The word “gaslight,” when used as a verb, means “to manipulate someone into questioning their own sanity; to subtly drive someone crazy.” It’s a term that’s been used on this website to describe the psychological damage inflicted by a psychopath.
I was aware that the word, when used in this way, was a reference to the 1944 movie Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman, Charles Boyer, Angela Lansbury and Joseph Cotton. But I had never seen the film. A few days ago, I watched Gaslight for the first time.
The story is set in Edwardian London, where an accomplished singer is mysteriously strangled in her home. The crime is discovered by the singer’s young niece, Paula Alquist (Ingrid Bergman). Paula is traumatized by the murder and leaves London to live in Italy.
Ten years later, Paula falls head-over-heels in love with a handsome and suave pianist, Gregory Anton (Charles Boyer), and they quickly marry. The couple returns to the London house, which Paula has inherited. Then Gregory begins a slow, calculated campaign to make Paula believe she is becoming forgetful, then hysterical, then insane.
Working on the mind
Several film reviews call the villain of the movie, Gregory Anton, a psychopath. Most movies that are supposedly about psychopaths do not, in fact, portray them accurately. Gaslight does a fairly good job.
Gregory maneuvers himself into Paula’s life and quickly sweeps her off her feet. (Does this sound familiar to anyone?) Gregory has an agenda, which is revealed later in the movie. He manipulates Paula into going along with his plans—starting with going back to the London house.
Gradually he starts working on Paula’s mind. He moves things and then asks Paula what she did with them. When Paula is understandably confused—after all, she didn’t do anything—he feigns concern, while making more and more items disappear.
Gregory shames Paula in front of their servants, and gradually convinces the servants that there is something wrong with their mistress. (Has anyone experienced that?) He lets it be known in society that Paula is not well, and then contrives to make Paula have a very public breakdown.
The psychopath shows flashes of rage, then quickly shifts to solicitous manipulation. He becomes more and more dominant—telling Paula what to do and where to sit—while his wife crumbles.
In my opinion, Gaslight provides a fairly good representation of the destructive relationship between a psychopathic predator and his victim. The only big thing that seems off is that Gregory, the villain, has a motivation for what he is doing. From what I’ve seen, many psychopaths destroy the people they supposedly love for no reason at all.
Understanding the dynamics
I was hoping that I’d be able to tell people to watch Gaslight and they’d understand what it’s like to be victimized by a psychopath. Although anyone who has experienced a psychopath will recognize the villain’s behaviors, I’m not sure the movie will help people who haven’t been there understand the dynamics. The film is just a bit too theatrical for the manipulation to be perceived as real.
I also watched American Psycho. In the beginning, the portrayal of the psychopathic character, Patrick Bateman, does seem to capture the grandiosity and cold heartlessness of a psychopath. But then the film turns into a bloody slasher movie, or maybe a horror fantasy—I couldn’t figure it out. In the end, it’s just another one of those movies that confuses people about psychopaths.
So we are left trying to explain to people how the psychopath manipulated us, how we could have fallen for it, why we didn’t see it. And the words just never seem to capture the experience.
it never ceases to amaze me how universal the experience of loving a sociopath is. they all use the exact same techniques to manipulate and destroy, to break us down into putty in their hands.
the most amazing part is that they do it just because thats WHAT THEY DO. Like they r programmed that way and they can’t not do it.
r they even aware of the fact that they r NOT NORMAL?
do they know what they put us through mentally?
do they have insight into the minds of their victims?
maybe we’ll never know for sure what their awareness level is…
when ever i try to describe my story it feels inadequate. Like how can I truly get accross what happened to me, what i felt, why i stayed with him so long? The words I write are never enough to explain it.
The only ones who get the paralyzing helplessness u felt and the inner prison he kept u chained to are the women who have been through it.
i guess thats why we need this site so badly.
thank you so much for starting it.
