On this Christmas Day, I am filled with joy, happiness and love. It has nothing to do with Santa Claus being good to me, or the gifts I offered to my husband and family—after all, there is a recession going on, and it has affected us. Rather, I am filled with joy, happiness and love because now, after the sociopath, life is good. In fact, life has never been better.
This is a significant, even miraculous, change for me. In the years before I met my sociopathic ex—from age 20 to 40—I didn’t feel joy, happiness or love. Instead, I was mostly numb. If anything broke through the wall of numbness, it was longing.
Then the sociopath arrived, and promised me what I so desperately wanted—an end to my longing. He said he’d love me forever. He said that once his business plans succeeded—with my financial help, of course—we’d live in “the lap of luxury.” He promised that my dreams would come true, and I believed him.
We all know how that goes.
The magnitude of his betrayal was staggering. I coped as best I could with the legal and financial consequences, but emotionally, all I could do was collapse. It was painful. It was ugly. But as I started to come through my shattered circumstances, I found that what was also shattered was the numbness. And in its place, I felt the beginnings of joy, happiness and love. I felt the spark of life.
As I read the comments on Lovefraud, I see many of you also finding that spark of life. Many of you, progressing in your healing, are rediscovering what you had lost or forgotten, making you vulnerable to the sociopath. You are rediscovering your own inner light.
On this Christmas Day, I am filled with gratitude to all of you who are building the community of healing that Lovefraud has become. It is working. We are recovering. Although we are all at different stages of our journey, I promise you, it is a journey towards joy, happiness and love.
Merry Christmas.
Ever encouraging and supportive you are, Lovely Donna! (yoda speak)
Yes, discovering the realization that happiness and then joy must reside within yourself before you are able to extend it outwards, to others has been my saving grace.
Of course, this would never have transpired without the Lord’s strength, love, and guidance enveloping me in blazing warmth and light at a time I sooo needed it. I would never be the woman I am now without it. I am literally defined by my faith and love for the Triune God; the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit.
Ain’t life grand!?….haha!
Merry Christmas to you and yours, Dr. Leedom, the 2 Steves, M.L. Gallagher, and to all the wonderful LF Peeps!
Peace, Love and Joy to everyone on this holiest of days!
Merry Christmas, Love Fraud Bloggers,
As I too reflect on Christmases past, I am so eternally grateful the darkness is behind me.
I was thinking how like a feral child I was for such a long time, as to emotions and interacting with my family, then my husband and his family. Being raised in such dysfunction in my all surroundings, I didn’t have the social skills needed to respond, but I’ve come to finally realize that, even though I was rejected over and over, it was the ones I was with who had the problem and not me. Not to say I have it together, but I do know how to love unconditionally. I know the art of letting go. And I think how, due to my own upbringing, I was able to raise my daughters and prepare them for life.
I see how different they are compared to me at their age, and I give God all the credit for making something so positive out of such negativity. My past is past, but it’s having to make the peace with it, that sometimes still holds me back. I’ve developed some strong boundaries and refuse to take part in negative discussions. I’m so thankful for this site and I keep coming here for more courage and to share the pain of the new ones that equally find this place of enlightenment.
I’m so glad to be on this side of the healing. The ones who caused me all the pain, are for the most part, just there. They don’t know what to do with me since they can no longer denigrate me. My husband, who hopefully soon, will be my ex, hasn’t a clue how to communicate with me since he can no longer talk down to me and treat me like a second class citizen. I’ve lost the guilt that I carried for so long, in thinking I was responsible for his soul, as many wanted me to think. His problems were there before me. He just used me as a battering ram and it’s over.
The man who was supposed to be my best friend, and became my worst nightmare, is out of the picture, too. He initiated the no contact, due to a series of events and it all benefited me. I found out that he was chasing a gay man, who happens to be a millionaire. The other half of this gay couple came to me and he and I have become really good friends. But he was so upset that my “friend” was coming between the two of them and he wanted him out. As it turned out, my friend and his friend were seen several weeks ago, smoking a joint outside their car in broad daylight. On further checking, it was found that two men matching their description, were renting a room at the motel adjacent the parking lot where they were smoking the joint. I took that information and threw it at him and said all these years that he misrepresented himself to me and led me to believe I was so special, he’s actually been out there doing drugs, probably porn and much more. He rented an apartment and had 4 young men, in their 20’s living with him and he’s 60.
Lots of garbage to indicate his secretive lifestyle. Well I text’d him and told him off and he took that to the police. They called me and said I wasn’t to contact him and I said that’s fine and he’s to do the same with me. The idiocy of it all was, after he goes to the police, I’ve seen him probably 12 times driving past my office looking in. Not sure why, when he initiated no contact. I’m sure he’s puzzled as to why I didn’t react. I respect the law and now that I know what he’s all about, I’m free. He was just a test for me and I believe of the devil. Satan was trying to break me the most of my life and he will work through those we are closest to. But I am woman, hear me roar.
I stand with all the rest here who’ve fought for freedom and won. There’s a line in a song that says, “deep within the heart has always known that there is freedom”. We are all entitled to freedom. For me, that freedom came because I believed in Christ and He made it happen. I give Him the credit with pointing me in the right direction.
Merry Christmas one and all. May the New Year bring us all a new outlook and those who are just embarking on their freedom trail, find that sweet release that only being free brings.
