When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
Witsend darling, dont feel defeated. been there, done that got the Tshirt. I feel sorry for you though, you still have to live with your P son. I DO know what its like to be scared shitless of your own child, I was. You are RIGHT to feel scared,no-one believed me at the time, and no one was on my side. I was living with a P alcoholic husband, two p teenagers, and was emotionally abused by all three and physically abused by two of them. I think if I hadnt escaped, either my P daughter or my ex might have killed me. I had no-one to confide in, the police did nothing, the one time I did call the police and tell them how my ex and older daughter were treating me, my ex told them a pack of lies, and guess what? they believed him and left.!Looking back, its a wonder I didnt go mad. I do believe if Id stayed Id either be crazy or dead by now. I was gaslighted by all 3 of them, and this was before I even had heard of gaslighting! I thought I was losing my mind.If your gut tells you to look out,and if you are scared of your son, you must either kick him out, or get the hell out, go someplace else, dont tell him where your going.Its NOT normal teenage behaviour, its EVIL, and you have the right to fear for your life and sanity. Dont wait till your beaten down, sick, and tormented, like poor Lily. Get the f–k out now, change the locks, or move. THEY are capable of killing, without a shred of conscience, they HAVE no conscience.You must NOW look after YOU, its about your survival now, let him go, and bloody good riddance. They never change, they are malevolent beings. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME for the way he is, and hell NEVER CHANGE!!!Believe me! Ive waited 30 years for my P daughters to change, hasnt happened yet.Cut your losses, and GO!! and good luck,Love and prayers for you, dear. GemXX
Rosa~! Dionne Warwich did sing that song..and she is whitneys aunt ( I think) thanks (all) for the advice on the blind date – it has not been arranged yet, the match maker is still working on the details..hey I will meet him for lunch and if neither one of us puke! , maybe it will be someone nice – nice and kind and respectful – I can smell a P a mile away so dont yall fear..I am becoming such a recluse – any excuse for an outing would be good…Star glad you had a good time last nite did your costume include a skillet? We had a party on another thread last nite – I think the full moon made us act like kids for awhile – you should of been there I had the best costume~!
I am no longer the person I was before I met my sociopath. However, I do NOT like the person I have become. I may be wiser, I may be smarter, I may depend on myself more then I ever did before. I no longer expect someone else to complete any part of me. Some may say that is a good thing. I will never be the one who does though.
I miss the person who trusted every one and every thing. I miss believing that ever dark cloud had a silver lining. I miss believing in Santa clause and the tooth fairy, not literally, and yet if there was any doubt about something, I would believed.
Unfortunately, I believed also in him. The hole in me was that I thought I was put on this earth to do something important. I no longer believe that… I believe I am only an ant and nothing more. I know some would miss me, and perhaps for more then a few weeks. My daughters, my granddaughter, and maybe others. However I no longer believe that the would in general would miss me. I no longer believe that there is a space in time that only I could uniquely fit in, and that it would create a black hole in life, if you will, if I wasn’t here to fill it.
I believed in him, and no only he stabbed me in the back while smiling to my face, but every one who has believed his lies… both friend and foe, have also injured me for all eternity.
I am looking at having to go back into the work place in January, to a lead worker who only wanted to use me and have an affair, but kept it a secret FROM ME and every one else for two years, while he ruined my marriage, and both my life and my then husbands life, as he wove his lies to draw me in.
I get to go back to a boss, who to this day thinks I made up 95% of the story. Even though he had a gut feeling that made him go back over and over to my lead worker to ask if anything was going on, he believed him every time he lied, and some how didn’t bother to ask me.
I get to go back to a department manager who apparently was one of very few that actually knew this man was a cad, and told me to my face that IT WAS MY FAULT, because I KNEW he was a womanizer.
And then there is HR, which SHOULD make the work place safe for all workers, threatening to fire me if I dare to warn any of the other woman that this man is targeting. After all, we can’t have the workplace a hostile place for the poor sociopath!
I’m different then I was. I used to believe my intuition, and my ability to read people. I used to trust that if I didn’t defend myself, GOD would protect me. I used to believe that someone who knew someone for 15 yrs, would actually know the person well enough to let you know what they were really like.
I no longer believe any one or anything.
Am I a better person? Some might think so, since at 52 yrs old, I am no longer child like in my faith. However, I don’t like the person I am now, any more then I like the rest of the world.
The only meaning I could possibly get out of what happened, was if I was able to put on a mask like Zoro or Batman, and rid the world of lowlife scum like him. But there are to masked hero’s in the real world, and more then there are fairy’s or dreams that come true.
sherry,
welome. You are not alone. You are experiencing what each of us has and still does experience. There are no pat answers, it’s a process, your brain needs to adjust to this new knowledge and incorporate it into your new reality. It’s really hard at our age but it will happen.
