When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
LMAO! Perfect!
Just got home from seeing Dionne – she was fabulous – but she cant hit the high notes like she used too. She looked awesome – What the World Needs Now is Love Sweet Love~~!!! And a friend of a friend is playing match maker and trying to hook me up with a guy named Phil —dunno about this…
henry,
Gosh what is it about movie stars and singers, even when they are old they look fabulous? Dionne has to be getting up there!
Is Phil someone you know of? Or someone you have never met before?
Hi Wit – I am sure Dionne has had some help keeping her looks. Hint Hint…But fame is fleeting as I went to a Casino to see her. I guess the girl still has to work to pay for her villa in Brazil…Never met this Phil guy,, A lady showed up at my friends house today and she said he looked and acted just like me. He is 58 gay – employed and has grandkids he adores and a great relationship with his X wife..so I dont know if anything will ever come of it. Wit I responded to you on the other thread a few nites ago.. the thread about (may contain triggers.) not sure if u saw it or not.
henry, I love Dionne! Walk On By! Concerts are so much fun to go to, glad you had a good time!!! Did you meet Phil?
hi Shabby nope have not met him..I have never had a blind date.
Here’s an excerpt from an online article.
It seems to show that some chimps can be parasitical sociopaths too. But it doesn’t work out well for them in the end.
Witsend, somehow it reminds me of your situation with your parasitical son.
http://www.howardbloom.net/lucifer/excerpt2.html
The cutting of the ties that bind can be fatal even in the wild. Jane Goodall, the researcher who has studied chimpanzees in the Gombe game preserve of Africa since 1960, saw the principle at work in a young animal named Flint. When Flint was born, his mother adored him. And he, in turn, doted on her. She hugged him, played with him, and tickled him until his tiny, wrinkled face broke out in the broad equivalent of a chimpanzee smile. The two were inseparable.
When Flint reached the age of three, however, the time came for his mother to wean him. But Flo, the mother, was old and weak. And Flint, the chimpanzee child, was young and strong. Flo turned her back and tried to keep her son away from the nipple. But Flint flew into wild tantrums, lashed about violently on the ground, and ran off screaming. Finally, a worried Flo was forced to calm her son by offering him her breast. Later, Flint developed even more aggressive techniques for ensuring his supply of mother’s milk. If Flo tried to shrug him off, Flint struck her with his fists, and punctuated the pummeling with sharp bites.
At an age when other chimps have freed themselves from parental apron strings, Flint was still acting like a baby. Though he was a strapping young lad, and his mother was increasingly feeble, Flint insisted that his mama carry him everywhere. If Flo stopped to rest and Flint was anxious to taste the fruit of the trees at their next destination, the hulking child would push, prod and whimper to get his mom moving again. Then he’d climb on her back and enjoy the ride. When shoves and whines didn’t motivate his mother to pick him up and cart him where he wanted to go, Flint would occasionally give the exhausted lady a strong kick. At night, Flint was old enough to build a sleeping nest of his own. Instead, he insisted on climbing into bed with his mommy.
Flint should have turned his attention from Flo to the other chimps his age, forging ties to the superorganism–the chimpanzee tribe–of which he was a part. But he did not. The consequence would be devastating.
Flint’s mother died. Theoretically, Flint’s instincts should have urged him to survive. But three weeks later, he went back to the spot where his mother had breathed her last and curled up in a fetal ball. Within a few days, he too was dead.
An autopsy revealed that there was nothing physically wrong with Flint: no infection, no disease, no handicap. In all probability, the youngster’s death had been caused by the simian equivalent of that voice which tells humans going through a similar loss that there’s nothing left to live for. Flint had been cut loose from his single bond to the superorganism. That separation had killed him.
henry,
I think I did see your reply if it was when I asked about your X and the attempted suicides?
Whenever we step out of our comfort zone it can be a little frightening. And blind dates could be considered such.
It would be maybe easier to meet at a “common” friends home at a gathering where other people are there and you would be able to ease into conversation and be comfortable.
The part you said about him still having a great relationship with his X wife is wonderful news! Employed is good news 🙂 And adoring his grandkids is the best of all.
Maybe he is worth meeting….Maybe he is kind hearted to!
That is my number one criteria in a man. KINDNESS.
HEEEENNNNRRRYYYYYY……..
Listen…..dating blind men is not all that bad!
Nice blindmen are better…..
So…..this guy sounds like an option to get you off the property for at least a night out?
AND he’s GAY……what more can you ask for???
Think of all the help you could have around the property cutting wood, raking leaves with a brady bunch of grandkids visiting….
Come on Hens…..don’t be chicken noodle! It could very possible turn into an IRS write off…..a medical expense….
Ya remember….SEXUAL THERAPY!
If not….you know who’all be here waiting to dust you off……ME!
I SAY DO IT!!! Have dinner!
skylar,
I think the monkey story is so sad. I can’t even really comprehend it today.
I am feeling really sad today. Defeated.