I dont know if it can be consider being gaslighted or not, but times and times again, my sociopath made me doubt myself and my instinct. It was like I felt that something was wrong, there was inconsistancy in his “stories”, and everytimes he made me doubt my instincts, telling me I was imaging things or that I was paranoided. I know now that wasnt the case, but too often I let him get away with things because he could so easily manipulate me. It breaks my heart and my spirit just to think about it, the way he used me and manipulated me, just because he could…
I call it second-guessing myself. And looking back at my relationship with the sociopath, it’s probably the hidden key to every time I didn’t protect myself or do the logical thing in getting him out of my life.
It started really early. Before we were even involved, he set himself up as an authority in everything that was important to me. Or everywhere I was vulnerable. Whether I was attractive. Whether I was knowledgeable about social trends. Whether my writing was good (I’m a writer). Whether I was sexually adequate. Whether I was good mother. Whether I was an ethical person. And on and on.
And it wasn’t just that he criticized me, he also flattered me. I never knew what kind of judgment I’d receive. But in retrospect I realize that the nature of the judgment probably wasn’t as meaningful as the fact that he was constantly judging me. And though I tried to fight off those judgments, particularly in the beginning, he was very clever about punishing me, withdrawing attention or finding some reason to be unable to meet an important commitment, or humiliating me in some way when I tried to stand up for myself.
One of the hardest things for me in getting over it was getting over hating myself for being so unbelievably stupid. I agreed to things that I never would have agreed to with anyone else. Over the course of five years, there are maybe a dozen major pivotal moments when I agreed to something that was clearly self-destructive. And each time I did it, part of me knew I couldn’t handle it or I was going to get badly hurt, but I didn’t trust my own instincts. Instead I trusted his elaborate rationales about why this would be “good for me.”
Dr. Leedon said that depression is “learned helplessness.” I think that depression is crippling grief and absolute fury with yourself for letting go of your own power over your life, for becoming so helpless. It took years to learn how to trust myself again. And in doing that, I learned how, when faced with someone who wants to use me or convince me that they know better than me what is good for me, to be a warrior in defending myself own ideas, values, feelings and dreams.
I’ve also learned how to be hyper-conscious of that strange feeling of second-guessing myself. Those questions like do I have a right to feel this way, do I really deserve better treatment, am I really not smart enough to understand what’s going on? When that kind of question comes up in my mind, I give it one good look to see if my inner self is trying give me some advice — because sometimes we do get lost in the heat of the moment — and then turn away from anything that diminishes me or makes me feel confused, weak or stupid. This is my life, and I may make mistakes because I’m not perfect, but it’s my job to trust myself, take care of myself, and do the best I can with my circumstances.
And that means that, from now on, anyone who tries to get into my mind — especially people who start volunteering information about me, about who I am or what I need — get banished very quickly. That is disrespectful. I respect other people’s dignity and their efforts to live meaningful lives, and I expect it in return. And I think that’s the best inoculation against ever letting another sociopath into my life.
This weekend is Mother’s Day and I plan on watching “Gaslight”. I should be happy but instead, am depressed. I was with my ex-sociopath for 9 years and he tried his best to manipulate my children as well as poison my mind. He turned me into an alcoholic and drug addict and made me feel as though I were losing my sanity. But, that was 4 yrs ago and I recovered…slowly. What scares me the most, however is his relationship with my middle son who is now 20. He says bad things to him about me and is slowly poisoning him like he did with me. It sickens me to hear about it. In March, his own son died of a drug overdose. He was only 19. When I think back on his treatment of him, I can’t help but think that he poisoned his poor little mind in a slow and methodical manner. Everything he has touched has turned out badly and it gives me great relief to read these stories and see that I am not alone. My ex has left behind him a path of destruction and we are left picking up the pieces in his aftermath. Hopefully, I will enjoy a nice Mother’s Day with my sons but I have anxiety and am afraid that he will try his best to ruin it for me.
