When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
Stargazer
Oh, and I just wanted to blog about some things that happened at work today. Some of the other staff assistants also showed up in the blizzard but their supervisor didn’t come in. The girls were bitching and griping that he wasn’t there but they had to come in. Why couldn’t they work at home and get paid for it, blah, blah, blah. They were allowed to stay home and use paid time off. But they didn’t want to use their paid time off. So they bitched and griped. As I listened, I thought how very entitled they seemed to me. My supervisor also did not make it in. It didn’t bother me in the least! I felt grateful to have a quiet day to get stuff done, or to goof off, whatever I wanted to do at work today.
Then one of the girls proceeded to bitch and gripe about her supervisor and how she’s unhappy at her job because he does not give her the mentoring she needs. I didn’t even know how to respond. If only she knew how easy we have it there. Her boss is so flexible with her–he lets her do whatever she wants. All she does is bitch and gripe. I don’t understand it. I feel grateful for every little thing I have. Even though I’m grossly underemployed there and often hate the job, I am always grateful for the circumstances, and to even have a stable job. Young people today just seem SO entitled. I don’t get it at all. It’s like they think life should just be handed to them on a silver platter.
Isabell
Star…
Wow. You call it the “black hole” too. What perspective you have, “When we can name something,we can have power over it.”
All these years, whenever I feel out of control, I’ve said…”I feel like I’m slipping back, or I’m being sucked into the black hole.” Gaslighting comes to mind; the feelings of being lost, confused, overwhelmed and unable to get a grip of reality. Hmmm…
So, give it a name, huh… give it a name. Much to ponder.
Thanks.
hens
Hmmm That 27 year old on a silver platter would be nice –STAR~~~~!!~!!
hens
isabell – I refer to my 3 year vacation from hell relationship with my xS as The Twilight Zone – I am still trying to figure out what the plot was all about…..it’s comforting to know that here I am understood.
amber
twicebetrayed…yes I understand what you’re saying. I don’t think he was sexually absued, but I do know at a very young age his aunt was watching him and he wouldn’t stop crying and she took and not clothes IRON and put it across his legs. He had huge scars from it. And I know his mom used to beat the shit out of him. And when he was about 20 he proposed to a girl and she took off never to be seen again. I honestly think that 3 of the most important women hurt him so bad from a young age that the rest of his life has been spent resenting women. He had huge behavioral issues when he was a child. And maybe he doesn’t realize it, but I think he takes his frustration and anger for his mother out on whoever the victim is at the time. I know he knew the difference between right and wrong. I just don’t think he’s ever dealt with those issues and subconsciously he’s never allowed another women to get close to him because he’s afraid they’re going to hurt him too. He always told me from very early on that he had abandonment issues..I know why! I think this may be the root of his problem. I just wish he could have figured it out, maybe he wouldn’t have turned into such a rotten person. I’m pretty objective and able to read between the lines pretty well, and even when I could decifer he was doing something wrong, I turned my head. Uggghhhh…but that was then. Let him take his agression for his mom and aunt out on someone else.
skylar
Hi Amber,
they ALL have abandonment issues. It probably stems from parental abandonment but I also get the impression of a little boy, left behind sitting alone in the sandbox. No one wants to play with him anymore. The other kids grew up and lost interest in his childish games. He waits for the next child to come along, hoping that he can lure them into the sandbox and trap them, so that they can’t leave him. He hates change,
he doesn’t want to grow up. People change, people grow up and abandon him. He won’t let them leave him anymore.
He’ll make them stay. With his charm, his pity ploy, his rage and his wild stories of adventure and intrigue.
He’ll make them sorry that they tried to leave.
My xP actually told me he never wanted to grow up, he hates change, and he thinks growing up means you get a wife and she leaves you.
amber
And thanks star..I think I’m doing pretty ok too! I’ve always been a really positive person and have lots to be thankfulk for. Great family, amazing friends, smartest little puppy in the world, and school is keeping me busy. I literallly will not let myself down that way ever again. I know I will look back someday and know that I’m a better person because of it. Thanks for the compliment!
Stargazer
Isabell,
A book just came to mind that I thought might interest people here. It’s called “Personal Power Through Awareness”.
amber
Skylar, I love the anaolgy of the child in the playbox. That was my ex. He cheated on me with a 19 year old girl and she even said…he’s like a little boy trapped in a 40 yr old mans body. So true. In fact he lied to me about his age for the first 8 months that we dated. I figued it out when he left his ID out and I saw it. I mean how stupid?!?! Lie about your age?? The year before he turned 40 really kicked his ass. That’s when things all took a turn for the worse. Bought some stupid crotch rocket motorcycle and crashed it 3 times in one year. Would tell me how he was go 130 MPH..and I was like do you think this impresses me? Just such wreckless behavior, so juvenille. It was like he wanted to get out there and be as rebelious and childish as he could, or he was going to turn into a pumpkin on his bday. Just lots of silly, childish and irratic behavior. Whatever I hope you fall off the motorcycle at 130 MPH…do the world a favor.
Stargazer
LOL Henry, I could send the 27 y.o.’s to you when I’m done with them! ha ha ha ha