When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/caroline-presno/how-did-anne-hathaway-get_b_110562.html
I hadn’t heard about this. apparently it happened last year.
sstiles54–
I haven’t posted in a long time, but your situation called out to me. I’m learning to consider myself “the most important person in the room.” Though it may sound silly, after a childhood of service and after raising children, we often take care of everyone else and put ourselves last. This must change. Even just thinking of myself as the most important person in the room has a positive impact. It won’t make me selfish; no way.
Another point–anyone who is so picky about how they want their house cleaned that it takes 6-8 hours to do, is a “user” and “abuser.” Your landlady sounds awful. Are you still over giving , giving , giving? Can you move to a cheaper place? Is cleaning this lady’s house really worth the decrease in rent? Is that the best use of your time? We all must take time to relax and live. Otherwise, our bodies will rebel in the form of sickness, to get the message across to us.
You are not alone. There are others who’ve developed coping skills to survive childhood. As the Betrayal Bond states, these defenses are highly adaptive in childhood, because they allow us to survive an abusive situation. However, as an adult, the defenses are maladaptive, because they prevent us from accurately perceiving the presence or absence of abuse. (like someone demanding that their house be cleaned in a manner that takes 6-8 hours)
You said “I have always hated asking anyone to help me with anything. That would be a sign of weakness.” That’s exactly how I feel but I am learning to un-do this belief. We are designed to be balanced in our giving and receiving. Your childhood caused you (and me) to internalize the belief that getting help is a sign of weakness, but now it’s time to un-learn that false belief and to accept that we are designed to give and receive. Overgiving strips us of our energy and health reserves and robs other people of the opportunity to be a giver. In fact, it creates “undergivers” around us, who use us. I’m working on this right now.
Anyway, keep posting. Print out all the wonderful responses to you on this thread and read them often. (I do that sometimes.)
Writing our story and our thoughts in a spiral notebook is good for us. For some reason, we need to express ourselves and get our story out there–just like you did on this post. Another idea that helps me is to answer the question, in writing, of “if time and money were no problem at all, what would your life look like?” This helps me get closer to MY desires, which can be hard because I’m so used to fulfilling everyone’s else’s wishes.
Sending you positive thoughts and blessings for you to create a better life for yourself.
We are so close to the finish line. Or, maybe this is magical thinking. Though I have an arsenal of evidence to, at the very least, get him spanked, financially, the court system does not recognize the damaging affect of this personality disorder.
For the past four years he’s stayed, for the most part, out of our children’s lives; except for the occasional crazy-making. When there wasn’t a court order, he would antagonize them, then slither out of the picture, when they refused time with him, until he apologized. This is how he apologizes: “I’m sorry you are mad at me.”
Now, that there is a minimal visitation order, he’s creeping into the corners and crevasses of their lives. He’s making private meeting with their teachers, he’s watching their progress on-line, and publically displaying their failures. He’s seducing mine and the kid’s entirely new group of friends and supporters to doubt me. I’ve seen these effects before. Only, before, it took me years, and being away from him, to figure it out. And example: He’s insisting on paying for expensive sparring gear (directly, rather then just give the check to our son) so he can win favor with our son’s Tae Kwon Do Masters (though he pays NO support, and the kids complain of feeling embarrassed by our poverty.) Our son has not wanted him to go to his practices. He does not want him just showing up. But, he needs this gear, and I can’t afford it. The Masters have been made well aware of our situation, and for over a year, have been supportive. When my ex walks in, for the first time, and waves his fist full of green, they will be eating out of his hand. They are, after all, in the business for making an income. I will become the outcast. It will be awkward for our son. I predict, my ex will sign up his step son, to join with my son. I prepaid for this program. It took me three years. I won’t have the clout my ex has, as he will bring in new money. I no longer have to pay. If my ex signs up his step-son, and invades our son’s space, our son won’t want to go anymore. I will lose all that my son and I have invested. I don’t even know what to do about it.
