When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
We believe we can attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people want us a we are.
We believe we can succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we are good enough.
We believe we are lovable.
We believe there’s nothing wrong with us.
We believe we can cope with life by ourselves.
We believe we come before other people.
We believe working on ourselves make all our troubles disappear.
So, guys and gals, I turned this around from the blog. It’s a good thing in the positive. But then I wonder is the opposite of P lover (us) (for lack of a better term) a P ? Or are there other creeds out there for people like us. I need ammunition to survivie the upcoming mediation session on November 11th. Ammunition that I can repeat to calm myself. I get queasy just thinking about seeing him for the first tme in two years. My good friend of 20 years (who the jury is out on whether he has p traits as I am being very careful) told me that I should go in there wanting what is mine. No more, no less. That seemed like such a good solid statement and I plan on using it. Any other thoughts, love, prayers are welcome. Best, Lillian
Lillian,
you are confusing the self-affirming statements with similar ones that the P’s would use. I will write the P-affirmations here so you can see the difference:
We believe we can attract a romantic partner to fullfil our needs.
We believe people want us as we present ourselves to be thru trickery and conniving.
We believe we can succeed without much effort because of our superiority.
We believe we are better than anyone.
We believe we are not lovable but demand unconditional adoration.
We believe there’s nothing wrong with us – we are perfect.
We believe we can cope with life by ourselves but shouldn’t have to, someone should provide for all of our needs.
We believe we come before other people and besides we hate other people so they should suffer. We will make them suffer by feeling envious of us.
We believe working on a con make all our troubles disappear.
No, this isn’t meant to be funny, that is exactly how they think.
Warning! Religious in Nature
I don’t necessarily believe everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that God works for the good.
I believe God has been able, and is able to use my run-in with a sociopath for good.
It has indeed caused me to look deep within myself and search for the “why”.
I would like to share with those of you that are interested in healing that I joined a grief-work course under the name of Christ Life Solutions.
The course is called the The Ultimate Journey.
The goal is for you to come to terms with the lies you were specifically or implicitly told during your formative years and help you to see the truth.
It is a wonderful and truly life-changing (improving) experience.
I do believe that although there has been a similar program running for years, that it may be difficult to find this course in your area.
The site is
http://www.christlifesolution.com/pages/page.asp?page_id=22146
if you’re intersted.
OxDrover, thank you for the update on Lily. I hope that whatever is best for her is what happens. Sigh. Sweet lady.
Donna: Thank you for the very helpful post.
Lillian: I like your list a lot.
This is the belief I grew up with: Everything bad that happens is my fault; it’s my responsibility to fix it; but nothing I ever do will ever be enough.
I think I wanted other people to “prove” to me that I was lovable and worthy, since I didn’t believe that I was. I would always think I could love myself if only I were more successful or more enlightened or a better person. It was other people’s “job” to love me as I was. And instead, I attracted predators who perceived this false need as a weakness. I do think the most important thing I can do to protect myself at this point is to find a way to love myself exactly the way I am.
Sstiles: My heart sure goes out to you. My position in my family was very similar. Sending healing wishes to you.
My life is better than it ever was after the betrayal by a sociopath backed by his church. It led me to everything I most value today.
He promised family values yet creativity, and spiritual depth. He was so beautiful. And so fake.
He was devastated. He even cried over the phone, as I did, when I said I couldn’t go back. He was honestly blind to all this. A sociopath taken over by even bigger sociopaths — his church.
But I saw clearly, and knew what I had to do. For this I am so grateful. It’s like that song from “The Sound of Music”: “Somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something right.” I remember, when I’m faced with a little kid: my grandmother, herself an orphan in the Old Country, taking the time to say The Lord’s Prayer with me at bedtime, as her mother and grandmother did with her before her world turned cold; the other one making me feel like the most special little person in the world by taking me shopping downtown when she really didn’t have much money; my father explaining the world and taking me out to used car lots with him as he would a son, and telling me I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. They didn’t have much, but what they had, they gave. It starts there.
