By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
One of my favorite quotes from Dr. Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning came to mind today. Dr. Frankl wrote his book after spending time in a Nazi concentration camp during WWII. He lost his wife, his family and most of his friends. His book was not just another list of the atrocities done by the Nazis, but a look at the emotional toll taken by the hopeless situations in the camps and how different people responded differently. I learned a lot from this book, and I highly recommend it for those who have suffered “hopeless” situations.
“We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation—just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer—we are challenged to change ourselves.”
Over the past few years, as my age and “decrepitude” creeps up on me and I am no longer able to do the more active things I used to do, sometimes I get so frustrated I could scream! I want to be out galloping across the fields on my horse ”¦ I can almost feel the wind in my hair as the horse moves beneath me.
The truth is, though, I’m sitting here with my leg up after surgery to replace my Achilles tendon. Though it is probable that I will be able to walk again, probably with a limp, I am never going to be running freely or galloping my horse across the pasture. I am no longer, as the above quote says, “able to change the situation.” I will continue to get older and less able to do the things I did in my youth. That is just the cycle of life, and no matter how I wish I could be young again, have the young, supple body I did then, those days are gone by.
My son, the psychopath
There are a lot of things in my life that are not what I wish they were. I can’t change these things. They just are what they are. One of my sons is a psychopath who is bent on killing me, or having someone kill me, if he can, and especially before my mother passes away, because that would give him some financial advantages that would not be possible were I to out-live her.
Patrick was one of the brightest, most lovable little boys I ever knew in my life. He loved to fish and fly kites and play with the farm animals and our pets. He was a standout at school, and the teachers and other kids loved him. Plus, he was cute as a doggone button. He was unusually responsible as a pre-teen and I really enjoyed being around him.
When he hit the “terrible teens,” though, I was frustrated beyond belief that I couldn’t get him to continue to be the kind of kid that had charmed his friends and his teachers. It happened suddenly, almost overnight. It seemed that he morphed into this teen-aged monster. Somehow I had to change what was happening to him. I had to save him before he did something that would ruin his bright life of the future. What college would accept him, or give him a scholarship, with a criminal record?
Then the next thing I know he was in prison for a felony. I couldn’t give up though. People had found Jesus in prison, and maybe he could get out and go to college anyway, and “straighten out.” I couldn’t believe it was hopeless.
Accepting the situation
But it was hopeless, because my son, my beloved son, Patrick, is a psychopath. No one can force anyone to change if they don’t want to. That is the hardest thing for the rest of us to accept: There is nothing we can do to help the person we love(d) stop hurting us or others. There is nothing we can do with the situation except accept it, and find meaning in our lives in spite of what it has cost us to be involved with a psychopath.
I also dated a man who I believe is high in psychopathic traits after my husband died. I was extremely needy and vulnerable to someone looking for a new “respectable wife” to cheat on, and I think that was what he had in mind. Breaking up with him was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. I cried for months.
Accepting that my son is a psychopath and wants me dead, and accepting that the man I hoped to spend the rest of our lives together with was a cheat, a drunk, and not to be trusted, is all part of what I cannot change any more than I can change that I am 65 years old and not up to, and will never be up to, doing the things I have done in my youth!
Stages of life
Psychologist Erik Erikson’s “stages” of life is one of those interesting concepts that actually is quite simple. I am in the “integrity versus despair” stage of my life. This is the early end of “old age,” in which I, as entering old age, must review my life.
- This phase occurs during old age and is focused on reflecting back on life.
- Those who are unsuccessful during this stage will feel that their life has been wasted and will experience many regrets. The individual will be left with feelings of bitterness and despair.
- Those who feel proud of their accomplishments will feel a sense of integrity. Successfully completing this phase means looking back with few regrets and a general feeling of satisfaction. These individuals will attain wisdom, even when confronting death.
Now I can’t say that I can look back entirely without some regrets, or without feeling that I might have done some things better, but I have made peace with those regrets. I don’t view every mistake I have made as “worthless,” because I have learned from those mistakes.
