Sooner or later, those of us who are romantically involved, or have been romantically involved, with sociopaths and other exploiters recognize that the relationship is bad for us and must end. Although we know this intellectually, often we still feel incredible attraction, even love, for the individual. How do we break the emotional attachment?
For example, Lovefraud recently received the following letter:
I am single, and I think I was with someone very narcissistic, if not outright sociopathic. The thing is, even though I am no longer with him (and he did not get to my finances), he broke my heart.
My question is, how do you get over him? I have tried to date others, but no man has compared with the chemistry and (you know, all the rest) that I had with the narcissist. I have a man now who truly loves me, and we are soul mates. I just don’t have that “sizzle” with him that I did with the one who was bad for me. Do you think I should “settle” for the good, honest man? I mean, I am attracted to him; it’s just not the mad passion like the narcissist brought out.
Many, many readers have told Lovefraud that getting over relationships with sociopaths (narcissists, etc.) is much more difficult than getting over other relationships that they’ve had. The reasons for this are complicated, and are rooted in both normal human psychology and the sociopath’s pathology.
The seduction
The first thing to understand is that sociopaths engage in seduction. This is significantly different from a normal dating relationship.
When two relatively healthy people begin dating, they are both testing the waters. They are spending time with each other to see if they like each other enough, or have enough in common, or get along well enough, to keep going. Yes, one party may be more interested than the other, but neither of them has made a decision.
In contrast, sociopaths purposely and consciously seduce their targets. They lavish the person with attention. They want to know everything about the target, they call and text constantly, they shower the person with gifts large and small. Sociopaths move fast, and quickly begin talking about love, commitment and marriage. This is called love bombing.
For most of us, the only experience we’ve ever had with this level of attention is in a fairytale. We are swept off our feet, caught up in the intensity, the magic, of Prince or Princess Charming. We’ve heard all those stories of “love at first sight,” and hope that it’s finally happened to us. We think it’s real.
Here’s what you need to understand: The sociopath’s extraordinary pursuit is never about love. It is about predation. You are or have something that the sociopath wants—at least for the moment. Despite what the sociopath says, his or her interest in you is not about building a relationship or future together. It’s about acquiring a possession.
The sex adventure
Sociopaths, both men and women, are hard-wired for sex. They have high levels of testosterone, and a strong appetite for stimulation. These two facts are probably responsible for the “animal magnetism” that we sense with them.
But that’s only the beginning. Sociopaths are often extraordinarily energetic and proficient lovers—at least technically. Because of their tremendous sexual appetite, they start young and have a lot of partners, so they quickly become experienced. And, because they have no shame, they feel no inhibitions. In fact, they frequently want to push their partners’ boundaries.
Is this passion? No—it’s boredom. Sociopaths quickly tire of the same old thing, and want new sexual adventures. Getting the target to go along with their desires offers two types of rewards: They enjoy new modes of stimulation. And, they manipulate the partners. This is especially fun if the partner initially resists the demands.
The sex connection
From Nature’s point of view, of course, the purpose of sex is propagation—the continuation of the human species. Nature wants children to survive, and the best chance of that happening is when parents stay together to care for them.
Therefore, sexual intimacy causes changes in the brain that contribute to bonding between the partners. One agent for doing this is oxytocin, a neurotransmitter sometimes called the “love hormone.”
Oxytocin is released during sexual orgasm, and, in women, in childbirth and nursing. According to Wikipedia, here’s what the hormone does:
Oxytocin evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the mate. In order to reach full orgasm, it is necessary that brain regions associated with behavioral control, fear and anxiety are deactivated; which allows individuals to let go of fear and anxiety during sexual arousal. Many studies have already shown a correlation of oxytocin with human bonding, increases in trust, and decreases in fear.
So during sex, your brain is being flooded with calmness, trust and contentment, and fear and anxiety are alleviated. If you’re involved in a true loving and committed relationship, this contributes to bonding, which is fine and healthy.
Sociopaths, however, do not bond in the same way that healthy people do. Although we don’t know if oxytocin works differently in sociopaths, or perhaps doesn’t work at all, we do know that sociopaths are deficient in their ability to love. So while the healthy partner develops a love bond; the sociopath does not.