Oddly enough, it was when he tried Gaslighting me that I really started to look at him. Even then, I thought he was just stressed by his mother’s illness. But he told me I had interupted him when he was discussing his mother’s illness to talk about my own. Then he said I did it again a few minutes later. Even then, even though he was drugging me to the point my memory was shot, I thought, that isn’t how I act, that’s how HE acts. He rarely let me finish a sentence.
I have anxiety disorder and chronic depression, but I do know what behaviors I do, and what is against my nature. Sadly, I just thought he was having some sort of midlife crisis, and didn’t know enough to protect myself. I trusted him completely. I’ve come to the conclusion that there is such a thing as waaaay too much trust.
He flattered me too, never said a mean word to me. I’m still learning how much he managed to manipulate me, how many hoops I jumped through to keep that coming, while I told him a thousand times a day how wonderful he was. He played on my illness and somehow I turned from a very independent, stong person, to a sick weakling. I’m not sure I’ll ever recover from that, I’m scared to death that I’ll get involved with yet another one.
Funny, just happened to go back and look at some of these archives and this one popped out at me.
Gaslight….what a great analogy. There are days I still question my sanity in regards to my now defunct relationship of nine years with a sociopath. I have a child with this sociopath which gives me about another decade of this emotional rollercoaster ride of intimidations and tactile legal manuevers to deal with.
I have found solace in this web site in the knowledge that I am not crazy and that as much as you and I can see the issues on mental illness with these sociopaths, the legal system is not ready to handle them on the level in which they need to be dealt with. They are smarter than you and I and any legal system anywhere and plot their next move with the precision of a master chess player.
I have developed the sixth sense to be able to anticipate his next set of manuevers. This had lead those involved in the legal side of this game to question my mental stability in the past. However, over the years of sticking to my principals and continously handling myself in the most honest and decent manner I have won their respect and trust.
It is those on the outside who can never understand the depth of misperception and deceit that a sociopath will go to in his grand plot. They are the ones who still make me doubt myself sometimes because I feel humilated and belittled by the level at which I sank in my relationship with this man. I still have my days where I cannot believe that I was that Trusting and that Naive.
I can never regret my time with him because I have the greatest gift from him, our son. For that, I am grateful everyday and vow everyday to watch for the signs that he may possess his father’s “evil” ways and when I see anything the remotely takes on that form, I give him love and positive reinforcement on the good he does and hold him highly accountable to any lies or deceits that he may try to pull.
Everyday is a day of recovery from my time with this person and I am now not anywhere near the person I was either prior to meeting him or while I was with him. I am who I am because of him and hope that someday I can provide hope to those who are going through the same mess.
I linked to this from another archived post … which delighted me because I always have trouble getting into the archives and in between new posts it is valuable to read older ones.
I watched the movie Gaslight and although it’s portrayal is in another era and world … the behaviours are recognisable. I first learned the term when I was researching an abuse tutorial – it is a symptom of emotional abuse – well a tactic of abuse. We were separated at that point and I thought it ‘just hadnt’ worked out’ for reasons I couldn’t really explain. It was at that point I realised I had been abused and he had practiced virtually all the tactics on me. I later found out what he really was and ended up here.
I wonder if these posters are still around and how they’re healing from their experiences. I can so relate to what they wrote – about long time spent wondering what the heck was happening, losing myself and continually doubting myself. It’s not an easy recovery by any stretch of the imagination.
Well hopefully others will read this older post and comment as well – I think it is a great discussion of the film plot and characters – well done yet again Donna! My congratulations for this one are very late though 🙂
Dear Polly,
I saw this movie years ago and at the time it really didn’t have any “meaning” for me, not like now. Alfred Hitchcock did a TV show of the same kind where the husband was driving the wife crazy with “lilttle things.”
There’s an old book, I read, 40 yrs ago called “Body Language” that explains how our body language sends subtle signals that can make people uncomfortable. Like how people become uncomfortable if you stand too close or too far away, or put your purse on someones deas, or move your drinking glass on to their “half” of the table, etc.