My grandmother’s prayer came to me through her mother and grandmother, who gave everything they could from that little village in Bulgaria. Special delivery to little Bethy! Every time you give, you start ripples in a pool.
And then I see in Chrissy the awful cost of that opportunity missed. A little kid betrayed, now becoming a confused adult.
Some of us are just blessed. Jesus said, “To those who have, more will be given.” God bless the child that’s got his own.
The hidden treasure in this journey is gratitude. So much good stuff bestowed on me, I have to weep.
At this part in my healing I have been asking myself this same question over and over and over again… Why did this happen to me? He took away everything from me. My dignity, my love, sex, self-esteem, my will to think freely…He somehow isolated me from everything that was positive in my life and when all of those positive things were gone, I felt like HE was the only thing I had left. And that was falling apart to. To think of losing him after I had already lost everything else would have made my world come to a crashing end. I would be alone. Nothing.
I was wrong. He wasn’t the only thing I had left. I had ME, but for some reason, for those 4 years, I chose to ignore me. I’m now am realizing that yes, this could happen to anyone, but I believe this happend to me to test my will, strength and character. I believe this happened to me to show me just how wonderful and beautiful of a person I really am, and that I derserve nothing less. It taught me patience, strength, and most importantly…to always listen to you gut or that little voice inside your head that tells you something is wrong. That’s the difference between the S and us. We have that little voice.
Thank god that little voice didn’t give up on me because I sure did. But after so much betrayal and violation, I reached my breaking point and the thought of being alone or just with ME seemed like an easier route than the road I was already heading down. Coming to that realization that I would have NOTHING was the scariest thing I have ever had to face. But I knew I couldn’t let it own me. I knew there was an amazing person hiding under this fragile shell. She was there years ago. It was just a matter of finding her again.
Right now I’m getting to know myself all over again, and you know what?? I like me. I didn’t like the me that I had become with him. He was toxic to my life…slowly poisoning me to death. The whole time I was waiting for him to ‘wake up” but the ironic thing is that I really needed to listen to my own advice. I was the one that needed to do the “waking up.” I am so thankful that I got out before his pioson could do any more damage.
As I always told him, “life is about the choices you make, you have the free will to make those choices, and every choice you make has a consequence either, good or bad, and those decisions not only effect you, but those around you as well.” Sometimes I couldn’t believe I had to tell a 40 year old man these things. I always thought where is his conscious? I know now he never had one.
I chose to be with him. I chose to not care about me for 4 years. I chose to not listen to my gut, I chose to ignore the red flags, I chose to love him even though I knew he was hurting me. The consequences? I sacraficed everything and was left with nothing.
Today I choose me. I choose happiness. I choose to live and feel and think freely. The consequences?? I got my life back. And hopefully some day I will be able to LOVE again. “The most important thing you will ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return.” I guess that’s the biggest lesson I have learned, and look forward to the day that that statement comes true.
Dear Amber,
TOWANDA!!!! Good for you! I am so glad that you are here and posting your success and how you are working your way back out of the abys! thank you for sharing this positive outlook! GOOD JOB!!!
Dear sister-sister, I am glad that you had some positive things in your life. It is a shame that the wolves do come disguised as “sheep” in the churches and places of worship, but the Bible warns us about them….and it was so right on!
Glad you escaped and keep on your healing journey! I am proud of and proud FOR you! God Bless.
Dear Banana,
Grief work is what it is all about, grieving the losses we have had and moving onward to new heights in many new ways! I am glad that you found this and shared the link with us! thank you!!!!
Dear Lillian,
Whatever you have to “chant” to yourself to keep yourself CALM in the meeting is what you need to focus on. It is SO IMPORTANT that you NOT let him push your buttons, or at least don’t let it show.