The addiction
A love bond is created by pleasure, and during the seduction phase of the relationship, the sociopath generates extreme pleasure for the target. However, addiction research has discovered that although pleasure is required to form a bond, pleasure is not required to maintain it. Even when a relationship starts to get rocky, normal people still feel bonded. Again, this is Nature’s way of keeping people together. If parents split up at the first sign of trouble, the survival of children would be in doubt.
Sooner or later, of course, relationships with sociopaths get rocky. Perhaps the sociopath engages in cheating, stealing or abuse. The sociopath’s actions create fear and anxiety in the target. But instead of driving the target away from the sociopath, anxiety and fear actually strengthen the psychological love bond.
So what do the targets do? They turn to the sociopaths for relief. The sociopaths may apologize profusely and promise to change their hurtful ways, reassuring the targets. The targets, feeling bonded to the sociopaths, want to believe the reassurances, so they do. Then the two people have sex, which reinforces the bond again.
From the target’s point of view, the relationship becomes a vicious circle of bonding, anxiety, fear, relief, sex and further bonding. The longer it goes on, the harder it is for the target to escape.
The result: For the target, the love bond becomes an addiction.
Vulnerability
How is this possible? How do targets get into this predicament?
Often, targets are primed for sociopathic relationships due to trauma that they have already experienced in their lives. As children, they may have suffered physical, emotional, psychological or sexual abuse from family members, authority figures or others. Or, the targets may have already experienced exploitative relationships, such as domestic violence, from which they have not recovered.
These abusive experiences create “trauma bonds.” As a result, abuse and exploitation feel normal to a target.
For healing to occur, targets need to look honestly into themselves and into their histories, finding the root of the issue. Was there a prior relationship that made you vulnerable to a sociopath?
Recovery
So, to answer the original question in the letter, how do you get over the sociopath?
First of all, you need to understand that what you are feeling is not chemistry or love. You are feeling addiction and a pathological love bond—the trauma bond.
Healing requires conscious effort. The book called The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., is an excellent resource for doing this. Carnes writes:
Once a person has been part of our lives, the ripples remain, even though we have no further contact. In that sense a relationship continues even though we may consciously exorcise it from our conscious contact. Once you understand that principle, a shift will occur in all of your contact with others.
If the relationship was toxic, as in a traumatic bond, the relationship must go through a transformation, since it will always be with you. You do not need to be in contact with th person to change the nature of the relationship. You can change how you perceive it. You can change how it impacts you.
How do you do this? You commit to facing the reality of the relationship—all of it. Trauma tends to distort perception—you want to focus the good memories and forget about the bad ones. You must force yourself to deal with the truth of the experience—including the betrayal.
If you’re still feeling the tug of the pathological relationship, The Betrayal Bond includes information and exercises that can help you break free. The book is available in the Lovefraud Store. (My book, Love Fraud, describes an alternative path to recovery.)
And to the Lovefraud letter-writer: Do not confuse drama with love. Accepting a good, honest man is not “settling.” It is the foundation of a healthy relationship.
You can move forward.
You are exactly right about his playing the “victim” card . . . and he’s used it as much as possible. And she’s fallen for it and thinks she’s the one to “save him” now.
And unfortunately, I’ve played into his hand too well over the past year . . . as I sometimes do come across as a crazy, deranged person because he knows how to play me. His latest — he was 3 weeks late on his child support payment, and then when he FINALLY wrote me one I deposited it only to have it returned — why? because he stale dated it by listing the year as “O1” rather than “11.”
His response was as charming as ever, “I was pre-occupied, it was an honest mistake.” It’s so easy to believe him — because you WANT to believe him (you feel sorry for him because of his many excuses of he’s overwhelmed at work, etc.) — but, now I’m just seeing this is the continuation of a 20 year pattern of his sick games.
Its been hard to not be so emotional and react immediately to him. Right now we’re in a battle over visitation. He moved two states away and yet he wants me to hand-deliver our children to him for visits that are convenient to him. I went over the edge, but didn’t respond immediately (and haven’t quite yet). After discussing with those close to me, I realize that he’s likely miserable in his situation and he’s seeing that I’m actually better off. So he’s making the visitation difficult (because I know in his heart of hearts, he could care less about seeing his kids — it’s just a way of promoting his image of being a “good dad.”) He’s trying to keep his hooks in me by making my life miserable . . . and unfortunately he uses my children as a way to manipulate me. I’ve vowed to myself that I’m going to stand my ground and now bow down like I always did to his desires. I do have a life, my children have a life, and we will no longer be manipulated by his selfishness.
