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Getting over that amazing ‘chemistry’

You are here: Home / Recovery from a sociopath / Getting over that amazing ‘chemistry’

January 10, 2011 //  by Donna Andersen

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Sooner or later, those of us who are romantically involved, or have been romantically involved, with sociopaths and other exploiters recognize that the relationship is bad for us and must end. Although we know this intellectually, often we still feel incredible attraction, even love, for the individual. How do we break the emotional attachment?

For example, Lovefraud recently received the following letter:

I am single, and I think I was with someone very narcissistic, if not outright sociopathic. The thing is, even though I am no longer with him (and he did not get to my finances), he broke my heart.

My question is, how do you get over him? I have tried to date others, but no man has compared with the chemistry and (you know, all the rest) that I had with the narcissist. I have a man now who truly loves me, and we are soul mates. I just don’t have that “sizzle” with him that I did with the one who was bad for me. Do you think I should “settle” for the good, honest man? I mean, I am attracted to him; it’s just not the mad passion like the narcissist brought out.

Many, many readers have told Lovefraud that getting over relationships with sociopaths (narcissists, etc.) is much more difficult than getting over other relationships that they’ve had. The reasons for this are complicated, and are rooted in both normal human psychology and the sociopath’s pathology.

The seduction

The first thing to understand is that sociopaths engage in seduction. This is significantly different from a normal dating relationship.

When two relatively healthy people begin dating, they are both testing the waters. They are spending time with each other to see if they like each other enough, or have enough in common, or get along well enough, to keep going. Yes, one party may be more interested than the other, but neither of them has made a decision.

In contrast, sociopaths purposely and consciously seduce their targets. They lavish the person with attention. They want to know everything about the target, they call and text constantly, they shower the person with gifts large and small. Sociopaths move fast, and quickly begin talking about love, commitment and marriage. This is called love bombing.

For most of us, the only experience we’ve ever had with this level of attention is in a fairytale. We are swept off our feet, caught up in the intensity, the magic, of Prince or Princess Charming. We’ve heard all those stories of “love at first sight,” and hope that it’s finally happened to us. We think it’s real.

Here’s what you need to understand: The sociopath’s extraordinary pursuit is never about love. It is about predation. You are or have something that the sociopath wants—at least for the moment. Despite what the sociopath says, his or her interest in you is not about building a relationship or future together. It’s about acquiring a possession.

The sex adventure

Sociopaths, both men and women, are hard-wired for sex. They have high levels of testosterone, and a strong appetite for stimulation. These two facts are probably responsible for the “animal magnetism” that we sense with them.

But that’s only the beginning. Sociopaths are often extraordinarily energetic and proficient lovers—at least technically. Because of their tremendous sexual appetite, they start young and have a lot of partners, so they quickly become experienced. And, because they have no shame, they feel no inhibitions. In fact, they frequently want to push their partners’ boundaries.

Is this passion? No—it’s boredom. Sociopaths quickly tire of the same old thing, and want new sexual adventures. Getting the target to go along with their desires offers two types of rewards: They enjoy new modes of stimulation. And, they manipulate the partners. This is especially fun if the partner initially resists the demands.

The sex connection

From Nature’s point of view, of course, the purpose of sex is propagation—the continuation of the human species. Nature wants children to survive, and the best chance of that happening is when parents stay together to care for them.

Therefore, sexual intimacy causes changes in the brain that contribute to bonding between the partners. One agent for doing this is oxytocin, a neurotransmitter sometimes called the “love hormone.”

Oxytocin is released during sexual orgasm, and, in women, in childbirth and nursing. According to Wikipedia, here’s what the hormone does:

Oxytocin evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the mate. In order to reach full orgasm, it is necessary that brain regions associated with behavioral control, fear and anxiety are deactivated; which allows individuals to let go of fear and anxiety during sexual arousal. Many studies have already shown a correlation of oxytocin with human bonding, increases in trust, and decreases in fear.

So during sex, your brain is being flooded with calmness, trust and contentment, and fear and anxiety are alleviated. If you’re involved in a true loving and committed relationship, this contributes to bonding, which is fine and healthy.

Sociopaths, however, do not bond in the same way that healthy people do. Although we don’t know if oxytocin works differently in sociopaths, or perhaps doesn’t work at all, we do know that sociopaths are deficient in their ability to love. So while the healthy partner develops a love bond; the sociopath does not.

The addiction

A love bond is created by pleasure, and during the seduction phase of the relationship, the sociopath generates extreme pleasure for the target. However, addiction research has discovered that although pleasure is required to form a bond, pleasure is not required to maintain it. Even when a relationship starts to get rocky, normal people still feel bonded. Again, this is Nature’s way of keeping people together. If parents split up at the first sign of trouble, the survival of children would be in doubt.

