On this Christmas Day, I am filled with joy, happiness and love. It has nothing to do with Santa Claus being good to me, or the gifts I offered to my husband and family—after all, there is a recession going on, and it has affected us. Rather, I am filled with joy, happiness and love because now, after the sociopath, life is good. In fact, life has never been better.
This is a significant, even miraculous, change for me. In the years before I met my sociopathic ex—from age 20 to 40—I didn’t feel joy, happiness or love. Instead, I was mostly numb. If anything broke through the wall of numbness, it was longing.
Then the sociopath arrived, and promised me what I so desperately wanted—an end to my longing. He said he’d love me forever. He said that once his business plans succeeded—with my financial help, of course—we’d live in “the lap of luxury.” He promised that my dreams would come true, and I believed him.
We all know how that goes.
The magnitude of his betrayal was staggering. I coped as best I could with the legal and financial consequences, but emotionally, all I could do was collapse. It was painful. It was ugly. But as I started to come through my shattered circumstances, I found that what was also shattered was the numbness. And in its place, I felt the beginnings of joy, happiness and love. I felt the spark of life.
As I read the comments on Lovefraud, I see many of you also finding that spark of life. Many of you, progressing in your healing, are rediscovering what you had lost or forgotten, making you vulnerable to the sociopath. You are rediscovering your own inner light.
On this Christmas Day, I am filled with gratitude to all of you who are building the community of healing that Lovefraud has become. It is working. We are recovering. Although we are all at different stages of our journey, I promise you, it is a journey towards joy, happiness and love.
Merry Christmas.
Muldoon:
OxDrover gives good advice. The most dehumanizing moment of truth is when you realize YOU ARE AN OBJECT TO THEM. You mean nothing to them, except as a source of supply.
I have no doubts my ex, S, had his new victim lined up. But, he hadn’t finished bleeding me when I finally realized I had to get out or die and drove the nail into the proverbial coffin of our relationship. He is still skulking around.
I’m smart enough to realize that it ain’t over until he says it’s over. I am still looking over my shoulder everywhere I go. And I realize that in his mind I deserve to be punished for not giving him what he wanted — more and more money to feed his drug habit, indulge his every whimsy, and continue to support the fantasy life he had concocted for himself.
The thing you must learn, as everyone on this site has had to learn, is that not only are you and your S playing by 2 different sets of rules, you are playing two different games. Everyone of our Ss “won” when they said they won. Unbeknownst to them, we win by NC because this is how we retake control of our lives.
Oxdrover Matt…hear you loud and clear, I will heed your advice because on every aspect you have given good advice…Bloody hell, the cheek of him if that is the way he plays it…unlike in the past i will use the full mite of the law against him, also have appointment re restraining order…which I will keep even though all is quiet.
Donna,
I want to echo the thoughts of all of us here. Thank you thank you for having the wisdom & courage to start this site! I know I would not have survived this last year without all the knowledge & support I have gotten from my LF family. It has given me the path to follow for my healing process. That is the best gift I have ever received. Hope all of you have had some semblance of peace this holiday season, & a lot less stress, also.
mY GOD oXDROVER YOU BE RIGHT…WAS THINKING ABOUT THE PAST AND REMEMEBERED WHEN HE WAS WITH THE WOMAN i MENTIONED AFTER TELLING ME HOW HE LOVED HER ETC..HE RANG ME AND WAS KICKING OFF ABOUT MONEY, I SAID SEE THE SLUT…HE WENT WILD SAYING SHE HAD NONE AND ACTING AS IF IT WAS MY FAULT!!!
JUST HEARD HE HAS BEEN TELLING PEOPLE i KINCKED HIM OUT BECAUSE HE WAS NOT GIVING ME ENOUGH SEX!!! tHE LYING SOD, HE KNOWS IT WILL MAKE ME CRINGE AND IT DID…HE ALSO SAYING HE HAD A F*CKED UP CHRISTMAS BECAUSE OF ME.
ITS PARTY SEASON HERE, HE WILL ENJOY IT AND WHEN LIFE IS BACK TO NORMAL I THINK THATS WHEN i WILL HEAR FROM HIM…SORRY NOTICED CAPS LOCKS ON BUT HAVENT TIME TO REWRITE.
Dear Muldoon,
I am glad that you are finally “listening”—but that is the thing, EVERYTHING gets SO CONFUSED and until you have been away from him a while your emotions will go up and down like a roller coaster.
DO NOT TRUST HIM, that is all I can say. TRUST nothing about him.
Their SOLE consideration is CONTROL. Him telling all those lies about you is what we call the “smear campaign”—VERY typical that they go around smearing your name to everyone who will listen.
When you talk to those people, DO NOT BE SUPRISED if he told them that you “KILL AND EAT PUPPIES” Laugh.
Now, when you encounter those people who are “mad” at you because you are a “puppy murderer and horrible person” (and they know this is true CAUSE HE SAID IT, the poor dear) Laugh DO NOT RESPOND TO THEM or try to justify or explain it, or tell them what a sod he is. WHY? Because he has already smeared you so bad with is lies that they will not believe a word you say.
FIRST: Be calm with these people.
SECOND: Respond like, “Oh, that’s what he says does he?”
Then shrug your shoulders and say calmly something along the lines of “You should hear what he says about YOU” and then walk off. Or, if you want to keep your dignity totally intact something along the line of “Well, interesting.” Then walk away. But you must not JADE which means:
J-Justify
A-ARgue
D-Defend
E-Explain
Your real friends who know you will not believe him, and those that do believe him will not be convinced you are not mean and crazy.