But getting back to the OW — and you think you are long-winded 🙂
There are days that I think maybe he is sincere with her, that maybe she offers him a life and happiness I never could. But when I hear reports or read on FB his status updates, I see the con big-time. He’s so pretending to be something he’s not — liking what she likes, doing what she wants to do, wooing her family and friends with his being such a southern gentleman. It’s all a game . . . and being able to watch from afar, I see how I got played as well.
It’s hard, especially when I see how my boys get sucked into it. They think their dad is “fun” — with his skiing trips, first time on an airplane to travel out west . . . but, I know that she paid for it all. He’s just reaping the award of being “Dad of the Year.” She’s doing all the work, paying the price, and gets no credit for it — just like I did for 20 years.
For months after he left me, I wanted to prove to his family and to her that I wasn’t at all what he presented about our marriage — he tells them that I was a good PR person for our marriage (that’s what I do as a profession), but that it was “hell” behind closed doors.
But as time goes on, I think people are starting to see the truth about him (though I’ve learned now some folks always saw him for who he was — but, because they loved me, they stayed silent).
Despite having the rug pulled out from under me, I’ve landed on my feet — I found a great job, a great house/neighborhood, my boys are secure and happy, and I’m surrounded by good friends/family.
He, on the other hand, has no friends (I realize it was me that our friends were attracted to — but, somehow I convinced myself that it was him who was the life of the party), he was fired from his job, he never seems to have any money, and is now being hounded by creditors, collection agencies, etc. (if I’m receiving phone calls, I know his family and maybe even she is). He looks awful — gained weight, is all “puffy” looking from his alcoholism (something else I denied). I think his family is finally starting to see that it was me that kept it all together for him.
The gf may be paying for things like vacations, date nights, and perhaps even his food and shelter . . . but, I’m sure he’s hiding from her all his debt and perverted sexual behavior until she has a ring on her finger and he has her hooked for good.
Woodrow,
It’s really hard to see it for what it is AT TIMES, even though you know, because your heart sometimes still aches. I was the OW and my heart aches, knowing he has gf down the street, knowing that just three weeks ago, he was love bombing in another state. I choose not to look at his fb page or the people he posts too because APPEARANCES are deceiving and I’ve been hurt by looking, it throws me into a depression for days on end. It’s just not worth it.
Let me give you a snapshot into what exPOS has said to me about the ex. His victimy behavior NEVER ends!! His ex is very strong though. She doesn’t put up with his shit and makes him adhere to the court ordered visitation, but it doesn’t stop him from creating drama between she and the children or to push her buttons. He’s such an asshole!!! He is forever calling her a bitch “If I didn’t have MY children, I wouldn’t talk to that lying bitch again”. He lies to his children too. This I know for a fact. He also knows NOTHING about being a father to them emotionally, he spoils his son to the point where I strongly suspect that son is turning spath. I don’t know if ex understands just how deep his disorder goes, but he’s def turning his son that way. His daughter is a delight and a very sweet girl. He does NOTHING except for appearances. He takes them on shopping sprees, buys them anything they want. But he has major issues being a father to them. He does spath jrs homework for him LOL!!!
He doesn’t have the patience on an emotional level to deal with them properly. He’s CONSTANTLY angry at their mother. ANd guess who heard all of this ad nauseum? Yep, you guessed it! I feel very sorry for new love bomb. Soon enough he will be using her to triangulate everyone involved. MUCH more fun. He doesn’t discipline properly, particularly spathy jr so he gets NASTY if one attempts to discipline spathy son. what a nightmare!!! He even used his DOG as an excuse to be angry with me. It was amazing!!!
I’m glad I’m out of it when I think about things like that. He is truly the evil little bastard he’s always been and will always be.
And so is yours. I’m so sorry you have to share parenting with this man. There’s tons of good articles here about that. I don’t have to do that, so I don’t know much about it, other than what I experienced with exspath.
