Sooner or later, those of us who are romantically involved, or have been romantically involved, with sociopaths and other exploiters recognize that the relationship is bad for us and must end. Although we know this intellectually, often we still feel incredible attraction, even love, for the individual. How do we break the emotional attachment?
For example, Lovefraud recently received the following letter:
I am single, and I think I was with someone very narcissistic, if not outright sociopathic. The thing is, even though I am no longer with him (and he did not get to my finances), he broke my heart.
My question is, how do you get over him? I have tried to date others, but no man has compared with the chemistry and (you know, all the rest) that I had with the narcissist. I have a man now who truly loves me, and we are soul mates. I just don’t have that “sizzle” with him that I did with the one who was bad for me. Do you think I should “settle” for the good, honest man? I mean, I am attracted to him; it’s just not the mad passion like the narcissist brought out.
Many, many readers have told Lovefraud that getting over relationships with sociopaths (narcissists, etc.) is much more difficult than getting over other relationships that they’ve had. The reasons for this are complicated, and are rooted in both normal human psychology and the sociopath’s pathology.
The seduction
The first thing to understand is that sociopaths engage in seduction. This is significantly different from a normal dating relationship.
When two relatively healthy people begin dating, they are both testing the waters. They are spending time with each other to see if they like each other enough, or have enough in common, or get along well enough, to keep going. Yes, one party may be more interested than the other, but neither of them has made a decision.
In contrast, sociopaths purposely and consciously seduce their targets. They lavish the person with attention. They want to know everything about the target, they call and text constantly, they shower the person with gifts large and small. Sociopaths move fast, and quickly begin talking about love, commitment and marriage. This is called love bombing.
For most of us, the only experience we’ve ever had with this level of attention is in a fairytale. We are swept off our feet, caught up in the intensity, the magic, of Prince or Princess Charming. We’ve heard all those stories of “love at first sight,” and hope that it’s finally happened to us. We think it’s real.
Here’s what you need to understand: The sociopath’s extraordinary pursuit is never about love. It is about predation. You are or have something that the sociopath wants—at least for the moment. Despite what the sociopath says, his or her interest in you is not about building a relationship or future together. It’s about acquiring a possession.
The sex adventure
Sociopaths, both men and women, are hard-wired for sex. They have high levels of testosterone, and a strong appetite for stimulation. These two facts are probably responsible for the “animal magnetism” that we sense with them.
But that’s only the beginning. Sociopaths are often extraordinarily energetic and proficient lovers—at least technically. Because of their tremendous sexual appetite, they start young and have a lot of partners, so they quickly become experienced. And, because they have no shame, they feel no inhibitions. In fact, they frequently want to push their partners’ boundaries.
Is this passion? No—it’s boredom. Sociopaths quickly tire of the same old thing, and want new sexual adventures. Getting the target to go along with their desires offers two types of rewards: They enjoy new modes of stimulation. And, they manipulate the partners. This is especially fun if the partner initially resists the demands.
The sex connection
From Nature’s point of view, of course, the purpose of sex is propagation—the continuation of the human species. Nature wants children to survive, and the best chance of that happening is when parents stay together to care for them.
Therefore, sexual intimacy causes changes in the brain that contribute to bonding between the partners. One agent for doing this is oxytocin, a neurotransmitter sometimes called the “love hormone.”
Oxytocin is released during sexual orgasm, and, in women, in childbirth and nursing. According to Wikipedia, here’s what the hormone does:
Oxytocin evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the mate. In order to reach full orgasm, it is necessary that brain regions associated with behavioral control, fear and anxiety are deactivated; which allows individuals to let go of fear and anxiety during sexual arousal. Many studies have already shown a correlation of oxytocin with human bonding, increases in trust, and decreases in fear.
So during sex, your brain is being flooded with calmness, trust and contentment, and fear and anxiety are alleviated. If you’re involved in a true loving and committed relationship, this contributes to bonding, which is fine and healthy.
Sociopaths, however, do not bond in the same way that healthy people do. Although we don’t know if oxytocin works differently in sociopaths, or perhaps doesn’t work at all, we do know that sociopaths are deficient in their ability to love. So while the healthy partner develops a love bond; the sociopath does not.
