When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
I know that how I was raised had a lot to do with what happened to me, I just need help putting the pieces together. so here goes my story, & anyone that can help me figure out how I was damaged, please help me.
From the time I was little, I remember not feeling like I was as good as everyone else. My dad was a typical blue collar worker, he always worked, he changed jobs when he wasn’t happy with the one he had, never seemed to have trouble finding work. He had a hell of a temper, he was the typical hot headed Irishman, reminded me a lot of Archie Bunker, was the physical discipliner in the family(chased me one time & tried to choke me ’cause I rolled my eyes at him), was the son of an alcoholic & abusive father. My mom was a secretary, the only one of five kids who went to school beyond high school, seldom lost her temper, always worked, I don’t know if she was happy being married to my dad, she died when I was 24. My dad could dissolve my mom or my younger brother to tears, just by his bellowing at them. it seemed my mom’s only defense was to just go silent, that drove my dad nuts. I remember putting myself in harms way & antagonizing my dad, just to keep his wrath on me, so he wouldn’t make my mom or brother cry. I never got into any trouble until I got older, like in high school. Then it seemed like both my parents began to think bad things about me, & accused me of acting like a street walker, etc. I guess at that point, I began to think that if they thought that badly about me, well, hey, I can be that bad & worse. I started drinking, smoking, doing drugs, everything they accused me of anyway. I still managed to get all A’s & B’s in school. As my brother got older(he was 5 yrs. younger than me), dad seemed to take less delight in tormenting him, & they actually got pretty close.Even though I felt like I could never do anything good enough to please my dad, we were closer than my mom & I were, & even though my dad & brother became close, I think my brother was actually closer to our mom. Fast forward to when I was 19. I managed to get involved with a guy, became sexually active, & did the unthinkable(back in the day), I got pregnant. If I wasn’t already a disappointment to my folks before, I sure as hell was then. I ended up marrying the loser at 19, had my daughter at 20, & was off & running in my 1st abusive marriage. He spent all our money on booze & dope, & was physically abusive to me. We were divorced by the time I was 21. I ended up moving back home with my folks, & they pretty much usurped my role as a parent. When I was 22, my mom was diagnosed w/ breast cancer, & under went a radical mastectomy. She had never been sick, other than a cold. I ended up being the one who took her to the city for her chemo & radiation, since dad was working. I remember trying to get her to eat a little bit of the lunch I made for her one day, & she got mad at me ’cause she felt so sick. She told me that day if she had to feel that bad to try & get better, she was done taking treatments. She seemed to get better for awhile, then 2 yrs. later, she started not feeling good. She went into the hospital for an exploratory surgery. The doctors opened her up, found out that her cancer had spread to her liver, & it couldn’t be fixed. She woke up in recovery long enough for the doctors to tell her that, & she went into a coma, & I never saw her awake again. I went to see her every day before work. The phone call came in the middle of the night about 10 days later. My dad woke me up, told me mom had just died, & to go back to sleep. Her dying seemed to dissolve the glue that held the whole family together. My brother started hating me for things I said while mom was dying, I tried my best to work full time at my job, take care of my 6 yr. old daughter, & try to keep the household running as well as mom had. She died in Jan. of that year, by April, my dad announced he was seeing a lady, & they would be married in June. I guess I didn’t do anything right. There was no way I could face my mom being replaced that soon, so I made the 2nd marriage mistake of my life, married a friend of my brother’s who I thought was a nice guy. We had 3 kids together over the course of the 20 yrs. we were married, I was diagnosed as suffering from depression, he was becoming more & more mentally & emotionally abusive to me & the kids, so I took the kids & left. It was a nasty drawn out divorce, & the kids suffered a great deal because of it. At that point in my life,the s appeared. I thought my life before was a living hell on earth. After 10 yrs., losing everything, here I am. My hells on earth just keep getting progressively worse.
I’m sorry this is so long. I just needed to tell someone.
Donna and All,
Donna said: I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
This is exactly where I have *finally* got to. And not ‘just’ from my experience with the last p, but as a place in my own life, all experiences included. But FOR SURE this last one was The One to catapult me into examining wrongheaded beliefs I have about myself.
I may not be ready to cut them all lose (which is why I am chosing, for now, to remain out of the dating-game). But I am encouraged to find that my salvation isn’t entirely ‘tied up’ in understanding something outside myself (impossible anyway!). But that it lies in SELF discovery. This wisdom has evaded me for so long……
Thanks, Donna, for an excellent and timely article.
