When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
Don’t rebury it Erin, use a safe deposit box, aren’t those totally confidential?
NO!
In theory…..
I’m just worried about someone else unearthing it again. Everytime you want to spend some money, you got go out with a shovel. Been there, done that. it makes you paranoid.
Kim,
you have grandkids. These are people who wouldn’t EXIST without your sacrifices, your efforts and the decisions you made in life. They will have kids and you will go on forever.
You could have had an abortion like I did when I was 15 and then you’d really have nothing to show for it.
Plus, you should know that I always look forward to your witty remarks and your anecdotes about Pinky-doodle.
has he worn his sweater anymore?
EB, Henry and Skylar, Thanks.
I don’t know for sure what normal is, but I know I’m not quite it.
Yes, I’m greatfull for my kids and grandkids. They are IT.
Pinky-doodle HATES his sweater, but it looks so cute on him.
I took pictures, and he may never wear it again, but I think I’ll send the picture to channel four, next year for the Florida-Georgia rivalry.
I’m trying to figure out how to knit hand puppets for my grand-kids for X-mas…..
kim… “I’m afraid to even really open up here because I feel so f”“cked up.”
I’m right there with you!!!
I admit I have had a shovel and been out digging in my mother’s backyard (she passed away 2 years ago). But I did it in broad daylight, well, she has a fence around her yard, there is no forest. Haven’t found anything but there was talk with sister about a metal detector. We don’t really have anything to go on like EB, we’re just insane, did find something hidden in the house.
Well guys, I feel like the idiot who just posts whatever the heck she’s thinking and doesn’t censor it. I KNOW I’m fucked up but thought it was ok to just admit it here.
Today I remembered something I did as a little 4-year old. My mom’s elderly neighbor came over to chat and have coffee. My mother had “confided” in me that this neighbor wore too much makeup, in her opinion. No sooner did this neighbor sit down, and I ran up and told her, “mommy said you wear too much makeup.” LOL.
My mother was mortified and it only took me a second to realize I’d screwed up. But kids will be kids.
I’m not that bad anymore 🙂 but I still feel compelled to just tell it like it is. Anything else seems like a waste of effort.
thanks, Shabby. It feels good to know I’m not alone.