The addiction
A love bond is created by pleasure, and during the seduction phase of the relationship, the sociopath generates extreme pleasure for the target. However, addiction research has discovered that although pleasure is required to form a bond, pleasure is not required to maintain it. Even when a relationship starts to get rocky, normal people still feel bonded. Again, this is Nature’s way of keeping people together. If parents split up at the first sign of trouble, the survival of children would be in doubt.
Sooner or later, of course, relationships with sociopaths get rocky. Perhaps the sociopath engages in cheating, stealing or abuse. The sociopath’s actions create fear and anxiety in the target. But instead of driving the target away from the sociopath, anxiety and fear actually strengthen the psychological love bond.
So what do the targets do? They turn to the sociopaths for relief. The sociopaths may apologize profusely and promise to change their hurtful ways, reassuring the targets. The targets, feeling bonded to the sociopaths, want to believe the reassurances, so they do. Then the two people have sex, which reinforces the bond again.
From the target’s point of view, the relationship becomes a vicious circle of bonding, anxiety, fear, relief, sex and further bonding. The longer it goes on, the harder it is for the target to escape.
The result: For the target, the love bond becomes an addiction.
Vulnerability
How is this possible? How do targets get into this predicament?
Often, targets are primed for sociopathic relationships due to trauma that they have already experienced in their lives. As children, they may have suffered physical, emotional, psychological or sexual abuse from family members, authority figures or others. Or, the targets may have already experienced exploitative relationships, such as domestic violence, from which they have not recovered.
These abusive experiences create “trauma bonds.” As a result, abuse and exploitation feel normal to a target.
For healing to occur, targets need to look honestly into themselves and into their histories, finding the root of the issue. Was there a prior relationship that made you vulnerable to a sociopath?
Recovery
So, to answer the original question in the letter, how do you get over the sociopath?
First of all, you need to understand that what you are feeling is not chemistry or love. You are feeling addiction and a pathological love bond—the trauma bond.
Healing requires conscious effort. The book called The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., is an excellent resource for doing this. Carnes writes:
Once a person has been part of our lives, the ripples remain, even though we have no further contact. In that sense a relationship continues even though we may consciously exorcise it from our conscious contact. Once you understand that principle, a shift will occur in all of your contact with others.
If the relationship was toxic, as in a traumatic bond, the relationship must go through a transformation, since it will always be with you. You do not need to be in contact with th person to change the nature of the relationship. You can change how you perceive it. You can change how it impacts you.
How do you do this? You commit to facing the reality of the relationship—all of it. Trauma tends to distort perception—you want to focus the good memories and forget about the bad ones. You must force yourself to deal with the truth of the experience—including the betrayal.
If you’re still feeling the tug of the pathological relationship, The Betrayal Bond includes information and exercises that can help you break free. The book is available in the Lovefraud Store. (My book, Love Fraud, describes an alternative path to recovery.)
And to the Lovefraud letter-writer: Do not confuse drama with love. Accepting a good, honest man is not “settling.” It is the foundation of a healthy relationship.
You can move forward.
Okay,
If I think and focus on whether or not HE is happy, it distracts from my own attempts at happiness.
Having said that, from what I saw, my spath was never “happy” about anything, except for brief moments of “idealization” of anything. Moreover, he was raging, mean, sarcastic, had RARELY to say anything positive about anyone (unless idealizing) and created chaos where none existed, hated his ex wife, was always the victim.
That sure doesn’t sound “happy” to me!!! He was envious of the reality that happiness was always within my reach as well as my attempts at independence.
If you want to turn the definition of HIS happiness on its ear, then yes, he’s ecstatic!! He believes that he has power, he believes that the fantastic sex he’s getting is “love” (idealistic), he believes that everything is everyone else’s FAULT so he doesn’t have to accept responsibility,guilt, shame or blame for his behavior. He feels no pain, only enjoys his POWER.
Perhaps there is something to be said for that. Wouldn’t it be nice to mozey through life feeling NOTHING for anyone except yourself without care about others, except manipulating them to your will?
To me it sounds tremendously energy draining, quite frankly.
I’d rather feel. I’d rather experience my life, those in it, with genuine love. I’d rather know that my feet will be set upon in heaven when I die because I love my LORD so much, that whether or not I FEEL it, His grace covers my life and the efforts I’m making at change are also efforts at trusting HIM genuinely!
