On this Christmas Day, I am filled with joy, happiness and love. It has nothing to do with Santa Claus being good to me, or the gifts I offered to my husband and family—after all, there is a recession going on, and it has affected us. Rather, I am filled with joy, happiness and love because now, after the sociopath, life is good. In fact, life has never been better.
This is a significant, even miraculous, change for me. In the years before I met my sociopathic ex—from age 20 to 40—I didn’t feel joy, happiness or love. Instead, I was mostly numb. If anything broke through the wall of numbness, it was longing.
Then the sociopath arrived, and promised me what I so desperately wanted—an end to my longing. He said he’d love me forever. He said that once his business plans succeeded—with my financial help, of course—we’d live in “the lap of luxury.” He promised that my dreams would come true, and I believed him.
We all know how that goes.
The magnitude of his betrayal was staggering. I coped as best I could with the legal and financial consequences, but emotionally, all I could do was collapse. It was painful. It was ugly. But as I started to come through my shattered circumstances, I found that what was also shattered was the numbness. And in its place, I felt the beginnings of joy, happiness and love. I felt the spark of life.
As I read the comments on Lovefraud, I see many of you also finding that spark of life. Many of you, progressing in your healing, are rediscovering what you had lost or forgotten, making you vulnerable to the sociopath. You are rediscovering your own inner light.
On this Christmas Day, I am filled with gratitude to all of you who are building the community of healing that Lovefraud has become. It is working. We are recovering. Although we are all at different stages of our journey, I promise you, it is a journey towards joy, happiness and love.
Merry Christmas.
Dear Muldoon,
The dreams are “normal” though I know they can be disturbing as well. It is I think your mind tryiing to come to grips with the fear you have, a very real fear I think.
My first P was my biio-father, and I finally got where I was not afraid of him, and he died last year. After a long time of fear he would hunt me down, I finally got to where I was resolved he wouldn’t. I hadn’t seen him in 40+ yrs when he died.
One of my Ps is my son, who is a murderer in prison, he wants out, and came up for parole but was denied, and he keeps hoping he will get out. He hates my bones and I don’t think I will ever be entirely safe from him, but he is in prison so that helps the safey issue as he has to get someone else to come here to harm me, but after 20+ yrs in prison he has lots of “friends” from prison who are as mean and twisted as he is. Plus he will lie to them and tell them if they kill me that he will “inherit 10 millon dollars and he will share with them”–so what are they going to do to him when it turns out to be a lie? Have him arrested? LOL
I doubt that yours will be “violent forever” toward you, but it may take some couple of years before he forgets about you and moves on. In the meantime he will use your kids, destroy your property, or smear campaign you to people everywhere, and attempt to hurt you physicallyy (most likely I think) but YOU must be the guide of yourself, I can only take what you tell us and give you MY IDEA, but it is YOUR LIFE, YOUR CHOICES.
Read here and learn. READ TIL YOU GO BLIND, or at least cross-eyed! Laugh The more you know about psychopaths the more you can know about what he is likely to do. They are so much alike in so many ways and those that are “prone to violence” REMAIN VIOLENT, so all you can do is stay one step ahead and keep yourself safe and away from him, even if that means that you have to go to a safe woman’s shelter,WHATEVER IT TAKES to be safe.
Educating yourself, Muldoon, about these creeps is the best “insurance” you can “buy”—healing, learning why we put up with all this crap for so long is a long hard road, but if we don’t take care of ourselves, love ourselves, who will? The book on here that Dr. Leedom (I think it was) that she reviewed “The Betrayal Bond” about how we stay with the very one that abuses us, and in the case of peopple who have been abused as children (like you described) we tend to pickk partners in the adult years that RECREATE that same abuse, because it “feels right”—when we get a gut full of it though, or realize our lives or safety ar threatened and start to break free, it is difficlt. That’s why so many people go back and back and eventually the sod kills them. (I’m not sure exactly what sod means, but kind of like our SOB I think@....... ha ha) Anyway, Google “trauma bond” and “Stockholm Syndrome” and read about this bond of the victim to the abusers. It sounds crazy or as you might say DAFT but it is a fact.
Learning about them, learning about ourselves, and working on breaking free is our only hope to get a normal life fo rus and our kids. We have to STOP the abuse with this generation. You don’t want your kids to grow up to either be like “daddy” or to pick a man “like daddy” do you? Of course not, so you aren’t just fighting for you you are also fighting for them, and their children and their children. The abuse goes from generation to generation until someone breaks free of it, and raises their children safely and loved and cared for.
I am so proud of you for hanging in here with all that has already gone on the last few days, and the dreams etc.
Is there any way you can get some counseling? From either a therapist or a minister or someone else?
