When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
super chic
heavenbound, your response was to him was GREAT!! Ha ha… “so I’d know when it was there” PRICELESS
ErinBrock
Persephone:
I will never give up……I will work any and every angle as it has served me well thus far!
Share as much as you feel you can heal with…..no more no less…..
A part of me shares this sort of deep crap because I don’t want to own it……it’s nothing I’m ‘personally’ accepting as MINE…..You know what I mean….It’s him…..all of it was him…..
It’s like a rape victim afraid of speaking and telling the police of exactly what was done to her…….
We don’t ask for this abuse……we shouldn’t own it…..use our experience to heal ourselves….
we do need to connect with it…..but we don’t need it to define us.
It’s like when the DA called me and wanted one of my childrens input before she moved forward on a warrant…..
The s made threats of ‘letting out’ a story about one SON being raped by a pro football player and son being gay and liking it……(YES, totally untrue, wierd and YES this came from his father) He was trying to shut the kids up, with these threats of harassment…..because the kids had spoken to the judge and layed it all out……AND he knew and stated it would cause his kids harassment in the community…..
The DA wanted us to know that when he is arrested the documents, including the threat would be public information, even know they were minors. It was evidence and would be available to anyone. She wanted to know if the son wanted her to proceed with charges……given this knowledge….
HE said HELL YES! It’s not true, and to not be prosecuted would only confirm S lies…..and threats……and manipulations…
THis kid wasn’t going to ‘own’ his fathers abuse!!!!
He wasn’t going to run from the threats…..
I was so proud of him!
hens
erin dang you stepped out of your BOX with that story — They feel so inferior inside, they are so insecure, they truly loath themselves.. They love to kick us in the teeth at the most unexpected moments..When the X and I would go out to the clubs, I got hit on left and right and he would say how proud he was to be with me, but before the nite was over he would find a way to make me feel like warmed over shit..
super chic
EB, I just can’t imagine the humiliation. How cruel.
struggling
I so wish I could stay with you guys and share this night, but I have an early morning. I love you guys and hope you have a wonderful night!
Star…I’m sorry for your struggles. You’ll do great, I know you will!! Your in my prayers.
Good night to you all! Love hugs and prayers, heavenbound
ErinBrock
My tune changed at that point…..I was tired of all his shit….the kids and I had mostly been traveling for a few years….only home for a few weeks at a time…..then off again
I rented a place for 3 months down in Mexico, then went to europe for 2 months…..I homeschooled the kids during this time….IT WAS THE COOLEST!!!!
WIthout him!
But part of me thought when we would get home, the whole absence makes the heart grow fonder……bit……..BUT…..in this case, absense made the drug dealer sell more and become more of a dick and become comfy in his little bachelor world with out big ass and kids to hid life from……
It all changed……
I started saying to him…..Oh, are you done?
I would ‘go down’ and say……OOOHHHHHHHuuuugggggg, gag, gag can you go wash your ass, it stinks……
At that point each time he would jump up on the bathroom sink…..(THANK GOD WE HAD SEPARATE SINKS) and splash water on his ass…..come back and I said….yeah….didn’t help and just roll over!
I just started fighting back with horrid personal attacks, I wanted him to live and feel what I had and deteriorate his self esteem…..AND YES>……I’m sure he has ‘flashbacks’ or asks his new supplies if he smells or whatever……has bad breath from gut rot…….
I have a GF who is obsessive about washing her hands…..when we are on the phone….and she washes her hands it sounds like the same sound……splash splash, splash, splash……I cringed one time and i said to her…>WHAT are you doing????? She said washing my hands……I said….can you make a different sound, like rub differently……I told her the story…..and she was like OMG….I trigger you when I wash my hands……WE LAUGH SO HARD….but I have this vision of him straddleing the sink and ….splash splash, splash splash…..
ErinBrock
Good night SKY and Heaven……..
Sleep well…..and don’t dream of my butt!!!!!
Henry….It’s funny…..for all my flaws and horridness……Anytime I was away for longer than he thought was necessary…..I was always accused of having a boyfriend….
Now….how in the hell could I have a boyfriend with all the smells and fat and skankness I was possessing?
Hmmmm……..Yes..insecurities and PROJECION! Gotta keep the supply in line!
ErinBrock
We will never have enough money, looks, personality, smells, perfection, clothing, to ever make any ‘CLuster B representative’ happy……..
HENCE not trying……
We will always be belittled and never live up to any expectations……
Okay hens…..I’ll go back into my conservative box now…..
persephone7
Erin – you DO work every angle and it’s something I really like about you. For me, this last relationship still is too fresh, and there seemed to be some real
feeling in him so I can’t just start putting out specific details about him and myself. It’s something I have to absorb for myself, let it fall into place with
just me. I do remember having a man pull out during sex one time though, he was probably a narcissist looking back and just a very depressed person, and
he wasn’t critical of me at the time but I remember just being incredulous! There I was, loving him – what I thought was body and soul, and he just casually
did that to go use the bathroom – I realize nature calls but his attitude about it was so cold – I was about 22 and it just crushed me! And I continued being infatuated with him, even after he slipped hash oil in my coffee one day without my knowledge – I was at least smart enough about that to know this wasn’t a road i wanted to go down, but as they say, what a royal jerk! My boundaries had so many gates and openings, he just went for it!
And I’ve had some nice guys but my share of jerks since, always thinking there’s something bright and shiny there if I can just polish it up… Heading for bed now, sweet dreams to all.
ErinBrock
Persephone:
Thanks sweet…..If anyone can take ANYTHING at all from my journey……GREAT!!!!
I totally understand we all post as we feel comfoy, and I encourage that……This is how we should LIVE our lives….on our own comfort levels!!!
I think……we know ourselves best…..and we all should do whatever we feel is ‘safe’ for us….when/where and how. Never step out from the personal safety……never compromise yourself for anyone….EVER!!!
Sometimes people will learn and get what they need from other experiences solely.
Again….we all do what we need for US….this is the beauty of online…..
Can you believe what we learn in life??????
DANG!!!
Get some rest, have pleasant dreams and love yourself always!!!!
XXOO
EB