Isn’t that beautiful?
Why worry about whether your spath is happy or not? And what does it mean to worry about it? I think this puts us all in a VERY dangerous and self defeating place. I know, I struggle with it too. If he’s “happy” somewhere else, with someone else (forgetting all the abuse he leveled upon me of course), than that implies that it was MY fault, that I could have morphed myself into something he wanted so that he’d be happy.
Come on guys. We know better than that, right? Eventually, they’ll self destruct while still other destruct. They can’t maintain a level of peace or of fruitfulness in life because of their grandiosity, entitlement and power driven, sex habituated lifestyles. Something will eventually give.
Now, do you really believe they’re “happy”? What does it say to ourselves if we think they could be happy?
LL
Snow day!! Just came in — it’s fantastic out there! Drifts over your head in some places! Love it!
Hi LL — You do indeed appear to be shifting, which is great. It doesn’t feel so great while it’s happening, though, does it?
One thing you could do is write a list of your personal values, the virtues you most admire in yourself, your utmost ideals. What’s most important to you in this life, if you were to live up to your highest human potential? Then, imagining you were already in that space, look around to see who in your past or present you would want to associate with at that level. Who are the people that the ideal “you” would want to associate with? Who are the ones that hinder your realization of that ideal? You may end up with only one or two people — or even none. But the days remaining in your life (and who knows how long any of us are destined to be here) are yours alone. The decisions you make should be made from the deepest, truest depths of your heart. Then you simply need to summon the courage to set forth on your personal path carrying with you the faith that it is the very best you can do, and patiently wait for the universe to meet you half way. It will, in time. It always does.
LL,
First off, I just want to say you were a big help to me yesterday. I’ve read over and over again our exchange and it helped.
I also read your rant last night . . . and I so relate. Like you, my ex built me up to only tear me down. Was always encouraging me to succeed, but never gave me the tools to do so. The “I’m so proud of you, keep doing what you’re doing.” While never giving me an opportunity to do so, because his actions demanded that I give all my attention to him.
So either I worked myself into a frenzy trying to juggle it all — and if I was successful then I was made to feel guilty for not responding to his needs. As a result, I let my dreams/desires go. Too, I’ve NOW realized that anytime I had any success or recognition, he found a way to change the focus to him (take a new job in a new town, resulting in me walking away from my success and starting all over again). I think he resented me more than I ever knew my ability to always have a smile on my face, to see the positive, and land on my feet.
I’m at a similar point as you, however. I am so mad at myself for letting this all happen to me, and even more so for bringing two innocent boys into this world who will always have to deal with him as a father. They didn’t deserve this, and my heart breaks every time I see them hurt by his actions/words. And rather than blame the ex, I blame myself.
Like I said in earlier posts, however, this was all I knew . . . so I have to give myself some lee-way. I only knew chaos, destruction, drama. It was how I was raised, and then I fell in love with him to escape my own family drama . . . unfortunately, what I thought was relief and protection was my worst nightmare come true.
But my ultimate goal is to break the cycle. The cycle of destruction must end with me. If my boys can grow to be emotionally healthy men who are good to their loved ones, who are genuinely happy . . . then I succeeded.
So hour after hour, day after day I move forward the best way I know how. My ex would say my life is boring, dull, doing the same thing day in and day out. But to me it’s secure, it’s safe. And, too, I’m finally “listening” to my boys, hearing their laughter, respecting them as individuals . . . with the ex my focus was completely on him, and my boys (though well cared for) were an after-thought — “Go eat your dinner, boys. Daddy and I are going to sit on the deck and have a drink.” (and then my evening was tied up listening to all of his woe).
Too, I work hard every day to surround myself with healthy people. I can not tell you the number of “aha” moments I’ve had in the past year. These moments have truly been enlightening, because I realize that the way he treated me in similar situations was downright wrong, almost abusive. But again in my mind, I justified it back then . . . made excuses for him and denied myself over and over again.
I am now more aware of life around me. I watch other couples relate to one another, I see people taking care of one another. I see real conversations in which people talk and the other person actually listens. And I don’t hear excuses, I don’t hear blame . . . I see people taking responsibility for themselves, for not only having dreams but actual steps on how to achieve those dreams themselves (not through someone else). I see people who present themselves for who they are . . . not what they want you to see by name dropping or grand-standing.
