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Getting over that amazing ‘chemistry’

You are here: Home / Recovery from a sociopath / Getting over that amazing ‘chemistry’

January 10, 2011 //  by Donna Andersen

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Sooner or later, those of us who are romantically involved, or have been romantically involved, with sociopaths and other exploiters recognize that the relationship is bad for us and must end. Although we know this intellectually, often we still feel incredible attraction, even love, for the individual. How do we break the emotional attachment?

For example, Lovefraud recently received the following letter:

I am single, and I think I was with someone very narcissistic, if not outright sociopathic. The thing is, even though I am no longer with him (and he did not get to my finances), he broke my heart.

My question is, how do you get over him? I have tried to date others, but no man has compared with the chemistry and (you know, all the rest) that I had with the narcissist. I have a man now who truly loves me, and we are soul mates. I just don’t have that “sizzle” with him that I did with the one who was bad for me. Do you think I should “settle” for the good, honest man? I mean, I am attracted to him; it’s just not the mad passion like the narcissist brought out.

Many, many readers have told Lovefraud that getting over relationships with sociopaths (narcissists, etc.) is much more difficult than getting over other relationships that they’ve had. The reasons for this are complicated, and are rooted in both normal human psychology and the sociopath’s pathology.

The seduction

The first thing to understand is that sociopaths engage in seduction. This is significantly different from a normal dating relationship.

When two relatively healthy people begin dating, they are both testing the waters. They are spending time with each other to see if they like each other enough, or have enough in common, or get along well enough, to keep going. Yes, one party may be more interested than the other, but neither of them has made a decision.

In contrast, sociopaths purposely and consciously seduce their targets. They lavish the person with attention. They want to know everything about the target, they call and text constantly, they shower the person with gifts large and small. Sociopaths move fast, and quickly begin talking about love, commitment and marriage. This is called love bombing.

For most of us, the only experience we’ve ever had with this level of attention is in a fairytale. We are swept off our feet, caught up in the intensity, the magic, of Prince or Princess Charming. We’ve heard all those stories of “love at first sight,” and hope that it’s finally happened to us. We think it’s real.

Here’s what you need to understand: The sociopath’s extraordinary pursuit is never about love. It is about predation. You are or have something that the sociopath wants—at least for the moment. Despite what the sociopath says, his or her interest in you is not about building a relationship or future together. It’s about acquiring a possession.

The sex adventure

Sociopaths, both men and women, are hard-wired for sex. They have high levels of testosterone, and a strong appetite for stimulation. These two facts are probably responsible for the “animal magnetism” that we sense with them.

But that’s only the beginning. Sociopaths are often extraordinarily energetic and proficient lovers—at least technically. Because of their tremendous sexual appetite, they start young and have a lot of partners, so they quickly become experienced. And, because they have no shame, they feel no inhibitions. In fact, they frequently want to push their partners’ boundaries.

Is this passion? No—it’s boredom. Sociopaths quickly tire of the same old thing, and want new sexual adventures. Getting the target to go along with their desires offers two types of rewards: They enjoy new modes of stimulation. And, they manipulate the partners. This is especially fun if the partner initially resists the demands.

The sex connection

From Nature’s point of view, of course, the purpose of sex is propagation—the continuation of the human species. Nature wants children to survive, and the best chance of that happening is when parents stay together to care for them.

Therefore, sexual intimacy causes changes in the brain that contribute to bonding between the partners. One agent for doing this is oxytocin, a neurotransmitter sometimes called the “love hormone.”

Oxytocin is released during sexual orgasm, and, in women, in childbirth and nursing. According to Wikipedia, here’s what the hormone does:

Oxytocin evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the mate. In order to reach full orgasm, it is necessary that brain regions associated with behavioral control, fear and anxiety are deactivated; which allows individuals to let go of fear and anxiety during sexual arousal. Many studies have already shown a correlation of oxytocin with human bonding, increases in trust, and decreases in fear.