What is yours! YES!!! You may have to “compromise” but whatever happens, CALM, COOL, AND COLLECTED in appearance. that will frustrate him if he cannot push your buttons.
These past few weeks I have been trying to come to terms with some difficult issues. I find as I have in the past, that whenever I am faced with something painful, and trying to sort through it, childhood issues present themselves once again.
In trying to come to an acceptance that my sons father was an S/P/N has opened a huge can of worms for me. Bits and pieces of my life (with him) seem to flash before me when I least expect them. The things that I buried deep inside. Things I couldn’t before understand. My “excuses” for his behavior and his issues had always been his addictions.
I had been raised in a strict irish/catholic enviroment and my father was an alcoholic. I was taught early on to make “allowances” for the alcoholic. Although my mother was a good mother she was unable to protect me from my father anymore than she could protect herself. She walked on eggshells around him and I learned to do this as well. Back then, as a “good catholic” family we didn’t speak outloud of the HUGE “pink elephant” in the room, we just learned to live with it. And we never could acknowledge outloud that it existed.
My parents have both passed away. Many years before my mothers death, during a time in my life when I was trying to face my childhood “demons” I questioned my mother why she stayed with my father? I was going through a divorce with my oldest sons father. And I just couldn’t understand why she stayed. And left us all so vulnerable to his explosive temper and alcoholic behavior.
She gave me a reason that I will never forget. She explained to me that her own father had died when she was only 3 years old. because of this being her expierence to grow up WITHOUT a father she explained to me that she thought having ANY father was better than no father at all. Her intentions were good.
It was a pretty powerful explanation for something that I would have never figured out on my own. To this day I still seem to “absorb” what she told me. Because many years later I found myself raising my youngest son (whose father died by suicide) without a father.
And it all seems connected somehow through the generations of pain.
As children we all “absorb” our upbringing differently. I was an adult, facing my own divorce from my oldest sons father before I even recognized that I had any anger issues with my mother. My issues up until then had always been with my father. However even when I recognized these existed with my mother I also realized that my mother was a loving person who did try to do the best she could under the circumstances. When she answered my question of why she stayed I was able to resolve alot.
I am now facing my own sons illness/disorder. And I can’t help but wonder how he “absorbed” this INTENSE anger he has for me? Does he blame me for his fathers death? Is it an ambandonment issue resulting from this? Or is it that this disorder doesn’t allow him to feel the love? I have often felt that. He just doesn’t have the ability to feel LOVE given to him.
My son was sick and running a high fever on Saturday. I nursed him back to health as any mother would do. And yet even him being sick and what I consider being somewhat in a vulnerable “state” by flu symptoms and high fever…..He still seemed to be unable to take in my concern for his well being.
And once the fever broke it was all about manipulations and back to “business”. Picking up right where he left off.
Lostnsad
You said,
“I’m still at the end of the day the most mad at MYSELF!! Because I didn’t do what needed to be done and I choose to believe him when I should have known better”. If not at the beginning surely after 6 months” The signs were clear” I just choose to shut my eyes and live in my dreamworld””
I too have time when I feel this way. In hindsight there were SOOOO many reasons not to believe them.
In my case I shut my eyes and said “I will.”
I think it’s their confidence, their glibness when caught that makes us believe, NOT that their stories are all that believeable….SO many times I thought to myself “he’s so full of chit.” But just thought it was a confidence thing…you know that was the pity ploy…he was put down all the time so he had to lie out of habit….BS
I derive my confidence today in WHO I am. One of the ideas you learn in Christ Life Solution is that YOU ARE NOT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, OR WHAT YOU DID.
OX, thank you! I find inspiration in other people’s stories and that’s why this site has made such a huge difference for me. Being able to share my story helps me to heal, and I hope it helps others as well. And can you tell me what TOWANDA means?!?!? LOL! I’m new and I’ve seen it around here a few times and I wanna be in with the lingo 😉 Thanks.