Sometimes evil sociopaths will tell us exactly who they are. Unfortunately, many of us refuse to believe them.
I’ve heard this many times from Lovefraud readers. Their romantic partner said things like:
“I’m really not a very nice person.”
“You should get away from me. I’ll ruin your life.”
“I’m a sociopath.”
But instead of running for the hills, the people who heard these statements stayed in the relationships. Needless to say, they turned out badly.
Why do we do it? Why, when someone comes out and tells us that they will hurt us — at least emotionally, if not worse — why do we ignore the warning and stay? I can think of several reasons:
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We do not know that sociopaths exist
Approximately 12% of the population are sociopaths, meaning they could be diagnosed with antisocial, narcissistic, borderline, histrionic or psychopathic personality disorders. That means about 30 million adults in the United States, and 243 million around the world, are disordered. But no one tells us about them. No one teaches us the warning signs. So we are frighteningly clueless about the human predators who live all around us.
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We believe everyone has good inside
Our society doesn’t warn us about sociopaths, but we are bombarded with cultural messages like, “everyone has good inside,” “we’re all created equal,” and “we’re all God’s children.” We take these messages to heart, and therefore believe that we all want to do the right thing and treat others with love and respect. Yes, this is true of most people, but not of the sociopaths.
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We believe love can heal the pain
We’re aware of our own emotional wounds and baggage; we’re looking for love to help heal them. We therefore assume the same is true for our partner — he or she has a wounded child inside that just needs to be loved and comforted. Especially when we hear horror stories about our partner’s vicious, crazy exes, we believe that our love is different, and we are able to reach this person when everyone else has failed. Unfortunately this effort is doomed to fail, because sociopaths cannot love, and they cannot receive love.
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We are already addicted to the relationship
Relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive, and the addiction can happen very quickly. We may already be feeling psychologically bonded. We’ve experienced intimacy — emotionally, physically or sexually — and this sent oxytocin coursing through our bodies, making us feel calm, trusting and content. We’ve also felt the rush of dopamine. The last thing we want to do is crush the buzz of our exciting romance.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — how you got hooked and why you stayed
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We believe the statement is an anomaly
Yes, evil sociopaths may reveal their true natures, but they don’t usually do it right away. We’ve already experienced the love bombing, the flattery, the sex, the promises for the future, so the admission of a dark side may seem totally contradictory to the person we think we know. Therefore, we assume our partner is depressed, anxious or having a bad day — not revealing the truth.
Take note of the warning
If your partner — or anyone for that matter — ever admits to being a sociopath, narcissist or psychopath, pay attention. If someone says they’re not nice, or describes engaging in deceptive, manipulative or exploitative behavior, do not dismiss the warning and assume that they will never be that way with you.
Even if you don’t want to believe the statement, at least take it seriously. It may be the best warning you’ll ever get that you are involved with an evil sociopath.
Protect, Feed and Share Your Light
Well, I really don’t know what to say about this article. Life would be so simple and easy if the person would actually tell you “I am a sociopath” or “I will hurt you” in such a direct way.
He told me days before meeting in person: “you could be a sociopath trying to kill me while I peacefully sleep dreaming of something innocent”.
He also told me: “I really don’t want to hurt you or cause distress, both physically or in other ways”. Please. this is important to me. Why am I scaring you? I could not stand the idea of hurting you physically when we had sex, and it is the same mentally.” “It is not nice to be mistrusted”.
He said: “remember when we first talked about honesty? This is very important to me but it also means I want your trust unless I did something to lose your trust”.
Well, he was the one telling ME I could be a sociopath and he was telling me he didn’t want to hurt me. Honesty was important to him, he said and he wanted my trust.
How do you take note of all this when you have only talked to the person for a few days/weeks?
Yes, the only thing that he was direct about was when he said that he could keep me in a basement and give me food and drink. And I didn’t pay attention to this thinking that he wanted to take care of me. He was still in the love bombing stage. But the other things he told me were not direct and simple as explained in this article. If they told you “I am a sociopath” in your face they wouldn’t stand a chance of being with you.
Yes, sometimes they actually say the words, “I am a sociopath” or “I am not good for you.” It doesn’t happen all the time, but it does happen. So the point of the article is, if you do actually hear those words, take them seriously.