So during sex, your brain is being flooded with calmness, trust and contentment, and fear and anxiety are alleviated. If you’re involved in a true loving and committed relationship, this contributes to bonding, which is fine and healthy.

Sociopaths, however, do not bond in the same way that healthy people do. Although we don’t know if oxytocin works differently in sociopaths, or perhaps doesn’t work at all, we do know that sociopaths are deficient in their ability to love. So while the healthy partner develops a love bond; the sociopath does not.

The addiction

A love bond is created by pleasure, and during the seduction phase of the relationship, the sociopath generates extreme pleasure for the target. However, addiction research has discovered that although pleasure is required to form a bond, pleasure is not required to maintain it. Even when a relationship starts to get rocky, normal people still feel bonded. Again, this is Nature’s way of keeping people together. If parents split up at the first sign of trouble, the survival of children would be in doubt.

Sooner or later, of course, relationships with sociopaths get rocky. Perhaps the sociopath engages in cheating, stealing or abuse. The sociopath’s actions create fear and anxiety in the target. But instead of driving the target away from the sociopath, anxiety and fear actually strengthen the psychological love bond.

So what do the targets do? They turn to the sociopaths for relief. The sociopaths may apologize profusely and promise to change their hurtful ways, reassuring the targets. The targets, feeling bonded to the sociopaths, want to believe the reassurances, so they do. Then the two people have sex, which reinforces the bond again.

From the target’s point of view, the relationship becomes a vicious circle of bonding, anxiety, fear, relief, sex and further bonding. The longer it goes on, the harder it is for the target to escape.

The result: For the target, the love bond becomes an addiction.

Vulnerability

How is this possible? How do targets get into this predicament?

Often, targets are primed for sociopathic relationships due to trauma that they have already experienced in their lives. As children, they may have suffered physical, emotional, psychological or sexual abuse from family members, authority figures or others. Or, the targets may have already experienced exploitative relationships, such as domestic violence, from which they have not recovered.

These abusive experiences create “trauma bonds.” As a result, abuse and exploitation feel normal to a target.

For healing to occur, targets need to look honestly into themselves and into their histories, finding the root of the issue. Was there a prior relationship that made you vulnerable to a sociopath?

Recovery

So, to answer the original question in the letter, how do you get over the sociopath?

First of all, you need to understand that what you are feeling is not chemistry or love. You are feeling addiction and a pathological love bond—the trauma bond.

Healing requires conscious effort. The book called The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., is an excellent resource for doing this. Carnes writes:

Once a person has been part of our lives, the ripples remain, even though we have no further contact. In that sense a relationship continues even though we may consciously exorcise it from our conscious contact. Once you understand that principle, a shift will occur in all of your contact with others.

If the relationship was toxic, as in a traumatic bond, the relationship must go through a transformation, since it will always be with you. You do not need to be in contact with th person to change the nature of the relationship. You can change how you perceive it. You can change how it impacts you.

How do you do this? You commit to facing the reality of the relationship—all of it. Trauma tends to distort perception—you want to focus the good memories and forget about the bad ones. You must force yourself to deal with the truth of the experience—including the betrayal.

If you’re still feeling the tug of the pathological relationship, The Betrayal Bond includes information and exercises that can help you break free. The book is available in the Lovefraud Store. (My book, Love Fraud, describes an alternative path to recovery.)

And to the Lovefraud letter-writer: Do not confuse drama with love. Accepting a good, honest man is not “settling.” It is the foundation of a healthy relationship.

You can move forward.

Category: Recovery from a sociopath, Seduced by a sociopath

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StillHaveMySoul
14 years ago

I wrote a letter to my ex, as I continue to tangle with him. Yah, yah, I know. Don’t worry, I’m not where I once was. Anyhow I wrote yet ANOTHER bloody letter to him, which contained this paragraph.

