When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
P.S. Obviously I am procrastinating meditating. I do that a lot.
hi Star, me too.
I’ve procrastinated fixing my desktop computer for days. I need to put 2 old hard drives from the old computer into it and I just can’t seem to get motivated.
I know that there will be a glitch and I will get frustrated and I’ll have to rack my ever diminishing brain power to figure out why it isn’t working. so I procrastinate.
I already put in a new desk and added a sound card and a PCI wireless adapter. Why can’t I face these hard drives?
Sky,
You need to face the hard, driving truth about these hard drives and all their dark secrets. For all their utility in our lives, they are not capable of love and compassion. They will not offer to cook you dinner. They won’t rub your feet. Hell, they won’t even ask you how your day was. I don’t blame you for running from them. They are cold, mechanical creatures with only one mission in life, and that mission is..uh…hell….I have know idea what that mission is!!! I barely know what a hard drive is. ha ha ha ha ROF! I just cracked myself up!!!!!!
The internet is such a great place to procrastinate, isn’t it? I don’t want to go meditate because I’m such an extrovert and love hanging with my friends. But I know I need to.
Lol, you kill me, Star, thanks for the giggle.
Why? I’m asking that too. IT has been three years, and three weeks ago, I finally got him out for good. Now I am with in a months time of going to the homeless shelter with my kids if I can’t make a few thousand extra dollars.
The things he did during the course of our relationship always left me questioning himself…and then myself? Where was I going wrong? Was I really too stern? Bitchy? Was asking him to keep his word about things asking too much?
1. He defrauded my taxes – I’m paying that back.
2. Didn’t pay a bill for months on end, and didn’t look for a job. When I left him and asked him about helping to catch up with these bills he helped accumulate, he said “Those are bills you would have had even if I was living here anyway? ” WTF?
3. I helped him by gicing him a small business loan to start a hotdog cart. After he got that built, he started drinking again, knowing I would leave him for this. Now he is shacked up in tennessee with a woman he says is his friend, living off of her. I live in Maine.
4. He had smacked my kid acrossed the face and said I don’t discipline my kids.
5. He threw a dirty toilet seat on my sleeping sons bed at 6:00 AM, because he supposedly got pee on it the night He can be furious for a second, and the next second act like nothing ever happened.
6. He worries about external things like they are his life blood…if someone is mad at him, he simply cannot understand its becaue he broke another promise.
So now, we are keeping in touch over e-mail….simply because I am waiting for him to pay back my load to him of 1500 dollars before my family becomes homeless….but I need help here.
I have so much anger in me, that I keep replying to him of why our relationship didn’t work out.
He replies back, that I am self-righteous, confused, and having a pitty party.
I have replied with some pretty sarcastic remarks and I hate it. I’m not like this normally, but it is driving me crazy that he can’t see why, or understand why, we couldn’t work out! I need to cut him off but I need my money too! And I don’t have a good word left to say to him…I’m not in that forgiveness stage right now. I wish i was.
ultimately he has accused me of not trying hard enough in the relationship. Not supporting him enough with his goals and hobbies or his abilities.
Did anyone else go threw that? Trying to get them to see the wreckage they have left until you were blue in the entire body….but they just project it on to you like you did everything wrong. I just want to be able to cut myself off emotionally, instead of thinking about all the damage he has done in my home….
Its crazy, because when he writes to me, he calls me beautiful and still talks about how he wants me to come visit him, like nothing ever happened and that well be best friends forever, but he has this fantasy of us getting back together someday….which I won’t…but I need my money back soon.
Help!!!
Notagain,
One thing, staying in contact with him is like injecting poison into your system. It’s draining you of the energy you could use to earn some of that money. I haven’t been in quite the same situation you’re in. But knowing what I know about sociopaths, I’d opt for the homeless shelter. At least you will have him out of your life.
However, if you feel it’s worth it to hold out for money from him, you absolutely cannot let his games affect you. You need to be very cold and businesslike and not react to what he says or does. You have to be able to put up some sort of emotional wall. This is hard because every time he contacts you, it triggers you. That’s why the sooner you can break all contact with him, the better. You may get money out of him but at what cost?
Notagain, I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through..but honestly?? Do you really think you’re going to get the money out of him??? Has he ever repaid you any of the money he owed you in the last 3 years that you haven’t seen him?? If not, then I would say cut your losses and figure out a more productive way to get that money instead of wasting time trying to get it out of him. It’s a tough situation. One that I’ve never been faced with, but you have to realize that this is what they do. I think him being nice is a pathetic attempt to do the bare minimum to keep you around in case this new woman bails and he needs to come back to take advantage of you. He’s living with another woman, smacked your kid, stole money from you…I don’t know..do you have family or friends you can go to??
