When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
ErinBrock
Hey Henry…..
Have fun with Dionne tonight huh…..
witsend
Twice Betrayed,
These guys gave NEW meaning to Oxys skillet last night.
I feel bad for the next person who gets a boink! We will have all kinds of visuals from now on about the new and improved model.
Stayingsane
How will I trust a relationship with a man again? is it even something to aspire to anymore?
Twice Betrayed
witsend:I will never view that skillet the same again. I guess this one hides under the bed in a very discreet box. bwaahahahahaaaaa!
Stayingsane: Not for me…..is isn’t. I see no matter how good they are……those eyes are wandering …..I cannot handle even that much…nope, I am afraid I’m done…..
Twice Betrayed
Everytime I watch Cinderella, Snow White or Sleeping Beauty with my little gd….I cannot help but add in my mind…..and they lived happily ever after till he began cheating on her midlife with the upstairs maid……*ugh.
ErinBrock
Ladies…
Please keep love in your heart and faith in your soul…..
And….. a silicone skillet under your bed!!!
🙂
Ox Drover
You guys are BAAAAAAAD!\
Son D and I had a great time today, he wore my new Montana Peak western hat, and his new knee high buffalo skin boots, and gosh he looked great. The tan in the hat is the exact color of his slightly red beard and he just looked so great! I wish one of you had a nice daughter to marry him off to! So I could get some grandkids! LOL
We had a great time and the kids loved the program though we did it inside a gym, with the two baby goats on a leash each (which they did not like) and the dog so disappointed he could not really herd them, but he did his tricks for the kids and you would think those 5th graders had never seen a dog before! he was, as always, a HIT!
I’m taking him (or plan to anyway) to be certified as a therapy dog in a couple of weeks. He will do wonderfully.
Unfortunately today he had “wet dog” smell that in closer quarters would have been stupifying! LOL but the kids loved him and the goats tolerated everything so it was a great day!
At the end, the sun peaked out and we will ahve at least (they say) 3 days of sunshine! Brightens my life!
The flooding and storms in AR last night though were terrible and we crossed over a FREWAY that was closed due to floodign! Bad weather, but at least not blizzards! So there is something to be thankful for.
It is a good thing though that I didn’t take the skillet, as there were two little monsters in the classes that I would have BOINKED! I handled it though, by just stopping the presentation and looking at them til I caught there eyes and then said, “Whatever it is you are talking about, I wish you would share with the rest of us” that usually shuts them up.
The other one was one that yelled out to distract the dog during his presentation. I just looked at him with my best “drop dead you little monster” look and he almost literally melted. I DO have a piercing look (my kids say it can turn you to a pillar of salt!) LOL
I can see though, that while I was gone and you guys knew I was gone that YOU ALL really misbehaved again, so I need to stay around here to keep the ADULTS in line! LOL ((((hugs))))
amber
OX..What kind of doggie do you have?? You said herding and tricks. I have a Border Collie that’s 10 months old. And LOOOOOVVVEEEE her to death. I love how smart she is and all the tricks she can already do!! A couple nights ago I taught her how to bring me a blanket!!! It’s finally getting a little chilly in CA and I thought I’d see if she’d actually do it..and she does!! All I have to say is go get mama a blanket and she drags one over to me. Beyond cute. She has really been my saving grace. As soon as me and the ex broke up I had to do something to occupy my time with a positive outcome. She keeps me busy and happy!!
ErinBrock
Oxy:
I could never marry your son, it wouldn’t be fair to you……I think I would give you too much anxiety! I’m a handful…….
Plus…..if you came home to 12 missing D batteries, you would know exactly what I would have been up to in your absence.
Glad you had a nice day and you are seeing some sun! I can picture your glare…..and just shutting the monsters down.
You are a wonderful woman…..as much hell as I give you!
🙂
Ox Drover
Thank you Erin! Yea, I’m afraid I would be the MIL from HELL, if you don’t believe that, just x my X-DIL the P! She says I am a “real piece of work” LOL ROTFLMAO Yea, for her I would be, I was On to her from day 1–just didn’t realize HOW twisted she was! It never occured to me she would try to MURDER my son! It’s probably a good thing for HER that I didn’t suspect or know just how twisted she was, she might have been the one calling the cops to get me off her with my skillet!
You go right on giving me heck, Erin! That’s a two way street! LOL
Yes, Amber, he is a Border collie, I give herding demos and tell the kids about the kind of dog, and do a ‘dog and pony” (or dog and goat) show–you’d think the kids had never seen a dog the way they love it. he does too. He eats up the attention. Plus, it is a little bit of extra money and I love the kids.
Keep teaching her stuff Amber, if you can imagine it, she can learn it and if they are not challenged they can become neurotic and/or destructive, don’t let her get bored! They can learn up to 200 word commands and you start to think they can read your mind. I have a bumper sticker that says “My border collie is smarter than your honor student” LOL and I think they are. I no longer breed or train outside dogs, but I have my one baby! He is a great tool on the farm too with livestock.