I don’t want to be in a relationship with a man I know has slept with other women while I was with him. I don’t want to be with a man who lies to me and cheats on me. I don’t want to be worried every time I can’t reach my husband, fearing he is off with some chick. I don’t want my husband to tell me I am not within my rights to ask for a grand gesture of love. What do you give me? You cause me fear, insecurity, sadness, deep pain, franticness, isolation, lack of laughter, lack of joy. What do you give me? Great sex. That’s it. The price to pay for that is not worth it.

Peace Sisters

tobehappy
14 years ago

Look at the women, celebrities…..that held their heads up high and moved on….

Sandra Bullock, Elin Woods, Eva Longoria…..

Even with thier fame and fortune…they HURT!!!

If he came knocking at your door crying….would you take him back, knowing what he is now?

Or, do you NOT believe he is NOT a good person?

You need to have some SELF RESPECT and INTEGRITY as a strong woman that you are!!!

And NEVER LOSE THAT!!!!

My xbf used to say…”Look at those dumb b&tches…the men abuse them and they run back for more!!”

And he would laugh.

THEY ARE SATAN!!!!

one/joy_step_at_a_time
14 years ago

LL – i think it would help if you plan to do something on sunday nights. make a plan. you need to give yourself that support.

it’s okay, you are just going through withdrawal – it WILL get better you just have to hang in there, one moment at a time.

tobehappy
14 years ago

Still…I wrote mine a similar letter and a week later he texted me as if nothing ever happenned!!!

You can’t even INSULT them…they aren’t human!!!!

Better off talking to my Guinea pig… or dog … or cat!

In their mind, they are “entitled” to do whatever they want in life to satisfy their needs …for sex, money, power.

So, I never wasted my breath again!

rozzieoz
14 years ago

Wow, what a brilliantly helpful article.

Even when I knew and faced the truth about Andrew, there were still things about him I missed and I could not understand it.

StillHaveMySoul
14 years ago

To Be Happy,

I laughed when you said that, he sent me a text saying I was making a big deal out of nothing! OMG!

I’m done wasting mine. I have dates set up for Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I’ve been holding back living my life. Not anymore, Baby.

I’m now excited about what I believe God will bring into my life. This time I got more specific in my request than, “give me someone I can love”. LOL. I added, “who isn’t a sociopathic bastard”. LOL.

Peace Sister

dancingnancies
14 years ago

LL, she is NOT getting what you want. Unless you want : A ) a conman who lies to you in order to get you in bed B ) someone who treats you like a blow up sex doll? C ) Someone who gets JOY out of hurting you D ) Someone who will say anything to you in order to get you to trust him? ( So he can screw you over s’more? )

If this is new prey for him, ( the other girl ) she’s going to be subject to the same things he put you through. Remember, you are nothing but an OBJECT to him… and does that make her any different? NO!

LL- you are in a good place right now. You are strong and are already well on your road in healing… do you really want to backpedal all the way back to hell?

Of COURSE he’s going to contact you… you took YOUR power back! The P, like a demon is flinching and frustrated that his delusions of grandeur are not playing out… you’re one more person he can only grasp at because YOU have said NO MORE to his SICK, PERVERSE, ABUSIVE games.

It may be painful and he may look like a shiny, desirable man from afar, but once you look closer… it’s just a cardboard CUT OUT… you SAW what was behind the mask. Remember what you SAW- not what he WANTED you to see!

I know you’re stronger than that LL! No contact! Stay strong! The vampire will not have your blood to feed on any longer!

Heaven knows how many women he’s got duped right now… don’t add yourself to the list.

If need be, watch Henry Rollins’ “LIAR” again… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaysTVcounI Then ask yourself..Is THAT what you really want?

lesson learned
14 years ago

I just watched a movie with my kids.

No I did not contact him, but I could hardly hold back my tears.

I’m in SO MUCH PAIN I can hardly stand it.

He’s with her. I keep thinking about all the things he’s doing WITH HER. I turned myself into a pretzel for that man, did everything he wanted me to do.

And WHO’S having sex tonight? Well, it’s not ME is it??

I understand the logic of it all. I get it, but to try to incorporate it into my heart is another matter altogether.