Mostly I am accepting me as what I am. I am working on finding that wisdom that Erikson talks about. Working on finding dignity and peace in what is left of my life. Not giving in to despair about things I cannot change. I would change Patrick if I could, but I can’t. That’s just the way things are. I am not going to hold out unreasonable hope and then feel despair because I can’t achieve that unrealistic hope of “escape” from the emotional bondage of loving my son. I have accepted and I have “escaped,” and I will live free from unreasonable expectations.
C’queen, that was what I figured but just had to ask. Thanks.
Ox Drover, Your article is a blessing to me, given circumstances of my own, and my present state of mind. Most grateful to you, for sharing it. Many thanks ~
RadarOn, if I could reach out and hug you tight, I would do it. OxD’s experiences have been a tremendous help to me in dealing with my eldest son. He was diagnosed as “Borderline Personality Disorder Cluster B” and is 100% spath. His father was an abusive, violent spath, so he probably didn’t have a hope of growing up as “normal.” The abusive dynamics in our “family” made a huge impact on his predisposition to be spath, and reconciling the beautiful (he really was) infant and child that he was with the spath adult that he is was the hardest thing I’ve ever done up to that point of my life.
I blamed myself, accepted blame from others, and it took some time for me to process the awful truths about what my son is. He nearly choked his first preganant wife to death and abused her badly enough so that she chose to terminate her pregnancy. I don’t know anything about what happened in his second marriage, but it was also doomed from the beginning. He broke his own wrists so that he would be “excused” from combat and collects a lovely disability income from the military. He forged military documentation to paint himself as a decorated combat veteran – even going so far as to claim a combat injury that never happened. He has abused steroids to become “a beast” in bodybuilding. He has deliberately scarred his face to give a more menacing facade. He is violent, abusive, and manipulative. He is a liar, a cheat, a thief, and violently abusive against women – he hates women.
Since my youngest son, “Mike,” has come to live with me, the eldest son has been playing cat-and-mouse with Mike’s emotions. Because Mike is an adult, I can’t very well “forbid” him from contacting his older brother, and he has done this on a very frequent basis. Sadly, he does this when he’s feeling desperate or sad, and Mike’s brother often won’t answer his phone.
Accepting that my eldest son was not a candidate, on any level, for human redemption was a horse-pill to swallow. I didn’t want to believe that truth. I wanted a loving “family” that spent holidays together, called on birthdays, and shared in triumphs and tragedies. I wanted a family. And, it just isn’t going to happen.
DNA does not make “family.” I have learned that truth through bitter experiences. Marriage vows do not create “family.” “Family” are those people who encourage, support, and love us wihout demands or conditions. “Family” are those people who accept our love without an agenda.
Whenever I read (or, hear) about a parent whose child has jumped their rails and is clearly toxic, I am so saddened for them. It is a painful process to accept the truths and facts as they are and most parents NEVER “get it” and continue to enable a child that clearly exhibits sociopathic tendencies. What they mean to be as “helpful” actually translates as willful enabling and pathological denial simply because the Truth That Jr/JrEtte cannot be saved is more painful than being manipulated and abused by their own offspring.
My most brightest and comforting blessings to you
Dear Truthspeak, and Ox Drover…Thank you for your kind words and words of wisdom and encouragement, many hugs back to you! The things that we have lived through, and survived, I think “normal” people only have nightmares about! (LOL!, but then again…define normal?) I do appreciate this forum “family” immensely, and have gleaned much insight from everyone here. Really don’t have any out-lets to talk about experiences with, most people in my “circle” are kind, and listen…however, cannot relate. Truthspeak, my heart goes out to you and your sons as well. You said: “Accepting that my eldest son was not a candidate, on any level, for human redemption was a horse-pill to swallow. I didn’t want to believe that truth. Agreeing with you, I have to come to these terms as well. Having to accept my son, “is what it is”…until he chooses to make changes in his life. Yes, acceptance can be most challenging on many levels! Thank you, Truthspeak. Thank you, Joyce. Wishing you the best
Thank you Ox Drover for your wonderful and informative post.
