When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
Matt
witsend:
Kindness was at the top of my list. I wondered how unique I was in this. The msn.com had an article on men and women who were getting back into dating world after being divorced. Number one on the non-negotiable list for both men and women? You got it — kindness.
Twice Betrayed
Witsend: I agree=kindness.
This friend: kind, attentive, respects women but tends to think they are kinda over reactive and that irks me. He can be ‘bitchy’ too….passive/aggressive instead of just stating his case. Also; NO fun at all….a total nonparticipator…is happy living vicariously thru life…picture your mother-that is this guy in many ways…great in a down situation but zero fun in any situation- cannot even change a flat tire…can fix nothing, wrecks the riding lawmower, won’t ride a roller coaster-might blow a hair outta place etc. Wasn’t generous until I basically kicked his butt with a NC until he would pony up some fairness moneywise. He wants to marry me-but I cannot make that committment. Totally anal. You know….his work and many friends of mine are dressing up for Halloween….and he won’t do it. Might interfere with his ‘Cary Grant’ image…so I told him to go as Cary Grant. bwwwwahahahahaha!
I still go for hunks….I still like looks….blue eyes, big shoulders, ripped muscles…..*whew…..;)
witsend
Matt,
Funny because, kindness is practically a no brainer on my list. But I guess I am kind of blown away that it was number one in the article.
Hey Matt, answer me this question….If we all WANT the same things how come we have so much trouble finding each other? LOL…
Matt
witsend:
Good question. I remember when I was on match.com about 7 years ago. I came to the conclusion that there are 10 million people in NYC and exactly 10 people dating each other at any given moment. And none of them were people I wanted to be with.
Twice Betrayed
amber: well, I don’t know what your guy’s issues are…I was just saying ‘a Frued’ …..you know Frued always linked problems to sexual issues. I am inclined to agree with Frued on some of this…I believe a lot of acting out on the part of these males is due to sexual issues/behavior and possibly a guilt complex even if it is deeply regressed….I believe they know right from wrong and no matter how wicked they are….it’s going to surface in some form….I feel that’s why they project a great deal on us….their behavior.
Example: a friend of mine says her hubby is now very impatient and critical of her over very minor things and it’s usually after he’s been gone for awhile….from my experience in life…[this is a younger friend and her hub] I would be looking into what he is doing. red flags for me. Also: he refused to go with her and their kids to visit her folks up north and then made a big show of regret when they came back and ….hmmmmmm….red flag. At my age and experience I am very tuned at ‘reading between the lines’.
Twice Betrayed
*should be repressed not regressed
witsend
Twice Betrayed,
Well a man that needs more time in the bathroom than I do fixing his hair ain’t gonna make the cut. High maintenance is not my thing.
Hey we are all human. A hunk is a hunk. Hot is hot. We can all look and we can all flirt. But some of the BEST looking men I have ever known, got “nothin” I want. It’s ALL about them. They aren’t necessarily personality disordered. They are just players. Women love em…They know it. And they are cocky & arrogant.
Two of the things on my NO WAY, list! Lol…
In reality I don’t imagine spending the rest of my life with the biggest hunk in town.
In reality I don’t even date….So who am I kidding…!
I admit I am a sucker for blue eyes.
But I would much rather look into kind eyes right now than roaming eyes, if you know what I mean.
witsend
Matt,
I to, was looking on match many years ago. And I even met a few guys for lunch. I got the feeling that they sized me up before I even sat down at the table and were like professional “daters” or something. They seemed pretty comfortable with what they were doing. Smooth operators, would come to mind to describe them.
Is there such a thing? Do people really set out to meet 20 or 30 people, and go on date after date after date?
Twice Betrayed
witsend: I know exactly what you mean-I feel the same way. And I agree on hunks/players. But, I am still attracted to them….as you say…hot is hot. *yum I keep my distance and I don’t date either for this reason and more-I am burned and I cannot risk being betrayed or hurt.
My x hub had the most beautiful blue kind eyes and was a devil. My daughter has his blue eyes and so does my gd. I read somewhere ‘blue eyes rule the world’. I can sure see why.
I hear you on a male spending more time than we do….well, this one takes an hour to an hour and half grooming and dressing. that’s my time limit and I thought I spent a lot of time…..*groan…………
Twice Betrayed
witsend: the answer to your question regarding men and match.com dating all those people is yes. That’s what my x was doing….many women at once. Till this one caught him on one of the dating sights. Judging by x’s nephew’s comment …it seems her sons or someone ‘forced’ the wedding. bwaahahahahaha…..sweet. maybe the ole boy got busted in his game. yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus….;)