When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
Sherry Winter…
Thank you for writing what I feel. My kids believe I can make magic out of anything. I used to believe the same about my Mom. And, I suppose behind the magic is a passionate hope that ultimately, all things are good.
Not anymore. I too question the person I’ve become. I no longer flutter with hope that is magical, faith filled, or child like. At 49, I’ve become cautious, questioning, suspicious — Flat.
And, it is this very “flatness” that concerns me. After my first sociopath, who swept me off my feet, destroying an innocent, and beautiful relationship, to survive him, I had to become him. And, in that I realized… I lost my innocence.
I didn’t learn, however. I went on to find the most subtle, with cult like family system of S/N/Ps to subject myself. How brilliant is that?
My younger three have recently met the the N-father of their older sibling. Their alarms went off, with RED FLAGS waving. And, I have to wonder… why didn’t that happen to me, when I met him?
Dear Isabell,
“Life is a tough teacher, she gives the TEST FIRST, and the lesson AFTERWARDS” I’m not sure who first said that, but it is so true, I think.
We learn when we are READY to learn and the conditions are right. I am glad yuour kids are getting the lessons NOW and not having to wait til later. So there IS A BRIGHT SIDE to this pain, there is a good side, we are finally learning, and it is a growth opportunity, a painful lone, albeit, but an opportunity, nonetheless. ((((hugs)))))
I have been on a job rotation/developmental, for almost a year now to get away from the situation. The bosses who let me know it was ME who was the problem, set it up so that I wouldn’t ROCK THE BOAT, when I had a break down at work. Their hope was that I would come back in a year with new skills, and enough distance from the CRIMES committed against me that they could continue on like nothing had happened.
But no amount of time will remove the injury to my life or my heart. I try to tell people, “It’s not JUST what he did to me, that makes it an impossible environment. It’s having to watch what he is continuing to do to others day after day. No one will ever thank me for what I’ve done. I actually saved his Florida mistress years of manipulation by planting things around the house before she showed up for their 14 day vacation to AZ together. He picked up and hid every thing I owned in his house. My shampoo, razors, and scrubber in the shower. My perfume, and women’s products in the bathroom. Half a closet of clothes were neatly packed in the back so no one could see.
Every thing was hidden under layers and layers of HIS things, where there was no possibility of her finding it to confirm my phone call to her that I’d made months before. Every thing EXCEPT the earrings by MY side of the bed. It was enough to let her know that 10 days a year with him was not enough to keep him celibate to her alone. So she offered to move 3000 miles to be with him. Except he dumped her, not for me, but for someone else he’d been sleeping with for 2 yrs RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE.
She’s a nice lady, we contact each other once in a while, but it is always painful. Nothing like two woman arguing over who the Sociopath that was ruining their life liked more, to make you wonder what planet you’re from! Still, he would have continued to live his split life, here and 3000 miles away, with confidence that she would never be close enough to find out about his other lovers, if I had not contacted her, and left evidence at his house to validate my claims.
She will never thank me, but she’s free because of me. As is one of my co-workers. I started crying at her desk one day when I heard her voice, and I talked about his florida mistress, and about the woman in portland that he’d been sleeping with for two years right under my nose, and she turned green. That is when I put 2 and 2 together, and all the signs I’d tried to ignore about her and him. Yup, he’d been with her since before our break up.
Then I caught them leaving together when I wanted to talk to him about something. Secretive, not wanting any one to know, and when I told my boss, “it’s not just me, he’s doing it to her too!” they told me to never bother the woman again because she was going through a hard time. YUP, a hard time so he had an opening to manipulate her. She still gives me looks that could kill when I pass her in the parking lot. She did not appreciate me interfering. I’m sure she still thinks that it’s because of ME that he broke up with her. I suppose in a sense it was, because if I hadn’t blown the whistle on him, no one would have been paying attention, and he would have continued his affair with her, while the woman up in portland would be his OFFICIAL girlfriend that his family knew about.
Every one thinks I’m crazy. No one will ever really understand. I have a fiance now, but I’ve put the wedding on hold. I like him, but I don’t really believe in love any more. It just seemed better to retire with someone I liked, verses alone. He’s always saying I need to close the door, and start a new life with him. But I really don’t want a NEW LIFE, I want the OLD LIFE that my sociopath stole from me back! But even if I got my ex back, it would never be the same. I am not the same person, my ex has suffered at his hand too… we can never go back.
The wedding is on hold because I’m not so sure I just don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. Every day alone looks better and better. All the prior victims of this sociopath that I know have also made it clear they never want to live with a man again… that being alone is so much better then trusting any one. It was never who I was before… I always got my joy by what I did for others.. but now, I think just being alone and giving only to ME for the rest of my life sounds better.