There are days that I ask God why couldn’t I have been blind/naive to all the evil that is out there. Why couldn’t I still be that girl who only sees the positive — the Miss Mary Sunshine. I know that I am forever changed, and I ask why. How has this experience made me a “better” person, rather than someone who is now jaded?
All I can say, is time . . . time will hopefully heal. In the meantime, we must be good to ourselves (because we never were before). Too, as we move forward with others we need to keep our eyes open, our ears listening, and our hearts pure. We are good people who were taken advantage of, because as my friends tell me we’re “too nice.”
It’s time to be nice to ourselves (and trust me, that is so hard for me to say because for years I equated that as selfish) . . . but, I’m learning.
Yes, I like your explanation LL.
I dealt with him not very long…. I have no so much patience.
For once a fault was useful with dealing with the psychopath.
I realized of the idealization and his need for stimulous. The envy i observed it too, the egoism, the selfcenterness and the need for constant attention and control. Yes…i suppose they can not be very happy always needing from outside.
I think most of you know them better since you dealt with them longer. I run when i saw too many wierd psychological mechanisms and behaviours that opposed words.
Thanks for the answer, i find it quite realistic and accurate.
Shock,
No, it doesn’t, really. It feels painful. It’s also a lot of hard work. I’ll spend time later on today making the list you suggested.
There is still stuff coming up for me, where I find myself incredibly stuck. This is, I believe, the addictive component in the relationship. Something I continuously find coming up in my thoughts. I’m trying to be mindful of these painful images and thoughts and turn them into meaning, as before, it turned them into longing for my POS. It is the HOOK to the relationship. Trying to connect the dots is daunting for me and overwhelming.
But there is SOMETHING underlying the thought processes for which many of us get stuck. I’m not quite sure how to counter it. This also kicks my anxiety off. It is enormously frustrating to me. It is this ONE struggle that I have that keeps me stuck and has. My ultimate question, why is this thought persistent? What does this thought have to do with the hook of the relationship? Why am I addicted to this one particularly stumbling block? Why do I project that into whatever may or may not be going on with the new relationship he has? In reviewing and allowing the thoughts to go through my mind, I SHUT OUT the rest of what was the abuse of the relationship, which I find very interesting. These thoughts provide no balance, many misperceptions.
Often things are not quite what we may envision them to be. Whether it is or is not, given these particular thoughts, there has to be something that I can do about them.
At this point, I’m not certain as to what, as this stumbling block was a major portion of our relationship.
LL
Woodrow,
I’m so glad you find our exchanges helpful to you and that it’s provoked thought for you with regards to what happened in your marriage and what he did to you. I’m not as far along the road as you are just yet, however, I do have hope. I find our exchanges helpful as it gives me a glimpse into what POS did to his wife. Thank you for your kind comments. I’m very grateful for them and for your sharing. I’m glad you’re finding peace and healthy things for yourself and your life. I can’t WAIT for that!
LL
Is your stumbling block the sex?
Eva,
Did you notice this early on? I know this is a rather personal question, but did you find sex fantastic with your spath? If so, did it override what you saw when not in the act? I’m very curious to hear yours or others perspectives on this as it might be helpful in making sense of my stumbling block.
Thank you for your kind words.
LL
Woodrow
Yes. That is the biggest stumbling block for me and the images rolling through my mind are very distressing for me. I’m trying to make sense of them and how they apply to the hook in the relationship to get free of them to move forward.
LL
OneStep/Joy,
responding to your post about Donna. No I don’t think she thought you were a troll, I don’t know the topic of your conversation. Just wanted to express that I think there are trolls here, that we don’t know about and they post and we can’t tell what they are. I know it sounds paranoid, but you and I both know from experience that trolls will seem really nice -until they don’t. So I simply meant that Donna can’t tell who is a troll either. She can’t know what is in someone’s head when they say things. Sometimes, it’s just a foot-in-mouth issue. Like the other day with Blogger when he yelled at me. Turns out he hadn’t slept and was way past due, but he apologized anyway and I did likewise. Though I doubt I will agree with his position, he has the right to say it as do I.