Be strong, Woodrow. To create drama, he may USE new gf to create drama between you and your children. It’s more fun for him, the more chaos he can try to bring to your life.
I wish you the best with all of that.
LL
This is an email I got from love bomb after we started talking about what my exPOS was doing, this is the one he was lying to me about, even when confronted with the truth. I think calling her “love bomb” is probably not respectful because she truly is a nice person. I don’t want to use her name. She was potentially one of his victims.
Anyway, this was very important to me and I am so grateful to her for having shared so much of what he was doing, but I wanted to share all of this here on this thread because perhaps all of you can relate to it. This is so textbook spath and it seems that what they do in the love bombing phase is all alike:
“I really agree with all of that. The more I look back and see what kinds of things he was doing I can see that. The drama of the “chase”. The trolling” the songs, flowers, wine, obsession of wine and talk of it (of course I asked to bcuz I’ve been wanting to learn), the presents, the nice texts/emails that really didn’t say anything but asking questions or would answer your question with a question, flying here, whoaaa, not good. I should have seen it coming but I am really naïve! Too naïve. Plus I didn’t think anyone could like me as I was already “in love” with someone else. Thank God!!”
Boy. Just when I start to get those nagging doubts and weak moments you all pull me back into reality with one of these emails that I soooo needed to read today. My emotional affair with said S woman was with no sex. I wanted it but she never did. I recently was told by her:”I Never wanted YOU in that way!” No. She just wanted to milk me dry with my wallet. I spent $1,400 on her last year putting aside things my wife desperately needed… her teeth pulled out and dentures, new glasses and a pair of hearing aides. Instead… i went through my mid life crisis with the S woman. I had seen the sociopath signs before but turned my head to it..”Because I loved her so much”. She ended our relationship back in October. I feel exactly what was mentioned above. Most of the time I just hate her. But sometimes I think about HOW “It should have been” in my mind.. in my fantasies. I say to myself I will love you until day I die… and then the next minute,”I hate your Fing Guts Bitch!” think about how much she has taken from me, almost cost me my marriage..then I get the reality check. Your timing could not have been better this morning! I really needed the reminder because I was going through a weak spell the past few days..
Donna: Thank you for this post. It was very hard to read and actually, I couldn’t at first. But, after awhile I was able to get all the way through it. It is difficult not to hang my head in shame. My ex was a very energetic and highly sexual person and was not abusive. But, of course, he led several lives, mine being one of them, and a complete lie.
The part that I struggle with the most is that I’ve never held a solid and loving relationship with anyone. All of the men I’ve been with have either been alcoholics, abusers and the like. I actually thought this last guy was “the one” as he was everything I had ever wanted.
I am a highly successful business woman. I excel at my job and here I have failed in every capacity as a person. I’ve heard that I’m “too nice” or “I put up with a lot of crap”. The result of it being that being nice means being a doormat and being alone.
I feel that everytime I meet a man that I now seem, in my mind’s eye, boring, not challenging, and not worth pursuing.
At this time in my life, it is a horrible feeling to realize that I’ve chosen the same person time and time again. Only, they move on and I’m left as a shell.
Shelby…When YOU change certain beliefs…you will attract and be attracted to different “types” of men.
Awareness is the first step. You are there.
Now you need to “deprogram” and take time to work on YOU before getting involved with another man.
That is where I am at now. I have grown and learned more about myself in the last 2 yrs…and my friends have seen the growth in me. I now listen to my gut feeling…I am independent by nature and I am not afraid to be alone.
In fact, I am enjoying the journey to be wiser and stronger.
I know the red flags in people now…I listen to my instincts…and I am now turned off by the “charmers” that I used to be attracted to.
Its time to work on YOU. We can’t change THEM…but we can change ourselves to be stronger and wiser and to never doubt ourselves again.
You are not a shell…You have YOU. And you can be nice and kind…without trusting someone until you really really know them. You will get there.
Lesson Learned,
I don’t know about you, but it does seem therapeutic to be hearing the perspective of the OW.
There are days that I feel that I can forgive her and even feel sorry for her as I see how she is being love-bombed and manipulated as I was. From her past history of numerous marriages and countless bfs, I also can determine she has some major insecurities as well.
