On this Christmas Day, I am filled with joy, happiness and love. It has nothing to do with Santa Claus being good to me, or the gifts I offered to my husband and family—after all, there is a recession going on, and it has affected us. Rather, I am filled with joy, happiness and love because now, after the sociopath, life is good. In fact, life has never been better.
This is a significant, even miraculous, change for me. In the years before I met my sociopathic ex—from age 20 to 40—I didn’t feel joy, happiness or love. Instead, I was mostly numb. If anything broke through the wall of numbness, it was longing.
Then the sociopath arrived, and promised me what I so desperately wanted—an end to my longing. He said he’d love me forever. He said that once his business plans succeeded—with my financial help, of course—we’d live in “the lap of luxury.” He promised that my dreams would come true, and I believed him.
We all know how that goes.
The magnitude of his betrayal was staggering. I coped as best I could with the legal and financial consequences, but emotionally, all I could do was collapse. It was painful. It was ugly. But as I started to come through my shattered circumstances, I found that what was also shattered was the numbness. And in its place, I felt the beginnings of joy, happiness and love. I felt the spark of life.
As I read the comments on Lovefraud, I see many of you also finding that spark of life. Many of you, progressing in your healing, are rediscovering what you had lost or forgotten, making you vulnerable to the sociopath. You are rediscovering your own inner light.
On this Christmas Day, I am filled with gratitude to all of you who are building the community of healing that Lovefraud has become. It is working. We are recovering. Although we are all at different stages of our journey, I promise you, it is a journey towards joy, happiness and love.
Merry Christmas.
Did everyone see this
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081226/ap_on_re_us/santa_shooting
Here’s a quote:
“I’m just this is shocking,” Detanna told the Times. “He was the nicest guy you could imagine. Always a pleasure to talk to, always a big smile.”
Oxdrover….I just thgought that being more N than anything he would not want to give me the satisfaction of chasing around now that I no longer jump to his tune, in the past I would have given in long ago…And when I read about NPD, it says when the original source, ,me, no longer provides sex, power etc they move on to another…Or are you saying this could be the calm before the storm?
mrniceguy…I know any battle in the court is going to be messy but luckily alot of my claims can be backed up by facts, where as he will look the bitter becaus eprevious to not getting his way this time he has never had any complaint against me.
I said I was going NC in my mind, that I need to move on, but a lot of insights are flooding me this morning. Then I really will try to limit my time in thinking about all this to a specific time each day, or each week. I have to remember I have…HAD… a betrayal bond and that part of it is an addiction….and this is keeping me from my work, which unfortunately in this case is at home, so no coworkers to insist I work.
Anyway, one thing I’ve realized is how much I make excuses for someone’s bad behavior and minimize it. Even now, had I not known the P back when he was 15, I don’t think I would grasp yet the totality of his sickness. I would be blaiming it on present day circumstances in his life, but I look back and say “wait a minute….he was doing the same crap at 15 and those circumstances he is blaming weren’t there then.”
Also, I might think it was the fact that he is wealthy that “hooked me”….but then I have to give myself a break and realize he hooked me at 15, when he had a lot less than I did. The hook was the same sick relationship with him that I had with my mom. (Women Who Love Too Much does a good job of outlining that.)
another thing that occurs to me is that even if you don’t history to go on, in figuring out what you are dealing with, your reaction is a great diagnostic tool. For instance, if you are new to the the southwest, you might not recognize a scorpion or realize one bit you, but a doctor, looking at the reaction of your body, can say, hmmmm…..something poisonous bit you. He might not know exactly which poisonous animal stung you..or maybe he would…but she/he can tell from the wound that it was something poisonous.
So like the emotional rape book says, you may not always be able to prove that there was a hidden agenda (these people are great at even covering their tracks) but if there was a sudden reversal AND you are left devestated….guess what, you were emotionally raped. I think that is esp. true if normally relationships don’t end this way for you.