LILY REPORT!!!!
I just spoke with Lily, Gemini and others who know our sweet Lily. she is moved to a “speciality” hospital, which I am thinking is a rehabilitation facility or a skilled nursing home.
She has been very very sick, and I also think she has been very confused. She seemed to have lost track of time and any details of her medical condition but she is her sweet self and still depends on God to bring her through this. she did say that her doctor told her today that he thought she “was a gonner”—since it has been some time since she has answered her phone, I think she must have been very very ill.
She did report that she is unable to sit up in a chair, which to ome means she is not doing too well physically at all as one of the FIRST things they try to do for you is to get you up OUT OF BED and mobilize you to prevent complications like blood clots, but she said she IS getting physical therapy on her legs and also on her upper body twice a day. As ill as she has been though, I am sure her recovery will be very slow.
She does seem VERY happy with the staff and services at the place she is now and that encourages me very much.
She did say that two of the three daughters are calling her now and her son will talk to her if she calls him….so I guess she is still hoping to have some relationship with them in spite of the past. At this time, however, she does not seem in any emotional distress over it, which is frankly all I care about for her right now, as she needs all her strength to recover.
She said to thank each of you for your prayers and thoughts and it has been very very important to her peace of mind.
I also send my thanks to each of you who has prayed for and sent positive energy to this sweet little lady in her hours of need. (((((Hugs))))) and God bless you all!
I believed so many things: I believed I was insufferable. I believed I was only tolerable if I was ‘useful’. I believed I was only valuable if I gave everything and asked for nothing.
Ahhhh JAH, thank-you for that brilliant underscoring. I like what you say, that it is what we do with the pain that brings the meaning…
Just about healed,
Thank you for the clarification. Yes, you are right. I grew because of the work that I did as a result of my run-in with the sociopath. But I never would have done it without the instigation of his treachery.
sstiles54… sounds like a very turbulent childhood, I am so sorry your mother passed when you were only 24. My sister and I have discussed our childhood and it sometimes it seems to us that they were just overwhelmed and we think our mother was depressed and they were just not able to give love and teach us life lessons because they didn’t know them themselves, they were not taught these lessons by their parents. Since you were not given the love and securitiy you needed by your father you felt neglected, not good enough, always trying to please men, get their attention. You did the best you could at the time because that is all you knew. Anyway, I’m not one to give great advice — I’m still trying to figure myself out, which I don’t seem to be very good at. Why did you write that things are getting progressively worse? I’m worried about you.
Oxy, thank you for the update on Lily. I hope she keeps improving over time and will be able to sit up soon. I am very happy to hear she is talking with 2 of her daughters and her son. She is such a sweet soul, some of the things she wrote reminded me of my own mother and how my mother would say them the same way.
My ONLY concern is that Lily not be in pain, and that she be at peace—if that means that she talks to the vultures, that is OK with me. I know she was grieving so much over not communicating with them, and accepting that they really don’t care fo rher and have NC’d her for over 7 years when she was begging them to “love” her. I know when you are physically destitute of health it is a difficult time to cope with the grief of emotional pain and loss as well as the physical.
Lily has had so much pain, ill health, stress and grief over her children, I hope if nothing else she has PEACE even if it is based on a false belief that her children “love” her—right now she needs ALL her strength to cope physcally and she has no energy to spare grieving right now. There are times in this life that we must focus on physical survival and that is her state right now. Keep on praying for her recovery! and her peace. (((hugs))))
Donna,
Other LF people described trauma and pain but you wrote the words “jettison”, “destruction” and “crumbled into piles of debris”. I’ve found that the words I choose are a result of the pictures/feelings my subconscience is perceiving.
Your words brought up the image of tearing down the old me so that a new me could be built. But the new me will be built with a stronger, more modern design, P-proofed and it’s going to be beautiful too. The list of vulnerabilities are like a list of the design mistakes or fractures built into the old me. The new me is going to be built without those errors.
I don’t want to build on top of that faulty construction, because it will be a weak me. I need all new construction with a design built on the wisdom that the old construction gave me.
I can see that I was desperate for someone to think I was a special person. My husband is a kind and honest man but he does not show emotion or affection a great deal. I think it was the the need for attention that I craved. Being brought up by my widowed mother, who had a personality disorder herself, meant that I always took the blame and I became someone who always tried to please others.
Without the P experience, I may never have realised these things about myself and although painful and traumatic, I have a much greater understanding of myself and that is a positive thing.
Swallow