When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
Stargazer
Sky, I’m backed up on trades, and I’m too tired to do any more until I get some bodywork myself. I’ve been eating brownies, which is aggravating my sinus infection that never went away from August. The antibiotics didn’t work but probably also took their toll on my body. Physically, I’m just feeling “not right.” A good back massage and a chiropractic adjustment would do me a world of good right now. But I’m also triggered into resentment about not being able to get my needs met. Thanks for your offer to talk about the other stuff. I would take you up on it if I wasn’t so tired and fading right now. Maybe tomorrow night. Lots of stuff on my mind. I’ve been flying high on getting my mortgage stuff worked out. Seems like I can never get too happy; I always crash afterward. I’m just trying to watch my mind and my thoughts to see how I create all of this internal drama.
I am going to squeeze some grapefruit juice, cuddle with my snakes, and go to bed.
super chic
sstiles, I am going through a lot of the issues you have. Please do not feel invisible!! I would love to have the small town experience, I live in a big city, I never see anybody I know. I am looking for a new job, and I feel like a dinosaur. My daughter lives 3000 miles away. I started taking Lexapro again, didn’t want to, but I feel no desire to do anything. How is that class “Battlefield of the Mind” going? I really like Joyce Meyer, she is smart and funny! I wish we could all live in a big house together… and talk and laugh, and argue about the remote control.
Stargazer
SC.
If we all lived in a big house, you guys would get to deal with my 5 and 6 foot snakes and the needy Siamese cat that doesn’t shut up till he’s sleeping in someone’s shirt. XD
skylar
Star, I’m very curious how do your cat and snakes get along?
witsend
sstiles54,
I don’t know your full story and how long you have been on your healing journey from your X s. But if you have been at this for awile and “peeling” back the layers of your relationship with him and trying to figure out your role in all of this painful history…..
Invariably it almost always leads to coming face to face with your childhood pain.
No matter how painful your experiences have been so far, generally for most of us facing those childhood demons can be the most painful of all. These are the “burdens” that we have carried with us into adulthood and have been with us the longest.
As painful a process this might be it is one that is worth the effort to get through as it is really what can redefine the rest of our lives.
Sometimes what you can do to help you say what you would like to your father (without actually saying it face to face) is to write him a letter. Even if you never intend to send it. Just write it to get out your feelings. I had a therapist who suggested this to me many years ago. I found it to be helpful because I no longer had to bury those feelings once I got them out on paper.
Dealing with all of this is very painful. You must be kind to yourself if you are going to go through this. Even if working 2 jobs takes up much of your time you need to take some “down time” for yourself and do something you enjoy. Even if you have to make yourself do this in the begining.
It is the begining of learning to love ourselves and take care of US.
super chic
Star, as long as it’s not the snakes trying to snuggle in my shirt, I’m ok!!!!
skylar
SC, that’s how I feel too. As much healing as we’ve accomplished on a blog, can you imagine what we could do together in person? We all have the problem of needing to help others and putting others before ourselves. It would be heaven on earth. Each of us would be bending over backwards to to more and more for each other. Eventually our self-esteems would be saturated with love and compassion. I have a 2 acre property on an island,near a beach and statepark. Sometimes I fantasize about how nice it would be to have a retreat for LFers there.
ann1961
I feel ALL of those things that Donna said. Mostly I need to feel USEFUL. I cannot just ‘be”, I have to be doing something for someone or making lots of money. My ex told me I am ‘unlovable’, so I have believed that too. He said it so many times and so vehemently that I believe it, still. Also my brothers said that to me. When that many ppl tell you something, it is hard to not believe it.
skylar
ann, my exP told me that no one would ever want me. HA.
getting people to want me is no problem – everyone wants sex. he should have said, “no one will ever love you”. I might have believed that. But he screwed up and lost his opportunity to slime me. LOL.
super chic
skylar, that sounds wonderful and your property sounds sooooo beautiful!!
The S once said to me (when I was wearing jeans and was standing in front of him) “You used to have a nice ass, what happened?” I swear this is true, it’s so stupid… so transparent, I’m laughing!! What a jerk!