Sooner or later, of course, relationships with sociopaths get rocky. Perhaps the sociopath engages in cheating, stealing or abuse. The sociopath’s actions create fear and anxiety in the target. But instead of driving the target away from the sociopath, anxiety and fear actually strengthen the psychological love bond.

So what do the targets do? They turn to the sociopaths for relief. The sociopaths may apologize profusely and promise to change their hurtful ways, reassuring the targets. The targets, feeling bonded to the sociopaths, want to believe the reassurances, so they do. Then the two people have sex, which reinforces the bond again.

From the target’s point of view, the relationship becomes a vicious circle of bonding, anxiety, fear, relief, sex and further bonding. The longer it goes on, the harder it is for the target to escape.

The result: For the target, the love bond becomes an addiction.

Vulnerability

How is this possible? How do targets get into this predicament?

Often, targets are primed for sociopathic relationships due to trauma that they have already experienced in their lives. As children, they may have suffered physical, emotional, psychological or sexual abuse from family members, authority figures or others. Or, the targets may have already experienced exploitative relationships, such as domestic violence, from which they have not recovered.

These abusive experiences create “trauma bonds.” As a result, abuse and exploitation feel normal to a target.

For healing to occur, targets need to look honestly into themselves and into their histories, finding the root of the issue. Was there a prior relationship that made you vulnerable to a sociopath?

Recovery

So, to answer the original question in the letter, how do you get over the sociopath?

First of all, you need to understand that what you are feeling is not chemistry or love. You are feeling addiction and a pathological love bond—the trauma bond.

Healing requires conscious effort. The book called The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., is an excellent resource for doing this. Carnes writes:

Once a person has been part of our lives, the ripples remain, even though we have no further contact. In that sense a relationship continues even though we may consciously exorcise it from our conscious contact. Once you understand that principle, a shift will occur in all of your contact with others.

If the relationship was toxic, as in a traumatic bond, the relationship must go through a transformation, since it will always be with you. You do not need to be in contact with th person to change the nature of the relationship. You can change how you perceive it. You can change how it impacts you.

How do you do this? You commit to facing the reality of the relationship—all of it. Trauma tends to distort perception—you want to focus the good memories and forget about the bad ones. You must force yourself to deal with the truth of the experience—including the betrayal.

If you’re still feeling the tug of the pathological relationship, The Betrayal Bond includes information and exercises that can help you break free. The book is available in the Lovefraud Store. (My book, Love Fraud, describes an alternative path to recovery.)

And to the Lovefraud letter-writer: Do not confuse drama with love. Accepting a good, honest man is not “settling.” It is the foundation of a healthy relationship.

You can move forward.

Category: Recovery from a sociopath, Seduced by a sociopath

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kim frederick
14 years ago

Many sexual co-dependants are very confidant and attractive women, and they are often very seductive. They are seductive because they have learned (from sexual childhood abuse issues, and sometimes just culteral gender conditioning) that their only value is sexual. They may not be aware of this, but their behaviors often reflect it. These are often the women who disparage other women with insults like “Fat, ugly, old, thinking that it’s all about sex, and sexual attractivness. They often compete for men, and accept shoddy behavior, find it impossible to end relationships. They do demoralizing things, that they don’t want to do, because they fear abandonment. Abandonm,ent feels like death. It is all really painful. They haven’t experience real, true genuine love…they have broken spirits.
To add to that dillemna, throw in a male sex addict, and he will recognize her immeadiatly. He will be drawn to her attractiveness, her sexiness, her addiction to her appearance. His predaTOR MODE WILL KICK IN, BECAUSE HE HAS AN UNCANNY ABILITY TO SEE HER VULNERABILTY AND INSECURITY, and now you have the souless relationship, with one person, (the codependant) doing all the giving hopeing to find love and security, and the other, taking and demanding, trying to find power and control.
I’m not suggesting that these husbands/lovers aren’t sociopaths, just that this other dynamic is often at work as well.
It makes so much sense to me. But again, you have to be willing to look benieth the surface, and maybe discover some difficult truths about yourself. It’s also pretty painfull to admit that you have been spiritually damaged, and that all your defenses are hurting you. That many of your past beliefs are just plain false.
I just think it’s a great book with a lot of insight and compassion.

kim frederick
14 years ago

And to add, as little as three years ago I was still pretty attractive with a nice figure and good face.
Now, I’m coping with my love addiction with sexual anorexia. I dress in baggy T-shirts and jeans and have put on 15 or 20 pounds.
I was always seductive, even after I knew about these issues, because I could never quite get it…that there was more to me than my body, more to love than sex. I would rush head long into my next rush, my next adventure, always with the same result…..and still not knowing what the answer was.
It’s self-love and a healing of the spirit.