Look for the resources near you. Find a women’s shelter, call and talk to them, and be prepared to meet them somewhere (they won’t tell you the location if they are like the ones here) so that you will already have talked to them in advance. See if they can point you to a counselor for abused people, talk to a barrister (legal adviser), and get your “ducks in a row” before you need to run to a shelter in the middle of the night. BEtter to be prepared than not. Also that will help you focus on yourself and your safety and make you feel like you have some control, rather than just sitting there waiting for his attack which you don’t know when is coming.
I am starting to feel relaxed again, I feel safe in my own home, but I was out for a year, and half that I lived in the trailer beside my house before I could move back in and feel safe. Feeling unsafe does take a toll on you, stress does too.
So be GOOD to yourself. (((hugs)))) and my prayers for your safety and healing and for your kiddos.
Muldoon – congrats on the good work! I was on hyperalert (every creaking sound freaking me out, every car that looked like his near my house making my heart race) for a couple of months into No contact. Yes, as Oxy said – when mine realized I was really gone, he became more aggressive and started harassing and ultimately stalking. He did respond to legal action (a certified letter stating threat of the restraining order if his behavior continued). I didn’t actually follow through and serve it, and I regret that. He stayed away, entirely for 2 months, and I thought I didn’t need to actually issue it, but then started sending cards, and eventually texts (after two months of following my wishes and staying away). I wish I had served the restraining order at the time he was threatening. You are doing the right thing. You will be scared for a while, but it will pass – and he will move on, eventually, when he sees that you are not responding. However, you have a child with him, which means you will likely always be in touch with him. I bet other women on this site, who share children with their ex S (including oxy) can help you with that.
Congrats on your good work, and I am so glad you are with us
Muldoon – I’ve been away from my P for four years, and although I feel ‘safe,’ I’ve never lost the feeling that he might come around so I’m ever alert. I recently heard that he has been stalking his former wife, and she has moved 3 times to get away from him – why she doesn’t just press charges instead of having the police run him off and then moving again, beats me. Like some of them, he’s not one to give up and apparently doesn’t consider his stalking activities a threat to his freedom. If he should ever stalk me again, charges will be filed.
Happy holidays to all of you and may the New Year bring you peace and happiness.
Sparks
Hi all…Dont know whats the matter with me today, managed to be quite upbeat considering th e situation but today woke up feeling anxious, the feeling has been with me all day. I feel a bit would you believe anxious because I havent heard a word from him, which is most unusual. I am starting to wonder if I have had this all wrong because he isnt showing up…I hate not knowing what is going on, I would rather if there is going to be agro that it happens, waiting is awfull….And worse still ebcause he isnt doing anything I have started to miss him or the man I thought he was and sometimes he actually was…I need him to kick off to keep the hatred fuelled…Its been a whole week, the longest in 9 yrs that I have not heard from him, even when he has been gone before and with another woman I heard from him daily…
muldoon: You’re just waffling … which is natural. You are breaking an addiction to a bad relationship that you were in. All that is normal. You will waffle back and forth did he really do this or am I just jumping to conclusions. Keep the NO CONTACT up because you (or any of us) are not equipped to deal with the ultimate of selfish, self centered, self absorbed people in the world … that give you (all of us) nothing but lip service to get what they want, when they want it, from anyone they want “IT” from.
If you came over my house and every time you rang my door bell I opened my door and punched you in the nose … how long would it take you to figure out this is physical abuse and not to come to my house and ring my door bell? NOT LONG. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out this form of abuse. It’s the same with our EXs … even though they aren’t physically abusive to us (you) … their lying, deceit and scamming is abusive. They are the ultimate in selfish behavior of getting what they want, any time they want, with anyone they want at the expense of everyone (including you) IS abusive. It is, yes it is. So stay away and keep the NO CONTACT UP.
If you are so curious to find out what he’s up to … put down some hard earned money and hire a private investigator. The PI will get you the proof of what he’s up to and with how many he is up to no good with.
Peace.
Muldoon,
“And worse still because he isn’t doing anything I have started to miss him or the man I thought he was and sometimes he actually was”I need him to kick off to keep the hatred fueled”Its been a whole week, the longest in 9 yrs that I have not heard from him, even when he has been gone before and with another woman I heard from him daily””
This is normal. You’ve got to get through this. You must get busy. Do things. Commit to activities and organizations. Watch movies and read books you find engrossing. If you can afford a holiday away from home – go!
It will pass, or at least it will decrease in severity. You’re suffering withdrawal from whatever it was that drew you into the unfortunate relationship and kept you there. 9 years is a long time. You’re going to have a much harder time than average, I suspect.
You can do it!!!
