By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
How we define words and concepts helps us to see human behavior in a realistic way. When people make bad choices, and do bad things, things they know are wrong, they ARE still CHOICES, not accidents or mistakes, even though the consequences were unforeseen when they are caught and punished.
I’ve frequently heard people refer to what I consider to be deliberate and knowing “choices” as “mistakes.” In the sentence, “he made a mistake and robbed a liquor store,” my inclination is to scream, “NO, he did NOT make a ”˜mistake,’ he made a deliberate choice to rob a liquor store.” The mistake was he didn’t figure he would get caught, and he was wrong. He got caught and went to prison. The mistake, if any, was in thinking he would not get caught.
Wikipedia defines mistake: “A mistake is an error caused by a fault: the fault being misjudgment, carelessness, or forgetfulness. Now, say that I run a stop sign because I was in a hurry, and wasn’t concentrating, that is a mistake.”
Wikipeida also defines choice: “Choice consists of the mental process of judging the merits of multiple options and selecting one of them. While a choice can be made between imagined options (“what would I do if …?”), often a choice is made between real options, and followed by the corresponding action.”
Every living human starts making choices the moment we awaken each day. Do I get up, or do I stay in bed? Do I brush my teeth first or start the coffee? Sometimes our choices lead to unforeseen consequences that we do not want, but the mistake was in figuring out what the consequences of our actions would be, not in the choice we made, unwise though it may have been. The choice was a deliberate one.
Dickey Ray Chance
According to the public records held in the Marion County, Arkansas, Circuit Clerk’s Office concerning the investigation and arrest of Dickey Ray Chance for child pornography and Internet stalking of a child on July 19th, Chance is quoted as saying, “I realize what I have done is wrong and I am really sorry for the wrong I have committed. A terrible mistake on my behalf and (I) wish that it had never happened.”
Chance’s behavior over a one-year period to carry on a sexually explicit Internet conversation with a person identified as a 14-year-old girl was a choice. The mistake was in judging the consequences of his behavior, and finding out that the “girl” was a Marion County sheriff’s deputy. He immediately lost his job, his benefits, his home, his wife and family, as well as his status in the community and his ability to make a living.
The unintended consequence (being arrested) of his behavioral choice was a mistake, but what he did was a choice.
Making excuses
Many times the people we think have a high level of psychopathic traits will excuse their choices as “mistakes” in an effort to shift the blame for those choices off themselves. There is no doubt that Chance knew it was both legally wrong and morally wrong for him to carry on a sexual discussion over the Internet, or any other way, with a 14-year-old girl, yet he chose to do this action multiple times over a one-year period. This was no error in judgment; it was a deliberate choice. His error in judgment was in thinking he could get away with this behavioral choice without having any legal consequences, and without being exposed as a pedophile.
My psychopathic son, Patrick, knew it was “wrong” to steal, he knew it was “wrong” to kill, yet he made the choices to do both. The mistake he made, however, was in thinking that he would not get caught, even without making much, if any, effort to disguise who had committed those crimes. In fact, he actually bragged about his intention to kill his victim before he did so, and afterwards as well. The choice to kill her was just that, a choice, but the biggest mistake in his life was in not realizing that some other people, even among his petty-criminal associates who, while they may have been dishonest, were not full-fledged psychopaths, and would not view his choices as admirable and macho.
People high in psychopathic traits frequently make choices that harm other people, thinking they can get away unscathed by consequences for these choices. The man who decides to cheat on his wife, but when he gets caught, cries about what a “mistake” it was and how “sorry he is for having hurt her.” The person who steals something, then when caught cries about how they “made a mistake,” hoping the victim of their choice will give them unearned trust again and forgiveness for their “mistake.” The criminal bank robber or rapist wants the public to view his/her behavior as a “mistake,” almost an “accident,” that happened rather than as a deliberate evil choice to do wrong.
The word “mistake” even indicates to me an “accidental” nature of an event, rather than a consequence of a deliberate choice. When we choose to give unearned trust to a repeat offender of bad choices, the same way a parole board lets a bank robber out of prison early when he pleads “I’ve learned my lesson, it was just a big mistake,” we are also making a choice, and we will have to deal with those consequences of our choices. In dealing with a psychopath, I can almost guarantee it will be a mistake with consequences we won’t like.
Joyce (aka Ox Drover),
I have been dealing with this issue myself. The spath was arrrested for “passing bad checks”. He literally told me that he “made a mistake.” I disagree because he has a history of this behavior. Unfortunately, in his twisted way of thinking (not wanting to think badly about himself, I suppose), he’s clinging to the “I made a mistake” take on his fiasco, always downplaying his actions.
Donna, did you actually just read my mind?
I just posted today some quotes from my ex hoping to make a list of possible common “spath-speak” for others to compare notes with, and that was one of the things he had said. Here is the list again in this thread, but I have moved the part about “mistake” to the top:
– She’s got trust issues! She keeps looking at my mistakes rather than at my track record!
– What are your dreams?
– If you didn’t X then I wouldn’t have to Y all the time.
– You are weak. / I see your weaknesses.
– I will kill myself if you don’t”..
– I am being so nice, you bitch!
– It’s very hard for me to deal with your unstable behavior. I have to treat you like this.
– Please, don’t hurt me.
– Oh, come on, I would never do something like that.
– I can’t believe you think I would do something like that!