fliaway
14 years ago

My question is this…every mental illness has different signs or symptoms…what is it that makes every sociopath have the same m/o?

kim frederick
14 years ago

His sociopathy. They have no remorse or empathy.
But not evry person with “issues” is automatically sociopathic.
They may be toxic, and cause unhappiness out of an inability to function effectively, but they may still be capable of remorse and empathy. There is very often a cross-over, however.
Through all of my dysfunction, I have never lost my ability to empathize and I feel tremenous remorse. That is not to say I wasn’t selfish and controlling, but it is comforting because I know I wasn’t a sociopath.

kim frederick
14 years ago

Not crazy, I may have been confused. It may not have been you that I wanted to address my above post to. I need to go back and read to find out. If it wasn’t you I hope I haven’t in any way offended.

kim frederick
14 years ago

Nope. I don’t think it was you. Apologys.

lesson learned
14 years ago

Kim

What you’ve written here is very powerful for me and it hits a nerve, because I feel like crying 🙁

I think that’s my problem too. Confusing love with sex. I was very seductive with men I was attracted to, including last POS and the idea was to get him to “love” me that way. He saw that in me. The sex was the “treat” even though I knew I was degrading myself. I didn’t want to do anymore what he wanted me to do sexually in the end, and didn’t feel comfortable because I knew it wasn’t about love or trust anymore. It was just sex. But that’s where the hook was, he with me, me with him. That IS a hard truth to deal with. And that’s where it gets confusing for me and makes this process so much more difficult. I’ve heard it said that taking responsibility for yourself and your participation in a relationship, makes a person feel better. It does not for me. It hurts worse. I see my part in it. It disgusts me MORE against myself. It also takes the blame off of him for what he did to me. Ironically, I can see how this sexual seduction played a part in my participation. NOW, but I didn’t see it then. There is apart of me that feels evil because of that. Is it true? I don’t know. Is he evil, or was it me? Or both? I’m still trying to accept that he’s spath. It’s very difficult for me. I’m not there yet. But I can honestly say, which is so weird that out of bed, I didn’t like this man and I didn’t like myself either nor what I put up with. There was a part of me, there must have been, fighting within myself a war, seeing what was going on and wanting out, yet being afraid to leave.

Just putting things together….the transition into what my participation was.

kim frederick
14 years ago

Just lost a long post arrrrrrgh.
LL, I’m sorry this is upsetting to you. I will back off if you want me to. No I don’t think you are evil. I think you and I were doing the best we could to get our needs met. I don’t think there’s any reason why you should stop processing your feelings of betrayal by him. He hurt you.
This is all just food for thought, and it might be too early for you to deal with…but I hope you will consider looking into it later, when you feel a little stronger.
Remember, none of this is meant as a critisism. It is offered in the spirit of recovery.
If you want to kick it around later, let me know.
I’m sending you white light. God bless.

lesson learned
14 years ago

Kim,

I know you mean well. I’m not asking you to back off. I’m not offended, it’s just MY stuff coming up now. In some ways its very helpful. I’m seeing how the abuse I’ve endured over a lifetime, has affected me and my responses to men. It’s just a hard thing to deal with. I see the pathologies on both sides, how mine played into his and his into mine. It’s pretty simple, yet emotionally very complicated and painful. If that makes sense. I’m willing to kick this around with you. I think your insights are great 🙂

Ox Drover
14 years ago

Dear Learned Lesson,

You are NOT evil because you had a sexual affair with a married man. You did, I think, and I think you realize, make a bad decision to have an affair with this man for several reasons.

From your posts I have gathered that 1) for him it was just a booty call, while he was married and 2) for you it was more, you wanted a relationship.

Very seldom does behavior that is “immoral” turn out to be TRULY beneficial to our lives.

If you steal money, it may “benefit” your bank account, but it bankRUPTS your soul. If you cheat on your spouse or cheat with someone you know is cheating, you may get some great sex but you are dealing with someone who obviously DOES NOT KEEP THEIR WORD OR PROMISES and is not a person you can count on.

So, if your object is simply to have a “fling” and the only thing you are looking for is a “booty call” then you can get that (though actually I don’t think it is worth very much IMHO) but you can achieve that instant gratification. If you are looking for a RELATIONSHIP however, I would start by ELIMINATING anyone from the candidates group who is DISHONEST and by virtue of having an affair with you, he has proven himself DIS-honest.

Beating yourself up over it though isn’t going to change the past, and won’t help your present or your future.

Working out WHY you allowed yourself to get into this situation is an issue for healing and therapy, for learning about YOU. So the whole thing started out about HIM, but is now about YOU. You cannot fix him, but you can improve yourself. That is the focus now. It works, and life can be wonderfull, we just have to go there!

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