Yes, but it is more important to be able to see the signs when what they tell you is not so obvious and clear. So I think it would be important to discuss all the scenarios.
In fact, there is a very good article that states the below:
Taken from: https://www.psychopathfree.com/articles/understanding-how-sociopaths-think-why-it-is-good-to-ask-why.278/
If they told you who they really are then it is the easiest way.
Sociopaths provide “tells” about who they really are
Sociopathic tells are yet another manipulation tactic sociopaths use to exploit others. They specialize in playing mind games with others, and tells are an effective way in which to confuse their targets. It is only after the abuse that survivors begin to see the truth behind these tells.
They come in three forms: projections on to others, truthful remarks, and statements that are the exact opposite of the truth.
Projection
When sociopaths project, they are giving their targets camouflaged clues. They talk about how other people cheat or lie or hurt others, as if they abhor such behavior, when in fact they are describing themselves. And during the devalue phase of their “relationships,” they often project this negativity on to their targets, in an effort to make their victims doubt themselves. It also has the effect of making targets feel as if they are going crazy.
The Truth
Sociopaths tell their targets exactly who they are, but they do it in such a way that it is impossible for victims to understand the consequences of the horrible statements. Targets might hear comments like, “You shouldn’t be with me” or “I’ve never had a good relationship” or “I wanted to hurt someone.” Sociopaths turn these declarations into pity plays and feel secretly justified in exploiting victims when they do not realize the statements are real.
The Opposite of the Truth
Sociopaths convince their targets that they will never lie or cheat and that they love them so much. They also promise that they will never do anything to hurt their victims. They regularly mislead targets by making claims that are precisely the opposite of the truth.
Based on personal experience, my guess is that the really sadistic, devious, high-functioning spaths don’t come out and announce who/what they are as that takes away the “game” they live to play on the unsuspecting. On several occasions In the beginning of my relationship with my ex-spath, he mentioned how ‘Six Degrees of Separation” with Will Smith was his favorite movie of all time and we needed to watch it together. Needless to say, we never did that and I didn’t discover what that movie was all about until after I escaped from him….
You’re probably right.
I didn’t know what a sociopath was until I went to the psychiatrist (suffering from depression and anxiety) and I told him my story with my ex. When he would mention certain things I thought he was just trying to make himself seem cool or he just wanted attention. I remember at the beginning of our relationship he mentioned about robbing & tying down this food deliverer. After I broke up with him, he still talked to me as if were dating and called me his best friend (I wasn’t over him but I knew something was off so i kept my distance but still allowed him to manipulate me). It was then that he mentioned 3 things that startled me as off. He said “I am a compulsive liar. I went to the therapist and you should have seen her face when I told her I could lie to her looking straight on her eyes and not feel any remorse” and “I feel like I have no emotions”; also, “My first girlfriend left the country, my second girlfriend became a lesbian, and you “I sent you therapy for the rest of your life” (he laughed).
ina91 – The statements your ex made clearly reveal that he is a sociopath. It sounds like the psychiatrist identified that for you. It’s great that he told you what your ex is. Many therapists don’t do that, even though it really helps with their clients’ healing. About half of therapists really do not understand sociopathic abuse.
I am thankful for finding this blog and think that sharing is a way of healing.
A man walked into my life and sparks immediately flew. He was a service provider and while working at my house we talked – well, HE talked, I couldn’t hardly get a word in edgewise. Talked about so many things that my head was spinning but it was all so captivating and he was handsome and I shared things about myself (bad divorce, lonely, sad, etc.). By the end of the evening I was hooked. He didnt get the work done because we had talked to much so he moved his schedule around to able to return the following day. We hugged goodnight. I was already smitten and thought of him all night.
The following day he told me he was a sociopath but I did not believe it. I looked it up later – some of the points matched: he was extremely charming and charismatic, extremely intelligent, he had been a drug and alcohol abuser, he had been raised in an unstable and unorthodox environment, he had hurt others to get what he wanted (drugs, money, booze, sex, etc). But I thought “why would he be telling me he was a sociopath”? I admit, it did reel me in. I am a child of an alcoholic and therefore have previously been in relationships with men where I thought I could “fix” them. It is easy to believe that The Power of My Love is All He Needs to Become the Whole, Functioning Person He was Meant to Be!! Still though, the fact that he was admitting to me his deficiencies was throwing me off.