I have tried to get a full time job here where I’m working. It had looked like it would happen, and then the job market got as crazy as the stock market. People with 30+ yrs of experience applying for jobs way below them, and I only have 6-7 years experience in this field. And then the one question during interviews I fear seem to pop up over and over… “How do you deal with conflict in the work place?” OMG, I’d never HAD to before him… and the one with him, is so horrid that I’ve been told a dark shadow covers my face as soon as the question is asked, and no words from me are even needed… the employers just run the other way!
Now many of the jobs that they were going to put me into here, have been stopped because of budget cuts… and I simply don’t know what to do. I may just need to have my nurse UP my depression/panic attack meds to a point where I’m just numb, to be able to function when I have to move back in january.
I’ve had some suggest that I just take ANY job, to get away. I gave up all my retirement to go back to school to become a programmer when I was still married. My retirement was based on my husbands retirement! My Sociopath took that away from me. He took away a life time of competing with horses.
If I quit a good paying job, for a nothing position, he will have taken away my career from me… with the lessor pay, I wouldn’t be able to make the $2100 mortgage on my farm. I’ve kept that farm through 2 divorces, and with the market for homes the way it is, I would lose over $100,000 of equity in it.
He’s taken enough from me… maybe even my soul, I don’t think he needs to take my career, my home, or any thing else that I actually have left of what was a good life until he came into it! My shrink says do ANYTHING rather then going back to that IT Shop, even wait on tables. I just can’t do that. I gave up too much to get there, and gave up almost every thing else because of the sociopath. I need to keep what little is left of my shattered life.
Hi everyone!
This post really hit home, OX. I am the person whose traits you described. I have never felt good enough, have been afraid of success, and have always felt that my purpose in life is to do for others. My first husband said he never loved me, this after 22 yrs of marriage, treated me terribly. We divorced two years later. I put up with emotional abuse and his substance abuse and sex addiction (porn and other women) and his family who thought that he married far benieth him. I felt that I had failed and that I shouldn’t even live. All I could think about was dying but I couldn’t because I have two amazing sons who didn’t deserve to have their mother dead.
I then met a man who dated me and treated me worse than my ex. He insulted me, and told me that if I gained even as little as one half of a pound, that he would leave me.
I thought so little of myself that I let him destroy my self esteem further. I stopped seeing him and he resurfaced when he learned that my house sold. He had thought that he was going to get some money. That is the only reason that he dated me to begin with.
When I met my second husband, I was still very vulnerable and I now know that he zeroed in on me. He thought that I had money and that I would be inheriting quite a bit from my parents. He had seen our B&B and saw dollar signs. My home was also a B&B and was a very impressive place.
He swept me off my feet and my family thought he was fantastic. My youngest son thought he was going to have a “father”. After the wedding ceremony, he went from being”DR. Jekyll” to “Mr. Hyde”. He would belittle me, he stopped saying that he loved me, except for every now and then, when he would say it to get me to feel happy, then he would get pleasure out of saying hurtful things and withdrawing affection. I left him after ten weeks. I found out that he only wanted money. He had written an ex girlfriend emails on our wedding night instead of sleeping with me.
He was unfaithful from the beginning of our relationship as I later found out. During our brief marriage he definitely was sleeping with other women. I have proof of all of this, but still I lost nearly $70,000. Between my two ex’s, I don’t have any extra money, but I am working and building up my credit. They both make over six figures a piece and they made off with my money, but I am free of them. I am finally divorced as of today from my N/P (second ex) and I do have regrets, but I quit beating myself up about it. I am working on changing the way I feel about myself, which at my age (53) it is a difficult process.
I have had more changes in my life over the past three years than most people have in twenty, and the surprising thing is that I am more resilient than I ever imagined I could be.
I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust again. Maybe it is better that I don’t. I also don’t see myself getting married again. I need to know that I am fine on my own and try to like myself.
Thank you all for being here for each other. I read all of your post’s and I feel that we are like a family. People you can share good and bad with and still feel accepted.
Dear OxDrover,
“Life is a tough teacher, she gives the TEST FIRST, and the lesson AFTERWARDS”
I’ve always said that I tend to learn backwards.
If my experience is for the benefit of teaching my kids (early in their lives) the lessons, so they won’t have to bed tested, unprepared, then I will consider it all joy!
They have remarkable laser vision and can spot “creepy” no matter how it’s disquised.
Maybe this is because I believe kids have clearer perceptions then adults, and as such, I’ve honored their perceptions. They are SURE of what they KNOW, and don’t need anyone’s validation to confirm.
