How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”

To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.

When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:

My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.

I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.

Promising to fill the void

When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)

Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.

We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.

We believe people only want us when we do something for them.

We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.

We believe we aren’t good enough.

We believe we are unlovable.

We believe there’s something wrong with us.

We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.

We believe other people come before ourselves.

We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.

These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.

Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.

Critical juncture

So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?

This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?

If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.

As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.

Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.

Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. skylar

    notagain,
    he’s your classic parasite. I wish we could just use Rid-X or something like you do for lice. The more you learn the easier it will be for you. Knowing replaces feeling. Your reactions will start from knowledge instead of from emotion. It gets better.

  2. amber

    Notagain..you can only detatch from him emotionally by letting go of all contact with him. He will never change and will continue to move on, sucking the life out of everything he comes in contact with. Change your email address and move on. Any time you feel the urge to talk to him, come here and write the email instead. I promise it will gve you time to clear your head and make a more educated decision. We’re here for you.

  3. ErinBrock

    Notagain:
    Heres the best and ONLY way your gonna get your money……
    The offer stands:
    On your way to WA state to stay at Skylars place……stop by my house and we can have a YARD DIG UP PARTY…..we could dig up my whole damn town looking for that million dollars in cash the ex buried……
    In fact maybe we can have a LF retreat and we can all dig……
    Just think how much good could come if we all found this money!

    Reality……harsh, cold truth….your gonna have to figure out something else…some other way to get by…..
    If lighting strikes him and he does happen to throw your money your way……BONUS…..
    But I would, in NO way plan on it.
    We have all been there…..and unless you have an asset of his….you will never see the dough.

    Do NOT have any more contact with him….you need to stop wasting your precious time hoping and start living and developing a game plan for YOU!

    Good luck darling!
    XXOO
    EB

  4. hens

    notagain – at first when I came here I was told to go No contact with ny X – it went against every thing I wanted – that was the last thing I wanted to do – I am a big guy – 6′ 180 – landscpaer – hanging on to hope and wanting to believe he loved me was slow suicide or slow murder on his part – i lost 30 pounds – couldnt work – I shook with anxiety – the hyper vigilance was overwhelming – i couldnt sleep – my hip went numb and I could varely walk – stress – do u here me STRESS – has been 18 months no contact – and yes he still occupies a small part of me ( prolly always will) but No Contact is our only revenge and our ultimate salvation.

  5. ErinBrock

    To add to Henry’s post…..
    My story of stress almost KILLED ME…..Girl….I spent 28 years with the S…….1 ONE month after I finally booted him….I had 2 strokes, a disected carotid artery and then CANCER! (and NO i’m NOT an old lady….I was 39 years old)
    HEEELLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOO.
    My medical bills amounted to 465K……and years off work, destroyed business, foreclosure…….therapist bills for me and kids…..SHALL I CONTINUE???

    SO girl……how does that 1500 sound now?
    I would consider that payment for the education you are recieving and will continue to gain…..PRICELESS REALLY!

  6. Stargazer

    A battery operated skillet that turns into a vibrator. I think we may be onto something. This would be especially useful for people who live in very small spaces and just don’t have a lot of room to store stuff. The vibrating function would also work very well for stir frying. I call dibs on the patent!!!

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