Donna,
Thank you for the courage and vision to start Lovefraud and Lovefraud Blog!! Your vision and persistence are now bearing fruit and giving sustanence to so many souls.
Thank you!!
L.
Yes, this is a wonderful place for healing, and as James’ poem shows, it can be a long journey. I’ve decide that the present I’m going to give myself today is to FINALLY stop thinking about the P. To go NC in my thoughts. For the last 2.5 years, he has been a part time to full time job in my life…..in terms of the number of hours I’ve spent trying to “make sense of nonsense.” I am determined to make sure it wasn’t just that, but instead the springboard to a new, confident life with strong boundaries and no fear. I’m sure I will post here sometimes and read here sometimes, but I need to put the past behind me at last and move on. To those who celebrate, Merry Christmas!
I wish I could say I felt joy today. The best I can say is that I have felt pretty decent throughout the holiday season. But today I woke up and felt anxious and depressed. It didn’t help to be around a large group of people that I didn’t know very well, even though I managed to pick up a new massage client. I felt like I had to put on my happy face when I didn’t really feel like it too much. I think Xmas of all days you shouldn’t have to put on any kind of face, especially when you do that at work all week. So I was a little out of sorts today and not sure why. It had nothing to do with sociopaths, so that’s a really really good thing!!!!
Morning all…Peacefull Christmas here, no sign of the evil one at all which initially had me on edge as not hearing can be as bad as hearing from him.
Hate to say this but this morning I am starting to miss him…God alone knows why because it was more often than not a misery. I am sure I havent heard the last though, it will be typical of him to wait for the holiday season to be over and then to tell me what a miserable time he had without his kids and how its my fault.
I am so glad I found this site, it has given me determination I lacked before and the understanding of why he does some of the things he was doing.
Muldoon; the keyword is “misery”. Why would anybody want to be kept in that state?
It reminds me of the film “Misery” starring Kathy Bates. Now, that guy was kept in a miserable state! What a great movie. It portraits the female psychopath very well.
I recommend this movie to you all during the holiday season. It is pretty funny too (as funny as you can get it with a P role!) 🙂
mrniceguy..seen misery great film, chilling and whe she breaks his ankles it makes me almost pass out, I have to turn away. Its hard to imagione there are people like that out there for real.
Just read loads on NPD, always had the evil one marked as a sociopath, I now realise he has all the traits of NPD, which has made me feel much safer and I am going to relax the fort a little…apparantly once they see they can no longer play you or get anything from you they are off like a shot and on to pastures new….Because the last time we saw eachother I didnt engage in the its your fault crap, I did not even really look at him, he will now know I have changed and will no longer be a source. I am stilll going to hang around here, I have learnt so much, well I already knew but doubted myself and could not understand it. I now know it all a bloody game to get what he wants and because he is NPD, me ignoring him is the most powerfull thing I can do. And he will now bugger off and probably not even see the kids.
muldoon; I was fortunate enough to avoid having children and the Volvo station wagon with the P. But I have read somewhere that lawyers who know about psychopathy frequently uses the P’s need to win, to get the normal person custody rights. That is, if you appeal to the P’s need for power, to control, to win, you can set things up to your advantage because they don’t care about the children, they only care to win the game, whatever the game is.
Dr. Robert Hare writes in his “survavial guide” in his book “without conscience”:
Be careful about power struggles. Keep in mind that psychopaths have a strong need for psychological and physical control over others. They must be in charge, and they will use charm, intimidation, and violence to ensure their authority. In a power struggle a psychopath will usually focus on winning. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t stand up for your rights, only that it will probably be difficult to do so without risking serious emotional or physical trauma.
In some cases, you may be able to use the psychopath’s “win at all costs” philosophy to your advantage. For example, in a local case a woman and her psychopathic ex-husband were engaged in a prolonged and bitter custody dispute over their two children. The lawyer for the woman, realizing that the man was dangerous, was intent on winning, and didn’t actually care about the welfare of the children, advised his client to agree to a joint custody arrangement. This is what the husband had wanted all along, and having “won the battle,” he lost all interest in the children. Although the lawyer’s tactics worked in this case, he ran a great risk of having the man decide to exercise his right of joint custody, with potentially disasterous consequences for the children.
Dear Muldoon,
Be CAREFUL labelilng him “just an N” and down playing his potentiall for VIOLENCE. He has ALREADY shown he is more than just an N by trashing your car, etc. THIS MAN HAS THE REAL POTENTIAL FOR VIIOLENCE—remember him strangling you?
Downplaying their potential for EVIL is a “typical” thing that gets people killed—-KILLED—- so don’t start that now of all times, because if you are WRONG then you will suffer grave consequences.
Many people take that tactic (down playing) and that is why they go back to these folks. They keep down playing.
Just because they give up a day or two doesn’t mean that they have changed. they cannot change, will not change, and he has been VIOLENT in the past, he will be VIOLENT again in the future—COUNT ON IT. Violence against property does not mean he won’t be violent against you or the kids.
PROTECT YOURSELF, keep your guard up. This is one time when you MUST NOT BE TOO HOPEFUL.
I recently read a book by Dr. Reid Meloy on “Risk Assessment of viiolence” and the BEST INDICATOR OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR, so WATCH OUT.
Hang tough sweetie, and keep coming back here. You may not want to hear what we have to say, but we will say it anyway, so please don’t get angry at me for being so blunt! (((hugs))))