By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
One of my favorite quotes from Dr. Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning came to mind today. Dr. Frankl wrote his book after spending time in a Nazi concentration camp during WWII. He lost his wife, his family and most of his friends. His book was not just another list of the atrocities done by the Nazis, but a look at the emotional toll taken by the hopeless situations in the camps and how different people responded differently. I learned a lot from this book, and I highly recommend it for those who have suffered “hopeless” situations.
“We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation—just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer—we are challenged to change ourselves.”
Over the past few years, as my age and “decrepitude” creeps up on me and I am no longer able to do the more active things I used to do, sometimes I get so frustrated I could scream! I want to be out galloping across the fields on my horse ”¦ I can almost feel the wind in my hair as the horse moves beneath me.
The truth is, though, I’m sitting here with my leg up after surgery to replace my Achilles tendon. Though it is probable that I will be able to walk again, probably with a limp, I am never going to be running freely or galloping my horse across the pasture. I am no longer, as the above quote says, “able to change the situation.” I will continue to get older and less able to do the things I did in my youth. That is just the cycle of life, and no matter how I wish I could be young again, have the young, supple body I did then, those days are gone by.
My son, the psychopath
There are a lot of things in my life that are not what I wish they were. I can’t change these things. They just are what they are. One of my sons is a psychopath who is bent on killing me, or having someone kill me, if he can, and especially before my mother passes away, because that would give him some financial advantages that would not be possible were I to out-live her.
Patrick was one of the brightest, most lovable little boys I ever knew in my life. He loved to fish and fly kites and play with the farm animals and our pets. He was a standout at school, and the teachers and other kids loved him. Plus, he was cute as a doggone button. He was unusually responsible as a pre-teen and I really enjoyed being around him.
When he hit the “terrible teens,” though, I was frustrated beyond belief that I couldn’t get him to continue to be the kind of kid that had charmed his friends and his teachers. It happened suddenly, almost overnight. It seemed that he morphed into this teen-aged monster. Somehow I had to change what was happening to him. I had to save him before he did something that would ruin his bright life of the future. What college would accept him, or give him a scholarship, with a criminal record?
Then the next thing I know he was in prison for a felony. I couldn’t give up though. People had found Jesus in prison, and maybe he could get out and go to college anyway, and “straighten out.” I couldn’t believe it was hopeless.
Accepting the situation
But it was hopeless, because my son, my beloved son, Patrick, is a psychopath. No one can force anyone to change if they don’t want to. That is the hardest thing for the rest of us to accept: There is nothing we can do to help the person we love(d) stop hurting us or others. There is nothing we can do with the situation except accept it, and find meaning in our lives in spite of what it has cost us to be involved with a psychopath.
I also dated a man who I believe is high in psychopathic traits after my husband died. I was extremely needy and vulnerable to someone looking for a new “respectable wife” to cheat on, and I think that was what he had in mind. Breaking up with him was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. I cried for months.
Accepting that my son is a psychopath and wants me dead, and accepting that the man I hoped to spend the rest of our lives together with was a cheat, a drunk, and not to be trusted, is all part of what I cannot change any more than I can change that I am 65 years old and not up to, and will never be up to, doing the things I have done in my youth!
Stages of life
Psychologist Erik Erikson’s “stages” of life is one of those interesting concepts that actually is quite simple. I am in the “integrity versus despair” stage of my life. This is the early end of “old age,” in which I, as entering old age, must review my life.
- This phase occurs during old age and is focused on reflecting back on life.
- Those who are unsuccessful during this stage will feel that their life has been wasted and will experience many regrets. The individual will be left with feelings of bitterness and despair.
- Those who feel proud of their accomplishments will feel a sense of integrity. Successfully completing this phase means looking back with few regrets and a general feeling of satisfaction. These individuals will attain wisdom, even when confronting death.
Now I can’t say that I can look back entirely without some regrets, or without feeling that I might have done some things better, but I have made peace with those regrets. I don’t view every mistake I have made as “worthless,” because I have learned from those mistakes.