However, there are days I can’t forgive her knowing that she went into this affair full-blown knowing that he had a wife and two young children. That she paid for his plane tickets, their hotel rooms, concert tickets, golf outings . . . all under the guise he was on a business trip.
But as they say, what comes around goes around.
I did alert her to his habitual cheating. See when he first left me, he blamed it all on the fact that I didn’t “support” him — strange when you consider we had just moved again four months earlier for his “career” (our fourth move in 10 years for him — and every time I started all over again with new jobs, new community, and my boys new schools).
He denied for months that there was anyone else . . that it was simply he was miserable with me and that he didn’t love me. I kept blaming myself and was doing everything that I could to fix our marriage (even sleeping with him still).
During one of our trysts as a separated couple, he let it slip about an e-mail account. Well, I did a little sleuthing and was able to find it and even figured out his PW . . . that’s where I discovered he had been maintaining a year-long affair with her. Even worse, the last time he had been intimate with me just days before . . . he left my bed and went to hers.
I was devastated, and I confronted him. He lied and lied to my face not knowing all that I had learned. And he was so cold and unemotional . . . it was scary. Well, during our confrontation I was poking him in the chest demanding that he be honest with me. He grabbed a hold of my wrists and would not let go . . . so I bit the crap out of him to let go. Well, long story short, days later he charged me and had me arrested for assault and then tried to take my boys away from me saying I was an unfit mother.
Needless to say for months after it was an emotional roller coaster. I was finally starting to see the mask coming off. But it was so unbelievable to me that here I had been with this person for 20 years, and to learn I never really knew who he was.
I was consumed wanting to learn everything about her, and their time together. The weird thing is — she’s very much my twin. She looks like me — same hair style, color, body shape (though thinner), height, and she has many of my same interests, in fact she wears similar clothes, owns similar things as I do. But it hurt knowing about all their romantic weekends together, the fun they were having — because I never had that (no honeymoon, no birthday presents, vacations, weekend getaways without the kids, etc.). Here he was living this “fun” life, and I was left to pick up the pieces of my destroyed marriage — trying to keep it all together for me and my boys.
Well if that wasn’t bad enough, I finally was able to take the mask completely off when I discovered yet another one of his e-mail accounts (this was a year ago . . . and she and him were now a serious couple, had been so for nearly six months). That’s when I discovered that he had been cheating on me for 10 years or more, but not with just women. I discovered he had been maintaining online affairs for years, engaging in phone sex, actual gay sex, and had an active panty/cross-dressing fetish (even found pics of him he had posted), and had been communicating on swinger sites, with couples, and transvestites, and was regular on Craigslist inviting people to his hotel rooms when he was on business trips, etc.
This was ongoing even throughout his entire affair with her. In fact, she was one of many . . . . but, the only the difference was she was willing to pay for the hotel rooms, the plane tickets, etc. And she had fallen head over heels in love with him.
The day I had discovered this he had been planning via e-mail a tryst with a man that afternoon after a business meeting. After the tryst, he was then driving to meet her as she had just accepted a job (two states away) and he was going to help her find a house. I called and confronted him while he was driving. Naturally he denied at first, but then when I read back to him the e-mail he had written just hours before, he finally said, “Let me live my life.”
I begged him to turn the car around. To leave her alone . . . to not do to her what he did to me. I reminded him she was vulnerable, had two children, and was getting ready to move cross country to be close to him. Well, obviously he ignored my pleas.
Again, I felt sorry for him thinking he had a sex addiction problem. He cried the alligator tears, telling me he was glad I knew and that he wanted it to stop, and he was going to get help. Looking back he said to me everything that was in the books about sex addiction — again I believed because I wanted to. He even had the nerve to say that he wanted to get help because he wanted to have a meaningful relationship with HER — not me, the woman who had been my his side for 20 years, the mother to his two children. And like I fool, I felt sorry for him.
I went through counseling, went to SANON meetings, and then I discovered this website. After now having all the pieces to the puzzle, I realized that I wasn’t dealing with an emotionally weak or insecure man, or a sex addict . . . I was dealing with an extreme sociopath who is a master at the game.