I don’t know what to do about the way he seduces people to believe him. Anything I say makes me appear crazy, and he appears the victim. So, I hide. Much like when I was a child, and I began to act out, against the abuse, I was the “problem” child. I was the liar. I was making it up. I was separated from my sisters, because I was a problem. I learned to shut up, and tolerate, if I ever wanted to see my sister’s again. This is the same threat my children have been given by the court system. Two don’t HAVE to go with him. But, the youngest does. She will not go, without her siblings. If she doesn’t go, he gets custody. So, they are all forced to shut up, and tolerate.
I feel myself slipping back. By slipping back I mean that I hide. When I feel the disapproving stare, I hide. I don’t make as many public appearances. I don’t get out of the car to greet other parents dropping off or picking up my kids. I don’t engage as much with other’s at church. I become uneasy. I feel like I’m living in a bubble, embarrassed and extremely self conscious. Oddly, and this makes NO sense, I feel guilty.
And, that is how I felt as a little girl. I was always embarrassed, and felt ashamed. I went through extensive therapy. I knew I was broken. I knew I had nothing good to pass on from my early years, and I knew being a mom was the most important thing to me. So, every couple of years, I put myself through a head exam. There are sociopathic therapists, too. That’s a long story, for another time.
In my mid 20’s, when I felt myself “slipping” and severely depressed (in a relationship with a man who was bi-polar Narcissist, and being used and walked on by my a younger sister, who is also bi-polar, and diagnosed as pathological – whatever that means), I knew I needed help. I made several calls to various therapists. Only one actually came on the phone to talk to me. He asked me, “If you were hanging from a rope, are you at the top, the middle or the bottom, barely hanging on?” I told him, “The end is frayed. I only have a grip with one hand to a strained. ” He invited me to come in, that day.
At my first appointment I said, “Well, just about everything that could go wrong in a child’s life, has happened to me, EXCEPT…I’ve never been molested.” After a couple of visits, he complimented me on my insights, intelligence, and perspective. He asked me to review a book he had written, and give him my opinion. Easy enough. When I got to the chapter on molestation, I couldn’t read it. I was filled with rage, anger, fear. I had horrible nightmares. I hated him form making me read his book. And, this is when the real work of therapy began.
I have an exceptional capacity for tolerating abusive behavior. It is a survival skill. It is also like putting a plastic bag over your head, and tying a rope around your neck. Eventually, a soul death takes place. The message: I’m not worthy of breathing. I’ve nearly died twice due to Asthma. Go figure. Even today, with my ex moving in my territory, and influencing my support system, I’m suffering severe tightness in my lungs, having to use my inhaler up to the maximum per day. Normally, I use it about five times a year, if I get bronchitis. The severe attacks are definately stress related.
I wrote letters to my mother, and father. I wrote letters to the foster families that were horrifically abusive. I wrote letters to the police department reporting the sexual abuse. I wrote, and wrote, and wrote. (I didn’t actually send anything; I just gave them to the therapist.) The whole experience was the most painful thing I had ever done, and the most liberating, as well. We cleaned house. We cleared my head of stinking thinking, and I was healed. Love filled my heart, hope filled my future, and a promise of Happily Ever After was on the horizon.
I lovingly kicked my sister out, without the usual drama that would have taken place, before the therapy. I broke up with my boyfriend, willing to face the world on my own.
There is a Bible Scripture that reads: Luke 11:24-26 (NIV) “When an evil spirit come out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. Then is goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first.”
I recently did an assessment of my significant relationships. They have all, with the exception of one, been sociopathic. I seem to do all the hard work of cleaning house, only to welcome another that is even more vile, then the previous one. From outward appearances, they were all very different. So different, in fact, that was my guild that I wasn’t making the same mistake.