Notagain – I am so sorry, your situation seems so bleak. You described a classic sociopath. You will never get the money. You must never ever ever speak to this man again or let him near you or your children. Next time he may kill your son for peeing on the toilet seat. I cringe at what emotional damage that may have already happened to your son at the hands of this physco. A family becomes homeless every few minutes in todays economy. Sorry if I seem harsh but find another way. Your life is in danger every time you speak to this man, even from a distance he is dangerous.
notagain, I’m so sorry for the pain you are experiencing.
If you live in WA state you can live in my abandoned house.
Other than that, you need to understand what you are dealing with or you will never escape it. Everything you said is typical. He isn’t playing the same game you are. He’s only pretending to. His game is : suck the emotions out of notagain until she dies. Then laugh.
Get it? Don’t give him emotions. no response is the best response for now.
The only way to get your money back is to make him think you don’t need it. If he thinks that you just inherited or earned a sizable chunk of money, he will come back to suck it from you. He will even repay the $1500 while he pretends to love you and sucks more money from you. That’s what my xP did. At this point you aren’t informed or stoic enough to pull off that kind of acting. so I don’t recommend it. Focus first on surviving and second on learning this personality disorder until you know it like the back of your hand and then KEEP LEARNING. Go to the library and get books. You will be empowered to win against this disease and you will have protection from all the P’s out there.
Good luck, we are here to help you.
(((hug)))
no no…its okay…I want to and need to hear the truth, that I shouldn’t even speak to him.
Thankyou all three of you above…:)
I need the clarification, because for a while, my emotions have been over riding my logic. He is good at knowing how to get in the door emotionally and physically. He knows my weaknesses very well.
I’m trying not to think about him, but it keeps creeping up…and I feel like he is gaining control by getting me upset. I need that control of my own life back. It has been a rollercoaster ride, that I need to get off of.
Thats why this post really caught my eye. I have to find meaning in what happened…I think I will be stronger for it, once we get through this. I never have been too good with boundaries…Thats where I need to start I think. I worry too much about other people, and forget about myself…but it turns out wrong in the end….because thats not a healthy way for me too be. People like him can see it…:(
Henry, when you say he is a classic sociopath, that is how I feel. Not the killer or the outright wife beater kind, but the passive aggressive kind…the covert kind, the extremely manipulative kind. Ive been reading on this site for about a year now. There are so many things that make sense to me here.
How he can show a spark of violence in his eyes for two seconds, and regain posture in two seconds. How he changes his behavior once you trust him again. How he projects what he is doing to you, on to you. He uses twisted logic to over ride even basic common sense….and believes it.
He can justify outright neglect. He can excuse poor behavior. Another sign, is he could care less about his family. He destest his mother. He has two boys he hardly sees, in fact he left the state without even saying goobye to them. The last time he saw his oldest son, he went out and got drunk with his buddies, leaving his poor kid with me…who wanted to be with him, which broke my heart.
The money I lent him to build his hotdog cart, he acted and boasted like he did it all by himself.
I wouldn’t even doubt if he is the one who burnt his own house down to collect insurance money, which he blew on cocaine and entertainment….when he was supposesd to be building another home….this is where I thought he was just having a tough time, because he lost everything.
Then he talked about taking life insurance for me, in case he died. All I could think about, is that I would have to let him also take out life insurance on me. This talk came out of the blue. we are not even married.
Other things I noticed, is that he would say he hated drama….but would associate with the most disturbed people you could find in town. Drunks, druggies, bar hoppers, womanizers…losers basically. he admitted that it was entertainment, and spent thousands of dollars on getting the people around him drunk. but would accuse me of creating the drama.
I got pregnant with his child. He escalated his drinking four fold, started leaving me, and then stayed at his buddies houses because “i was upset about his drinking, he was supposed to be looking for work, and he didn’t want to fight.” Ya right..
I would never do something like this, but I saw life as it would be over, and got an abortion out of desperation….ofcourse that was my fault too…because if I had just a little more faith in him, things would have gotten better. But I was running out of time, and the stress was making me incrediablly sick…don’t know if I could have made it through that pregnancy. I really havent been me, since that point.
Promise after promise was broken, and when he got what he wanted, the hotdog cart, he had no bones about leaving the state with it. My family told me this would happen…but no, i fell for his, “just hold on and things will get better crap.”
I’m just ranting here, so I don’t rant to him, next time he tries to get to me through e-mail.
Thanks everyone here for all there input, and experience. It is helping me alot…