I’ve had some guys change their minds quickly on me, way back when I was dating, but if it wasn’t preceeded by a hidden agenda and therefore exploitation, it hurts for a few days….not a year or more of tears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess I’m writing all this because I struggled for so long thinking maybe I just misunderstood, did the wrong thing, he really is a good guy, just confused, whatever….but instead of going over and over and over what happened, I need to just look at my reaction and KNOW, yup, very clear….something poisonous got me!!
And Muldoon, I struggled for a while with he is “just” a N or a P or what…..and realized that doesn’t matter anymore than if the insect that bit me was a black widow, a small scorpion, a large scorpion…..who CARES how toxic their poison is or how deadly it is….the point is THEY ARE ALL POISONOUS….and you never know when your body might have a fatal allergic reaction to even “just” a bee sting!
And that analogy works better than I thought….because some people are more prone to have severe reaction to a poisonous bite…..and because of things beyond their control, like genes.
Like I realize some women would (and undoubtedly have) given the P I was involved with the brush off, even after getting stung a bit…..and maybe not had the same severe reaction because their past is different than mine….but I didn’t choose my childhood anymore than I chose my genes. I look at this experience as some innoculation against further severe reactions, but I’m not goint to take any chances. I’m sure not going to walk barefoot ever again and invite more stings!
My main challenge is resisting the urge to help out a scorpion in need, especially when it is disguised as something else! I need to get out the RAID!!! Well, at least get the heck out of their path.
justabouthealed: I don’t think there is a chance to jump out of the way. When a con artist wants to target you … they will figure out a way to get you to put your guard down and believe and trust in them. That is their game and that is what they are good at … and pride themselves in being good at.
Peace.
Dear Muldoon,
What I was seeing (hearing?) in your post that you thought maybe just maybe if you could label him an “N” then you wouldn’t have to FEAR physical danger—-that is sooooo wrong!
LOOKK AT THE PHYSICAL ATTACKS OF THE PAST, LOOK AT WHAT HE DID TO YOUR CAR!!!
THOSE ARE YOUR EVIDENCE HE IS DANGEROUS—
Even though you are not “supplying” these htings to him any more, many times, MANY TIMES (repeat) they feel like that YOU have INJURED THEM because you no longer supply these things. They want REVENGE for what they see as “what YOU did to THEM”
The “project” all their nasty thoughts onto you. If they are cheating they will blame you, if they are stealing, you are a thief, and so on.
Look at it this way, if you think he is violent and he is NOT, what hsve you lost? OR if you think he is NOT VIOLENT AND HE IS, WHAT HAVE YOU LOST? It is much better to be “SAFE THAN SORRY” in this case. Like if you pick up a snake you think is a garden snake and it is a viper YOU ARE BIT, but if you treat ALL snakes as poison, you will not get hurt.
Same thing with these people, in order to be safe, you have to ASSUME THE WORST CASE, becaue if you don’t and you are wrong, they may kill you. That has been the case with most of the victims of psychopathic Xs, the women thought “Oh, he would NEVER kill me.”
I just read today in the paper a story here in my state where a man killed his wife of 16 years, tried a pitiful attempt to make it look like suicide, but went to prison for 40 years. I dona’t know all the details of their life together, but the thing is that SHE’s STILL dead.
This isn’t always just a mental game to them, many many times women and men pay WITH THEIR LIVES and you know yours is violent, so please, please, don’t down play this man. Much better to be afraid and wrong than to not be afraid and be wrong when he hurts or kills you.
I know it is difficult to live in fear, and for my own part, I tried to deny and deny that I was IN DANGER, but I was, and it was ONLY THAT FINALLY ACCEPTING THAT HE IS OUT TO KILL ME, that I ran and was safe. It is difficult to accept, because we h ave been the “kicked dog” for so long, but it is time to be CAREFUL now. Don’t give him another chance, the above post is right, it doesn’t matter what the label is, doesn’t matter if he is an adder or a pit viper, HE IS DANGEROUS. (hugs)))
OxDrover…have forgotten nothing especially the beatings and that strangle to near death…but thought that may have been part of the power struggle when i ws still capable of being used and was indeed compliant….So is the information wrong about N’s finding a new source and moving on incorrect? I was reading it as once they can no longer get what they want or when they are finally rumbled they will quickly make a new attatchment and move on to the next victim without looking back.
