When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
Well, I got a call from my “date” of a few weeks ago, he was coming bck into town and wanted to come by and see me. Had a nice talk with him, but then RED FLAG. I have a little plane for sale and he (he is a pilot) wanted to test fly it and I mentioned that I would have to get it “legal” i.e. an annual examination for safety, and INSURANCE on it (which would be about $1500+) and he said ‘Oh, you don’t have to have insurance for me.” (Well, after my husband’s crash in which the man who owned the pasture land it crashed in sued my insurance co for $50,000 for HIS EMOTIONAL PAIN AND SUFFERING I wouldn’t let that plane take off without insurance for sure!) I have always been a stickler for “doing it legal” as far as liability insurance and licenses etc. so am not going to change that NOW for sure and put everything I have at risk so this guy can take a joy ride in my plane! Nuh ugh!
As far as dating off of an internet site—nuh ugh to that too. I know there probably are some NICE folks out there who post on these sites for a date, but compare: how many stories (like on HERE) started off with a meeting on a dating site, and ended up a horror story vs how many good relationships do you know about?
Heck, my son C met the P-X-Cyber-bride on an internet site, and except for on line, e mails, and phone calls, spent almost NO time with her before she pushed him into marriage. I can name bunches of folks I personally KNOW who have met, dated and/or married these creeps all to their sorrow.
The truth is that for every single man over 35 there are about 100 or more single women, so a man who advertizes on the internet in my mind has, a high percentage of the time, “something wrong” with him that he is advertising for a date. There will of course be exceptions to this, but you know, I’m not willing to take a chance like that and bet my life on it. LOTTO ticket anyone? If you lose, you die! LOL
Oxy: I don’t blame you regarding your date. Do you think he has underlying motives?
Oh boy, you are so correct on the dating sites. Heck, face it….it’s hard enough to find a good man [a feat I’ve never accomplished] in ‘real’ life. My daughter listed me on eharmony several years ago when my x took a powder with a teenager he trapped…and lawd, at the losers responding…tons of them. Some telling me to ‘lower my standards’. Few females ‘throw away’ a good man.. ALL of the ones I saw were ‘throw aways’ with major baggage. ugh. I got my profile off asap. And my x hub had to lure a female in from a foreign country that was desperate for citizenship and possibly running from something. [she also had lap band surgery while they were in contact as she was dangerously overweight-and she is still very ill from it-but has lost some weight….strange…he would be so cruel over any type of weight. on anyone…altho he has gained weight himself] Heck, he had to go out of the US…he sends up so many red flags now that he is aging and no longer able to wear his masks for very long. *arg….captain, I jumped ship just in time….*wipes brow.
Oxy,
Well that sucks….But them red flags…They is, what-they-is!!!
Better a flag now than down the road.
Also good that it was a nice obvious one and not one you had to give much thought to….
Yeah, those dating sites are pretty scarey. I am almost glad that I am so cynical.
Oxy,
have you found that pilots in general seem to be AMORAL?
I’ve met lots of pilots but only a few seemed to be really straight shooting good guys. I think the pilot-red-flag is that pilots in general are thrill seekers. Which is a red flag in itself. N/P/S’s have an inordinate need for excitement.
Please don’t think I’m lumping everyone who is a pilot or likes excitement as a P, because I’M that way too. It’s just that a nice BORING man without psychological baggage is worth his weight in gold these days.
BTW,
I love this comic strip and I’m tempted to send this to my xP.
what d’yall think?
http://assets.comics.com/dyn/str_strip/000000000/00000000/0000000/100000/20000/7000/100/127119/127119.zoom.gif
Well, Skylar, if you think pilots are amoral, you’ll have to include me in that group. LOL
Many pilots (non professionals mostly) are STUPID and take chances they shouldn’t, and they usually wind up dead or injured. There are old pilots and bold pilots but few OLG & BOLD pilots. But those two PROFESSIONAL PILOTS WHO MISSED THEIR CITY and flew 150 miles past it because they were on their lap tops playing around—-there goes their careers! And RIGHTFULLY SO!!! That is worse than texting while driving! DUH! I hope they crucify them and drum them out in front of the entire world.
