Genetically prone to cheating

tobehappy, I loved your post, and I really related to what you’re saying.

After I finally got the last sociopath out of my life (or thought I did, I actually identified a few more later), I realized that it was just going to be more of the same in the future. Or maybe worse because I was so broken down emotionally that I figured I was going to attract a bottom feeder who would just mop up what was left and finish me off. And I decided to figure out what was wrong with me — particularly what was wrong that I could imagine I loved this monster and continued to be involved with him for five years — AND FIX IT!

That decision turned out to be the greatest gift I ever gave myself. And the beginning of the first time in my life that I ever really made myself the priority.

Which was kind of surprising, because I was always trying to fix things in my life and trying to make the right decisions and trying to achieve something, despite being plagued with some psychological issues like depression and anxiety. But the reality was that I was always “about” other people. Whether it was trying to protect their feelings. Or investing in their lives in hopes that they would turn out to be the people I hoped they were. Or trading babying other people through their issues in return for them protecting and comforting me. Or being generous with them in hopes that they would see how that worked and be generous with me. My whole rule system was about all the ways I had to sell myself off in order to be accepted or even loved a little bit.

The really horrible and destructive relationship with the sociopath was, I realized as I discovered that I had not the faintest idea of how to counter his ability to live outside rules that I lived by, just a bigger and worse example of the way I’d lived my whole life. I was inviting abuse and exploitation. And I finally found a guy who was an expert at using both to further goals that had nothing to do with me.

You’ll love this. You know what he said to me while he was still in the seduction phase? That I was the most feminine woman he’d ever met. I was born in 1948. He was born in 1968. I thought it was about that, my socialization in the days of cinch belts, girdles and women who stayed in the kitchen. Woman who made an art form out of encouraging men in the belief that they were the masters of the universe, while the little lady kept his world running in the background.

And that was true, sort of. He wanted a woman who could be intimidated at the same time she was convinced that he needed her. A woman’s whose heart could be broken by thoughtless betrayals but who would stand by her man when he showed up with flowers and apologies. A woman who could be convinced that her future happiness depended on keeping him happy and helping him work out all his issues on her and her life. A woman who wanted to be needed.

My sister (who comes from the same family background and has her version of the same issues with men) once asked me, “Why do I keep getting involved with men who have Mommy issues?” It took years before I realized that it was becuase we were volunteering to be Mommy. And free therapist. And emotional voodoo doll. And neven-closing spigot of whatever kind of support they decided they needed next. Not even really thinking about checking out until so much damage had been done to our self-esteem and our careers and our bank accounts that we virtually had to start over every time we got rid of one of them. And start over only when after we’d spent an ungodly amount of time licking our wounds and trying to get back on our feet.

Well, I’m ranting here. And all I really meant to say was welcome to the wonderful path toward the exit from serial victimhood. I wrote a series of essays here on LoveFraud called “After the Sociopath, How Do We Heal?” They’re written from the assumption that we probably have earlier issues that made us vulnerable to these people. You might take a look at the first three or four to validate what you’re going through. (My name is on the list of authors in the skinny column at the left of the page.)

Warm best wishes and I look forward to reading more of your posts —

Kathy

nolongernaive, you know you’re going to called on this overweight thing.

Overweight says who? You are the perfect weight for what you’ve beening doing. Learning to understand and protect your boundaries. Weight is insulation against the cold and upholstery against the sharp corners of life. It’s a personal pantry to keep us going when times get tough. It’s a way to get more grounded and demand more space when we need time to process. And it’s evidence the you’ve been self-comforting which is a good thing.

You are a beautiful example of a person who’s been healing. The weight serves a lot of purposes. And you might consider loving it for all those reasons, rather than using it as something to dislike about yourself.

I read some wonderful things recently about how we are not our bodies, but our bodies are the vehicles we are given to support and surround and nurture our spirits. Your body has been helping you through this transition. And though it might not seem like the best thing (until you think about it), it is also a message to the outside world that you are not volunteering to serve anyone else’s fantasies, you want to be loved for who you are. Anyone who criticizes you for it is showing their own prejudices and the limitations of their ability to support you as a real person, not a Barbie doll. And it’s nice to know about these things before you get further involved with them.

When you’re interested in more active engagement with life, you’ll get more active. You won’t have to beat yourself up about anything. It will just happen.

Meanwhile take your clothes off and get in front of a mirror and think about how Rubens would just drool over you. And he was a gorgeous man, cultured, hardworking, wildly successful and with two great marriages (his first wife died). Don’t be intimidated by the “rules” of the fashion industry. There are lots of versions of beauty and there is nothing more magnetically appealing than the self-confident glow that comes from liking yourself exactly as you are.

Sending the kind of big hug that wouldn’t be nearly as much fun if you were skinny —

Kathy