thinking that your relationship will be different, your love is special, you can change the person. Yes, sometimes people can turn themselves around. But do you want to bet your life on this person, and the lives of your family and friends?
UPDATE:
Newlywed, still in wedding dress, found stabbed to death in tub, on ChicagoTribune.com.
Oxy, I’m not sure what you mean by a FAKE AA member.
What do you mean?
G1S, a “Fake ___ member” (fill in the blank) is someone who to me goes to AA meetings, or Al anon, or Church and pretends to believe the things the group believes in but does NOT PRACTICE what they preach.
A FAKE AA member would be someone who attended the meetings, pretended to stay sober and drank secretly, or didn’t “work the 12 steps” though they pretended they did.
A FAKE Christian is like the preacher Dickie chance that got arrested for sending porno to a 14 year old child, who wasn’t a child but was a DEPUTY SHERIFF! He preached against such things but did them himself.
Or any number of other “ministers” (FAKE CHRISTIANS) who caught caught with their drawers around their ankles or their hands in the tils.
We wouldn’t necessarily regard somebody like that as a fake.
What we say is, “Bring the body, the mind will follow-eventually.”
We have a lot of patience with our members. Some come in very hurt and resentful (especially in Al-Anon.) They don’t want to be there. They are there as a last resort and they’ll be you-know-what so you’d better watch what you say or they’ll hand you your head or something.
That’s OK. That’s fine.
They do not need to share. All they need to do is sit there and listen. It would be helpful if they read the literature and asked questions, but one day at a time. When they feel more open to it, we’ll be happy to explain more.
We suggest that they try 6-8 meetings. If they find that Al-Anon isn’t for them, well best of luck with whatever they find does work.
To each his own. Al-Anon (and AA) isn’t for everybody.
We promise to cheerfully refund their misery.
What you’re talking about are people that we label as “talking the talk, not walking the walk.” They are the phonies. We recognize them because their actions don’t match their words.
We’re very much into actions speaking louder than words.
They can say whatever they want or quote whomever, but you can’t fake real recovery.
Real recovery shows.
Good discussion on the similarities/differences between addictions and psychopathy. I am on who thinks that the twelve steps are a god-send and so easily accessable to anyone…they can be used in any situation, and for any problem or concern. Of course, one must be willing to introspect, and that is NOT easy, especially for people who present with trauma issues and who have been victimized. At first we rail against any suggestion that we should turn our attention away from the other and turn it onto ourselves. After all, WE ARE THE VICTIMS here, are we not?
12 step programs have a way of ridding us of our victim mentality, which really empowers us, in an ironic sort of way. We are forced to see ouselves and the futility of our ways. We acknowlede our stuuborness in the face of our failures, why do we not let go? Why do we keep doing THAT? Why do we insist that THAT must work? Many of us tried to hold onto our old ideas, but the result was nill, until we let go absolutely.”
I drew a ccomic strip once of a guy holding onto the root of a tree as it jutted out of the rocky soil a foot or two below the top of a cliff. The tree had a sign nailed to it that said, “old ideas”.
It’s preatty damn scarey to let go of your life-line…So the group becomes your new life-line, and relying on “infinate God, rather than our Finite selves, becomes our solution. We replace our fears with faith in a power greater than ourselves…and, I might add, that power is not a sweet potatoe, but, if you want YOUR higher power to be a sweet potato, I guess that’s okay too. LOL
I’d like to open a discussion about trauma bonding/addictive relationships/co-dependancy and how the 12 steps might be a viable solution to the problem. Anyone?
Truthspeak, I loved your 12 steps. I think by the time we get here, we recognize our unmanagability, and powelessness, but, I think we are still caught up in the “insanity” of our trauma bonds. We are still oporating under what Freud called. “the compullsion to repeat”. This is the cycle of endlessly entering into a pattern of behavior that never ends well, but we, believe, that “this time it will be different”. This is really nothing more than a misguided attempt to get closure over an original trauma…a desire to make it turn out right this time. However, it is always self destructive. This self destructive quality is what lends it it’s aura of insanity, and the compullsion is what lends it it’s aura of addiction. We keep doing the d
same thing over and over again, expecting different results. The second step says,” We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God.” All we did was make a decision. Faith in a way out, that we can’t find for ourselves. So simple. That’s the second step.
Speaking about ‘Do not marry a murderer’:
“Newlywed, still in wedding dress, found stabbed to death in tub”
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking/chi-woman-found-dead-in-burbank-apartment-20120514,0,2937331.story
Kim,
I think trauma bonding/addictive relationships/co-dependancy are all related in a ’cause & effect’ manner, but I don’t know enough about the 12 steps.
Maybe you want to start the discussion?
You know what, I screwed up. The second step says, “we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves would restore us to sanity.” It is step three that says, “we made a dicision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.” Sorry, guys. But, these two steps go together, and one follows on the foot of the other.
Clair, I’m trying. But, it’s late. I’m tired. I think I’ll sleep on it. Have a good night.
Thank you for writing this article Donna. I really appreciate the list, I found three that my ex had before we started dating (that I knew about before getting involved) and I uncovered three more in the end.
I truly thought that these issues would be minor given the strength of our love. Little did I know at the time that the strength of our love was merely a show, or an act, for her. A means to an end is all our relationship was to her, I know that now.
I am grateful for this list because it shows a few traits that I have always been a sucker for. I always thought that certain wounds could be nurtured and healed by true love, but it is becoming apparent to me that people with those wounds do not want healing, only to get what they can for themselves.
I have been very concerned that I would find myself in another relationship with a sociopath. After reading this list, and the other research I have done on sociopathy, I am feeling more confident that I can avoid this nightmare in the future. Thank you for creating this site and to all the wonderful members.