So since the discovery, a year has come and gone. I’m emotionally stronger, I’m financially better off than I ever was with him, but yet I still have those feelings of “what about me — when will she and his family realize how he did me so wrong.”
Finally, I could no longer stay silent and before Thanksgiving (almost a year to the day I discovered his secret life) I sent her a long e-mail detailing everything I knew about his cheating on me and on her.
Did she read it? I don’t know — maybe she deleted it, maybe he deleted it, maybe she thinks I made the whole thing up, or maybe he did everything like the article stated — apologizing profusely, crying the tears, begging the forgiveness and saying he’s a “changed” man — and thus creating that “bonding” even more.
I am so grateful for this site because I realize that I am not alone. Though I’m surrounded my a strong network of family and friends, people don’t understand why I just can’t move on, “get over him.” It’s tough, and some days I feel like I’m the crazy one . . . not him.
Thanks to everyone on here for allowing us the opportunity to share our stories and for helping us to realize we’re good people who just got conned by someone we loved and thought loved us back.
Love Bombed-that is exactly what happened with my ex. he was so attentive and always right there when I needed something. And slowly, that changed. HE needed and I was always the one giving. No more.
I started counseling and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I also have my son starting counseling. It simply became too much for me to handle and I’m now seeing someone who has been there herself. It doesn’t get any better than that when it comes to understanding!
Woodrow,
In some odd ways, it’s healing for me to hear from you in the position of having been the wife. My exPOS was married to his ex for 17 years. That was marriage 2. The first one 4 years. I want to address his pseudo proclamations that he’s feeding you about changing. I suspect my exPOS did this to his wife too.
About five years into our affair, he told HER about us. I had threatened to do it, as I was getting pissed and impatient with him (many promises to leave, stated or implied with a “I can’t leave my kids”) not getting out. I wasn’t really going to tell her at THAT point, so he did it for me. He called me right after he told me and she was howling in pain in the background in fetal position on the floor, asking ME what to say TO HER, not knowing what TO DO, then blaming ME for what happened! Amazing shit. I heard from him twice after that as he blamed me and spewed hours of blame onto me about HIS involvement with me. FF six months later. Contact and back at it. He did contact me a few more times to let me know he’s a changed man and so committed to his marriage, blah blah blah….six months later, “This is too much work”. so we were back at it and the same stuff over and over, “She’s a bitch, yadda yadda yadda”….this is just what they do. He could have cared LESS about her. He went back to get things back to the way they were, reign her in and then out and about again.
You’re so lucky you were able to tap into his email account. I sure wish I could my exPOS, I’m sure it would be a gold mine of info. No such luck.
I really can’t say about your ex’s new gf. It would be inappropriate for me to speculate about her own pathology,but many marriages and bf’s throws up huge red flags about her too. Perhaps they share the same pathology and she doesn’t CARE, but if she truly does care for him, she’s a victim too. My exPOS is looking for someone to take care of him now, who has money. This last love bomb has her own business, is extremely profitable and is a happy, kind caring person. Just PERFECT for him. He love bombed her within three weeks time. SHe’s a credit consultant and he’s in MASSIVE debt. Can you say “I want money??”
you see……..it doesn’t matter what we look like. It doesn’t matter who we are. It doesn’t matter our status (unless he wants money, which I suspect is the case here as you’ve mentioned that), or our hearts. He uses sex to keep her sucked in. But don’t for one minute be fooled that he will change, can change or ever will. If this cheating stuff and being on all those sites is something he has done, you can BET your bottom dollar that he STILL does. If she chooses to overlook that, that is HER decision. Who knows, maybe she’ll dump HIM…ya never know!
This is why it’s so important for you to maintain your NC. No talking to anyone he knows, or looking on his FB page. YOu already know what he is. That’s half the battle right there, the rest is within you. With enough rope, he’ll hang himself eventually. All a matter of time.
Appearances are just that Woodrow. Nothing more. If she is NOT pathological, feel sorry for HER, because he’s spoonfeeding the biggest lines of BS this side of the atlantic, Chica. Just like he did you and just like he has all those other women too. This is who he is. It’s his PATHOLOGY and it’s VERY difficult to keep that in mind when you’ve literally been screwed out of years of what you thought you knew. The hardest part is to know that we were never loved, we were used. And that’s just what they DO and that’s just what they ARE.
