When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
Twice Betrayed
grrrrrr…..meant to say sky….hate these laptop keys!
amber
PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH SKYLAR!! My best friend used to say he had a bobble head!!!! Oh my god wait till I tell her, she’s going to crack up!! His head was HUGE!!! In appearance and in grandious thoughts! I guess they would have to be so big to store all the bad thoughts?!?!?!
skylar
oh,no my horoscope doesn’t bode well….
Persons may enter your life who have a very powerful effect upon your mind and emotions, almost as if they have a magical hold over you. No matter how you strive to escape their influence, you seem to be held by an invisible thread. Such people may be holding onto you by a subconscious complex, taking advantage of a weakness or fear within you and using this knowledge to coerce you. They may even be doing this quite inadvertently; their knowledge may be as subconscious as the complex within you that gives them the power. It is important that you learn what part of you is giving someone this power. Do not blame the other person, no matter how culpable he or she seems. Through apparent power struggles with others you will uncover your weaknesses and learn how to deal with them.
skylar
Ah ha!
So far, it’s true. Their heads ARE larger. Noticably larger. this could be an important clue! Little children’s heads are larger in proportion to their bodies…
amber
Mine also had an eating disorder?!?! Anybody else’s have an eating disorder?? And was diagnosed with ADHD. To this day I believe that was a wrong diagnosis. I know he’s Bipolar. So he was Bipolar, drug addict, Sociopath, with an eating disorder and a huge head!! God, what did I see in that AHOLE!!! LOL Oh it’s all so easy to see in retrospect.
Ox Drover
Dear Amber,
MANY Ps are ALSO bi-polar and ADHD, and when they have all 3 it is a BAD COMBINATION. None of these are exclusive so they can have 1, 2 or all 3 or even more diagnoses.
BTW, I loved being in 20s, 30s and 40s, and 50s, and and in manyw ays I loved each decade as it brought something new and exciting to my life. I’m in my 60s now (63 in december) and you know what, 60s rock too! I am now free to be ME and not worry if my hair is “perfect” or my skin perfect or whatever. Sure I would like to look and feel like I did when I was 30, or 40 but you know what, I’m OK where I am and am learning to love the skin I am in. I am learning to be a ROCKING old lady and it is FUN! I can flirt outrageously with the young guys and they love it and no one is ever offended, and I can dress how I like and still be cool, it is just wonderful really!
Oh, and guys, I got me another NEW HAT, it is a tan “Montana Peak” hat sort of like smokey the bear wears, but curled a little around the edge of teh brim, and is made of genuine beaver felt, and hand made by one of the premier living history hat makers! It has a string to hold it on when I ride the donkeys and my sons say it is “really me” so yipee for old ladies! Outrageous old ladies! Are you in Gem? LOL
Ps. I have not been able to get through to Lily, she is not answering her phone the last couple of days.
amber
Thanks OX! The whole time I was trying figure out is he mainc? Is he depressed? Is he hyperactive? Is he delusional?? I just couldn’t fathem that he could be ALL of them and I guess he was!!! Well you couldn’t be more right!! Having all 3 was more than a BAD COMBO!! IT WAS A NIGHTMARE!!! I guess the raging cocaine addiction and buelimia were just a BONUS!!!! LOL. Oh I’m glad I can laugh at it now. This is just more and more validation that he was sick beyond any love will ever help.
And congrats to you!! I can really learn something from your wisdom and attitude towards life! Hope you enjoy your new hat! Sounds like you’re living the life right now! Here’s to you LIVING! Wait..wait..wait…….TOWANDA!!! 😉
Twice Betrayed
hmmmm, amber…I would have to pull a Frued on that one of yours….and mine too. [Frued: sexual issues]
amber
Meaning you think they were sexually abused? I’m not sure if I’m picking up what you’re putting down..enlighten me some more…
witsend
Twice Betrayed,
Well you know what you know. You know by your past experiences what you don’t want in a man.
Maybe this friend of yours although he isn’t the right guy for you still has some qualities that you might admire in the right man.
Now it is time to figure what you do want. I think it was Matts idea to actually define what your looking for by making a list.
Maybe it is my “age” speaking here but I do think at this time of my life its not ALL about looks. Whats inside counts as much as whats on the outside. Not to say that “attraction” isn’t important. However I think maybe I am attracted to different things now. And thats a good thing.
Kind Hearted. I find that very attractive. A real man can also be kind.
Confidence, I like that to. A guy comfortable in his own skin. NOT to be confused with cockiness or arrogance.
Great Sense of Humor. Important.
Honesty. Right at the top of the list.
Fun Loving. Not a couch potato but doesn’t have to be bungie jumping either in order to have a good time.
And if I ever had the feeling that he had me at “hello”…..There wouldn’t BE a second date. Because that is fairy tale love. And I’m a big girl now.
All “talk” and no “action” also speaks loud and clear to me.
See isn’t this fun? Make yourself a list. Maybe we should all make a list and compare notes!
They say that you can’t keep doing the same things and expect to get different results. I get this NOW…..