William Balfour, 31, of Chicago, was found guilty last week of murdering Darnell Donerson, Jason Hudson and Julian King. They were the mother, brother and nephew of singer and actress Jennifer Hudson.
In my opinion, this case was a tragedy, but a preventable tragedy. Julia Hudson, Jennifer’s older sister, brought Balfour into the family when she married him. If she hadn’t married this man, it obviously wouldn’t have happened.
Jennifer Hudson was the first witness in the murder trial. She testified that the entire family was against Julia’s relationship with Balfour. “None of us wanted her to marry him. We did not like how he treated her,” she stated in court.
Julia secretly married William Balfour anyway in December 2006.
Who is William Balfour?
William Balfour is one of those people who was dealt a bad hand in life, and made it worse.
It seems that his family history includes sociopathy. His father was convicted of murder and sentenced to 30 years. His maternal grandmother went to prison for manslaughter. His mother was physically abusive to Balfour and his older brother.
Balfour himself had an extensive juvenile record, ran away from shelters and relatives’ homes, dropped out of school in ninth grade and joined a gang. At age 17, he stole a car with the owner clinging to the hood and crashed it into a telephone pole. He was convicted of attempted murder.
Read Hudson murder suspect led grim life before slayings, on RedEyeChicago.com.
Hook up
When William Balfour got out of prison in 2006, he hooked up with Julia Hudson, whom he knew from elementary school.
I can imagine how that seduction went:
“Julia, baby, you are so fine ”¦ if I was with a woman like you, I could turn my life around ”¦ you know I never had a chance ”¦ my dad was locked up as long as I can remember ”¦ my mom used to beat me and my brother ”¦ she actually gave us up, said she didn’t want us around any more ”¦ mothers are supposed to love you, but my mother never showed me any love ”¦ you’re a woman who knows how to love, I can just tell ”¦ yeah, I used to be wild, but I did my time, and now I’m ready for a new life ”¦ with you at my side, I’ll be a new man ”¦ I know I can do it ”¦ c’mon, baby, I really want to make something of myself ”¦ but I can’t do it without you ”¦ you know I love you, and you love me ”¦ there’s no reason for us to wait ”¦ “
I’m sure Balfour laid it on thick. He probably anticipated that if he hooked up with Julia Hudson, he’d be on the gravy train, because Julia’s sister was an actress ”¦ a movie star ”¦ a celebrity ”¦ and rich.
When Julia Hudson no longer wanted Balfour around, my guess is that not only was he outraged to lose control of her, but he was also outraged to lose the gravy train.
Reasons
Yes, William Balfour never had a chance in life. I recognize that he came from the mean streets of Chicago, as did Julia Hudson. She could have felt sorry for him. But she didn’t have to marry him.
Many Lovefraud readers have accepted as romantic partners people with serious life issues—including arrests, convictions, addictions and other problems. Why did they do it? Here are some of the reasons I’ve heard:
- Everyone deserves a second chance.
- I felt sorry for him (her).
- I believed I could change him (her).
- I just knew there was a good person inside him (her).
- I believe in the power of love.
- I’m a Christian, and I believe people can repent.
- He (she) needed me.
- He (she) just needed unconditional love.
Disqualifications for marriage
The purpose of marriage is a life partnership, in which both spouses support each other. Marriage is not social work. Therefore, if you are searching for a spouse, I recommend eliminating anyone with the following characteristics or history:
- Conviction for murder or attempted murder
- History of domestic violence
- Conviction for fraud, theft or property crimes
- Drug dealing or manufacturing
- No apparent income or means of financial support
- Pathological lying
- Failure to support children
- Controlling behavior
- Outbursts of rage
- Suffered abuse as a child, combined with any of the above.
Do not delude yourself into thinking that your relationship will be different, your love is special, you can change the person. Yes, sometimes people can turn themselves around. But do you want to bet your life on this person, and the lives of your family and friends?
UPDATE:
Newlywed, still in wedding dress, found stabbed to death in tub, on ChicagoTribune.com.
Understood, Hollyberry. My 2 exspaths add up to the same length of time. A long time to remain a victim.
So, what’s your plan?
Brightest blessings
I disagree that there aren’t “fake” support group members. Like I said, I’ve been in and out of support programs for many years, and I’ve seen plenty that used meetings a a trolling ground for human beings that were extremely vulnerable.
The general concensus is that you simply don’t “date” co-members. Well…..let a smooth spath into ANY situation, and they’ll trample the rules and doctrines and then blame their victims.