Mostly I am accepting me as what I am. I am working on finding that wisdom that Erikson talks about. Working on finding dignity and peace in what is left of my life. Not giving in to despair about things I cannot change. I would change Patrick if I could, but I can’t. That’s just the way things are. I am not going to hold out unreasonable hope and then feel despair because I can’t achieve that unrealistic hope of “escape” from the emotional bondage of loving my son. I have accepted and I have “escaped,” and I will live free from unreasonable expectations.
Finding meaning in life from tragedy is like finding one’s self. Both a misnomer. We are the one’s that give meaning to ourselves. We may accept what others think of us. Or decide for ourselves. But the choice is always ours to make. Same with any tragedy.
The spath either stole your life or showed some weakness that need to be strengthened. Just depends on how we choose to see it. With the fact that we “choose” what it means being an important part of the process.
We have a choice in how we feel, what we think, to be happy etc. It’s all in how and what we choose. It’s our main job.
The spath event can mean anything we want it to mean. Hopefully soon you’ll feel stronger, happy, not a survivor but that you overcame it — a Victor. The terminator – You crushed that event into one hell of a great life. So dance.
In the end it is always our choice.
My 2 Cents
T
Fantastic! what profound wisdom. Thank you for putting what you have, in writing for all of us to take in, spoon.
shane
Hi,
Thanks for the kind words.
“Reality is Plastic” [Not my phrase]
In life as far as we know, we all start off with only 2 fears. Fear of falling and loud noises. All the other fears we must learn. And the killer of “choice” is “Limiting beliefs and fears.” All that crap, we came to learn that locks us into, the graveyard of “No Choice.”
The old saying, “Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for a life time.” – is widely known. When I first heard it I thought WOW. Then one day it hit me, it’s a half truth. The part that is left out? Does he have the ability to choose. To a man that is full of limiting beliefs, being taught to fish will do him little to no good. He’ll know how to catch fish. But he will probably not act upon it. Why, limiting beliefs. He believes he has “No Choice” – I’m a loser, nothing ever works out for me..a long list.- Add the wisdom of Anais Nin “We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are.”- And he’ll most likely just go back to begging, stealing or whatever he was doing before he was taught to fish.
“No Choice”
I’m unlovable. My life is not complete without a partner. I can’t “X.” “Love trauma” a fear twisted into an illusion of love. A compulsion/addiction that was learned. Which gives a whole new meaning to we can’t live without them and we can’t live[survive] with them. I don’t deserve. I’ll be “X” when “Y” happens. A few examples of limiting beliefs that those that are coming out of a spath event may be facing. The present of limiting beliefs makes it hard to see that there are choices.
According to University of California psychology professor Sonja Lyubomirsky, “happy people tend to have very similar experiences to unhappy people. The difference is unhappy people spend nearly twice as much time ruminating over disappointments than happy people.” I’ll disagree with her wording. Happy and unhappy people have similar “events” in their lives. But different “experiences.” The thing that happy people have is the ability to choose what the event means. [Event plus meaning gives us our experience] They are not locked into limiting beliefs which create “No Choice.” To take this a little further happy people see life as a process, a flow, not as an ending. The process is always moving them to be happy. And this is something they have learned to do.
The “Power of Choice” is an important power to have.
And fixing the problem doesn’t work.
My 2 Cents
T
Joyce – you are an incredible woman.
I was very moved and impressed with your incredible level of strength and courage.
The triumph in your life is obvious. You have faced your demons and made peace. Few are able to do this.
For some reason, I am seeing you galloping across your meadow on that fine stead…in time my friend, in time.
Peace and blessings to you always.
SPOON, I want to compliment you on the WISDOM of your post above….that is some mighty good insight.
Hope52, thank you…right now Ii am “riding” a knealing scooter or a rolling office chair or a pair of crutches for the next few weeks until I am out of the cast and into a walking boot, but “mentally” I am feeling brighter and more upbeat. The weather is wonderful where I am, perfect FALL weather, not to hot and not too cool…so am taking advantage of it as much as I can by being outside and doing some fun things. Getting out and socializing more, or just sitting outside in my yard in the shade and reading.
I HAVE come a long way from the summer of 2007 when I was “crazy as a sheet house rat” from stress and fear….and there have been times in the last year when I have “back slid” into fear and anxiety, but life is a daily event and so is healing, and we have changes that we have to cope with from birth to death and we have to face those changes and challenges.