The truth is…even though I had done all that childhood work, emptied out the baggage, faced my demons, released myself from stinking thinking, just like with any recovery, I needed accountability. I needed a support group that would remind me of red-flags, remind me of healthy boundaries, remind me of self love, and how to stay “dull.” This last one, I learned here. In the past, I have been anything but dull. My older sister once said, “Isabell, your voice lives large in the house of praise.” Those needing of worship, praise, adoration, didn’t have to look far, when I was around. I believed I was just being positive. Even as I type this, I realize edifying others was my way of manipulating them. If I noticed how “Wow” they were, what was special about them, then maybe they would notice that I am special, too. Ughhh. Though I looked, searched, inquired for such, there are no face to face support groups recovering from being in a relationship with the sociopathic.
So, maybe I cleaned out my house of the demons from my childhood, but I turned around and swung the door wide open to welcome others, even more destructive, back in. And, now my poor children have to suffer 9 more years (and, even the rest of their lives) with his heartlessness, his conniving, the wedge he’s already begun between them to split them apart. He divides and concurs, his prey. He triangulates them. He’ll shower two with gifts, positive attention, and ignores, insults, or rattles the gage of the other. When she explodes, acts out, rejects his behavior, the other two will be confused about why she’s so spiteful, when he’s behaving so kindly to them. Anyone that shows him resistance, or sees through his game, will be “cut off” from the rest.
I’m sorry for rambling”this has been therapeutic, in itself. Even when we clean house of the past, our wounds are still fresh. There will always be scar tissue. The old tags of being unworthy are reconfirmed when to think I spent my entire life, reading, researching, seeking counsel, advice, getting evaluated with one goal in mind”for my children to never suffer the way I did. Yet, all that effort was in vain. They may not have had to same extent of abuse I suffered, but they are experiencing the abandonment, the helplessness, the forced tolerance, the humiliation, rejection by their own extended family, and the threats of being separated from one another if they don’t comply. The crazy making mixed messages of rejection, bribery, the appearance of love and security, humiliation, character assassination, poverty, and abandonment all over again, even abandonment by me, as so much of my energy and time is taken up trying to survive him legally, and financially, and there is nothing I can do to change this. I guess feeling guilty makes more sense then I initially thought.
I meet with my lawyer, tomorrow. We have another two hour session, to go over the evidence in preparing for trial. I’ve been so hyper focused on this stuff for the past six weeks? Maybe longer. This time. It seems each year, there is need to hyper focus on the details, and go over everything, again and again. The difference is, this time…I was clearer. I know more about the legal system. I took control back, rather then just handing it over to my attorney. I fit the pieces of the puzzle together, so my attorney will only have to tell the story, with hard evidence, and not have to figure it out from scratch. I just wish the emotional and psychological undermining of the kids, and the way my ex uses the legal system to have power for his benefit vs connection with the kids were as easy to present in court.
Amber, ,the TOWANDA is the “battle cry” of an older woman in the movie Fried Green tomatoes. Where a bunch of kids steal a parking space she is trying to get iinto and then laugh at her and she rams their car with hers and tells them that she has better insurance than they do! I can’t remember the whole lines that went with it, but I can see it in my mind! Basically it means GOOD FOR YOU! Taking back control of your life.
I can’t remember when this tradition started here on LF or who first did it. It is one of our regular “war cries” now though. That and my cyber “cast iron skillet” that if you start to feel too sorry for yourself or get down on yourself I will “boink”you on the head with it (or someone else will “borrow” it and use it) to get your attention focused back on loving yourself! It is a LOVE tap though! that started back a year or more ago when henry was bashing himself and I wanted to get his attention. LOL So those are just two of our litte “traditions” here, but feel free to ask any question, that is the wonderful thing about LF is that the people here (except for the occasional TROLL from a psychopath) are wonderful and kind, compassionate and caring, and if a P comes along and starts or tries to start any trouble, just hit the “report abusivee comment” button and Donna will take care of it as soon as she sees it. (sometimes if they come in late at night it may be morning but she takes care of them QUICKLY!@.......)
Glad you are here! (((hugs)))
TOWANDA!!! LOL!!! How could I forget!! When I was younger that was one of my favorite movies of all time!! LOVE IT!!! Thanks!!
