When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
Dear Banana,
YOU have control over the pain, over your reaction to his behavior. YOU. and ONLY YOU. sure, he can do nasty things, but you can choose how YOU react emotionally as well as externally.
You can choose for the pain to subside, and if he does get some visitation even though it is an irritant, you can learn to ACCEPT what you CANNOT CHANGE. It won’t be easy, I won’t say that, but it is POSSIBLE.
Our reactions to whatever circumstances we find ourselves in can be HEALTHY OR UNHEALTHY, and that is up to US. That is the greatest lesson I have learned from this whole thing and all the other psychopathic associations I have had.
My P son still wants to kill me, and I have no doubt will try to find someone to do it for him, and I can choose to live in TERROR or accept that that is the truth, and live CAUTIOUSLY but NOT in “terror.”
If I live in terror (which I could) I would have a miserable life of continual stress, but living with realistic CAUTION I am doing all I can to protect myself, but I am still able to live a life filled with satisfaction, love and joy! and PEACE. I am vigilent, but not HYPER-vigilent. I do not start at every noise outside my house, and I sleep well at night, not worried about someone sneaking in and harming me—but I do have a pistol close at hand most of the time, and I am emotionally prepared to use it if I need to.
I refuse to let my P son’s murderous intentions toward me ruin my life.
You can also refuse to let your X’s evil intentions and crap ruin yours, or your son’s. You must change your internal reactions to him and re-channel your thinking. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!! (((hugs))))
geminigirl: you are so correct! In their effort to use/abuse and heap revenge on someone they do eventually wind up hanging themselves. It does feel kinda good to see this coming down the pike………..I mean like an ending to a movie where the bad guy gets what is coming to them. [my daughter said one of the comments from my x’s nephew was: “I might say that’s the closest thing to a shotgun wedding I’ve ever seen.” I can’t help but wonder what he meant by that comment, but I refuse to ask…]
I think every man that I have had a serious relationship with has some elements of this .. alcoholic, liars, gamblers, cheaters, spiritual freaks, cons, control freaks, after what I have. I just think I attract this type.. I was total by a psychologist that I attract playboy types. I am what they want to have on their arm or be associated with. But that I am too intelligent for them to totally con me. I didn’t see it, but now I really really do. Of course, I have seen through the obvious, but the ones I get are very devious business exec types.. appearing so in love with me or so good.. or so something.. the first one out of college was the worst and I thought nothing could be as bad as he was… but…they were, only different.. so I am totally changing what I am looking for.. I just want a good man, with morals, with integrity and who doesn’t talk about what will be, but what is.
style: please let me know if you find one…..and what pond you fished in. 😉 I read where Michael Caine has been married and faithful for 35 years….and has acted with the world’s most beautiful women including intimate scenes. Boy, his wife is still beautiful and she is 62 years old.
Ladies (and gentlemen)…I saw an interesting report on the news that there is something about us or our paticular personality types, that draws us to people (not necessarily S) and relationships like this that are constantly filled with drama and turmoil. Scary I know. And for most of us this probably isn’t the first time we’ve been in a roller coaster relationship, even if those other relationships may not have been with a S. Apparently, we interpret that drama as “excitment” and we become addicted to the highs and the lows. Normal guys are constant, predictable, easy..and we don’t feel that burning passion or intense spark like we do with the S. We like the “excitment” because let’s face it, most of these guys “seemed soooo interesting, or we think they have something to offer, or they’re soooo charming.” The highs set off endorphines in our brains and it’s that feeling that “we can’t get enough of him.” And when there is trouble? We do anything we can to chase that “high” of when things were good. Basically we’re addicted to A-HOLES!! I think that’s why maybe some of us stayed longer than we should have. I don’t know..maybe we set off some pharmone that alerts the sociopaths and I think can smell that we are perfect prey, victims?!?! We don’t like that nice guy because he’s so normal or boring. But the normal boring ones are the ones that are faithful and truly love the other person they are with. I have friends that are in the most loving relationships and I envy how in love they are, or they never fight, but they’re husbands are just your average Joe. Siiiighhh…Uggghhh….Booooo…I really hope that this doesn’t mean that these are the types of guys I will always choose or attract. But I guess knowing this and being conscious of it I’m going to RUN the next time I meet a guy that seems intruging…lol..I guess I’m gonna start looking at those normal and boring boys in a whole new light. But I thought it was interesting to hear that and thought I would share it with you.
Yep amber, you are exactly right. So I’ve been looking for a normal boring guy, but sometimes I wonder if they aren’t just P’s in “gray rock” disguise. I can’t help worry about it, because I KNOW that I attract P’s and I think I repel normal guys because, well, how come I don’t see any around?
Yes, TB, but its a bitter sweet revenge if the P happens to be your adult daughter. One half of you is saying “YES!!!! She got whats coming to her!!” but the other, Mum half is saying,”Are you crazy? this is your daughter your talking about, whom your supposed to love and cherish and forgive.
If there was any sort of closure or apology from her,Im sure Id instantly forgive her for everything, but it aint goin to happen.I should feel sorry for her,but I feel sorrier for ME, and I know NC is my only hope of emotional survival.It sure isa dilemma! Love and {{HUGS!} Gem.XXThanks Oxy, for your sane and kind words, I know your right. Ill try not to even think about her, far less look up her pics on Facebook, {which seems to be a haven for Narcs!!!}
amber:
Yes, it is true we are conditioned to get involved with these creatures. Until you really understand why you get involved with these subhumans — and I mean understand both intellectually and emotionally — you are doomed to continue to get involved with them.
After the emotional battering we have all taken at the hands of a S (or multiple cluster-Bs) it is natural to want to prove “you’ve still got it” and that you are attractive and interesting until somebody. I rebounded myself after I drove S off. It wasn’t a happy experience.
I finally forced myself to take a “time out” and figure out what was going on in my head and heart. I also used that time to figure out what it was I really wanted in a partner. By the time I put myself back on the market-place I approached things differently than I ever did before — giving things a bit of breathing space, not letting things get driven purely by chemistry, monitoring myself to make sure I wasn’t just selling myself, but also seeing what the person opposite me was selling, and sticking closely to my list of “non-negotiables” (the list of what I was looking for in a partner).
It paid off. I’ve been seeing a really wonderful man for the last 5 months. It gets better each day. I don’t spend my every waking minute obsessing about him. I don’t worry about what he is doing when I’m not around. I trust him. And trust me when I tell you that if a relationship is based on trust, the chemistry gets better and better.
giminigirl: Oh yeah, I agree….not your daughter. I’ve got two [and a son] that basically only think about themselves. My older one betrayed me big time. But, they all have. Yeah, I would forgive too……
Never ceases to amaze me regarding my x hub..he could/would not remain faithful to me….and here he is married again seven months after I divorced him…..even tho I know how these p’s are….still causes my jaw to drop.
Matt,
You are so right. There is a good book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend “BOUNDARIES” – lots of good stuff to read and process. There is also one for MArriage and Boundaries in dating.
I am so thrilled to hear the contentment in your post, Matt – you deserve all the best !!!!