Pilots do tend as a group I think to be higher in risk taking than the “average” guy, but that doesn’t mean much…this guy is probably NOT a P, but he is willilng to take a RISK that is first of all ILLEGAL, and secondly, would put ME and not so much him at risk, but also himself at risk, to lose his pilot’s license if he was caught. So I don’t mess with anyone who will take UNNECESSARY CHANCES that are even slightly across the “good sense” line.
It is just with this guy that I don’t want to have anything intimate in the way of a friendship or especially a personal relationship with someone who does STUPID things and flying a plane that is NOT L:EGAL with insurance etc is a STUPID THING.
I don’t think this guy is trying to con me, his bro and father live in our small community and they are OK and he isn’t trying to steal the plane etc. in fact, the way I met him was when he came to look at the plane (it is for sale) so I didn’t meet him on a dating site. He is a widower (point for him) and has local connections (point for him) but he does actually live in another state (-1 point) but the willingness to do something STUPID and take an unnecessary chance with potential catastrophic consequences is a DEAL BREAKER for me.
The thing is now, that I don’t even HESITATE to make that a deal breaker for sure. I’m not sure he will be “back around” again, and if he does I will be polite but not encouraging in any way for a relationship other than just “polite neighbors.”
OxDrover:
Remember that show in the 70’s, called “Fantasy Island”?
At the beginning of every episode, that little person, Tattoo (played by Herve Villechaize), always came running to his boss, Mr. Roarke (played by Ricardo Mantalban).
And, Tattoo would be yelling, “The plane, boss…the plane!!”
Yes. That’s what it was, OxDrover.
It was your PLANE.
Good call on your part to recognize that RED FLAG.
I still think pilots (especially fighter pilots) are TOTALLY hot and sexy.
“Top Gun” starring Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer et als. is probably my all time favorite Eye Candy movie. MEOW!!!
Oxy,
Of course I know that you are a pilot, but I also know that you have a very strong moral code in many aspects of your life, not just legalities.
And I didn’t say the guy was immoral, I said amoral, as in, “well we can break the rules for me, can’t we?” You know, the moral code is subject to change when not convenient, that’s the kind of thing I meant.
I’m far from perfect, but I think my moral code is pretty strict. Unfortunately, I only apply it to myself and let others slip by with a pass. This is how I ended up with a P. That’s why I commented on your ability to say “heck no” to a guy that you had considered a friend with potential for more. That is a rock solid way of maintaining your boundaries, and I admire it. I’m still a floozy when it comes to boundaries. I just don’t have any. bummer for me. LOL.
Rosa: that is an eye candy movie….for sure. meow….*high five….
Fantasy Island….LOLOLOL!
sky: funny comic! ;P
TwiceBetrayed:
I still can NOT get enough of that movie.
Tom Cruise looked SO GORGEOUS in that show, and in “Cocktail” too.
Another one that I’ve seen 300 times is “Dirty Dancing”.
I know most of the dialogue.
I walked around for weeks saying, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner” when it was first released in the 1980’s.
And, since Halloween is near, there’s nothing quite like Jack Nicholson in “The Shining”, if you want something scary.
I love movies.
When I used to have pity parties for myself, I would always watch movies and eat Chinese take-out in bed, and finish it off with a few Godiva chocolates, or anything chocolate.
It was a pity party for one, and I was the life of the party.
OMG, you guys cracked me up tonight!
Henry, since when did YOU get a skillet? ha ha ha ha ha Did you earn one after a year’s membership at LF? If so, WHERE’S MINE? Is Oxy playing favorites? I want a skillet too! ha ha ha ha
And sky, FWB = friend with battery? ha ha ha ha ha I really needed the laugh. I always thought he was BOB (battery operated boyfriend).
Amber, you are doing GREAT to be on the healing path at such a young age. I suffered through depression in my 20’s, even though I did all these exciting things. It’s all a journey but I’ve found the advanced years bring more gentleness and self acceptance with myself. I think in a few years, you will look back at this time and feel like a different person. Be very very gentle with yourself and give yourself a very wide berth. When most people have giant egos that they need to tone down, people like us don’t think nearly as highly of ourselves as we should.
So I have this knot in my stomach I had all last week and feeling really yucky. It has something to do with the boy and my self esteem and all those core issues. I am going to meditate tonight and see if I can actually face the horrible feelings. I do believe that when we can name something, we can have power over it. So instead of running away from the unnamable black hole I sometimes feel, I am going into the center of it to see what it’s about. Wish me luck.
I will check back soon.
Love,
Star