When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
skylar, even though you comment was to Donna, I would like to say that I love your vision… “so that a new me could be built”, what a great idea! P-proofed… priceless!
OXY:
I agree…..we gotta do what we gotta do to just ‘get by’…….she needs anything and everything she can get to divert her attention to her healing…..she is in a bad place, where the unnecessary ‘drama’ could be the last dagger!
I say…..put that dagger into the voodoo doll and forget about it, even if it is a false reality…doesn’t matter, she needs it to get through!
She is in fight or flight mode, and at this point the flight could be final and she needs the fight for herself ONLY!
Give her my love……and THANK YOU OXY for being such a loving and wonderful friend to our Lily!
XXOO
EB
sstiles,
you need to cry, first. this will help.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl6yilkU1LI
Read the lyrics here:
http://www.lyrics007.com/Tracy%20Chapman%20Lyrics/Fast%20Car%20Lyrics.html
I know this because you have been trying to be tough your whole life. You carried all the weight on your shoulders and you were going to make it no matter what. But everytime you put your burden down for a moment, you were sabotaged. Yes, your dad was the original instigator. He is a P and he slimed you with hurt. He slimed your whole family. He did it because someone slimed him first.
You have to jettison what your dad did to you first. Then, one by one, you have to jettison each of the husbands who hurt you. They may not be around but you are carrying them still. Just like Donna said, we are “crumbling into piles of debris”. Get rid of the debris and start with a clean slate. Everything they made you feel was a lie. You can’t trust any of it. You can’t know what was real and what was a con.
LF has some of the blue print for your new building. You will find the rest as you go over the memories of where you were fractured.
I know it sounds contrary to say that you need to jettison the xP’s but also keep the memories. I mean to say that you need to jettison the slimey emotions they left you. But still see the history through curious eyes. Eyes that want to learn about you and about them and about humanity.
Kathleen and Stargazer gave me so much help the other day because I couldn’t sit by myself and think about how I was slimed by my P-parents. They got me to talk about it and reflect on it.
Maybe you might read this, if you haven’t already.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/10/09/running-your-life-like-a-business/#comment-52433
Hi everyone,
I have been mostly lurking this evening and not feeling like posting much because I feel a little anxious and depressed for various reasons. I’m just trying to sleep better and get some nutrients in my body. I’m really in need of a massage and trying to figure out a way to afford it. This is one of my issues, feeling like I have to give to others but there is no one to take care of my needs.
ssstiles,
Thank you for telling your story. I have no great insights for you this evening, but I feel like I know you better. You’ve had a hard life, and it’s probably hard to trust that things can really get better. I grew up in a cloud of darkness so to speak, and I can relate to the unworthiness you felt as a child. I am really struggling to let myself be happy and trust that things will improve.
Oxy, thanks for the update about Lily. I am so glad she is having a temporary reprieve from the painful associations with her family. I’m sure the peace is good for her. I hope she pulls through this.
Shabbychic & Slylar,
I am just so tired of working all the time, & having nothing to show for it. I work 2 jobs, 1 full time, the other part time doing odd jobs like landscaping or cleaning rentals for my landlord to get a break on my rent. I also clean his & his wife’s house every 2 weeks, it’s big, so it takes me 6-8 hrs. to do it like she likes. Most nights, I’m lucky to stay awake past 9 or 10, then back up at 6 am to do it again. I’m just finding it more difficult everyday to feel hope or joy in anything. I feel like I’ve spent all my life trying to be good enough, & failing miserably at that. My kids are all grown, & out on their own, so they don’t much need me for anything. I have always hated asking anyone to help me with anything. That would be a sign of weakness. I was never allowed to say the words “I can’t” when I was growing up. You couldn’t show fear either. I even feel bad just saying those things about my dad, he thought he was doing the right thing. I’ve never told him how I feel. I think I felt sorry for mom for being married to him, & I was mad at her for dying & leaving me to take care of him. It’s weird, though, he is known by a lot of people in the small town we live in, he never met anyone he couldn’t strike up a conversation with, most people know me as his daughter, instead of just me. He is well liked, I am invisible. I hoped my life would mean something, that I would be good at something. How do I ever find out out who I am or what I want? I’ve been the rock for everyone for so long, & now that I need a rock,there’s none.
Dear Star,
If you can’t afford a massage, take you a nice soaking hot bath and light the candles in the bathroom, and if you like fragrance, pour some in the bath (I love the smell but the oils irritate my sinuses so cant use them) but I had a great soak tonight, all hte way up to my neck, then meditated a bit to relax while I was in the tub and it was not quite as effective as a massage might have been, but it sure beat not doing it, I came out feeling like a new human being.
Even if we can’t have “perfection’ or the “preferred” thing, we CAN do some nice things for ourselves to make us feel better and cheer us up—when your muscles are tight you know how rotten that makes you feel, I bet! I also back up to a door frame and “massage” myself some too.
((((hugs))) do something nice for Star!
Donna- Everything on your mistaken belief list described me. I can remember saying ” I only seem to attract loser’s”, the truth was I was only attracted to loser’s. I never felt good enuff or deserving enuff to have a winner, why would a winner want me? I have failed at so much, one mistake after another. But as you say, it happened for a reason. I am not saying the S was not to blame for what he did. He did appear as my long lost soulmate, the one I had always dreamed of. But when the mirror cracked I felt like a fool. I think this is a wonderful article – thanks again for saving my life Donna Anderson.
sstiles – The movie director Oliver Stone once said he could take anybody off the street and make a movie about their life. Everyone has a story, he said. sstiles. my heart breaks for you, I wish there was someone to bring some joy into your life, someone to hold your hand and help you and be there for you. I have that empty nest thing happening too me. That is one of the reasons the xS fell in my lap. I am nobody if I am not taking care of somebody. Now sstiles I am going to take care of me, I am going to be my rock. Thanks for sharing your life here at LF.
🙂 Oxy, I take baths every day. Maybe I need some epsom salts though.
Star, can you trade massages with another practitioner?
Do you want to talk about what’s bothering you? My finances are my biggest worry. Seriously, I can’t seem to get a handle on it. I’m so used to living in fantasy land that whenever I even think about money, I think of the P.
Henry, I’m with you on that. I need to take care of others, but I think it’s so I don’t have to focus on my problems.
SStiles,
your dad is an N and the root of your problems. My P-parents are so well loved by everyone they know. When I meet their acquaintances (notice that they don’t actually have any FRIENDS), they GUSH about how wonderful my parents are. Everyone loves them. They have no idea that we’re the Adams family. They have perfected their veneer. The only way to judge some P’s is to look at their damaged children. Every single one of us is messed up ROYALLY.
Please consider your ability to work 2 jobs as a gift, not a curse. I don’t have the good health you do, so I envy you.