ALL the women he has been with, have been duped. ALL of them.
He’s NOT a changed man “with her” just as he was not “with you” either. He CAN”T…..Remember, what she is and what she does DOESN”T MATTER in a heart, connected sense!!!! He may well try to hang onto this one: DOLLAR SIGNS!!
She’ll have to deal with that and all the abuse that goes with him. If she herself, is not pathological, she will either move onto a new bf, or she will be severely wounded by this man when she’s ready to acknowledge that he’s using her.
Let’s hope for her, that it’s sooner rather than later.
Meanwhile,don’t pay it any mind. Just keep doing what you’re doing and you will heal. Show your kids what love is really all about. 🙂
He’s a sociopath. Incapable of change.
This article is a very good one today. I was with a Spath for just a few months. Lucky for me (God send) that I got out of the relationship earlier than later. We met in April on match.com. He served 7 years in prison for theft/swindle. He told me that after I started falling for him. Said he changed and is a good man. He was super attentive and I fell quickly and realize now my vulnerability being widowed and had trouble with adult children made me want to be with him.
I can relate to being lovebombed. Even as close as last week he emailed me. I caved and told him I missed him. We came very close to meeting for dinner and reconciling. The small voice in me said “don’t go”. So I cancelled. Some of you know my story…I bought a motorcycle that he is yet to pay for and put in his name. He also lost $1400 at casino and asked me to cover for him. 3 weeks later he asked for $1700 to make his bills since he lost days at work from hernia surgery. I hesitated to give that to him. His response was “well, I didn’t see this coming.” I caved. There were other things I bought for him. During our relationship he sent me one card and always told me he felt bad about not being in a financial position like me. (He had been out of prison for less than one year- I know, red flag alert)
He was attention seeking and I’m starting to realize that everything he did was so that he could look good. I was his posession. He said early on, “we look good together.” Later in the relationshep he started saying things about him looking good. He liked when other women saw us together and thought I was lucky to be with him. He always lifted his shirt to reveal his abs when women were around. Strange thing, I thought. At first, I thought he was doing that to me…but then I noticed it happening more and more. He wanted very badly for my family to be impressed with him. He met my diceased husbands family. They all took to him right away. My sister-in-law told me the other day she liked him, but there was “something” she just couldn’t put her finger on. My girls also said that there was “something” they just couldn’t figure with him – something was not right. He was a very good talker with EVERYONE he came into contact with….a schmoozer.
We met in April…in Sept my house was up for sale and I pretty much stayed at his house, or he at mine. We didn’t spend much time apart at all. He wanted to spend time with my girls and my grandson. He cooked for all of us. Hindsite tells me that it was for everyone to fall for his charm.
He had weird tendencies to suddenly stop and look at both women and new cars/trucks. I thought his ways were so different, but he was so charming. When I brought those things up he always had an excuse and brought it back to me saying I was insecure.
I was doing well with the NC until the last emails last week. I blocked his number from my phone. I left him late October…so it’s still pretty fresh.
I quit my job for a new one and it fell through. I tried counseling but couldn’t find the right person. God did place someone in my life who calls me regularly and she has such insite because she was entangled with such a man before. I’m thankful for that.
I’m financially ok to take some months to get my life on track. I’m still reeling from not being with him and I miss his daughter so much. There are too many triggers to write here. We did so much together the 6 months we were together that there are so many memories.
I remember a couple months into it thinking he was the man I’ve waited for all my life….but there was always this feeling about things being “off” or “not right”. I couldn’t pinpoint it. When the anxiety got to be too much I bolted from the relationship. On this side of it I know it would have gotten worse. I always felt like I wasn’t enough for him. I told him that and he said I was his life and he didn’t want anyone else.
So…I am at a point of self-discovery…hoping and praying to be free from him and anyone like him again. This site is helpful to point out those characteristics that I didn’t have a name for before.
I am in a place of grief, loss and recognize my codependency. I need some major healing and need to trust that I will be much stronger, healthier and wiser when I reach the other side of this. Being in the pit is not a good place to be. Cling tight to your hope!!!