What spoon wrote above your post is so right on! GOOD STUFF!
I have “known how to fish” (professionally) for a long time, but I DID NOT FISH. Just as I KNEW THAT SMOKING WAS BAD FOR ME and I advised my patients to stop smoking, but I continued to smoke….and a lot of other bad life style choices that I made, while advising my patients not to make those same choices.
My egg donor used to call me the ULTIMATE HYPOCRITE and she was right….and I told her so, but said “at least I get PAID for being a hypocrite”–which was also true. But I FINALLY took my knowledge of “how to fish” and APPLIED it to my life.
I quit smoking. I started eating more healthy, and lost some weight, and other HEALTHY CHOICES.
I also started learning to set boundaries and to enforce them where people around me were concerned. I quit being a DOOR MAT and quit being a VOLUNTEER VICTIM even though it was trained into me from birth. Just like I had watched my family smoke cigarettes and I smoked as soon as I could lay hands on cigarettes, and just as I watched my family behave in dysfunctional ways…but I DID LEARN TO FISH, along life’s road, and NOW I AM FISHING….fishing for myself.
We are all in the SAME BOAT…we have been “bitten” by a psychopath, but it is up to us whether we continue to stick our hands in their mouths again, or allow them to remain close enough to us to bite us again.
Just as being bitten by one snake and getting away from it doesn’t exempt us from being bitten by another snake in another place, but it is a good LESSON for us…that maybe we should A) stay away from snakes B) stay away from areas where snakes might be likely to be and C) carry a stick!
Ox
Thanks for the compliment. The understanding about the fishing adage hit me one day during a discussion about politics, the poor and stuff. The guy quoted the saying and a light went off. The poor had a bigger problem beyond teaching them to fish. They needed the desire to fish for themselves. Later I came to see that it was limiting beliefs and the ability to see that there are choices as 2 important factors that went to what the bible calls a spirit of lack.
The smoking is a good example. Ye O’l hypocrite. And most of us are in some areas in our lives. Nice to hear you got that taken care of.
It’s all just information until we use it.
‘Bitten.” Yeah. But most that get bitten do so because they have many issues which leads them to see the snake as a good thing. It’s not blame. Just the reality of the situation. Nobody is broken. They are just trying to do what they can do. Try and fix the problem. And the problem is these issues can’t be fixed.
I figured someone would have jumped all over the statement “fixing the problem doesn’t work” that I wrote up above.
I like: C) carry a stick!…..and apply repeatedly.
My 2 Cents
T
Yea, Spoon, “apply repeatedly.”
I was talking to a diabetic patient one day, desperately trying to get her to limit what she ate, and to adjust WHEN she ate as well as how much, and what KINDs of foods she ate, etc. and she was NOT HEARING ME I could tell.
I was very frustrated that she was not listening to my teaching lecture/discussion and then finally she SCREAMED at me.
“I don’t want to hear about all that, just GIVE ME MORE INSULIN so I can EAT WHAT I WANT TO!!!”
And while I was sitting there so self righteously thinking how that patient wasn’t willing to alter her life style in order to be more healthy, I decided to go get a cigarette! LOL ROTFLMAO
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. LOL
Motivating people not only to LEARN what they need to know, but to USE IT TO ACTIVELY CHANGE their lives is a big problem in health care, sociology and in many different aspects of our society as a whole.
It is difficult to get a kid to learn his multiplication tables or to think about getting a high school education so he can get a job and support himself when he can look out his school window and see kids 15 year old drop outs making hundreds of dollars a day selling dope on the street corners who are living EXCITING lives, FUN lives.
