By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
How we define words and concepts helps us to see human behavior in a realistic way. When people make bad choices, and do bad things, things they know are wrong, they ARE still CHOICES, not accidents or mistakes, even though the consequences were unforeseen when they are caught and punished.
I’ve frequently heard people refer to what I consider to be deliberate and knowing “choices” as “mistakes.” In the sentence, “he made a mistake and robbed a liquor store,” my inclination is to scream, “NO, he did NOT make a ”˜mistake,’ he made a deliberate choice to rob a liquor store.” The mistake was he didn’t figure he would get caught, and he was wrong. He got caught and went to prison. The mistake, if any, was in thinking he would not get caught.
Wikipedia defines mistake: “A mistake is an error caused by a fault: the fault being misjudgment, carelessness, or forgetfulness. Now, say that I run a stop sign because I was in a hurry, and wasn’t concentrating, that is a mistake.”
Wikipeida also defines choice: “Choice consists of the mental process of judging the merits of multiple options and selecting one of them. While a choice can be made between imagined options (“what would I do if …?”), often a choice is made between real options, and followed by the corresponding action.”
Every living human starts making choices the moment we awaken each day. Do I get up, or do I stay in bed? Do I brush my teeth first or start the coffee? Sometimes our choices lead to unforeseen consequences that we do not want, but the mistake was in figuring out what the consequences of our actions would be, not in the choice we made, unwise though it may have been. The choice was a deliberate one.
Dickey Ray Chance
According to the public records held in the Marion County, Arkansas, Circuit Clerk’s Office concerning the investigation and arrest of Dickey Ray Chance for child pornography and Internet stalking of a child on July 19th, Chance is quoted as saying, “I realize what I have done is wrong and I am really sorry for the wrong I have committed. A terrible mistake on my behalf and (I) wish that it had never happened.”
Chance’s behavior over a one-year period to carry on a sexually explicit Internet conversation with a person identified as a 14-year-old girl was a choice. The mistake was in judging the consequences of his behavior, and finding out that the “girl” was a Marion County sheriff’s deputy. He immediately lost his job, his benefits, his home, his wife and family, as well as his status in the community and his ability to make a living.
The unintended consequence (being arrested) of his behavioral choice was a mistake, but what he did was a choice.
Making excuses
Many times the people we think have a high level of psychopathic traits will excuse their choices as “mistakes” in an effort to shift the blame for those choices off themselves. There is no doubt that Chance knew it was both legally wrong and morally wrong for him to carry on a sexual discussion over the Internet, or any other way, with a 14-year-old girl, yet he chose to do this action multiple times over a one-year period. This was no error in judgment; it was a deliberate choice. His error in judgment was in thinking he could get away with this behavioral choice without having any legal consequences, and without being exposed as a pedophile.
My psychopathic son, Patrick, knew it was “wrong” to steal, he knew it was “wrong” to kill, yet he made the choices to do both. The mistake he made, however, was in thinking that he would not get caught, even without making much, if any, effort to disguise who had committed those crimes. In fact, he actually bragged about his intention to kill his victim before he did so, and afterwards as well. The choice to kill her was just that, a choice, but the biggest mistake in his life was in not realizing that some other people, even among his petty-criminal associates who, while they may have been dishonest, were not full-fledged psychopaths, and would not view his choices as admirable and macho.
People high in psychopathic traits frequently make choices that harm other people, thinking they can get away unscathed by consequences for these choices. The man who decides to cheat on his wife, but when he gets caught, cries about what a “mistake” it was and how “sorry he is for having hurt her.” The person who steals something, then when caught cries about how they “made a mistake,” hoping the victim of their choice will give them unearned trust again and forgiveness for their “mistake.” The criminal bank robber or rapist wants the public to view his/her behavior as a “mistake,” almost an “accident,” that happened rather than as a deliberate evil choice to do wrong.