We had a sexual experience that second evening – the most amazing oral sex I had ever received. He finished the service work but told me that he wanted me to think about if I wanted any further contact with him and if so, what that might entail. If I decided that I wanted to pursue some sort of a relationship with him that would be great, but if I decided no further contact was the best route then that would be OK too. NOTE: he is married – of course, not happily, blah, blah, blah.
When he contacted me a couple of weeks later we set a day for him to come see me so we could “talk about what would work for both of us”. When that day came I was so overcome with lust for him that there was never a conversation regarding how, or if, we might proceed. The sex was amazing.
Still though, he was telling me how he was a sociopath and a pathological liar and told me he was damaged and incapable of love. Tells me he is not good for me. Tells me to find someone else. He said that he was so damaged that I could never hurt him – that he had his defenses so well placed that no one / nothing could ever hurt him. It only made me want him more.
Weeks passed with no contact from him. I was desolate! I couldn’t call or text him because he had told me his wife had spy ware on his phone and always knew where he was and was able to read his text messages and knew when he made or received calls. Finally I received a call from him. I was overjoyed! He said that he had purchased a “burner” phone so we could communicate but that his wife had found it and had went on the warpath and that he was laying low so she would calm down and that was the reason he had not contacted me. He promised he would get another “burner” phone and I was again left with having no way to personally contact him. Again, weeks passed. I reached out the only way I knew I could – I made an appointment with his partner for a service call at my home. (The work was not entirely unnecessary but I was willing to pay $$$ just to see him again.)
When the day came I couldn’t keep my hands off of him and was pretty aggressive. He started the work I had scheduled but at some point he asked if we could go to my bedroom. Well, YES!! He asked me to do something I had previously told him I would not do but I did and it was not an entirely bad experience. He told me I brought out an aggressive side of him that he had not experienced previously. He didn’t hurt me but everything felt “off”. All in all, it was a disappointing sexual session on all levels. At some point, he looked at the clock and saw the time. He jumped out of bed and was very agitated and started telling me how he had missed spending the evening with his 10 yo son and that his son was the only thing important to him and that it was all my fault and I had been selfish and what could he tell his wife about being out so late?? He then proceeded to tell me that all of the things he had confided to me that afternoon (more things about his past) were lies and how could I have believed such foolishness??? I think that he wanted to either make me angry or to see me cry. (Earlier in the afternoon he had asked me when was the last time I had cried – to which I replied I could not recall without thinking about it, at which point he moved on to talking about something completely different.) I did NOT cry but I did get angry and told him I did not appreciate him making a fool of me. Then he took that opportunity to turn it back on me and tell me that he had only thought of me “once or twice” since our last conversation and that he had gotten a “creepy, needy” vibe from that conversation because of my “long goodbye”. “I hate long goodbyes” he said as he was dressing. Now it was 2 am and he still needed to finish the work he had started. He told me to go to bed and he would finish the work and “would not wake me to say goodbye”.. Needless to say, I did not sleep and heard him leave around 5 am.
I went to work thinking that would be the last I would ever see or hear from him and that it hurt but it was certainly the right thing to happen. However, after I got to work I received a text from him telling me that he had encountered a problem while doing my service and it would be necessary for him to come back and repair what he screwed up and he would have to do it without his partner being aware of the problem and would have to do it sometime when he was in my area on another job and he would let me know when that would be.
Now I am faced with him coming back to fix the problem. I have paid for the service and do want the work done but am unsure how the process will play out. Now that I do know his true colors, will I be able to withstand his charm and manipulations? Or will he simply never return and I will be left with a service problem that is such a specialty that few have the expertise to complete? Or should I feel lucky to have come out of this encounter with a sociopath relatively unscathed????
heartache2021 – I am so sorry for your experience, but at least you recognize the truth of his disorder, and yes, have escaped relatively unscathed.
I suggest that you go ahead and schedule the service, but make sure that someone else is with you in your home for the entire service call. That way the work will get done and you can avoid an encounter with him.
Thanks for your reply Donna and for the good advice. I still don’t understand his purpose in telling me he was a sociopath, damaged, and that he was not good for me, etc .Was it for pity from me and then he might have the possibility to just use me for a quick “hit and run”??