Yea, she’s getting something I didn’t get. She’s getting all the attention and all the love bombing. ALL of it. The shit I never got.

I’m so pissed off. I’m so hurt. I”m so angry, I’m paralyzed.

Why wasn’t I good enough? WHY wasn’t I good enough?

I lost ME in all of this. I gave him the very best that I could.

All of it.

And I have to learn to accept that he will NEVER pay for any of the pain he’s caused to the women he’s hurt.

Not a comforting thought. I”m so depressed. I”m working so hard to NOT contact, to NOT beg his stupid ass back. And even if I TRIED to beg him back, because he’s getting his “fix” elsewhere it would just be one more reason to exploit the pain I’m in. No thank you.

Why does he get off scot free? LITERALLY? I”m in so much pain.

I’m in so much pain. I HATE him for what he’s done. EVery single day is an effort to get out of bed and just survive the fucking day. I”M SO TIRED OF THINKING ABOUT THIS, WONDERING AND HURTING, even when I TRY NOT TOO, it still kills me inside.

He’s holding HER tonight, not ME. He’s probably getting from her what I couldn’t give. I got “old”, I got “boring”.

I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t do the mindfucking games anymore, but I still loved him anyway, but hated him. I almost feel like APOLOGIZING because I couldn’t do it anymore.

I’m so tired from all of this. I just want NOT to think about it anymore.

And I’ve never felt more alone in my entire life.

Ever.

LL

dancingnancies
14 years ago

LL, someone here posted a verse from scripture a while back. It helped me a lot, especially since I felt quite overwhelmed at the time. I do believe that they will reap what they sow.

It is written :

“Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.”
Romans 12:19

You are strong even in your pain, because you are sticking by yourself. You asked if Psychopaths feel happiness a while ago… I don’t believe they do feel true happiness.. because true happiness comes from emotionally connecting with others, which they don’t do. They certainly get “excited” and “high” from abusing others… but those are hollow, empty, and meaningless.

Even what you got from sex was based on empathy- they don’t feel any of that. Just the physical pleasure.. and the self-masturbatory high from “duper’s delight”… you have it much better than him because you are human. He is not. You have the world ahead of you. Let the bastard rot in his own stench, because it sure will catch up with him sooner or later.

He’s toying around with her as he does anyone. She is NOT benefiting at all from having him in her life. She is like you were once, deluded and lovebombed, while he spits out lie after lie, without second thought. He’ll leap to another woman without second thought too- but you left that all behind. And with good reason.

The pain will pass. It hurts but it is MUCH better than being involved still with him. Congratulate yourself for getting through this one, you’re only going up and further… he’s on the fast track to NOWHEREville. And guess what? He got himself there. Don’t you think for a second that ANYONE is good enough for the Spath… they would have to have empathy for that to be so. Do not believe their delusion. Even what HE had you believe about himself is a lie- remember that! He is parasite, certainly not something you would want in your life, or even the life of your worst enemy. They connect to no one, everyone is a victim or object to abuse. Remind yourself that nothing YOU were had to do with his ways, his abuse, his degradation. It had NOTHING to do with you as a person. It is what HE IS.

luv716
14 years ago

It only took a week for the spath to tell me he was in love with me. I look back an I know it was his love bombing me, We had sex two to three times a day. He would call and text me all day while he was trying to baiting me in, once I was hook, the change came, the sex stop, the criticism came, he stop coming home. He didn’t need me anymore he took everything he wanted from me he took my money, my self esteem and self worth.
I recently found out that all the while he was using me he had a 26 year old girl pregnant that he was still kicking it with, he was also working on getting back with his ex-wife. He now live with his ex-wife and used the money that he got form me to start a business.
I been a single parent for 15 years and never had one man play me for money, I feel he took not only from me, he also took from my children.
This crazy bastard had the nerve to call me for the New Year, he called around 3am I didn’t answer. I never see me talking to this devil again as long as I live what he done to me I can never forget, I damn sure can never forgive.

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