Give thanks that you have a job. It’s a treasure.
My only suggestion for self protection is to carry a phone that has video camera capacity and lots of storage. When you must have contact with the sociopath, make sure the video camera is running. It doesn’t have to point toward anything in particular, just as long as it’s getting audio and video. Then send the video as an email attachment to your home computer.
Sherri, I’m not anywhere near healed but my survival depended on learning everything possible about this disorder.
I search for more knowledge and understanding each day because that is how I’m going to integrate this parallel world of evil into my old fantasy land of good. It also gives me a purpose and it gives me confidence and strength to face people and believe in my ability to judge again.
Here are 4 quotes by Joseph Campbell that may help you.
It is by going down into the abyss
that we recover the treasures of life.
Where you stumble,
there lies your treasure.
Opportunities
to find deeper powers within ourselves
come when life seems most challenging.
We must be willing to get rid of
the life we’ve planned,
so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
The old skin has to be shed
before the new one can come.
If you can see your path laid out
in front of you step by step,
you know it’s not your path.
Your own path you make with every step you take.
That’s why it’s your path
Skylar:
Thank you for those fantastic quotes!
They apply to so many of us going through life changing experiences and transformtions when we dont know what the future holds!
I will print these and keep them at hand for my own inspiration…..as this is a very scary uncertain time for me.
wishing you and all here on LF, peace, wisdom, patients, and the strenght to move forward with dignity and clarity.
your welcome aeylah,
if I can give hope to anyone even for a moment (with Joseph Campbell’s genius to lean on, of course), it makes it more bearable to me that I had to suffer 25 years of P-hell.
I just saw a movie called Trapped, with Charlize Theron (a great actress) and Kevin Bacon.
It’s about a P (kevin bacon) who’s got his trojan P’s convinced to do evil with his sad (pity ploy) story of how his daughter died. The great thing about movies is that you can always spot the P and all his little P-tricks and p-trojans.
I see art (literature and movies) so differently than I used to. so much of the charcter development used to go right over my head and now it’s so full of meaning. All the P’s are after revenge for being wronged (real or imagined). The story is their driving force. How pathetic. My P said I reminded him of his mother whom he hates.
Dear Sherry,
I hear your pain…the “details” of what happened–the particular hell you are in are so similar to the pain and hurt that so many of us have been in or are in…but for those who have climbed out of the abyss, the memory of that pain is still very clear.
I am glad that you came here, Sherry, because this is a healing place with people who WILL believe you, who can relate to the particular pain of the betrayal and devaluation that only a psychopath can accomplish.
Knowledge is power, and you can heal, you can find that particular space in the universe that is UNIQUE TO YOU, that only YOU can fill. You are not valueless. This experience is painful, but it too is not valueless.
Believing in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy and that there is good in everyone is a comforting belief, but it is based on falsehood. “The truth will set you free, but FIRST IT WILL PITH YOU OFF” That is one of the favorite sayings here at LF and it is so true. The truth is painful, it will, however, set us free, free to BE and to LIVE, and LOVE and experience in a way that we never could ahve done when we believed in fairy tales. (((((hugs)))) and God bless you. Hang around and read, there are wonderful articles here (in the archives) and each one will help you on your journey toward PEACE!
Sherry Winter, Thank you for sharing your pain. I cried for you and for myself. You have described exactly how I feel and what I feel. Yet, we must go on, we must adjust to the new selves and to the fact that those who have not known the deepest sense of the ultimate betrayal will never be able to understand why we just don’t write it off as a “bad investment” and move on.
I share your pain and I share your fear. Is there a way to switch from your department/ your location/ to avoid seeing him or hearing of him? this will only be another reminder of how unfair the world is. there is no truth in our fighting for others to SEE. It only makes things more complicated and lonely for us.
Stepfather is a good film. It is full of triggers. I don’t know why I insisted that my kids and I go to that very movie. I think I wanted to investigate. I think I wanted to remember. I may have been masochistic or trying to prove to myself that it’s all in my head. It is true: I would like to actually believe I am making things up, and they are not so, or had never been so. My kids were able to watch the movie. Luckily, the theater was empty, because every few minutes they exclaimed: “MOM
“Mom, it’s just like the P”.
As I walked outside with them, wiping away my tears and apologizing to them for putting them in harm’s way, not listening to their concerns and choosing to ignore the signs, but instead listening to the P, my teenager said to me: “Look at the bright side. Someone had been through what we had been through and made a movie about it. We too will have the P out of our lives”.
May God be with you during these hard times, Sherry, or whatever Truth is out there. May it make your return smoother and memories fainter.