The word “mistake” even indicates to me an “accidental” nature of an event, rather than a consequence of a deliberate choice. When we choose to give unearned trust to a repeat offender of bad choices, the same way a parole board lets a bank robber out of prison early when he pleads “I’ve learned my lesson, it was just a big mistake,” we are also making a choice, and we will have to deal with those consequences of our choices. In dealing with a psychopath, I can almost guarantee it will be a mistake with consequences we won’t like.
Love the eraser analogy.
I wrote this years ago:
The little god of white-out cleans up all your sins!!!
I was so in denial that I whited out the truth, in order NOT to deal with it…it was just too overwhelming. Eventually though, the tsunami came.
Yeah. As if he had a right to MAKE you talk to him. As if you didn’t have a choice in the matter. Who the hell do they think they are?
Ahahaha Kim you are hilarious! Who the hell do they think they are!!! Yes, my thoughts exactly.
But, unfortunately, I think we know the answer. They are apparently God and we have failed to comply.
On that note, he did think that I had the right to kill him, and whenever he told me that, I got concerned for HIM and told him that he should love himself more and value himself more and that I certainly do NOT have the right to kill him!!!! What the heck! Clearly this meant he thought he had the right to kill me. That part I’ve come to terms with. What I cannot fathom is that he thought I also had the right to kill him!!! That baffles me. At least he was consistent in his insanity and didn’t have a double standard on that particular topic. But it’s truly a crazy scenario. There isn’t a shred of logic and I was mind-boggled to the point of inertia too often.
Who the hell do they think they are!?
Kim ~ the little god of white out – I like that and will use it.
Panther ~ a robot correct, that is actually the way she says it – just like a robot.
I once talked to her probation officer who told me, your daughter said, “she made a bad choice”. I informed the woman that my daughter’s life is filled with bad choices. To my shock and surprise the woman replied,” I already got that.”
They are all from the same evil mold.
My x once said..”Oh, if I cheated on you, THAT would make me a ‘bad’ person?”
DUH!!!
He always said..”I’m not a BAD MAN”.
A g/f of mine who was involved with a ‘badman’ always said the same exact thing!!!!
I swear they are like animals of the same breed. You know how certain breeds have certain personalities, traits…
Sociopaths are a different breed. All the same..Think the same…use the same manipulative tactics and words.
Scary, isn’t it?
tobehappy:
It is scary, BUT, they are much easier to detect when they have the same traits and that’s good for us!
I have to share a couple of mine too.
Stalker ex1 (10 years ago we broke up and he stalked me for 7 after):
-You have to be lying, because you cannot be that smart.
-You will never be rid of me.
I blocked out the rest of what he said, didn’t want to waste space in my brain over such a sick person with sick words.
My ex husband’s favorite was:
-I don’t know…..
When asked what he was doing with the $900 a week being spent at Circle K…”I don’t know.” When asked why he took my credit cards, after we had separated, charged them up and then hid the bills from me…”I don’t know.” When asked why the bank account was negative…”I don’t know.” (He made $96,000 a year & I had money too!) Always, with a sad, puppy dog look on his face as he put his head down.
Now, my last ex #3 was the doozie. He never stopped amazing me at the shitty things he came up with:
– I am a pretty good guy.
-You do not like anything I like
-I only lie about drinking, stealing, doing drugs
-I would never steal
-I saw this motorcycle X and I am going to steal it
-I don’t drink or do drugs
-I am not as bad as you say I am
-I am not a bad person
-You are crazy
-I am jealous of you
-You are a psychopath
-I am sorry. I made a mistake. Just drop it.
-That was yesterday, quit bringing up the past.
-She was not pretty, so it is okay that I spent the weekend with her doing coke
-Buy me a motorcycle for $5k. I will pay you back.
-I am looking for a job. Well, not looking but one of my friends will give me one.
-I can’t pay rent because I have to get my car going.