Dear Muldoon,
Sweetie, KEEP A PICTURE IN YOUR MIND OF HIM TRYING TO STRANGLE YOU LIKE HE DID BEFORE. Keep a picture in your mind of him BASHING you car, you may not be able to prove it to the police it was HIM, but YOU KNOW.
Keep a picture of him getting the cops to pity HIM when he was using your little girl’s heart as a toy to convince the cops he was a nice guy and YOU WERE CRAZY!
Yes, the “waiting is awful”—but that is just what he is trying to do, MAKE IT AWFUL FOR YOU. I can guarenteeeeeee you he isnot out there pineing for you, he is in the hay with that other gal, and he is plotting what he is going to do to punish you, or hook you back in so he can get close enough to BASH you in the nose.
Like Wini said about “gettingit”—–I’ll add a little bit to her story, if one time I did NOT hit you in the nose when you came to my door and said “Come on in, Muldoon…would you trust me? OF COURSE NOT.
WELL YOU CANNOT TRUST THIS JERK AGAIN. Even a murderer doesn’t murder EVERY DAY….
The “waffling” back and forth and back and forth is a NORMAL part of the healing process. IT IS AN ADDICTION.
Just like if he were heroin or ctack or meth, and you KNOW IT ISN’T GOOD FOr you AND YOU WERE TRYING TO BREAK THE HABIT, after a little while you would start to look back and see the “good feelings” you got, then start to convince yourself you wanted it, it wasn’t ALL that bad after all, and you can handle it…..and so on.
THIS IS AN ADDICTION. Your brain is “hooked” to the drama, the adreniline, and then the “making up” and the “sex” etc.
These things actually release chemicals in your brain that are MORE ADDICTIVE tyan anyting you can find on the street to buy. WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE WAFFLING, COME HERE.
Even at the middle of the night, come here and blog, chances are there will be someone there for you to talk with you.
MULDOON, if you go back to him, this man will eventually KILL YOU. You must get your head around that. He is DANGEROUS, this is a matter of life and death, and ytour children DESERVE A GOOD LIFE and they will NOT have it with him. YOU DESERVE a good life, and you cannot have it with this man.
Do you want to be like your old mother, taking the “occasional clout” from a creep like your father, and worrying about him molesting the grandchildren? Of course not.
Only YOU, muldoon, can stop this life style that has gone on for generations. Stop this NOW, for your children’s sakes.
Hang on Gal, you are doing well, so far! ((((hugs))))) And my prayers are for you and your children!
muldoon: Good thing Oxy repeated the addiction scenario … because our EXs are addicted to taking advantage of others for their own benefit. That’s why they don’t stop … because they are addicted to their bad behaviors. Don’t ever think they don’t know what they do is wrong … they are too addicted to stop on their own.
That’s why they all need to be locked up for a few years and have health professionals wean them off of their bad behavior.
Peace. Thanks Oxy for this thought!
Hear you all loud and clear, but its not stopping the desolation I feel, perhaps i am mourning the end of what was once the greatest love of my life…or so I thought.
I can see the kids miss him, but nobody mentions him at all, now that the hussle or christmas is over I cannot stop thinking of him.
my heart feels as if someone has torn it and twisted in and still are….Gonna get rip roaring drunk as soon as the kids are in bed..I feel isolated and lonely and its doing my head in…sorry to be posting such down sh*t….just feel down.
muldoon: We’ve all been exactly where you are right now. Sorry, there is no quick fix to this … we don’t have a magic wand that we can wave over you and say “poof, you’re comfortability with staying with your EX can just disappear. It doesn’t work like that … just as you feel into love with him … you are now working your way out of the falling in love period. It feels odd at first … but that is what you are doing … training yourself not to have those feelings for him anymore.
If he were good for you … you wouldn’t have joined this site. Your mind is forgetting all the awful things he did to you in past years and past episodes … that is natural for you to want to keep the good (or what you perceived was good and throw away all the ugly bad) … except, deep down inside of you … you remember what he did … you just want to erase the bad stuff out and go with your illusion of what you thought he could be or what his potential could be, or what you two could have had. If it were real … you would have had it!
It’s OK to waffle … you’ll go through the waffling period for a few months … until about March or the end of March. Don’t be afraid of the waffling. Just know that it is part of you breaking the habit of him being in your life.
Peace. NO CONTACT with him whatsoever, cause he will suck you right back in … and then you will be back to square one again in the future … because you can’t change his selfish ways … not even him on his own can change the addiction he has to being selfish self absorbed, self centered. If you think you have a big hurdle to jump through … imagine him giving up his selfish ways? LOL.
Peace to your heart and soul while you go through this bumpiest of rides.