When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
Hey homeys,
What is up with all these YOUNG guys hitting on me? 27, 29, 34……Part of me wants to….but I just can’t after what happened with the last boy. I’m still hurting over that. Like Matt said, I have to really ask myself what I want in a relationship. A quick fling is NOT it. So is this some kind of a test or something? Suddenly, they are all throwing themselves at me. And they are all so sweet and charming. There’s one that looks just like Toby McGuire. He is 34. It’s so sad to walk away from these guys. But I have to tell you if one comes along that looks like Johnny Depp, I’m a goner. It’s sad, but that is a part of my past. Maybe a part I never really embraced because when I was in my 20’s I always had a serious bf who was 10 years older or more. The timing is just so wrong right now because I want a serious relationship. I’m also still hurt by the boy from September, for those who remember the story. Oh, and I am 49.
At least I have arrived at the point where I’d prefer someone my own age. My midlife crisis must be coming to an end.
Wistfully,
Star
newlife08:
Yeah I am content – as proven by the 15 pounds I have put on in the last 5 months. Guess I could try to blame it on Nexium, but I guess there is some truth to the saying “fat and happy”. Now if I could just solve that pesky unemployment problem…
Stargazer:
Become a cougar — it is the latest rage.
Been there, done that. Got burned. Next idea?
LOL Matt, I recently met a couple of guys who are in my age range that I actually found attractive. They groom themselves, stay fit but aren’t fanatical, are very interesting, genuine, funny and down to earth. Gay.
I swear, to say I’ve had bad luck with men is like saying the Titanic had bad luck with an iceberg. XD
Matt,
Employment is highly overrated. ***coughcoughhatesherjobcough***
Love,
Star
Stargazer:
When I used to hear women say all the good ones were either taken or gay, I kept asking myself where the hell the ones who played on my team were hiding. All I kept meeting were N/S/Ps.
Apparently, you found the one who isn’t! Do you really think there’s a higher incidence of N/S/P in the gay community?
Star,
Well girl, first of all take for all it is worth….No, I am not saying to go for the fling..LOl. But let it sink in. Feel good about yourself. Embrace the flattery BUT not the guy.
I loved my 30’s but actually my 40s was my favorite “decade” of my life…I just didn’t KNOW it until it was over 🙁
It wasn’t that good things happened in my 40’s necessarily. They didn’t. But my lifes experience and what I did with them up to this point, I finally arrived to a place where I felt really comfortable in my own skin.
Maybe I reflected so much more on what was most important in life. Lots of soul searching. Like you are doing.
Ever since I turned 50 it has been downhill from there! The body changes…Ugh. I am thin but everything goes south regardless…. The skin, the hair….Its all something to maintain now….None of it comes naturally like before…
I wish someone had told me….Enjoy it while you got it. So I’m telling you…..Enjoy it. That flattery….It will make you a more confident person when you meet Mr Right. (who is of course close to your own age)
I wish I could enjoy it, witsend. I am still hurt by the fling with the young guy friend from September (who I knew for a few years). I’m having a hard time with this one, because it was more than just rejection, it was humiliation along with it (when he never called me again). I hate the way some guys can do that, especially the young ones. I will be 50 in one year. I’ve now had 2 people tell me that it’s all downhill after 50. So I have one year to enjoy attention from men and then it’s over I guess. And I’m not really enjoying it all that much because it’s so bittersweet. Where were the 27 year-olds when I was 27?
Anyway, they seem so young. They all want to text and instant message. I don’t even own a cell phone. And whenever I read text speak–or whatever you call it–it makes me want to pluck my eyeballs out.