– Admit that you just are not compassionate enough to forgive me.
– I am just like you.
– I am you now.
– I am a mirror. I just reflect your beauty back to you.
– What you see is not me, it’s you.
– I am God.
– I am Jesus.
– Me, Me, Me!
– My life used to be just about Me, Me, Me, but now it’s all about You, You, You!
– I wish I could respect you, but I just can’t because”.(fill in with ANYTHING)
– All men are like this.
– No other man would put up with you as well I do.
– You are lucky I am so forgiving. Any other man would kill you for this.
– I need the facade because I am afraid.
– I lie because I am afraid
– I lie because these people do not deserve the truth.
– If a woman allows a man to treat her that way, then she deserves it.
– I will never judge you.
– The best form of government is fascism, with me on top. Then I could protect people from all the evil they don’t know exists.
– I have no emotions. I love no one. You are the first person I have ever felt an emotion for.
– I am afraid you will never understand what I gave you, give you, will give to you.
– You are a lower being than me.
– I have a code. No animals, children, or women.
– There is no man in the world who could love you if he knew who you are. You are lucky I do.
– He tells me we can’t trust you (talking about himself)
– I suffer from horrible things that you do when you black out.
– If you really loved me, you would lie to me.
– I love you more than you love me because I am willing to lie to you to make you feel safe.
– You are selfish because you always insist on being honest.
– I hate porn. I really hate it. It objectifies women and it makes me sick. I only watch it for educational purposes. I don’t actually get off on it. I’m just trying to learn from it.
– I won a debate at Yale about porn. The women were arguing that it liberates women and I was arguing that it objectifies them. The judges agreed with me. I got first place.
– I’ve been with about 150 prostitutes.
– I am a virgin.
– I manipulated, played, and lied to you because I loved you and that made me scared, so I had to.
– You should stop talking to that stupid guy. He’s trying to brainwash you into thinking men respect women. He just wants to sleep with you.
– If you were a virgin, then I could be nice to you, treat you well, and give you everything you need.
From Skylar’s:
– No one will EVER love you.
– Love should be unconditional.
– You must respond CORRECTLY.
– You interrupted, so I have to start all over again, from the beginning.
– You didn’t answer the phone!! ALWAYS answer the phone.
– Do you think I’m inconsiderate?
Skylar, by the way, I am cracking up over, “You must respond CORRECTLY.” That is hilarious.
Also, this one, “You interrupted, so I have to start all over again, from the beginning.” This one creeps me out because I used to say that to HIM all the time!!!! Almost those exact words. However, I was saying this because the WAY and the TIMING he would deliberately butt in, and the input he’d blurt out would make my head feel like all my thoughts just got shaken up and I couldn’t remember anymore what I was trying to say. He knew this, so whenever I was on the brink of making a valid point, he would blurt something out that would send my head spinning and I’d say almost exactly that above….but usually I couldn’t piece it all back together again because I’d be so confused by whatever he’d just said that I couldn’t see my own thoughts anymore.
Can I add a few?
I was only joking.
How was I to know you’d take me seriously?
You are too sensitive.
It just happened.
I apologized.
That’s all water under the bridge.
Nobody wants to listen to your drama.
All I want is a little gratitude.
I’m done talking.
Your problem is that you don’t know how to negotiate.
You’re crazy.
You’re stupid.
You’re a bitch.
Kim, “I apologized” must be a classic.
My father used to always say, “Hey, no one is perfect.”
That was his excuse EVERYTHING line.
Also, “How was I to know you’d take me seriously?”
What a head trip! Total spath-speak! I have HEARD that one too, almost exactly. Did you answer like I did by saying, “Well, EXCUSE ME for BELIEVING YOU. I didn’t REALIZE that I was supposed to take your words as MEANINGLESS! Yeah, that makes A LOT of sense. Then don’t get PISSED next time you say something and I DON’T take you seriously!”
Oh, and of course there’s this one:
You just don’t know how to treat a man.
Yep. You stand ther gaping in wonderment. A real WTF moment.
“You just don’t know how to treat a man.”
Heard that one too. They really do all read the same book. I think this one is supposed to mean: Don’t you know that you are my slave and any behavior which suggests that you think of yourself as human is considered deviant and must be punished by God….oh, that’s me, by the way.
Oxy ~
Mistakes can be corrected by using the eraser at the top of the pencil. Everybody makes mistakes, that is why the pencil comes with an eraser. Making bad choices is part of the learning experience, that is how we learn to make good choices. The S/P does not see that connection, they NEVER learn.
Interesting, after the P/daughter started going to therapy (court ordered ofcourse) she learned the lingo – her catch phrase became “I made a bad choice” – she continues to make the same bad choices, but at least she learned something from the therapy.
When I told my ex that his threatening to hurt my cat if I didn’t stop, “Playing the silent treatment,” with him was EVIL and HOW DARE him threaten to hurt my cat, he said, as if this was a totally logical answer:
Of course I wasn’t really going to hurt your cat! I was just saying that because it was the only way to get you to do what I wanted. You know I’d never hurt him, god. Why are you labeling me an animal killer? You made me say that because you were playing the silent treatment and I had to stop you!
Yeah, I did “play” the GAPING jaw “treatment” a lot, because there is really no way to answer this (and almost everything he’d ever say) without screaming and looking like a lunatic.
Milo…”I made a bad choice.”
My goodness. Like a robot.