-(car is going) I cannot pay rent because I need to buy a motorcycle
-You are an idiot
-You don’t understand
-You are just a b*tch, C…etc…
-I hope I never meet my kid, because it will have been raised by you, and it would be like you. My reply,” You mean not a sociopath.” And those were the last words I ever said to him in person. You should have seen the look of shock on his face after I said it. It was priceless!
I was pretty embarrassed to have been with 3 spaths in a row. I also wasn’t sure if my exhusband was one or not, until last week. He is a long story, and I do not want to get into that one now.
I couldn’t figure out how I kept ending up with such horrible bfs. They are all from 3 completely different walks of life. I blamed myself, and said I had a horrible choice in men. I just couldn’t figure out how to find a decent one. I even stayed single for years in between, because I was too afraid of picking another nut case.
My counselor, (I dumped him bc he put up a ton of red flags to me. He threw a fit if anyone even held the door open for him, because he said that they were just trying to get some pleasure out of being “nice” and that it wasn’t about him. WTF?) told me that I picked these guys because they seemed familar to me. They were like the people that I grew up with. One problem, I did not want anyone like my parents. I knew the things they did were wrong, and I did not like or agree with them. I tried to pick people who were not like them. Anyway, it all came down to my fault for being with them in the first place. So, naturally I blamed myself, but still could not figure out how in the hell I ended up with them.
It finally dawned on me…They charmed me. I wasn’t trying to pick sociopaths. I was trying to pick loving, caring, kind people in my life. Now, I know about the red flags and coming on too strong. I did not know any of this stuff before. So, it all makes sense, NOW. lol.
I have my whole life ahead of me, and the lessons I have learned from these spaths might have saved me from years of pain with my spath family members.
I know I am really chatty right now, but getting this bottled up mess out is really helping me. I am starting to feel a huge sense of freedom from the hurt and guilt and confusion. Lf is the only place I actually feel safe to discuss this stuff. It seems no one else understands or even cares to understand.
Ox Drover – Thank you for this post and I am sorry about your son.
Jen,
From what I’ve read, the reason we are attracted to and put up with the freaks is because we pick people who are familiar to us from our childhood.
I never would have agreed with that, before I learned about spaths, but now I do. My spath wore a mask of a liberal, feminist, soft-hearted type, who loves animals. He was a musician, a free spirit, and a genious with mechanical things.
My father, the N, seemed like a raging ego centric, macho, responsible, money obsessed, jerk, who hated animals. I vowed never to be with anyone like him.
My spath brother was charismatic, tough and seemed to be perpetually wounded and needing to be saved.
I think it was my brother that I saw in my ex-spath. But it doesn’t matter, because in the end what they all are is controlling narcissists, with grandiose personalities and that was all I knew and what seemed familiar to me, so I felt comfortable with it. I didn’t know there was a word for it, or that it was a cluster of behavior patterns.
I’ve had 3 german shepards in my life and I noticed a funny thing about them. When they encountered another german shepard, they get very excited. Much more than when they encounter any other type of dog. I wondered why. It’s not like they look in the mirror and know what they look like, so why would they get excited to see a dog that looks like themselves? Well they are just dogs and I’m sure that they don’t even realize that they are extra excited, but it is obvious to me. I finally figured out that they are reacting that way because they are remembering their siblings from their litter and their mother. The look was imprinted in their memories and that’s what is familiar to them.
WOW! Guys, great conversation!!!!
We are responsible for our CHOICES, but the psychopaths LOVE BOMB us at first so that it appears that we are making a good choice to attach to a good person (kind, loving) but now that we are learning the consequences of this type of CHOICE we are seeing that psychopaths can FAKE good behavior for a short time anyway….so we learn that we should not give our trust TOO SOON to someone who seems “too good to be true.”
It is a mistake to trust someone too soon. So we must petition the “little god of white out” to erase our “sin.” YEA, MILO, I LOVE THAT ONE!!!!
Good points guys!