When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
SC, Assclowns and boogers, too!
I can’t seem to stay awake any longer, took my pill.
Love you all, gnite.
Yeah, mine said that about me when I was 110! And when I was pregnant, he wanted me to diet while the dr. wanted me to eat!
My boobs were too big because they were “more than a hand full” but God took those away and they were too small. It’s impossible to please them, They’d think a model should fix themselves for the p. No one is as good looking and perfect as them, in their own minds. They should quit looking there and take a look in a mirror. I told the p finally, “have you look in the mirror lately? I’m the only one this stupid, so get over yourself, no one else is knocking the door down to get you.”
I used to sell CD’s for the N’s band and he told me that the “other” band members wanted to get someone young and attractive to sell the CD’s. So first I said “YOU CAN TELL THEM TO GO F*CK THEMSELVES”, and then I said “maybe if there was someone young and attractive IN THE BAND SOMEONE WOULD BUY A CD”. OMG… he was SO pissed. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! I never sold another CD, and nobody else did either, they had to do it themselves.
goodnight Sky…sleep tight!
Shabbychic, that is hilarious!!! I love it!
Okay…here comes the open book…..and a very humiliating moment in time……for me…..
But I will lead the way in opening up, so henry doesn’t feel alone……
We were on vacation at my brothers…..something HE NEVER joined us on……but, I bathed the kids, jumped in the shower and went to bed…..of course the S was all over me, the groping and sex………with the disgusting, big as a house, too many freckles, boobs and butt, ugly haired, dirt under nails, fat, non attractive, bitch and horrible bon-bon eating, non sex liking wife he chose to stay with………
There really wasn’t much left to attack……I was pretty worthless in his eyes…..and I had questioned how….if he felt this way about me……why he stayed?????
Anyways…..this night, during sex…..he abruptly stops……just stops……in silence…..I’m sitting there thinking, WTF? He is silent…..until……he says…..can you go wash your ass….you stink and I can’t come!
I had just gotten out of the shower…WTF…..I am a clean person…….(I won’t even defend this …I will stop!)
Can you imagine the humiliation……what does one say to that…..how do you respond…..
It was such a personal deep attack, will NO response, no argument.
It was at that point forward, I started attacking back…..with the same sort of things…….
I was tired of all the years of being a peice of shit……and wondering what I could do better for him…….so I started dishing, attacking his personal vulnerabilities……
I told him his penis smelled odd and until he could figure out how to make it smell better, I wasn’t paying a visit down in that ses pool!
I think Henry’s advice was spot on – go through your own process, whatever it is but just don’t let the past define you, we all deserve to go forward with new lives – forget about who we were, we don’t have to be victims anymore. Don’t think I’m saying this like I’ve got it handled, it’s just a new attitude I want to reinforce each day.
Erin – last night was so fun – like Oxy said, it felt like a great sleep-over…still want you to find your deserved treasure…hope you’re still working on your routine!
Erin: Feel foolish, posted over something meaningful you just shared so–bad timing…I guess this is a site for sharing things no matter what – but personally, I’d rather
keep those old things just that, personal. Feels like picking and repicking scabs after awhile. But I respect yours and other’s honesty in this.
EB, really… WTF???? There is no response to that!! I don’t even know what to say. I’m glad you started attacking back, jeez, I wonder if he tried to smell his penis! I hope he’s still worried about it!
ok,,, i told mine that when he got something to make his penis larger so I’d know when it was there, I’d THINK about doing something about my breasts… he had bought meds for like 900 dollars to make them larger my breasts that is…
He wanted me to play dead during sex! What is that but creepy. Of course I didn’t, what? He never did anything worth it!
He thought I should shower first, but since he “would have to shower after, why bother showering first”
ok, I wasn’t asleep yet and Erin, your post will give me nitemares!
You made the right call, but I bet soon after is when he started showing the mr. hyde personality.
I also stopped having sex w/mine and he began to deteriorate. I didn’t notice it right away, but I think that was the beginning of the end. He felt he had lost control.