Doing what is “right” or what is “good” or what is the thing we ought to do isn’t always much fun, or excitiing, but in the end it is more beneficial I think than taking the other road. I thought that for my son to finish high school, then college and then get a job iin some exciting field would have been the best road for him to take, but HE DIDN’T BELIEVE THAT. He had no wish to delay gratification at all, and he wanted HIGH RISK, HIGH EXCITEMENT daily fare, not books and study. Robbing and stealing was more FUN and he wasn’t concerned about the future at all. MY idea of what he should do was not HIS idea. I was unable to get him to see my point of view. Well, what I foretold happened, he got involved in a “life of crime” got felony records, prison time, and then eventually killed a girl and has lived all but maybe 12 months of his adult life (since age 18) in prison (he’ll be 42 in the spring) when if he had taken my advice, finished high school, then college, he could have been filthy rich by now with his talents and IQ and been living the HIGH LIFE with all kinds of benefits. Instead he is in prison. Just another convict. But he doesn’t see that really, he still sees himself (BELIEVE IT OR NOT!) as a SUCCESS! LOL
Ox
And keep repeating until you think you’ve got it right. Then at least 2 more times just to make sure.
Hahaha. Always laugh when I go by a hospital and see them all huddled together puffing away. Even funnier when it’s freezing outside. Cigarette smoke always stops me up. So it was never a choice. I’m lucky that way.
Yep hard to get a kid to do what is good for them. The kid has a choice in what happens. If they are happy, healthy, taking care of themselves and not in prison then I always see it as a job well done.
Got a cousin that has spent his whole life in and out of prison. The strange part is he wasn’t mean. Never physically hurt anyone. Only stole from big companies or wealthy people. And most everybody likes him. If you asked him for anything he had. He’d gladly give it to you. The town he was from use to throw a party every time he got out. He told me one time that prison felt more like home then any place he had ever been. Nothing anyone can do.
“fixing the problem doesn’t work”
T
Spoon, a friend of miine has a son like your cousin, in fact, he just got out of prison recently and stayed clean a week or two then she took him back to turn himself in….he does fine in prison, but not on the outside. It is a shame. I knew him when he was a child and I loved him. Cute sweet kid. Now a thief and a junkie.
His mother suffers…she can’t let go. She keeps praying for a miracle. I did too. But now I know that no matter how hard you pray that someone will change their ways, they HAVE FREE WILL…and even God won’t MAKE someone change. We have OPPORTUNITIES but He won’t force us to act better. Even Judas had a free will….and Jesus loved Judas but He didn’t make him change.
Peter had free will and he denied Christ, but PETER repented and changed of his OWN FREE WILL, no one made him repent.
I think having FREE will over our choices…even the bad ones we made, should make us realize that when we ALLOW continued abuse…the thing is CONTINUED abuse from someone then we are the ones who need to do some changing.
Sometimes that abuse is we allow ourselves to abuse ourselves like me with the smoking. I abused myself. I finally chose to STOP abusing myself. I have also chosen to stop allowing others to abuse me. Wish I’d made these changes sooner, but I didn’t. But we can’t go back and undo what we did or didn’t do. We have to look forward and move forward from where we are today.
God bless.
Ox
Yes it can frustrate the love one’s. The family acted as if what he did was normal. Can’t speak for his parents they where gone before I was born. That was just him and that was OK.
He showed up at my house one night about 6 months after he was put back in prison for stealing a fleet of Roustabout rigs [oil]. Asked if he could stay the night. Made some phone calls, took a shower and to bed. He woke me up with breakfast made. Homemade biscuits, gravy – the works. Then cleaned it all up and left. Showed backup the next night same thing. He left that morning and never showed again. About 3 months later a Texas Ranger shows up and asks if he had been here. Yes. TR – well you where harboring a fugitive. I said got me, ain’t my job to keep him in prison. Besides how could I know if you had released him. TR laughed and said no big deal. Just checking his story. He was at the minimum security at Big Springs but did like it and wanted to be transferred to a maximum. TR goes on that they never put out an APB for him. They knew he’d be back. And he turned himself in the next day after he left my house. Got 5 more years added to his sentence and his wish of maximum.
Free will does make it messy. You can do whatever you like but so can I. And we have a tendency to do what we want to do and have expectation that don’t met our actions. When it all goes awry well somebody should fix this. Like the lady – GIVE ME MORE INSULIN.
Go back and undo.. sure would make it easy to clean this stuff up. Also we can’t start where we want to be. We can only begin where we are. Plus the other thing that can be annoying you can’t get away from yourself. Every where you go there you are. I mean really no vacation time.
“fixing the problem doesn’t work”
Take care
T