That is why you MUST appear calm, even if you are falling apart, you must appear calm. He will appear “calm” in front of the cops or the judges or who ever, he will make you look like the crazy one. I know you are “crazy”—HE DROVE YOU CRAZY (laugh) I WAS CRAZY, they drove me crazy! But we are not mean. Being “Crazy” is a natural and normal response to what they do to us, but people don’t see that, don’t understand that. We would not be normal if we didn’t respond by “becoming crazy”—with dread and fear and anxiety etc.
I suggest that you stay away from people he has talked to as much as possible, AND do NOT give these people any information about you. KEEP YOUR CARDS CLOSE TO YOUR CHEST. Talk about the situation ONLY with people you can trust not to talk to him and give your information away. Your plans. etc.
They will use “dupes” to get information about you, unsuspecting people that can get information about you and convey it to them. While it is really tempting to get angry and shout at him “I’m gonna get a restraining order on you” or something else, keep your mouth shut until you have accomplished it and the cops/courts will announce it to him.
Have as little DIRECT communicaton with him as possible and whatever you do, do not provoke him, no name calling, no threats about what you are going to do.
Unfortunately, while all this was going on, I tipped my hand too much to my son and his buddy and made it worse…so please know that it is best to restrain yourself and keep your plans secret. I also suggest you get your important papers, birth certificates, licenses, medical cards or whatever, and a change of clothes for you and each of your kids, put it in a bag and keep it handy in case you have to flee quickly. Also some cash. HAVE AN ESCAPE PLAN for emergencies.
Also, just in case he catches one of your kids and talks to them, I would not let the kids know anything you don’t want him to know either. Just keep them reassured that you will take care of them. Don’t give them a lot of details, but answer their questions….also, go to the site of Dr. Leedom’s “raising the at risk children” and there are hints there for you too.
I think you are right, he is waiting until after the holidays before he works up enough steam to reattack.
And, BTW, it IS your fault (in his mind) if the OW has no money for him. Laugh–they can sure blame you for EVERYTHING.
He is not yet convinced that you will not take him back, he will think that if he makes more threats, or more threats then “I love you’s” that eventually you will take him back—you always have and he sees no difference this time. He does not believe it is “over” between you two. He just thinks this is a continuation of the “game” and he may get REALLY dangerous when he realizes truly he has LOST CONTROL OVER YOU. So, caution, my friend….caution. ((((hugs))))
I saw Her eat a Kitten Too! And Three French Hens! :)~ LOVE JJ
I see what you mean about the smearing, he always at it…I am laying low till the restraining order actually served upon the no mark.
I am so glad i found you guys, you have given sound advice and the info on this site is as if it was written for me and my situation…its good to chew the cud with people who understand…
He will be filling his boots now till after new year and then no doubt if he hasnt found a better target/source he will rear his ugly head again…
Woke up the early hours of this morning, thought i heard noises out the back but nothing come of it…I am on red alert.
Congrats, Muldoon, that you are getting a restraining order in this creep. Listen to OxD–she is a very smart woman who has been through it all. I hope you keep blogging with us so we can know you’re safe. Now this puppy-munching habit is something we need to talk about……….lol.
Dear Muldoon,
I know it is stressful to stay on “full red alert” but there are times it is good to do so, and when dealing with a psychopath is one of those times. It won’t (I hope and pray for you) be forever but right now, it is okay. My son C is still on “hyperalert” and though I have been working to help him overcome this, he will overcome it when he is ready and when he really “feels safe” and that may be a while yet since one of our psychopaths just got out of prison on parole and is still in our state.
It took me six months after I moved the RV trailer back to the farm and parked it outside my house before I felt “safe” enough to move out of the trailer and back into my house. I KNEW it was not “logical” but I didn’t feel “safe” in the house and I did feel more safe in the trailer. I guess because it was my “hidey hole” that I felt safe in after I moved out of the house for fear they would come in the night and burn the house down on top of my head. I’m not sure what psychological thing was operating and it doesn’t matter, I stayed where I felt safe.
My son fled the state for a year and a half, and he has just recently (a month ago) felt safe enough to move back into the state and come back here to the farm. He is hypervigilant though and noises at night wake him up if they are “different” or if the dogs bark like there is someone outside or whatever.
The other day he was in his room asleep and my dog made a mess and I was shouting at the dog in a mad voice and my son woke up and came barrelling out of his room wondering if I was in danger or something was going on. He was in RED DEFENSE ATTACK MODE.
There is an archived article I wrote about Assessing Risk of Violence on this blog, see if you can do a search for it, search for Risk assessment and see if you can find it. It gives some good information I got from a book about risks of violence in the Psychopaths and other personality disordered people.
I realize because my life WAS at rick, and MAY be again, or may CONTINUE to be as long as my son is alive, I will have some heightened alertness and a bit of paranoia but again, like I told you, “better safe than sorry” AND I am no longer living in TERROR, just CAUTION. Right now you may be in terror, and I am from what you have toldl me about your P, think you have a right to be and right now that’s a good way to be, but you ALSO have to KEEP YOUR HEAD. The Terror will subside, but you will and I think should be ALWAYS CAUTIOUS about this man. He thinks of you as his PROPERTY and will not be happy about losing anything that he OWNS, or thinks he does.
stargazer..im wont talk about the puppy thing on a public forum….never know who is reading this!! LOL
oxdrover how long have you suffered from fear of your psycho? And do you ever see a time coming where you will ever feel totally relaxed again?
Its diabolical to be in fear in your own home, When i woke up yesterday thinking I heard noises, it was terrifying….,.but not as bad as when he wa here and I had to half sleep in case of a attack..I can honestly say i have been sleeeping better than I have in years since he has been gone but i been having stressfull dreams of being hunted and chased….proper scary.