When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
Kathy,
Wow!!!!
Printing your post. Saddened by the fact that I don’t fully comprehend some of your points. I want to. I will to. I will, eventually.
Your post is like a light shining on the clutter in my head. There’s a lot that needs to be decluttered, as I stand overwhelmed by it all – wondering where to begin.
Oxy, thanks for the suggested resources. I have an appointment tomorrow AM for some assistance.
When swirling in a state of panic, the feed-back from this forum is my road to sanity. Thank you for affirming that no matter the circumstances… NC, NC, NC.
With a closer look at the recent job opportunity lost, situation, the Regional Manager, and Vice President were both fantastic, the Branch Manager that I’d be working for, that has been on maternity leave, has many of the attributes that make my stomache nervous. She’s at least 15 years my Jr., but talked to me like I was a teenager. I’ve called many times, e-mailed, and checked in without hearing back from her. Then, she blamed me for the lack of contact, as the reason she hired someone else- after the regional manager told me the position was for me. Huh? A case for confusion, to say the least. Perhaps, I just missed another train wreck.
Very disappointed… but, moving on.
Dear Isabell,
I read today that unemployment benefits are being extended for most people, so you may stil have your benefits, but with your kids, you may ALSO be entitled to food stamps or other social services, free lunches/breakfasts for your kids at school, utility assistance and so on. LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED.
Also sometimes you can volunteer your services to a food pantry and get help that way too….again, look under every rock for an opportunity!
Yea, you may have miszsed a train wreck so just keep in mind it may be fortunate for you! (((hugs))))
Hi everyone!! I’ve been away all day, but have read a little on this post about NC. I just got home from spending the evening with two very close girlfriends that are in HORRIBLE relationships. I won’t bore you with all the details, but I truly believe that they too are involved with S/P. I shared as much as I could with them. Told them how much this site has helped me and more importantly how important NC is for their own good. They both agreed with me. They keep saying, “oh my god, you’re so right. That’s what I’m going through. That’s what I’m feeling. That’s what I need to do.” It just makes me sad to see the pain they are in. It’s me just a few short months ago. But I can’t tell you how good it felt to share my knowledge and share what has empowered me to make the choices I have made. I just hope that they can take something away from what I said. I truly feel that the only way that the S/P personality type is going to be exposed or understood is by shraing experiences and knowledge. So I hope that I have at least planted a seed for them, to encourage them to do their own research or hope that they take the initiative to make positive moves in their lives. Ohhhhh…it just makes me sad that there are soooooo many people out there with this disorder and it goes unnoticed or ignored. I hope that I have helped them, even if it is in such a small way.
Dear Amber,
As I read your post, I can feel the weight of saddness. Can you imagine what it would have been like for you, if a dear friend, sitting across the table from you, would have expressed a ‘knowing’ of what you were experiencing with the clarity you shared with your friends tonight? Not only that, but also gave you a resource to connnect with for the sake of clarity?
Amber you were a beakon of light in their darkend world. Your suffering has not been in vain. You were once a piece of coal. Now, through the pressure of opression, you are now a diamond, gleeming, sparkling the light of truth to others…
Bless you.
Amber….that is all you can do….I remember people telling me….he won’t change…..I was (like al ot of us) SOOOOO certain they just didn’t know him like I did….he was a really good person deeeeeeeepppppp down….
Well….I never reached those depths of the sewer!
Isabell:
Look at you girl…..”.Beakon, diamond, light of truth.”…..
MAGNIFICANT!!!!!
I can hear your healing…….
You are a beautiful woman!! TREASURE YOURSELF!!!!
Real quick…….My bear came for his nightly visit…..and instead of checking around the driveway for whatever it is hel’s looking for….(probably me and my halloween candy)……he went right for a tree I have…..it’s not flourishing and it gets these little cherry sized berries on it, scantilly……..
The damn bear ripped my tree down for the few berries that were on it……
I’m out there watching him and I hear crack crack, crack….the whole top of my poor little ol tree is hacked!
Thanks for the encoraging words ladies. Just trying to pass the knowledge. It’s my determination to stand up for women who I know are in the same boat as I was. I want them to educate themselves, so they too, can make wiser decisions for their lives. I hope they take my advice and check this site out. I told them it’s what keeps me strong!
And EB…. that damn bear!!! You better be careful out there!! He sounds like he’s getting rowdy!! We don’t need you getting hacked!! Remember you have a movie in the works!! 😉
I really do love my bears…..and this one has been such entertainment this year.
He stands up to reach things and then when he get’s whatever he wants, he sits down on his butt like a 2 year old enjoying his ‘feast’…..I go out and talk to him….I’m weird this way…..they are awesome creatures….and this one is my bud!
I’d only wished he hadn’t of tweaked my tree!!!!! BOOGER!
Ya know…..this is really odd…..when I bought this house, We were here for 4 years and NO bears….nothing on the wildlife front……weird…..
I swear….the minute I booted the S…..the wildlife energy opened up and they are more active than ever…..
I LOVE the wildlife, this is why I live here!
Once I got rid of the dirtbag, the real animals appeared! The ones with hearts and souls that I enjoy so very much!
Skylar, Regarding that poor abused lost little girl that you were, I was the same at a very young age, around 3 or 4 I think. I posted once before how my Mum used to give me penny and send me out on my own for the whole day,-I know it was before I started school. As I started school at 4 and a half,the abuse must have been between the age of 3 and 4. I remember trudging along this disused railway line which seemed to go for miles, then having to climb steep white steps, on to the main village shopping centre, waiting for the no. 8 bus, handing over my penny, geting off at the right stop, and then the long exhausting climb up the hill and home.
I told no-one, not even my father, and as he was teaching all day, and as he got home after I did, he never knew. I tried to confront Mum about it in 1978, of course she totally denied it!
In 1978, I went to see a Hypnotherapist, who regressed me back to that terrified little girl. I wanted to know if Id been abused sexually,but,{ apart from me seeing a couple of “flashers,} thankfully, I was not. However, I believe that this experience, which went on for months, thankfully ending when I started school, contributed to me being such a shy, scared llittle girl. I went to a couple of workshops, which taught me to “pick up this little girl, an place her in your heart”.{I think we had to shrink her down first!} I know it sounds New Agey, and Hippy dippy, but I really believe this workshop helped me, to comfort and love that little girl who was me, then, and self comfort her.That little girl inside of you, and of me, is still crying out for comfort, love, validation and help. No-one else id going to give it to her but us, ourselves.Hope this helps!! Much Love, and {HUGS}} gem.XX
I also think that my Narc mother, {tho I adored her,} set me up for life to be ‘fresh meat’ for any p boyfriends, and looking back, all my boyfriends were either ns Ps, or Alcoholics, or all three.
Geminigirl,
I remember that post about you walking into town at age 4.
I can’t imagine how traumatic that must have been for you or the survival mechanisms you took on to get through it.
I’m glad that your inner-little girl is safe now. Mine is feeling better today too. It’s amazing the power that words have to comfort and inspire us.