The book told how to assume dominant “postures” or submissive postures in just about any situation, all with body language. I started observing these and found them very interesting. Any good actor would have to know this, and in fact, watching a show last night, I saw a particularly good example of this.
The person who is being intimidated may not even be aware of what is going on, but they react to the body language as well as the gaslighting. Sometimes they are not even aware of what is going on. I think that is just another part of the gaslighting and the D & D. as well.
That is part of what amazes me – I had no idea I was being abused till I read through all the behaviours that constitute psychological abuse. In actual fact, I had skimmed them years before and actually thought to myself
“Those poor women going through that – thank goodness I have a reasonable husband”
And he was doing it at that time too! Unbelievable!
Behaviours used were – denial, minimising, gaslighting, coercion, using fear, obligation and guilt, name calling, making me feel bad about myself, distancing, cold shoulder and silent treatment, crazy making behaviour, lying, starting arguments over nothing, blame shifting, stone walling, humiliation (both public and private), playing mind games, pressuring me, blame shifting, raging, severe economic and financial abuse … you know all the rest!
I just download and read in one sitting Women who Love Psychopaths … eye opening to say the least. It was like reading a highly detailed description of myself and my character, his character (the fake and the real horrible one) and everything that happened. It was uncanny and I will have to read again.
Journalling it out is really helping. It is funny that I intuitively knew I had to write it – so far I am at 178 pages and still stuff is pouring out. I read a book on PTSD that recommended journalling, integrating the experience into your personal history and coming to terms with what has happened. I still will probably need to explore therapy but for now journalling is really helping me when I have doubts come up – ‘surely it wasn’t that bad’ ‘Maybe it was just a lousy relationship’
I just have to read through what I have written to squash those statements flat – he was very dangerous and I am lucky to have emerged with the level of harm I have. It could have been much worse for me. My position in life is still somewhat recoverable although I will never be the same again. I now honor my instincts – if I am uncomfortable with something I don’t do it.
For example, I met a new friend a while ago locally. We were conversing through email and decided to meet up for coffee. He asked me to pick him up and I didn’t feel right about it so I said NO. Even if he got soaked in the rain! I explained why too – said ‘I don’t know you well enough and I trust my instincts now. If you don’t want to meet me because of this then I am fine with that but I won’t be picking you up till I know you better.’
I half expected a bad reaction to this – must be the conditioning from The Evil One, but this guy took it well and replied
“If you have the courage to be yourself with me then you are a friend worth having. I will make my own way there and meet you at the coffee bar.” We had a great conversation – he’s normal – how refreshing! And we are taking our friendship slowly. It’s very strange interacting with normal people again – I am not as confident as I used to be.
I now realise how utterly sensitive I am to non verbal cues from people as well as verbal ones … I have to be careful in future not to fall into traps with people trying to manipulate me.
Dear Polly,
GOOD FOR YOU! Stick with those instincts!
I made a list of “deal breakers” for ANY kind of a relationship whether friendship, romantic, or wahtever….
1) NUMBER ONE–NO LIARS–no second chance
2) NO illegal activities of ANY kind
3) NO sleezy behavior of any kind
4) NO person who is a mooch
5) NO person who is unreliable/irresponsible
6) NO person who is a “blame placer”
The first “episode” of any of these things, the first episode of any form of untrustworthiness or failure to be fair or reasonable, I will not have this person inside my “circle of trust:.”
I consider my “circle of trust” to be one that a person must EARN the right to enter….not automatic admittence and then when they break trust, I throw them OUT—they don’t get IN until they have shown that they are WORTHY.
There are of course different levels of trust and a person must work their way from the outside the outer circle on toward the inner one, but I have decided (and followed up on) tossing people out who have been inside quite some time, including some “close” friends that were never really friends, just parasites.