As for the 12-Steps that I wrote, they were all on a whim. I gave NO thought as to the order of the actual 12-Steps (it’s been a good while) or whether or not they go hand-in-hand. It was entirely spur-of-the-moment. So I apologize if they didn’t follow the actual 12 Steps of the better recognized support programs.
Brightest blessings!
Hollyberry, the best call I ever made was to the domestic abuse hotline.
If you choose, here’s the site: http://www.ndvh.org
I understand the hesitancy – oh, I really do. I also know from personal experience that every day I remained with the abusive exspath was another day that I was being damaged. “Walking on eggshells.” It results in what is misnamed, “Stockholm Syndrome.” This is a real psychological condition that develops as a mechanism of emotional/physical survival.
What I learned about Stockholm Syndrome is that, in my case specifically, a day without a beating was a day of “kindness.” I had to percieve his lack of delivering a beating as an act of kindness on his part.
What finally made the decision easier for me to make was witnessing what the constant abuse had done to my children. Okay – I’m an adult and I had options, but my children did not have options, advocacy, or choices. I made the choice to leave and I didn’t wait around for the stars to align and pieces to fall into place. I realized that I had to MAKE it happen for myself – nobody was going to get me out. Events weren’t going to magically unfold so that I was going to get out, intact. I had to make the choice and take the steps, myself, whether I had a good job or not. Everything else would have to fall into place – or not – but, I wasn’t spending another day walking on my own eggshells and ducking another beating.
Hollyberry, abuse is abuse, whether it’s physical or emotiona, and you already know that. So….HUGS to you.
How did you find the psychiatrist, and why are you seeing a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist or LCSW? Is there an organic condition that requires psychiatric attention?
Yes….caution with regard to the exit strategy is an imperative. http://www.ndvh.org has priceless information on exit strategies, as well as locations of shelters in every State.
Best wishes to you, Hollyberry – and, most sincere protective blessings to you.
Hollyberry, unless you’ve used your given name or his, don’t delete your posts.
Perhaps, you didn’t allow “enough” time for the counseling to develop quality. Perhaps, it just wasn’t a “good fit” for counseling.
The “right” way to exit would probably be to consult with EXPERTS on the matter – people who have arranged hundreds of safe, secure, and successful exit strategies for thousands of men, women, and children. http://www.ndvh.org
Hugs
OMG Claire – what a terrible story. I added the link to the main article.
Hollyberry – what you are describing is classic sociopathic manipulation. Put downs, Jekyll and Hyde – classic, classic.
If you’re feeling depressed, this is a totally normal reaction to the abuse that you’ve been enduring. Your objective with the therapist should be to help you find the strength to get out – not to help you cope with your marriage.
And yes, be careful. The most dangerous time with a sociopath is when you leave – they do not want to lose control and may lash out.
The best thing is not to marry a murdered. But, if you do and they did not disclose being a felon, it is grounds for annulment.
There are two ways to get annulment. The other is that they are already married.
Something to keep in mind.
Full disclosure is not a habit of the disordered….
Hollyberry,
Make SOLID plans to get away….or to get him evicted from your home if you can keep it without him. See an attorney and find out what your options are. Save money, even a dollar here instead of buying a soda, get copies of or the originials of all your important papers, birth certificates for yourself and any kids, school records for kids, shot records for kids, car title, resume for yourself, utility bills, car payment, mortgage payment etc. and make a list of what items you will need to take. If you are going to go to a shelter or some other place, rent a small storage unit, rent a PO box at one of those mail box things,
Plan your escape like you were planning a war.
You can do it, you can break free. Good luck and God bless.
RE the article, it never ceases to amaze me that anyone could be *attracted* to a person who has those traits/the history of behaviors listed in the article.
I know psychopaths/sociopaths can be highly deceptive (most are pathological liars) and can appear to be charming and wonderful, but someone who is *aggressively* charming in a high-pressure sort of way, who seems too good to be true… well, that is a big red waving flag of a warning sign in and of itself. Seems to me that we non-pd individuals who are lonely and emotionally needy ourselves wind up being the targets of spaths and the victims of spaths.
If one is not feeling emotionally starved, not feeling a deficit of self-esteem, then the “love” and “admiration” that the spath is offering as bait won’t seem so irresistibly delicious. So, its our job to keep ourselves “well fed” emotionally so we aren’t tempted to bite at the rotten, poisoned bait the spath is offering us.
Also: here is a link to a website listing a LOT of different grounds for an annulment of marriage to be granted:
http://www.divorce-lawyer-source.com/html/law/annulment-grounds.html