And I’m super glad to be here too! All of the unconditional support and inspiring stories are what are keeping me stong to not allow him back EVER!
And TOWANDA to that!!
Thaks for the warm welcome! HUGS TO ALL!!
Dear Amber,
If you let him back watch out for the “skillet!” LOL This is a great place, isn’t it?
Isabelle,
Most of my revelations have come from learning to recognize the roots of naricissism and sociopathy. I felt like it wouldn’t do me any good to bandage my wounds and heal if I had to go back out into the battlefield unarmed again. Knowledge is my armor and weapon. “Skylar” means protection through knowledge. I don’t want to invite 7 demons back to my house.
It’s very liberating to have this protection and I’ve invested huge amounts of time and effort toward acquiring and polishing it. I know that I’m going to need it, so it’s worth the effort. I’m also very happy to be able to pass it on to people here at Lf and to people I know in person. I want the demons to have no place to rest.
It’s great that you are teaching your children how to recognize the P’s. Also remember to teach them “gray rock”. This could be a very valuable lesson and practice for your son to learn how to deal with the P’s stepson in an emotionless and mature way. Advise him to watch for patterns of behavior so that he can add to his own armor against P’s. For some reason, when I allow myself to perceive the P’s, not as human, but as an “it” with predictable patterns of behavior, I don’t feel emotional about it. It just is.
BTW, I had an interesting dream 2 nights ago:
I think that, due to overcrowding, all the buildings had been redesigned so that people could use the ceilings as floors and not even notice that they were sitting upside down. So now each building had twice as much usable space. The reason this was possible had something to do with huge electronic magnets keeping everyone stuck to the ceiling. In addition it seemed to warp space so you couldn’t really tell that you were existing upside down. It was a world like Escher’s drawings.
Unfortunately, the population overcrowding also caused resources, like electricity, to be scarce so there were frequent power outages and everybody would come falling down from the ceiling every once in a while. For some reason, we all thought this was a small price to pay for the luxury of using twice as much space, so we continued to hang upside down and when the power failed, we would grab something that was nailed down and just hang on until the power came back on. Then we would continue as if nothing had happened. My dream ended while I was hanging from a railing waiting for the power to come back on. LOL.
Anyone care to try to interpret that dream?.
skylar, interesting article, I had heard about this, but I am amazed and happy that they identified con men as sociopathic in the article!!!
Hi Skylar: When I’ve interpreted dreams I am usually asked what the major symbols like electricity, magnets, ceilings, mean to me. That will shed light on what is going on. Does electricity mean power to you? Are magnets a good force or a bad one for you? The ceiling is for dancing or for sitting for you? Then what happens when there is no power for you? Do you hang on or let go. The power comes back shortly. There is the luxury of having twice as much for the same space. This is a big dream. A good one I would think. Keep hanging on. No matter the forces good or bad the power will come back. And you have extra room or space now…..
my two cents: I have to share a dream I had when I was still a victim of the P. I was going to a work event and it was for some reason a clambake. I was walking along with stacks of things in my arms. The two men next to me were empty handed. They offered to help me carry the stuff. I said no thanks. I can carry it. In fact, I insisit. Very eye opening. At the time I was supporting the P, my ex husband and my chilcren. While they lived nice happy little live. Wow. Dreams are interesting as it’s the brain unleased from society and constraint. Best, Lynn
Lillian, thanks for your take on my dream. Your insistance in your own dream says that you were making your own choices. That sounds like a good thing, right?
Usually I interpret dreams just like you did, but this one was different for me. I think that the dream was just telling me that the world had turned upside down and that most of the time, I cant tell which way is up and which is down until some part of the facade fails.
But your idea to consider the electricity and magnets was eye opening, because in dreams, I don’t usually question why things are the way they are – no matter how bizarre they seem, I just accept them. But in this dream, I actually made up some “explanations” for why things were the way they were. Even though my explanations made no sense, at least I wasn’t just accepting things.