When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
Henry:
We (and I really mean YOU) have a potential blind date situation here with a man named PHIL???
I don’t like the fact that it is a “friend of a friend” trying to make this connection for you. From my own experience, friends seldom get it right when trying to fix me up with blind dates.
So, when a “friend of a friend” is trying to work their magic, it could be a disaster.
My advice is that you initially meet this Phil guy for coffee, or lunch…something during daylight hours.
Daytime first meetings are less threatening, and they are also shorter in duration.
That way, if there is no attraction/connection, you can have lunch and get out of there without too much time wasted or awkwardness.
If you meet him for lunch and decide that you really like him, and the feeling is mutual, then you can go ahead and make a second date to have dinner together.
That’s how I would do it, if I were in your shoes.
It’s best to enter a blind date situation with NO EXPECTATIONS and an OPEN MIND.
Hopefully, at the very least, you will meet a new friend.
Good Luck, Henry.
**Did you know that Dionne Warwick is Whitney Houston’s cousin?? Anyway, that’s just a little trivia nugget about Dionne Warwick, and I am sure it all leads back to Kevin Bacon, somehow. Right???
Isn’t everything supposed to lead back to Kevin Bacon??? 😉
Henry
Potential prospect! expect nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that way there is no disapointment! No funny buisness! Look inside this person for real true interest in you! If ya want a fling they are a dime a dozen. If ya want a relationship they are rare as , shooting stars! IMHO! The only person we fool is our selves! Love ya Henry!
I hope Dionne sang this one:
……Keep smiling, keep shining, knowing you can always count on me, for sure.
That’s what friends are for.
For good times and bad times, I’ll be on your side forever more.
That’s what friends are for.
~Performed by Dionne Warwick, Gladys Knight, & Stevie Wonder (1985)
~Lyrics: Elton John
~Written by: Bacharach
skylar, I wonder if the mother chimp had been strong enough to push Flint off… if it would have had a completely different ending… but why didn’t he grow up? Interesting & sad.
Witsend, sorry you’re sad. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m just always investigating the root of this disorder and thought this article had some insight.
SC, that’s what I wonder too. Is the parasitical monkey already that way or did her acquiescense create the situation?
How long would he have raged if she ignored him.
After she died, could other monkeys have become his “supply”?
Skylar,
Interesting article about the chimps.
When I did an analysis of similar traits, and life circumstances that each of my (3) ex N/S/P’s had in common, I was surprised to find that all three had unhealthy attatchments and dependancies on their Mother’s, and, at the same time, expressed a loathing, and hatred for their mothers.
Is it genetic? The ex husband N/S/P was adopted. All we know about his birth father is that he had been arrested early in his mother’s pregnancy, and was in jail the entire pregnancy. The birth mother never told the father about the baby. She gave him up for adoption, before the father found out.
Both parents of the adopted family are Narcisisstic, at the very least.
What is so scary, from the outside looking into this family system, they seem like one big, well adjusted, happy, functional, accepting, compassionate family, that attends Church, every Sunday.
When I came into this family, I felt like I was walking into a big beautiful,well maintained, mansion (metephorically speaking). Once inside, and the door closed behind me, it was like being trapped inside a haunted house.
Not only my ex has major personality disorders, so does his mother, father and step mother, older sister, and younger brother. They all have to have drama, and someone must be sacrified for their feeding frenzy. If there isn’t an (in-law) to bash, trash, accuse, blame, and plot against, then they will turn on each other, choose sides, then war it out.
Sadly, now that the grandkids have reached the age of mid 20’s through my youngest (9), my ex and his siblings will toss their own children into the feeding frenzy; especially if the child does not play by the rules of their delusions.
The rules are to make the parent and grandparents look good at any price; even at the expense of making yourself look bad. Never notice the dysfunction, and especially don’t comment or question it. Don’t expect your boundaires to be respected; because you don’t have the right to have boundaires. When the grandparents say jump, you must already be 10 feet off the ground anticipating thier demand, otherwise, consider yourself “cut out” of the family.
Being “cut out” means you will be isolated, alienated, and talked badly about, plotted against, jokes will circulate that are aimed at you, like darts, and you are the dart board.
The father uses the promise of inheritance to control everyone. If you don’t worship him and agree to hate who he hates, then you’ll be cut out of his life, and his will. At least this is what he threatens. By next year, if it suits him, you could be his proclaimed favorite. Don’t get too excited, though. Being his chosen favorite, is only for the purpose of his desire to alienate, and piss somebody else off. Once this is no longer entertaining, you’ll be dropped kicked again.
What a freakin circus show they were/are.
Thank you, Lord, for plucking me and the kids out of that nightmare.
Witsend –
I’m sorry you are feeling defeated. There are many here, with much greater wisdom then I have. They will have elaquent words of advice.
For me, when I am feeling defeated, exhausted, weary, and gloomy, I tell myself it’s like watching a scary movie (which I hate), and it will soon, enough be over. This too, shall pass.
(((Hugs)))
Isabell, you have a goldmine.
Just take a hidden video camera with you when you visit and start filming. It’s a sitcom in the making! So easy, lights, camera, action.
Then just find a network to buy the rights.
Seriously, I love your description of their interactions and motivations. It’s so spot on. It sounds like my family.
Wait, now henry dumped Dionne Warwick for a blind guy named Phil? Wow, I just can keep up with your love lives!
I went to a costume party tonight. I had to drag myself out of obligation to a co-worker, but I ended up having a good time and even won the “cutest costume” award.
Go star!!!! Glad you had a good time!!!! It always seems we have to drag oursleves out …..then once out….we have a good time!!!!! Good for you!
Oh, henry’s moved on alright…….read what we have been up to tonight……on the other thread….
We can’t keep up with ol’ henry……