I, on the other hand, was taught VERY EARLY to not notice the violations inflicted by others or I would be guilty, punished, seperated from my loved ones, or worse. I was taught it’s my fault to notice; not their fault to have acted badly. (As I type this… that’s exactly how my ex is. He’d get mad at the kids if they cried in pain, when he was wrestling with them, instead of stopping to make sure they were ok, and apologize. He would say to them… “Oh, you’re alright. I didn’t hurt you. You are fine. Stop being such a baby. Well, if you didin’t…. and he’d go on, and on blaming them for his overly agressive behavior.” )
I’ve spent most of my life trying to figure people out, as if the explination of their evil behavior would make the pain they inflict, less painful.
Recently as I was pondering the reasons behind some of my ex’s behavior, my oldest daughter stopped me and said…
“Mom, some people are just BAD people. They are evil. Period. There’s no explination, no sad childhood story that justifies the evil in them. Because there are a lot of people who have had sad childhoods (including yourself) that do not grow up to become evil. So, except it for what it is. He’s evil. He’s a BAD person. And, that’s what I’m going to teach my son. Some people are BAD and Evil. I’ll point them out, and tell him… Stay away from Bad and Evil people.”
I guess you could say this is evidence that my kids are learning the lessons early.
Ox, thank you for your wisdom, insights, and warmth. I do appreciate all that you’ve shared with me, and others.
Dear Sherry,
I hear your pain and most people do NOT get it, they think we should suck it up and move on, it’s not so easy.
However, i do suggest you don’t make big decisions just based on money—I found out that STUFF is just stuff, and I literally ran for my life, leaving everything I owned of any value behind…I was fortunate in the end to save it and be able to come back to my house (this was a family member not a lover) but the thing is I AM MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN STUFF.
As far as marrying someone else just to have “someone” I sincerely suggest that you spend some time ALONE and get your “stuff all in one sock” before you even consider another relationship. Unfortunately, NO ONE can rescue us from the pain we must do that ourselves and relationships take a lot of energy that we need to spend on ourselves. I am a widow, and I tried to find a relationship because I was lonely and didn’t want to spend the res t of my life “alone” and believe me, ALONE is better, I pickd a P. Fortunately I didn’t marry him. found out he only wanted another respectable wife to keep his harem at bay.
Stay around here and read and learn and de-stress yourself. Don’t worry about tomorrow, try to be good to yourself today and make today a good, peaceful day. One day at a time. (((hugs)))
JFOG and Isabell, thank you I’m glad my words helped you today! that’s what LF is all about! ((((hugs))))) Oxy
Why would someone who was a ‘friend’ for 16 years steal and lie about me? Why did I let it happen? I was so blind. My therapist tells me ‘don’t let him take up any more room in your head.’ How was I so stupid?
Jazzy, they were envious of you. It is their nature to be envious so they stole what you had, both your possessions and your reputation. They want to leave you with nothing because of their envy.
Be glad that you found out that there are people like this and be vigilent because they are subtle and will hide it for years.
Thanks so much for responding. It’s been a year since I kicked him out, but I’m still so angry…at him, but at myself, too. I’m disabled and housebound because of agoraphobia. I developed that and PTSD because I was terrified of his stalking. My only outlet was a chat room where I had been accepted for a year. He spammed that with horrible lies about me, and I was booted out and found myself alone. No matter what I posted, I was seen as the enemy.
After I was isolated, he tried to come back into my life through email. phone calls, and phone calls to an elderly neighbor across the street. I contacted a victims group, and they helped me through almost a year of sleepless nights. Even though i was threatened online…’Karma is going to get you, and I’m going to make sure it happens!’, the local police were no help. I considered what he was doing was stalking, but the police were kind but not very concerned about my safety. I was told that if he showed up, to call them…they were just a few minutes away. I didn’t get a restraining order because I was advised by a victim’s advocate that it could escalate him into violence.
So, he’s still out there, but I’m still angry, disgusted with myself, and I’m still afraid to go out my front door. I feel so stupid. I’m a very nice lady, kind to animals and people that I meet when I do manage to get out. I’ve never been an angry person, I hate what I have become.
Will I ever get past this and heal? I wish I had found this site site a year ago. Thank you SO MUCH for all the stories everyone has shared.
Agoraphobia responds well to treatment. Has your therapist addressed this? PTSD also responds to treatment.
And yes, you WILL get past this and heal! The advise your therapist gave you is worth trying. See the posts under M.L. Gallagher. There is one titled something like “No Contact Starts in My Head”. It is really useful for your situation I think!