You meantioned “left brain and the right brain of the psychopath don’t communicate and they don’t have ANY idea what emotions we will feel.” Can you please elaborate further on what you’ve learned regarding the brain of a spath?
Finding truth,
In Dr. Robert Hare’s book “Without Conscience” (and I strongly suggest you get a copy and read it, they are cheap and available on used books on Amazon.com) he talks about how a psychopath’s brain doesn’t communicate the way normal brains do on emotions.
His examples are a psychopathic mother says “of course I LOVE MY KIDS” BUT she doesn’t feed or care for them.
Another example of my own in working with young adults (in patient medical mental health facilities) who are high in psychopathic traits is one will try to stab or hit you and do you serious harm, then five minutes later they will have their arms around your shoulders telling you how much they care about you. They don’t “get it” that when they try to do you bodily harm that 5 minutes later you are not going to “be their best friend.”
My son, on one occasion when I was visiting him in prison and he was trying to convince me to do something fo rhim that I did not want to do and he was going on about “but mommm, what would Jezzzus do?” and when that didn’t work, he stopped that and looked at me with a Charlie Manson look of evil in his eyes and said “You wouldn’t like me very much if you knew hhow bad my crime (murder) really was, it was worse than the cops even knew” Then when I didn’t respond to that, with fear or whatever it was he was trying to accomplish, he IMMEDIATELY went back to the “but mommmm, what would Jezussss do?”
He did not get it that there was any thing in the two approaches that would have been an incongruity.
They don’t get it that saying “I hate you, I want to kill you” one minute and then “oh, I lovvvvve you” the next minute is not normal communication/interaction.
I hope that answers your question, finding truth. Robert Hare’s book is a great place to start on learning about psychopaths. “The Sociopath Next door” is another good book on learning about psycho/sociio-paths in our society. Not all of them are “criminals” but may be the man next door, the teacher iin your kid’s school, the minister at your church. The judge you face in family court. The cop that stops you for running a stop sign.
They are everywhere, and especially like positions of power. Learning how to spot them will help you. Most of them are difficult to spot unless you spend considerable time with that person. Knowledge is power though,, and the more we learn, the more powerful we become. God bless.
Thank you, Ox Drover. I get it now! 🙂
When we bought a house and were ready to sign the final documents, he told me I just took up space in his life, that he didn’t know if he could be faithful, etc. and then, when I grabbed my keys and purse to leave, he broke my fingers, smashed my toe and dislocated my wrist. Not two minutes later he was grabbing me to kiss me and telling me how much he loved me. I did leave, went to my son’s for the weekend. He sent me 18 emails telling me how much he loved me. I saved them and came across the other day. This scenario applies to what you noted above.
You have such insight into this and I appreciate your comments! Some day my head and heart will be in the same place, understanding that he isn’t real.
I did buy “Without Conscience” a few days ago and plan to read it soon!
Findingtruth,
“When people SHOW you what they are, BELIEVE them.”
I’m not sure which wise person said that, but it is so true. If people hurt you and then the next second tell you they love you, and then hurt you again….rinse and repeat. You must believe what they DO not what they say.
My son doesn’t bother trying to con me any more, he knows I know what he is, but he does con my egg donor. She FORGETS that he is a cold blooded killer who put a gun to a 17 year old girl’s head and pulled the trigger without remorse. She falls for the con, the fantasy. She would rather have the fantasy grandson than her real grandsons and her real daBECAUSE THEY AREughter. She has sold her soul for a “mess of pottage” like Esau in the Bible story.
Finding truth,, DON’T EVER FOR GET THOSE BROKEN FINGERS, AND DONT EVER BELIEVE THOSE “I LOVE YOUS”
It was Maya Angelou. “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them”. One of my very favorite quotes…