I was expecting agro Christmas day and was suprised not to have any, today again silence..perhaaps you are right and this is the calm before the storm….Gonna have to think about relocating, its a small town here and its odds on i will see him here and there even if he isnt looking for me.I AM CERTAIN i WILL NEVER GO BACK WOULDNT CARE IF HE CRAWLED ON BROKEN GLASS TO BEG.
Donna and LFers:
Wantd to wish you all a belated Merry XMAS and a Happy New Year.
Donna, you hit the nail on the head for what I felt for so long — numbness and longing. And though I didn’t want to admit it, I still had those same feelings last XMAS with S. Of course, he started the devaluation between XMAS and New Year’s, which I now realize intensified those feelings.
On XMAS Eve I was driving along and I had this fleeting thought — “Last year at this very moment S was calling me while I was driving along this very road.” And then I thought “And look how in a matter of days he systematically demolished you.”
And with that I put S out of my mind. And for the first time I really enjoyed XMAS. I got to catch up with cousins on XMAS Eve at a party. XMAS morning I got to watch my nieces and nephews tear into their gifts from Santa (all still believe).
Last night I looked around the dinner table at my parent’s house at the friends and family who were gathered and laughing and talking and I thought “I am really enjoying myself. For the first time in my life I am really enjoying myself.”
Tonight I’m frantically packing for an early morning flight. I’m going to spend New Year’s on a warm, sunny island with friends. And I keep thinking “After what S did to me last New Year’s I am so looking forward to this New Year’s. Being with friends who want to be with me. Not being bled financially. Not being made to walk on eggshells.”
There’s an old saying “Living well is the best revenge.” I don’t view “living well” as meaning in the financial sense. Rather, I look at where my life is without S in it and how grateful I am for the people in it. And then I think about S’s life — and his bleak, barren interior landscape. And I think about how I am living well. And that is my wish for all of you.
Dear Muldoon,
Sometimes they (Ns or Ps) DO move on to the next victim. BUT, they may also be seeking revenge against you even while they are with the next victim.
My X-BF was dumped by his last GF, and he burned her house to the ground while he was dating me. All the while pretending to be her “friend.” Don’t assume that just because they have a new supply that they didn’t feel that YOU INJURED them, by refusing to let them continue to abuse you.
YOU ARE AN OBJECT TO THEM. Not a human. And if you don’t do what they want you to, you DESERVE to be punished. That is their way of looking at things.
The bottom line is that don’t assume that they might move on and “forget about” you—They blame everything on you if they are not getting what they want (even if his other woman doesn’t make him “happy” it will be YOUR fault.) They are great at blaming others for their problems.
Just don’t ever under estimate him! (((hugs))))
In the beginning of my journey I remember all that “wasted” time spending trying to understand why she could do what she did to her children and I. I guess I needed that time even if it was a waste on her but it wasn’t on me. I think of her less and less as time passes before me. The hate almost gone from me now. If this isn’t enough to be thankful for then what is? I know I came full circle starting with being an broken hurt hateful child be become this graceful loving person I am today. When I was with her I wanted to die (and ask god many times that as soon as my children were 18 to please just come and take me home) but now all I want is to live. I have so much to be graceful for insomuch that my children are doing so much better. One will be 18 next July and the other I still have a few more years before his adult years. I know my s/p or whatever wanted me to die or just leave but I didn’t because I loved my children unconditionally and I know they loved me the same way. I won yes but only because of love and I believe to this day for no other reason. Love is what will bind us together and allow us to struggle thru any hardship in life. There is no other greatest gift then that of LOVE…
Bless you all and lovefruad for being here day after day!
Sincerely James