Finding meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath

When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”

To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.

When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:

My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.

I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.

Promising to fill the void

When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)

Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.

We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.

We believe people only want us when we do something for them.

We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.

We believe we aren’t good enough.

We believe we are unlovable.

We believe there’s something wrong with us.

We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.

We believe other people come before ourselves.

We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.

These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.

Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.

Critical juncture

So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?

This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?

If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.

As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.

Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.

Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.

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The hope is at LF that no one wants to hurt another poster….
But, I do know….I tend to express myself in this way in regards to the S.
That ‘word’ is the most powerful word I connect with and the situation with the S is the most powerful situation I have experienced… for me, it fit.
I also understand that in a room full of peeps I know better that to ‘blurt’ it out loudly and censor myself… I must view LF as that room.
In ‘real’ life, my friends know me and know how I express myself…..and (either) understand or put up with it….
I also know it can offend some, and my intention is not to offend, so….out of respect for another persons request, I can work on it…..
I believe there are lessons in everything…..and certainly working on my language can’t lead me down a ‘bad’ path…..and gem very well may have raised my awareness and done me a favor….
For that I am appreciative.


I concur…


Balllng my eyes out now..I know what it is like to be respectful of language…I ‘ve had my business since 1995


I am really sorry that I’ve offended

Thanks, conomo and EB for being so understanding. I DIDNT at all want to sound like a prude, and Im NOT one.But you know, words have POWER for good or for ill. If we descend to the spaths level of language, we are letting them win!Im sorry if I upset and offended any of you. I guess asa former English and Art teacher,I love language.The word “F–k” used in anger, contempt, rage , feels lik e metaphoric blow from a clenched fist! {To me.}Hey, I meant no harm, but awareness of what we say is good,we need PEACE and we need to HEAL as well as to vent our frustration, anger and hurt.Much Love and{{HUGGLES to all!} MamaGem.XX

Conomo darling, dry your eyes, we love you!


“I DIDNT at all want to sound like a prude, and Im NOT one.”

I WOULD NEVER think of you as a prude!!!!
Besides… already admitted to LOVING the word “fuc tard”


I’m not offended….and I hope I haven’t offended ANYONE….if so….just speak up…like you did….I’m open to constructive communications….and hearing others feelings or opinions….even if they include ME!

I’m a sailor…..but I still love you though!!!


You HAVE THE PERFECT IDEA OF HOW iMIGHT FEEL NOW!!! Sorry gem…I wanna punch him over and over…not really someone besides me maybe…. this is good right??? I can’t stop crying ///ya…we can say red wine is the ( I don’t know how to describe it) Jussst stopped crying. This coller coaster sucks!!! OOps is that allowed???

Yay, I WAS busted alright! yes, I did say that! I guess it was just that there seem to be so MANY F words lately, LF is peppered with em! And if you use too much pepper, you sneeze! Nota very logical argument, but hope you all get my drift! I love you all too! Mama Gem.


BTW….my parents HATE my ‘ship speak’….potty mouth….
SO I MADE SURE I DROPPED A FEW “F” BOMBS when I spoke to them…..Just to piss em off! (BAD EB!)

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